on knowing one's self

I think it is important to know yourself.

Friend: but don’t you know yourself at 30?

The question obviously struck me.
How can I possibly answer this question without confusing the other?
I guess it falls down to our different horoscopes?

Ever since, I struggled to maintain the sense of self.
I remembered one friend from way back in college when her boyfriend scolded her on the phone so loud that I can hear it. I asked her, does this happen often?
She said, whenever he’s angry.

My god! I sighed to myself.

I am stubborn and hard-headed with an ego to match. I am pissed whenever someone say something rude to me. I try to hold it in, though the Aries in me is about to morph into a vicious ram and ram that someone to give him/ her some sense. And I always win, win against doing so. I keep it cool, always have.

Then it brought me to think deeply, I am living my life in a way that is authentic?
Whenever I am angry, I try not to. I suppress it. Whenever I feel lonely, I make ways to have company. Why is this so?

My goal in life is to be sufficient as it is. I believe that when I feel complete as a being, all the others that comes to my life just becomes a bonus or a blessing.

Oftentimes, things happen even though you don’t want it. That’s a reality.
But far bigger reality is feeling so wrong even when you know it isn’t right.

For example, I told a friend, “you know what, I hate feeling jealous but I can’t stop myself.”
It’s as if you already know what is right but you just can’t stop yourself from being in the wrong. Alcoholics must’ve felt this way too, don’t you think?

My friend replied, “you should stop it.”
I know I should but it’s easier said than done.

So why do I need to know myself?
Because when these episodes of uncontrolled emotions come, even though I can’t stop myself from feeling and going through it, I would believe that I AM A PROCESS.
And going through this ,even uncalled for, is necessary for a favorable end result.

self talking

Sept 5, 2017

I wrote for the first time in a long time because I feel so UNCOOL blurting it out on friends.
Honestly, I’ve been talking to friends lately about how I really feel and while it’s good, the downside can be appearing a bit more vulnerable. And I hate being vulnerable.

I have been thinking about quitting my job and just going along…

But at the same time, I fear being unemployed.

You know sometimes, this life is super ironic. You need to hear the noise to appreciate silence, be in a crowd of chaos to feel peace alone. Lose yourself to find it back again.
And the latter is what appeals to me.

And while I spend so many hapless moments thinking about what will become of me, if I got no stable income, no job to be busied about, jumping into unknown… I found one truth that comforts me. It is the truth that no matter what I give up on life, I will always, always have something better in return.

For example…
When I was in high school, I gave up being a CAT officer because I can’t take how physical it is for me. And when I gave it up, I came forward to be a Rover. And I had the grandest time. I was sent to other town for it and just experienced how it feels like.
In college, I gave up being in Engineering only to find myself in the business department, few years after, I was CHOSEN by Metrobank to be an intern. When I gave up Metrobank to try and risk it all in Singapore, singapore chose me.

In economics, I learned that this is “opportunity cost”, the loss of other alternatives when one alternative is chosen. In life, this is what decision making is all about.

I’d like to think that whatever is given up, something better will always replace it and rather than stressing about what I am giving up, or what others are to say, what defines me is my ability to stand strong in whatever decision I arrive at.

I’d like to look back life with less regrets, if not totally without it.
The greatest regret would be sticking into something just because you are comfortable with it or having the idea and means of doing something but opting not to because of fear.

I guess what they say is true, when you think with your Mind, chances are, things wouldn’t likely proceed… but when you think with your heart, you just go with it and wing whatever it is to come and that makes one vulnerable.

friendship ver.2.0

I may be a bit of an overthinker that it stresses me out but this I have to say…

As I evaluate myself, I realized I do so much for people.

I care so much about what others would say, feel so much about their pains and think so much for their convenience--- at the expense of my own.

While I am taught to be considerate, I am also pushed to love myself more.

People who know me know that I do reach out.

I start conversations, I keep it burning by telling jokes. I am animated when I speak, I listen well to the point of being inquisitive. That’s just me.

As time goes by, I question myself. Does it make me a better person? Does it add to my value as a human person? Does it compel me to be real or am I just doing it to be liked and loved?

I am brought to a level of thinking whether my friends would still like me if I do not do so much for them. I am brought to a level of thinking where I seem to question, what it takes for me to be their friend.

I used to say that as long as I understand them, then I’d keep the friendship but sometimes, I just find myself suffocated. I find myself trying so hard to keep up.

Is friendship a one-side thing? I do not think it is. It will never be that.

So now, I’m claiming my stake.

I want to calm down, to stop trying and just take whatever I think is right. I won’t bow down to anyone anymore so they will accept me, rather, I will be the one accepting if I think I deserved it.

At 30, I want to call the shots!

True friendship is never always doing something for someone, it is a give and take process. 

the process of MEcoming...

Thirty…

I walked, talked and balked for as long as I can remember.

Few years ago, I was getting depressed because I am reaching thirty and my life is still as blurred as those xray films.

You see, even then, I am drawn to this invisible thread that pulls me harder to the centre of the convex where there’s no other way but to fall.

Oftentimes, I resist. But most of the time, I psyche myself up. Why am I allowing this?

Why am I being so hard on myself?

People told me, “girl, you’re 30, you will be a spinster!”, “do what you like!”, “go solo”, “be YOU!”

# “GIRL, you’re 30, you will be a spinster!”

Tell you what, with this line, I feel very burdened!

If it’s not about the guy, and it’s not about me, then it’s about who?

I used to be stressed because of this thought.

What’s wrong with me? Am I not enough? What am I looking for? When? How? Why?

And a few more whys.

Of course, I don’t want to be a spinster. Who wants, right?

I mean no offense to spinsters as they are strong and wonderful but it’s just not me.

Not the life that I want for myself.

Previously, I was okay with the idea that I can do it alone. That I alone, is sufficient. That I don’t want to cling on to someone because I can manage. This girl power thing is however, wearing off under my skin. I am showing signs of loneliness. And it bothered me big time. Why?

I recently travelled to Europe and I thought, “whoa, wherever you are, if you’re feeling lonely, the scenic spots would all turn blue, even the colourful tulips!”

And believe it or not, every cathedral that I have visited, I murmured a silent prayer of finding that specific life partner. Lord, please do not let me be ALONE.

Then it dawned on me, why am I feeling desperate? It’s not as if it’s the end for me, right?

I’m only thirty and not sixty. Haha

It’s about timing. And I should anchor myself to the thought that THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

# “do what you like!”, “go solo”, “be YOU!”

Me being here? Is it what I truly want?

The truth is, I developed anxiety over the years.

Was it because of the pressures of my age with respect to my relationship status?

Was it because of the pressures of my career?

Was it because of the thought that I still don’t know what I want to do—for the rest of my life?

Was it because I am investing too much on something and I am expecting something in return?

Questions like these flood my mind. I had terrible nights making me awake until the next morning.

I always take the blame in every question raised above.

It’s easier to close the question if you have a direct answer.

You see, because I find it easier to answer the question blaming myself, I became convinced that it is my fault.

Imagine, you are hungry and you could’ve eaten the last piece of bread to satisfy your hunger but you gave it to someone. That someone never even thanked you. You were left hungry and feeling bad for the ungratefulness. Whose fault?

I’d say it’s mine because the other person never asked for it anyway, I just gave it myself as an act of kindness. I shouldn’t even have expected something in return, right?

With this thought going on in my mind, I struggled so much.

Then recently I saw an interview of Sharon Cuneta. (believe me, I never thought she would be instrumental) She mentioned about, being exhausted by being so considerate at the expense of herself. Bingo!

That’s my answer.

Sometimes, the best way to heal is to be considerate with yourself first.

Saying no and being “selfish” is the kindest thing you can do to yourself.

I think that I am struggling so much to the point of a meltdown because I always tend to give way to someone. Whether out of goodwill or in order to please people, I am not so sure.

My resolution to this is to love myself more. Put myself first. And ignore the people clouding my judgment. At the end of the day, how can i take care of someone when I can't even take care of myself?

As for being thirty… I’d like to believe that I know better now.

And while others are seeing it as a gate to being old and worn out, I see it as a passes to being stable, mentally, emotionally and physically and a ticket to self-actualization.

confexxions

Dear other self,

I have browsed my “ON THIS DAY” page today and there’s this one post to my timeline that struck me like a bullet.

Yeah, you could’ve guessed it. Easy.

I felt a bit overwhelmed and I kinda feel the longing? The sadness? Just the melancholy that crept my heart. I know, I have no right to feel those, but I am being honest to say about how I feel, is that so wrong?

I did not dare check his profile but I did see a glimpse of his profile video.

He looked so happy, contented and excited.

Obviously far from the angry, dissatisfied and indifferent guy that I once knew.

Today for the first time in years, I wanted to add him back as a friend.

Perhaps for old time’s sake?

But who am I kidding? I am really not the type and I don’t trust myself either as I am into

The emo side these days.

Alright, I have to concede that seven years ago, I really wanted to meet him.

One time I rode the MRT and thought that I saw him. Among the million people in Manila, I saw him!

I almost jumped out of the MRT when he alighted, to chase him as if to confirm if it was indeed him.

But I was thinking, I was seated just across him. He would’ve seen me and it would be impossible for him to ignore me just like that. I know him better than that.

Then a year ago, when I came home, my good friend told me that he was home too.

I don’t know, I suddenly felt my hands clammy and cold-wet. If we saw each other, it would be the first time in a decade? How would I react?

But then again, I don’t trust myself.

I hate looking pathetic!

I believe that the most effective way to completely forget and let go is not seeing that someone forever. Or at least not yet when I’m still unattached? Haha. I don’t know. It isn’t right.

To say that I am happy for him and the life that he’s living now is the truth.

I mean, there’s no taste of bitterness in my mouth in knowing that he finally was able to live happily.

Back then, I knew quite a bit of his pains and I wouldn’t wish anything bad for him.

For myself though, I think I am overreacting.

Or was this the “first love never dies” kind of thing?

I don’t know.

Other times, I am completely done with these lingering feeling.

But in some days, it is very vivid, like a giant just woken up from its sleep.

My other self, I pray for your happiness.

Girl, There’s nothing I’d wish for you but for your love to blossom in God’s most amazing time.

Perfectly. Candidly. Warmly.

Believe.

Venizia

Ma’am: Class, ITALY…

Class: ???

Ma’am: “I Trust And Love You”

My high school science teacher once said the line and back then, we can only agree in unison… corny si Ma’am. But I admit, my weird sense of humor understands, why, I fell for it.

ITALY… other than what it stands for, I fell for it once more.

I have seen quite a number of picturesque places but nothing ever compares to Italy.

All along, I have been hearing tourists saying how nice it is in Italy, ABSOLUTELY, It did not disappoint.

For instance, flying from Amsterdam to Venice, is a completely different feel. While I marvelled at Amsterdam canals in all its glory, and roam around by tram and feet. I was completely blown away by the scenic spots of Venice and all its vaporettos and gondolas.

My friends and I have joked that Venice, Florence and Rome (the Italy that we have visited so far) is like a HUGE Universal Studios, just that, it’s on a completely different level because it was a reality.

Let me start with Venice.

How do I start confessing my love for this magical place, I wonder.

Perhaps the most fascinating thing about this place is its people and culture and traditions translated to art!

How I love those masks representing so much of their history. One time, I came to this shop which sells handmade masks and she narrated that these masks served a purpose that dates back when Venice was flourishing and the locals have developed a common culture of hiding their identity and social status in making deals and pursuing various activities—gambling for example. With Venice so small, one can understand.

What surprised me when I arrived is that Venice is a place with no cars. How in the world was that possible?

Alright, I have to make it clear that from the airport, there would be cars/ buses, of course, but up to Piazzale Roma (literally the end of the Road as there would be no cars from thereon)  but in its city proper, it’s all about your feet and lots of Vaporettos, gondolas and traghettos or water taxis. Rather than highways in ordinary cityscapes, they got small to large canals where water vehicles come in handy.

Venice is one huge maze. Brick Houses are piled one after another separated by narrow alleyways.

Funny how one time while coming back from the groceries, we completely forgot where our house was. We walked and walked and walked some more while navigating through our map (yes, no wifi for us) and ended up from one canal to another. In the end, we managed to ask one of the locals and she brought us to the right path (lol)

Venice’s Rialto bridge is a good spot to take pictures of venetian sunsets. It’s overlooking the venetian restaurants along the grand canal. I have no words for the amount of pictures that I have taken from this bridge alone.

And Venice wouldn’t be complete without its gondola… how lovely! But

I must say, one trip is pretty expensive. It costs around 80 euros at a minimum.

And some gondolas have separate payment for the gondoliers. For the experience, is it worth the price? Depends. Depends upon how important it is for you to ride one of those.

For me, I’d say I’m in for the traghetto. It’s like a gondola minus the luxury. It’s a local’s way to cross short distance canals. It’s a “gondola” without seats and you have to balance while standing. We headed for the nearest “dock” which was S. Toma- S. Angelo to try this for 2 euros, but unfortunately, it was already unavailable.  [Mon–Sat 7:30am–8pm; Sun 8:30am–7:30pm]

For vaporetto (water buses), it’s a convenient way to travel around Venice. We took it twice, from Piazzale Roma to San Agustin (where our Airbnb is located) then San Agustin to the train station and each costs around 7 euros one way.

How about the food? Well, There are many restaurants and that being said, it is a food haven!

From pizza (yes, Italy) to seafoods, it was delightful. Coffee is always available as there are a lot of small cafés nearby. Sometimes, when you're just too tired to carry on walking, you need a quick stop and what better way to spend it than lounging in a chair, sipping a good ‘ol coffee whilst watching people pass by? I’d say, it’s always a good idea!

The charm of Venice is I’d say, the ability of the place to let you live seemingly in the imaginary but you are actually in the realms of reality. It means, the ability of the place to transport you to a uniquely different feels. It’s like people have perfectly orchestrated a place where all the good and artistic stuff are put together in sync with the flow of nature. For instance, the bridges, bricked houses, narrow alleys harmonized so well with the canals, the cathedrals and the parks located around the city.

I have seen, heard, tasted and experienced Venice and it’s very positive and highly uplifting.

Emo aside, I only saw, heard and read about Venice. And everything I know about that place is nothing compared to seeing it for real. In all honesty, from where I come from, I have known how nearly impossible it is for me to travel to such far place. Given the costs, it sounds so grand. But really, dreams do come true and I couldn’t thank Him enough.   

Next stop…

slice of cake

The breeze fanning my face, the busy streets with various colors and lights, but the best of all, the frequent smiles that I receive from random people that reminds me, “hey, I am Human!”

In my usual travels, I do have an itinerary but most of these are forgotten once I arrive at the destination. Why, it’s fun! It’s an adventure!

Take for example, hopping a bus or a train going to an outlet store somewhere in Jersey but opted to spend the time just walking around the busy metropolis. I was wearing the thickest of my coats in response to the cold weather that has been affecting my nose and head for a few days. I got hit by the flu bug and it distracts me from marvelling my eyes on the various sceneries that await me. Seriously, when you got colds on an important travel, doesn’t it feel like you want to take out your nose and collect the mildew, dispose it all at once, so then you can continue to enjoy the travel when you were in top condition?

Anyway, I opted to see the flatiron building today. Believe it or not, I don’t know where it is and I am depending so much on my GPS. I passed by the “korea town” and it really felt like a little korea, whereby the restaurants and shops offer nothing but Korean food and stuff. I am amazed to see these small shops in one street, I wanted to go one by one but if I do so, I might not have more time for other places later.

I saw a small fruit stop and opted to buy some grapes, it’s fun munching something while walking and fruits would make a great fit. I was busy walking and watching the people pass me, forget the munching, I thought maybe later I’d find the perfect spot. I was stunned to see…

“there it is!” I said to myself, seeing flatiron building beaming against the sunlight. My friend asked me, “does it look like an iron to you?”, “it sure does”, I replied, and somewhat like a giant layer of cake or my fave slice of egg pie. I saw the park across it, MADISON SQUARE PARK, Perfect spot, it sure is. I sat in one of the chairs and took out my bag of grapes. I enjoyed myself so much. It’s refreshing to be able to pause and watch people and how busy everyone is. It feels good to finally take the down time and absorb other people’s way of life.

I saw yellow cab hustling through the streets, nonstop sirens from all over the place. Ladies in heels, half-running half-jumping, guys on bikes and yes, tourists like me, busy taking photos and checking the map, seems familiar. I imagined if it was my city, I would be one of those who can’t decide to run or walk just to get to office, or maybe I’d be one of those having coffee in one hand while having my bag on the other while walking OR perhaps, I’m not one to see, as I’ll be a home-based nanny or whatever, this city is just too expensive to be unemployed!

I stood up and walk past the intersection just to have a closer look at the building. Strangers smiled at me, as I took out my phone and tried to capture crossing the street, one for the movies style! I imitated a lady crossing the street  with fresh mid-turn in a slowmo, pan out, zoom and cut!  Weird, I know, but everything seems to be cinematic in there!

My tummy is a bit of distraction though, might be the grapes or must be that I am starving.

My GPS showed me a nearer fastfood chain but my sister strictly told me not to be late for dinner, so I said goodbye to flatiron district… Adieu, see you again…