ei

“Ei”

To my surprise, you messaged me. My mind wandered to the Alps and back whether to reply or not. The right and left brain grew in tangles. But alas I decided to reply. It’s not as though di kita matiis, it’s more of pagbabago ko ng style.

You see, I have been hurt before, maybe the same intensity as this or more and I applied my known equation. That is, to keep mum about everything even my closest of friends didn’t hear a thing from me. I almost dramatically cut all the lines of connections. From almost every night of texting and chatting, as abrupt as I was with changing my undies, I stopped communicating. That was me. That was me years back.

How unfortunate (or fortunate) of me to experience this again and I vowed to use another equation. They said people have different ways in coping up with situations. I’ve tried the previous one and it never helped me ease instantaneously (of course it will never be like that) but at least I was hoping it’s something that passes by until it completely vanished.

Here I am again, running in circles. As much as I would like to be cool with it, I just cannot. I’m afraid I’m drawing towards bitterness and it scares me.

Technically, it should never be put in this shade of light. It’s illogical to really feel mad about someone just because he stopped wooing you when he said he won’t. It’s just sad to expect things from a person whom you thought would stand by his words. It’s as though I was played at. I was hoping and yet, I hoped and it went to the drain. Again.

At this point in time, I really find it weird. My self is as messed up as a thread in with loose ends. I seem to have this habit of justifying things and it calms me but when I think about it again, I get furious uncontrollably.

My head would tell me, this is nothing but an equation. Something to be solved within the depths of activities that would make me busy. It dictates the positivity of the actions and that there will be someone better that comes along. Some days, it drives me to think that there is something wrong with me, twice in a row. How can it not be?

My heart, is another story. It beats. It beats as fast as it can. Sometimes, I get afraid the beating would stress out the veins. My heart is a soldier of love. You hurt her, it understands in selflessness. She’s a hero, a wounded soldier, a giver, and in times, I think she is a martyr.

Then I managed, “Hi, hope you’re happy. Good luck and good life” See? How absurd is it to wish someone, luck in his new love when your heart is screaming “No!” at the top of her voice? But then, happiness is something you’d wish to someone, whether or not, he means or not to you.

Sure, I can use someone to fill in the gap. To show him that I can have another him in an instant too and to make him feel as though he never really meant something to me. But what would that make me? Nothing. Just a bitch who’s acting like one. I will never be a user. I will never hurt someone’s feeling just so I can regain power over someone.

So ei, no matter how I wish to talk to you, it’s just so pointless at this point in time. I’m a raging bridge and I would never give someone a piece of my mind in this state of disastrous me.

guilty

I feel so guilty.

I have been flooding twitter and my friends think that they might check on me. They're curious on what happened to me.

This is one of the disadvantages of blurting out problems in public. One of the many reasons why I love to blog is because I can be too personal without friends knowing. Yes, public can see it but mostly chances are upon strangers browsing others blogs and had me next when they press that tiny button in the upper left side of this blogging site.

I just wouldn't want to be verbal about it. I have my own therapy, writing. I prefer to write than to speak, for speaking can make me change my expression and tone of my voice. I hate when people around me feel pity over me. 

We go through processes. We go through certain phases in this life and I want to go through it the peaceful possible way. I don't need to talk. I don't need to speak. I don't need to see the expression of their faces. I don't want charity. I don't want sympathy, for once, I just want to be me without too much editing.

I don't mean to make friends intrigued about my situation. That's a far cry from what I wanted to do. I just wanted to vent out, to let it all out, to release feelings that burden me at this point in time. I don't need people prying over my affairs. I don't need even the closest of friends to feel as though I need help. Sometimes, someone who listens is the one most helpful. No words, actions or deeds needed, just a simple ears to be lent to.

I feel as though I am guilty that I have to be private about it. I just don't like talking about it face to face and telling everything from the start, it relives what is supposed to be forgotten. I owe it to myself to go through it in harmony with the rhythm of my heart, after all this is my life, my feelings and my heart that is broken.

And when I'm over it, I'll be glad to share it to my friends, as an experience to be laughed upon over a cup of coffee with some yummy chocolate cake.

endpoint

Investments…

It is wise to choose where to invest. It is wise to keep your interests in line. Business books teach us that and it’s simple logic. For the best profit in less costs possible.

But what if we’re talking about investments in subjective forms? How do we gauge ourselves if this is enough or not?

So my dilemma is on. Again. Paulit ulit. History repeats itself. There’s no point denying, I am hurting. Again. I might feel numb and give up. I’ll put on my gear and make myself invisible again. This is nakakapagod, I tell you.

This time, I consulted my friends (for the first time). I mean, I don’t usually share matters of the heart; it’s mostly quintessential to keep it to myself. Close my doors, put on my plugs, and drown with bitterness, all by myself. It’s like that. Always have been.

I told my good friend “should I quit? Close all access?” and she answered, “will it make you feel better?” I said, “yes, I guess. I’ve done this a couple of times.” And she said, “for me, it’s delaying the inevitable. There’s no need to block or cut the access, learn to fight it, face to face. Truth hurts but it hurts more if you prolong the process.”

Hmnnn.. logical enough, but saying it and doing it is not the same. Have you ever tried, avoiding someone so bad and still, you end up bumping into him? It’s that nerve-wracking, heart-drenching, breath-taking feeling of surprise with a whole band of mice in your heart the moment you look up and see his face.

I always believed that in order to be happy, we should let go of the things that make us sad. The thought of seeing him happy with someone else makes me sad. The pictures, the exchanging of comments or even the slightest tease from their common friends makes me deliberately sadder than sad.

The reason why I have to cut the access is because I want to do myself a favour, not to be coward (or so to speak) but to please myself to see only the things that make me bright and sunny as ever. Just by being abroad with few friends is enough reason to be lonely, thinking about your special someone who drifts away makes you the loneliest.

I want to gain my peace of mind by giving up persons who do not harness my growth but deter it. I want to be in harmony with whatever I have as of the moment. I want to live life free from worries and stress of a relationship (or lack thereof). I want to be me. The right woman for every man to be proud of.

I can say that this whole new experience is pretty much expected. It seems as though, all the roads lead to one thing, the nothingness. I’d like to believe that after all that has been said and done, I get to see light and have selective memory loss of what has been and what could have been.

I am speaking myself in a viewpoint of a woman shattered and broken-hearted. I do not wish to hope less about my future love. I’m just giving myself a break. I realized, I am not ready. I will never be ready for someone who does not keep his promises. We’re older, we know better. I hope there’s still hope for the flowers.

same side

Damn!

Here I am again in the same side of things, the losing end. I am writing to clear off my mind as whatever I do, I can still think of you.

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess I have to go through it all again for me to learn how to be numb. I guess the pain doubled. I guess I have to learn not to trust enough. No matter how I protected myself, it’s still the same pattern, I’m hurt and no one’s gonna fix this mess but myself.

I should’ve listened. From the very start, I know there’s no point to it. I laid down the cards and I predicted how it will end. I am right, it ends like this. How can I not know? I am the chosen one, the loser, the bitter; the one who takes all the pain and only God knows how much I can take. Stubborn as I was, I want to challenge the circumstances, I still gave in, I still continued so now, I have no one to blame but my overly adventurous self.

You won’t see me cry. You won’t see me sad. I should not show it. I will be in the upper east, maintaining my sunshine. There’s nobody who can break me.

Now, I just have to concentrate on my routine. I will not pretend but I will not disclose. Life goes on. There are just so many you and only one me. I won’t let my hopes down just because of you.

volatility

For how many posts would I make to emphasize a point of life’s volatility?

You have lived life being the best of who you can be. You marveled at new experiences and braved dark times. You have lived to conquer your fears and to make the most out of life. You yearn to survive. It’s always a vicious cycle of survival.

You loved and lost. You loved and forgot. You loved and taken for granted. You have someone you like, liked for long or liked for the time being. You have said I love you yesterday but not yet today.

And yet just like every other creature, it is predetermined that the flame will be slowly draining.

Mortality. You can never predict. You sleep tonight and never know if you ever wake up tomorrow. One foot on the ground and the other one floating. You will never know when the time is. Your time.

Life is short. Cliche. You live each day to fulfill basic needs, do your duty, follow your routine. It’s as though, you only live to pay the bills. You have to earn a living. You follow a pattern.

And when your time has come, and doctors pronounce you terminal or in stage 4, you begin to ponder, have you lived a life of meaning? Have you live as how you want your life to be?

fallen angel

I see you. Don't look behind or sideways, I am talking to you!

Yes, you!

For how many times have you tried not to show it? For how long have you kept your face? For why do you love the dark?

You won’t believe it, but I know you. I saw you. I dreamt of you. I had the most vivid flashbacks I could ever have of you. So here’s what I think you are…

When you think you can bear it all, you are ready to go through the odds. It’s painful but you chose to keep it to yourself and pretend it’s always sunny in your side of the world. People would think you never had any experience of any pain ordinary lovers go through but what they don’t know is that, you smile the fakest smile to hide the pain and broken wings.

You put on your greatest weapon, a façade of happiness. You thought everything will be better. You live each day hoping for a better tomorrow, that somehow, someday, things may change and you will be put in the pedestal. It’s like being a struggling actor, you do your part, you take on small roles, pretend to love the lousy acting of your co-actors but deep inside, you want someone to notice you as much as they notice the big ones. You continue to hope that one day someone will see you and give you a break to star in something more challenging, bigger and in most coveted role.

People tell you, you know nothing. For how can someone who is as inexperienced as you are know how it feels like to be hurt like you’ve never been hurt all your life? Silly ones. Who are they to judge you like they know you since you’re born? You smile at the thought. They shouldn’t know. You grin and they continued to believe.

So today you’re here. Unmoved by circumstances. You’re here with your funniest jokes, happiest face and infectious smile. You’re here as though you are as complete as A-Z. You’re here as though your soul has never withered. You’re here hiding your dirtied wings. You’re here pretending. You’re here.

girls of summer

An almost impossible journey that made it the most memorable.

Friends are never easy to find. You talk to some but only those you feel comfortable with are the ones you have the privilege to share part and parcel of your life.

I wouldn't have survived this new path that I took in if not for the good friends that made this whole adventure a lot bearable.