thought bubble

It was one windy night, I was in our village and we saw each other sa kanto, ana daw ko, “o asa ta mukaon?”

Then they have varied replies. Ana ko “ok sige sa lachi’s rako, feel nko mukaon og cake”. They all went to the opposite direction and I went on my way to lachi’s which is adjacent lang. Naisip nako, I should’ve brought a bike.

I went inside and I saw myself in the glass mirror, my goodness! I forgot to change into something more presentable. I was wearing my loose boxers and my underwear garter is coming out. My shirt looks rubbish and I was wearing a hat. I saw familiar faces but I never said Hi because I looked really horrible.

When I went inside, it was like a big patio and the one serving me was coincidentally my former grade school teacher. I asked for Yummy choco torte but she told me it was out of stock. I asked her “naa lage ka mam? Diba Bahrain naman ka?” she replied, “nah gipalitan gain ko ni mama ticket pabalik, dili ko ganahan na mubalik” so I asked her “kay ngano man?” she just laughed and said “ok naman ko diri” so I just bid goodbye and told her  “see you around”

While on my way out, the familiar faces I saw on my way in, smiled at me. I smiled back and hurried my way out. My gosh! It is so dark, I am so afraid to walk home alone.

KRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

My alarm woke me up. I was In the state of puzzlement. Of all dreams, why would it be the one that I am afraid?

So on my way to work I formed three concepts:

1)     am I the same girl I used to be? I’ve lived and travelled miles and miles away from home. Left the things and people that I am most comfortable with. Yet, Am I still afraid? Afraid of what? The dark? The uncertain? The unknown? The humiliation?

2)     Is it true that I lack confidence? (my sister told me that the problem with me lies in the fact that I am doubtful about my abilities. She told me that I am not confident enough to get to where I am that’s why I am stuck in the moment) Really?

3)     Am I really anti-social? Seriously? I wouldn’t mind if I eat alone or do things on my own, I am much more effective that way but going different to prove a point, do I prove any? I always thought I am unique but my uniqueness can be a huge weirdo factor. Why not join the crowd? Do I have trust issues?

These thoughts are like bubbles of clouds hanging over my head. I am in the process of synthesizing these concepts. Am I not what I thought I am? Am I becoming a person who I want to be?

Ugh. 

inner peace

You know what I always prayed for?

Inner peace.

It’s not from Kung Fu panda. Haha.

It is the alignment of your heart, body and soul. A sense of contentment.

A taste of pure bliss, not because of a particular rush or some adrenaline kicking in but a deep understanding that everything is temporary. It is that sense when nothing can ever bother you, not a thought, not a worry, nada. It is that sense of calmness that goes beyond the realm of materialism and earthly pleasures. It is that sense of transcendence. A heart that supports the thoughts, a soul that cleanses the mind.

Indicatively, people from all walks of life yearn for something more. A dancer cannot be dancer without looking out for new, popular moves. A rich cannot stay rich without yearning for more money. I guess peaceful people cannot stay peaceful without yearning for more peace, and that is topping it off with that peace that’s from within.

The only way to achieve inner peace is through meditation. Emptying the mind with thoughts and just be one with the inner voice.

The world is too loud and our ears cannot be covered, but isolation and solitude can help achieve a phase of meditation.

I want my inner peace. That is when I do not have to worry about what to eat, wear, where to go. That is when I do not have to think about what the future brings or how long I will last. That is when I do not need to go along with the people that surround me just so; they cannot tell me that I am anti-social. That is when I can be at my most basic self, feeling the most basic emotions without layering masks into my face.

Inner peace… an act of transcendence… the state that I yearn to achieve.

dream home

Privacy.

Davao will always be my home. Even though, ironically, I don’t have a room at our house anymore, why, my mum made a storage room out of my old room. Seriously?! It saddens me that I don’t have a private lair anymore.

I used to hang out in my room (when I don’t feel like going out or when I am in a major saving up for a trip) back then. I have this mini-component with dynamic bass sound installed, I have my TV and what I love most was my desk inside my room. Why desk? Because I get to brainstorm while sitting. I’d drew illustrations, I’d write poems, I’d daydream. And when I study, I can’t be lying in bed or else, I’d never even start to read at all. Hehe

My fondest and most enjoyable memories would include switching off the lights and listening to my favourite jazz and bossa mix-ups while sipping on my iced tea. I’m weird that way. I’d spent nights doing the same thing and I’d wake up really happy the following day. And while I get ready for work, my BG song would always be Rihanna’s Disturbia! It perks me up more that coffee does. Talk about little secrets.

Growing up, I’m not really used to staying in my room most of the times. I’m not like most of my classmates that when I phone them and their mums would answer they’d say, “naa sa iyang kwarto, kadali lang tawagun nako”. Subconsciously, my mum never allowed me to stay in my room throughout the day. I can only relish the privacy during nighttime. Haha

Someday and wishfully soon, I hope to build my own house, have my own private lair. I’d imagine it to be youthful, practical and homey, something extraordinarily ordinary. I don’t care if it’s grand but as long as it’s mine.

When I daydream about it, I really get to be so excited. I want it in a favourable neighbourhood… peaceful, safe and secured. If lot area would be small, then a 2-storey house would be nice. I want to have a wooden stairs that would enable me to see the first floor from upstairs. Mediterranean style with spacious corners. I’d paint it as earthly as possible. I’d want a home that would be empty of so many memorabilia. (Although I’d doubt that) I would want to have a mini garden of veggies more than an artistically landscaped lawn.

Ahh.. Thinking this would make my heartbeat really fast. I don’t need a realization of my ideal, grand and top of the art dream house, I’d just want the realization of my humble, practical, convenient and comfortable home.

And you’d ask me, where it would be? Without doubt, Davao is still the place to be. J

healthy options

Can I do it?

So the thoughts of going back to law school feels like a good idea. I’m keeping myself busy for something that I am interested in. I feel like it is about time for me to finish what I started.

Of course I know the sacrifices of being a law student. Once upon a time, I am a freshman joggling between my job and school. I get really anxious when the clock hits 5 and we will be having an oral recitation with my Fiscal Professor at 6pm. Talk about never to be late or else you’d never be allowed to enter his class. What’s aggravating is that, when you were marked absent, sure thing, you will be called on the next session and if by chance, you gave the wrong answer, you’d end up standing the whole period. He is the badass.

But really, me being a law student back then, it was just a fun thing. I am never too serious about it. It’s just like something to fill in the gaps after work. I feel as though, I have never really tried hard enough and made an effort to burn my brows (sunog ng kilay) to study for the subjects. I do read but only when there is a recitation or a quiz/ exam coming up. It was never a regular study thing. Unlike my classmates who were intense.

I can say that I belong to a “kind” class; my classmates were really nice to me. Handing me their notes, feeding me information, giving me a heads up when I seem to miss out on my readings. They were supportive to the point of self-hate and self-abuse (because I just tend to copy their case digests without really understanding what the case was about). Haha

If given the chance to continue, I’d like to be much serious about it. I’d like to really dig myself deeper, study the laws by heart. Law school isn’t easy. The fact that not all of those who take the BAR become lawyers; it is reverence to the study.

Ahhh… I don’t know if I have the patience to do it or if I have the ability to be constricted in a classroom again or yes, do I even have the brain cells sufficient for it? There are so many options to go into, for now, I’m taking my time.

wobbly

Fearless.

I could be crazy for thinking about jumping without a harness again.

So I told my closest friends about my plan to just quit my job and look for another one. The idea is simple as waiting to be hired first by another company before I submit my resignation letter, no problem. But here’s the thing, I could no longer wait.

I feel as though I’ve waited long enough to finally reach my decision of bailing out from this company. Believe me, it is never easy. Coming up to this decision is something that I avoided so many times and even brought me to the point of depression.

I am a sentimentalist. I value memories, I value friendship, I value time that I spent keeping up with something/ someone. A shirt for example, would mean so much to me, for various reasons such as it was given to me when I was 12, it was the first shirt that I received after graduation, the day that it was given was the first day of my menstruation… the list goes on, every minute detail, I remember it. I am that. I take so many memories out of an ordinary thing so when someone tells me to dispose it, I really do not have the heart to give it away.

This job, is my first here in Singapore, my second in my lifetime. I am a loyal employee. I value the opportunity and trust given to me, so there’s no way I’d be persuaded to jump off the ship without much thinking. I am a fan of togetherness. I stick around. I always do.

But really, for some major reason, I’ve been dissuaded to continue. I just feel like I am too rushed, too pumped up, too pressured and if this shall go on, I’m going to explode. I hate to think about it but I am nearing the peak.  

Practicality demands for me to stay but what if happiness becomes at stake? You know that moment when money becomes the reason to persevere, it makes me live but makes me miserable as well. For what good is keeping up something when it doesn’t make you feel alive? For what good is enduring when you know you’re never going anywhere?

For now, I certainly feel like it is the best time for me to move forward. I know it’s impractical, irrational, irresponsible or perhaps, suicidal, but really, what’s there to fear when I have overcome so many already?

2014 is a year to be fearless. I’ve been through a lot of dramas in the past; I’ve always been on my toes,

gearing up the battle head on, and yes, almost always lonesome. No matter how wobbly my knees or how cold my palms are, or how my mind killed me so deeply that I always succumb to feeling helpless, I always get on my feet, standing my ground, showing as though no one will scare the hell lot of me. I am strong at least I believe I am. Now, it’s showtime!

endpoint

Lucky Me.

In both the fiscal and Chinese new year, I followed my horoscope to wear something that should make me lucky this year and guess what, first quarter of the year, my boat has been rocked again. Am I lucky? Ugh.

Career-wise, I’m not doing well. It’s like being in a 1/8 submerged ship and any moment, I’ll be sinking my way down to the bottom of the ocean. Am I exaggerating? Apparently no. I feel so constricted that there is no time to joke about this.

So I made up my mind to finally leave the ship and find my way through my small boat. It’s now or never. Here I am again, leaping for the unknown. And seriously, it scares the hell lot of me, but there’s no other way but to test the waters myself. I’d close my eyes and hold on to the thought of my salvation, no matter how hard it is.

Of course my mom has been my major concern; her thoughts are leaning towards me being unstable and all that represents one being down the drain. I have thought about it too but really, me staying is like me putting myself to eternal hell. I feel hell already and there’s no way I’d tolerate myself from feeling this way. It’s time to change.

Gladly, my sister has been supportive of my decision. I know she worries about me too but really, I appreciate that she thought of my feelings first rather than the need to put something on the table. ‘Cause seriously I don’t need anymore negativity. I’m done with it.

I do not want to cry for the same reason again and again. Obviously, it is becoming a cycle that I am getting rid of this year. I am so exhausted to think that every year; I’d go through the same loop and should manage to cross the burning loop unscathed. I feel like I have to prove myself over and over again when I know what I am worth. It’s a game I am afraid I’m very bored at.

Now, no matter how shaky my feet are or how my mind can change from no to yes in staying, I have found the courage to just let it go. This is a time of my life where I just want to be steady. I feel that I pushed too much buttons and there’s no other button left but the eject one. I just don’t want to be trapped in the same situation where I feel as though I am an underdog, where everything I do is about someone’s approval or worse, someone’s mercy. It’s just not the way to live.

And when I think about it, I feel relieved. I feel as though I am born again, to have a second chance, to renew myself, to try new things, to experience bliss and not having to worry about tomorrow. Aaah I missed it.

Am I lucky? Perhaps.

crappy me

The funny thing about being in a painful ordeal is that you look exactly okay.

I have read a novel in which the lady character was an ex- battered girlfriend. She may not have visible cuts or bruises because her seasoned abuser is too smart to know where to plant it to hide it from prying eyes but when she speaks, she speaks that of a broken soul, someone who’s been through the rough, used to it and would be surprised if the good comes in.

I know how she feels now.

How weird it is to stress yourself up to your thoughts of pain and hardships, not falling asleep easily because it bothers you yet, you look fine, and you grew accustomed to the feeling that the blow is not as intense as it was back then.

You’d be surprised but the endurance you now have. You accept how crappy this life is and how bad you are at improving things, so you just let it go.

Perhaps, I was able to reach my saturation point. That extent wherein I feel the same, NUMB. The pain and the hurtful ensembles do not equate to the end of the world anymore. I feel I should care less.

I used to be in a position wherein I do struggle to take control, to have dominion over the situation or be my best self in facing the unprecedented. Now, I feel like I am coming off the throne, I am facing the battle; my shield is not as intensive as it was back then. I am just coming off as ME. Whatever you throw at me, I dodge, if I shall be hit, then that’s just about it, I AM HIT. IT HURTS. I am my crappy self.

Being in an issue is always a turning point in my life. I hate to be put in a hot seat with glaring eyes trying to get something out from me. I hate to be the one who does a lot of explaining. I hate to be talked about. I hate that I will have to hide even if I didn’t do anything wrong or if I did, don’t I deserve a second chance? I do hate all that. Who doesn’t?

But at this point in my life, I am proud to be in a position where I can accept my mistakes, learn from them and just continue to seek out the best things in this life. I am stronger than I was yesterday. All the things hurled at me, all the sacrifices, all the obstacles, it’s clear that I am a diamond in the rough.

I no longer have to fight over my worth because I know what I’m made of. I don’t know what my other potentials are but I know I am capable of something if I only put my heart into it.

Being battered by fate and all that comes along with independence is a reality that pushed me to be better. To be dynamic, to know when to fight and to know when to back away. I am me. I am crappy. I can be selfish. I can be immature. I can be childish.

But we don’t live in a world where we just continue to live because we pretend being who we are not. We live in a world where we should accept who we are and still continue to see that bright white light that guides us to be who we ought to be.