selfish

I don’t want to give.

It may sound so egotistical but there would come a point in life wherein giving wears you out. I am not talking solely about the material things that you could provide but the time and effort you freely give to someone.

I read a random quote on the web and the particular line struck me: “Match my efforts”. It triggered a mental response right away. I am used to initiating communications, organizing meetings of sorts, and making sure that someone feels involved. The more I did it, the more it cemented the role as my regular. I was happy doing it, so I did not mind it until recently.

Communication is a two-way thing. It won’t work if I eagerly reach out and do not get a response. But I wondered, does it have to have a response? Do I really have to initiate communication? What if I just keep quiet? When I don’t hear from you, maybe it’s just the way things are. I don’t mean that friendship requires constant communication because I have good friends whom I do not talk for months and when we do, we remain close. But if the non-frequent communication with friends always starts with me, what’s the point?

Matching the efforts means not always doing the giving but also receiving.

I may be too amenable to all my relationships. For example, when someone wants yellow and I like red, I give in to choosing yellow in the end.

Oftentimes, I get asked last about my preferences because they’re used to me saying, “Yeah, it’s okay”. I am used to saying, “It’s okay” and that it sometimes becomes my auto-response. I don’t like being fussy so “it’s okay” is a perfect answer. But when I think about it, is it really okay?

I don’t like feeling greedy and pushing my choices. I couldn’t stand the guilt I feel every time I get my way while knowing that someone’s choice was rejected. So, I give in. I choose what someone chooses because it makes them happy.

Why do I do that? It chips off a little part of myself to always give way to someone’s preferences than mine. I realized it might not be healthy in the long run because gradually a series of little chips off would consume me whole.

A close friend once told me that my best trait is my selflessness. I was surprised. I didn’t know I was selfless, just amenable.

If you ask me, I don’t like being selfless. I hate to do the leg work. I don’t like unrequited efforts. Thinking about it, it sets a tone for my future relationships. And I would be honest to say that it doesn’t look one bit convenient. It becomes a one-sided union wherein I get emptied and the other overflowed.

I don’t want to continue the habit of sacrificing my own desires. I know it will dent my mental health.  I don’t want to continue suppressing myself and making others’ needs the priority. I want reciprocation.

I don’t like having many regrets so the best way to do so is to live my life, my way.

I want to be selfish. I want to prioritize my own. I want to look at my plate and see only what I like.

Getaway to home

“I need to get away!”

That’s my major thought one day when I woke up from a deep sleep. How could I not take a single vacation leave for a year? I wondered.

This comes after my stupid travel ban rule in the hopes of recovering financially.

However, the signs of burnout are showing – exhaustion, lethargy, and boredom.

I feel as though I am working for nothing. I could not possibly go on working because I know what I can do if I reach a certain limit.

I initially planned to travel to somewhere beautiful early this year. I made the plans, map out the places to go, and even go as far as booking my hotels. BUT… I changed my mind and opted to fly home instead. Going home is a long ride and a very expensive one at that. I am so used to coming home on a 3–4-hour flight but Canada is just so far. I was mentally preparing myself.

I have three weeks of vacation. I decided to take one week off to take my parents on a trip, much to their surprise. I made the plans myself and decided to tell them when everything was all set. I know they wanted South Korea but, in my mind, we have been there. I even stayed there for an extra week and went to the places I wanted to go in 2019. And even if it’s four years ago, I still remember it freshly because it was just before the pandemic, before the world froze, and before multiple travel bans were in place. I decided to go where I have not been into. I chose Taiwan.

I was supposed to do itineraries but so much happened before my flight home. I had to settle everything and when I did, I was too beat to plan Taiwan in detail. A day before the Taiwan trip, I had to mad dash to the PAL office by the airport to settle their sudden change of flight and the long layover that comes with it. I was referred to the manager and we had a good talk. It ended with him giving me his number for any issue that may arise later.

I had no time to sit and plan the itinerary. I went with winging it day by day. The “no-plan” plan.

While embarking on the plane, I was surprised to be seated on the preferred seats. Still thinking about what to do in Taiwan, my sister sent me screenshots of a vlogger’s itinerary. (I am not one to watch vlogs in my free time) so, sending me bits and pieces of those places, well, it helped a lot. I just had to choose from those places.

I took my parents to street food, malls, residential areas, castles, and parks. On our third day, we rented a private car which took us outside Taipei. We all enjoyed nature, the new scenery, and the photographs that we took. It was a very chill trip. I wanted them to feel relaxed and refreshed even if it means taking it slower than usual. Taiwan was a perfect choice to do the modern and the nature in one trip.

When I arrived back in the Philippines, I had two weeks and all of which are severe sunny days. Heat is my kryptonite, so I met friends for dinners. I had a grand time spending with the family, and it was what I really needed. I have switched dreamy places for home, but home is always the best place on Earth so no regrets there.

While there, I thought of three things: First, life is too short. Spend it wisely with people who choose you. Second, I must have money. Money is not everything, but it makes things possible. Lastly, I can’t go on without breaks. Period.

To each his own. Others may like cool kicks (I do too), some may like collecting expensive bags, and some find happiness in redecorating their houses or whatever but there are others whose happiness lies in travels. All are valid, everything is good. You do you and that’s essential. I needed a getaway, and I’m glad I did. 

Reluctance

Funny how I used to care about so many people before.

I’d like to be on the loop, to be in the know. But now as a levelheaded 30-ish, I come into terms about what I can control and what I cannot.

I care less about other people’s opinions because I was never one to do things based on other people’s feelings. I care less about a person’s story because it is not my personal experience. You may say I am uninterested. Yes, I am deeply uninterested about other people’s affairs unless they want me to be a part of it.

I admit it gets scary sometimes because I feel like I am closing off.

I don’t like forcing things or undefined anything. I don’t like undefined relationships, undefined preferences, or undefined intentions, among others. If you like me, sure! That’s great, we could be friends. If you don’t, that’s okay, too.

I’d like to think that the more I stay in the moment, the more focused I am to achieve meaningful experiences. I have always thought of life as a fleeting gift that needs to be savored while on it. I don’t like having a celebratory moment and yet feeling anxious about the looming sadness that comes after. I want to BE in that moment and worry about what comes after when I am ON it.

So, with people if I am your friend, I am your friend till the end. Unless you chose not to be. Shots won’t be fired on my end. You did it.

With realizing that there are things I cannot control, I let go.

I don’t dwell on reluctant people. I choose those who are sure about choosing me.

 

Secrecy and normalcy

I was watching "Sex and the City" last night, there’s this scene where Miranda told Mr. Big that both Carrie and he are crazy for deciding to get married.

And then, Mr. Big got cold feet and never showed up to the wedding.

Then Carrie’s best friends being her best friends, took her away for vacation.

Then six months after on Valentine’s Day, Miranda finally confessed that she may have said something that may have had a significant impact on Mr. Big’s cold feet demeanor.

Carrie was perplexed that Miranda did not tell her sooner. Miranda said she was waiting for the proper timing and Carrie told her that she should’ve tried to tell her every day. Carrie mentioned, “You know what hurts the most, it’s not because you told me six months after, it’s because you kept a secret from me when I never kept a single secret from you.”

This line… I could relate 100%.

I am conflicted with the idea of friendship.

At one point, I think that secrets go with the kind and level of friendship that we have. Of course, we do not expect someone to share his/her life story with a mere acquaintance. But when we take someone as one of our best friends, we expect openness with each other. We expect that there is a mutual understanding of not keeping secrets from each other. At least on my part, that's my major friendship takeaway.

However, if we add personality to the mix, the result may be different. If someone is secretive, asking him/her feels like we are prying into his/her affairs. It makes us feel as though we're exercising some sort of control over an unwilling participant.

Serious conversations demand honesty. We own our truth.

Like any sort of relationship, friendships operate in mutuality, in reciprocating what we receive. We do not take and take and never give anything in return, that’s not friendship. That is behaving like a spectator on someone’s life if not (and sorry for my term) a leech.

If truth be told, I have yet to find a balance between these kinds of friendships. I know for sure that I can’t change a person’s mind, but I can change mine. I am yet to explore the ideas around it. There are options to filter me and my truth OR not put much weight on this type of friend.

In any case of misfortune, I may have considered them my best friends but clearly, they may not have considered me theirs. I am not sure whether to take it at face value, leave it as it is or leave it and never look back.

"Sex and the City" has never made this much impact on me until last night. Was it for good or for bad? I don't know. 

Forums

I admit I am a fan of Reddit.

It takes me back to a time when forums were the first form of social media interaction. If truth be told, I was once a member of Sarah Geronimo’s fan forum. LOL. No kidding! Yes, I did that.

The forums are interesting. It feels like a community of people sharing information, getting answers to their questions, or just people broadcasting their admiration for something or someone, somewhere.

Anyway, so I am not a regular commenter on Reddit. I am more of the silent lurker type. However, last night I had the burning curiosity to type in a question. It was a wholesome inquiry into places here in Vancouver.

Being new here with limited transportation options, I have not been to many local places. I wanted to explore this city and get the most out of it. I do not want to be a tourist even after years of living here. I wanted to know the inside information, somewhat like the local guide to sumptuous meals, hole-in-the-wall places, etc. I was surprised to have received so many comments. There were so many places I have never even heard of.

Most comments were mentioning dining alone and taking a spot in the bar. I was curious. I have never taken a spot in the bar, much more, alone. It made me think about doing it. I have read somewhere about the importance of challenging oneself and taking on things you thought would be uncomfortable, and I think I just got the lead!

Let’s see how it goes, for now, I have to say, I am taking notes on these places hoping to visit some of them in the nearest future!

Forums, are they helpful? Well, I’d say depends on what you put there!

Gratefulness as an option

“When gratefulness is an option, always choose it every time.”

This was the line that struck me in Anne Hathaway’s magazine interview.

Life is a series of decisions. Sometimes, we make good ones and stumble upon bad ones. Some bad decisions, we know from the start and still pushed on, and others, well, we thought it was good until it went bad, OR it was good but ended up bad. Because of life’s unpredictability, we try to forge paths never really knowing what happens next.

But it is in this unpredictability that life becomes life. We either rise above the occasion, stay safe, or get let down. When we understand that nothing stays permanent, we do our best to go with the flow. No amount of happiness nor sadness stays forever.

The same is true with our experiences. For mine, I have had thoughts about how something I really wanted never materialized. It’s like having all the ingredients and all I must do is boil them together. However, by some twist of fate, the stove had malfunctioned. I was left disillusioned and probably regretted why I never started it earlier. But as I look back and really digest what happened, it was not meant to happen at all, I was meant to be invited to a four-course dinner!

I realized that the little mishaps and the frustrations were nothing but a slice of spice. In the grand scheme of things, those that I thought I lost were not mine to begin with. What’s funny is that the things that I thought were near impossible to acquire, I got them.

Circling life, I have built an attitude of gratitude. I believe that what’s meant for me will ALWAYS find me, no matter where I am in life. And although sometimes I miss the signals, I always try to pause and detach myself and recalibrate what is important to me. I am grateful for the missed chances, all my “almost” and my wrong turns because they prepared me to be the woman I am today.

It would be a lie to say that I don’t get consumed with negativity when I am going through difficult times. Most often, I would be swallowed by it. However, I try to remember that diamonds come from the rough. It achieved its shine by going through a rough process to smoothen its edges.

When there is gratitude, we try to look at life through a different lens. Sure, it is not all the glitters and gold but the values and lessons that I have learned after every downfall, heartache, heartbreak, and failure carried me through life. 

The nice one

I hate that I must be the nice one.

Nice, as in, the recipient of trivial gossip, the person who can always be a target for anything and everything unbelievably insane.

I’ve always shied away from gossip. I don’t want to get myself involved in useless conversations where the main objective is to create a story about someone else – the goal would be to tell it in the most creative way possible – unfortunately, the worse, the better. I don’t like talking about a colleague, an acquaintance, or a friend of mine in a way that makes me question my own loyalty.

I don’t like being name-dropped in malicious conversations. When the message has been relayed and they single out who was the source, I don’t want it to be me.  I just don’t like how it makes me feel – cheap and village-y.

I have packaged myself with the dignity and competence of a grown woman who can hold her own. I have always thought of myself as someone who can say a thing and be completely honest and accountable for it. I made sound decisions that could propel me to, albeit slowly, put myself ahead of my tribe. I have made goals and challenged myself to make them come true.

I pride myself as independent, level-headed, and competent. I don’t need smearing campaigns to gain something. I already gained everything I ever had from doing hard work, sheer luck, and without the need to bring somebody down. It’s never my MO. Somehow, I made who I am by my own strength – without hanging the possibility of progress over someone else’s resources.

But because I am tagged as NICE – I get targeted by people who can never accept that their own fate is their own doing. I get annihilated because they think I don’t fight back.

Firstly, I was not born yesterday. Secondly, I got to where I am now not because I ALWAYS chose to be safe. Lastly, I choose my battles.

You could say I am nice, but no one is ever too nice if push comes to a shove.