yeah!

Happy 2015!!

I spent my days before hitting New Year contemplating about my future plans.

To be honest, it has been a first. I am just usually happy and giddy towards the end of the year but maybe as I grow older, I begin to think about what I really want to happen with my life. Needless to say, I am in an age wherein, I NEED to be a bit serious.

Looking back, I was serious. Hell yeah! But I would always end up on going to a playful path. I’ve had my finest moments in, “F*ck it, whatever, let’s do it!” or “It’s not for me, fine”. It’s always about choosing to act on something and then when it does not turn out well, let’s not talk about it and move on to something more interesting.

Days before the New Year, I have this big question hanging above my head, “where would I be in 5 years?”

Ahhh.. I spent lonely times riding the bus, seriously thinking about what I wanted to do in life. I acknowledge that I still have time to pursue my other dreams, dreams of studying abroad, starting a biz, learning how to drive, migrating to a new country where there is permanency, applying for something more… however, I am always drawn to a fear of how to start. Where to begin?

They say at 25, you begin to understand your place in the world. You will figure out details about yourself and move forward with a definite goal.

In my case, Am I a lost reindeer? I still don’t know where I am in the world, and definitely, I am not settled yet. My mind is full of possibilities… but each one isn’t really as easy as it looks like.

Then my worries about health and finances troubled me to no point. I spent sad days thinking about what ifs… I get ultimately stressed thinking about where to get the finances in healthcare and emergencies.

I am confronted by the fact that I am not getting any younger. My friends and peers are settling down, going to the conventional road of maturity and growing up, while I am still stuck in the moment of youth. I am brimming with the thought of still being in the early twenties… seriously, who am I kidding, I need to realign my priorities and lead to the conventional path too… but how? Pressured aren’t we?

These thoughts are disastrous ingredients to self-pity and self-doubt. Really, in no time, I was feeling so down, I just wanted to eat and eat, sleep and be drowned by misery while playing ultimate sad songs.

Then one day, It dawned on me. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I making my life miserable by being a loony who thinks of things more than her understanding? It’s not right!

I woke up to a new day, I promised myself to leave all these worries behind in 2014. I am starting fresh. Unadultered. Unstoppable. Indestructible. I can make it. I have God, why worry?

2015 is a gift slowly opening before my thine self. I believe that every year is a lucky year because we still have a chance to outdo ourselves from the previous years. I believe that we have the ability to choose happiness than be swallowed by our own misery, in fact, deadly thoughts remain thoughts and those have not happened yet, so why entertain the thought when we DO NOT want it to happen?

I want to remain positive and see the color of life because I have a very limited time to do so. I only live once, and I am making sure, it won’t go unnoticed!

Cheers to AWESOME 2015!! 

2015...

As this year is about to end, I am seriously thinking about my future…

Haha.

Believe me, I tried a hundred times to avoid the thought. I’ve been dreading thinking about the reality of getting older. It’s too self-consuming, bothersome and yes, I feel pressured.

Alongside keeping up with being a grownup is a growing desire to achieve more, earn more and build more. I have been clear about my goal of success as being HAPPY but I get all consumed by the fact that I need to do something in order to get something.

Which brings me to my thoughts of making concrete plans about my future. Do I have enough? Do I really like the way things are? Am I happy staying this way? These are what make me preoccupied these days. We’re hitting January 1 and next thing I knew, it’s March and it’s my birthday. I am going to be 28!!! Just 2 years before the calendar evicts me…

If I stay here in Singapore, keeping my job, okay… will I be happy? Honestly, I feel anxious. I don’t want to go through the same world-shattering experiences I have encountered for the last 2 years. I’d just be pretending that everything’s okay even if it’s not, and yes, I am changed in ways that I do not like, I feel burdened with zest-less events in life. That’s soooo not me. There’s more to life than keeping the job in order to pay the bills.

What do I want to do then? Well, I’d like to try and live somewhere else… Australia, New Zealand, Canada or the US. I have been keeping an eye as to how I’m gonna start to apply for migration… ah, I hope God will help me on this.

I am also thinking about venturing into biz, but I don’t know, I am quite hesitant because I am inexperienced. I would love to travel more too, Bonjour Europe and Hello America!! I want to get a driver’s license and make time to learn how to drive, of course. I want to build my own house, a sanctuary, free from negative ideas of the people around me. Seriously, I need a place in Davao, away from painful truths and obvious lies. I just need to get away from the heaps of negativities.

Lastly, I want to FALL IN LOVE. Ahem. That moment when you feel you’re ready to open up, share yourself to someone who adores and respects you for what you are, who accepts your level of weirdness and tolerates your degree of independence. Ahhh… that would be amazing.

There’s a lot of things I want to do in 2015. One day at a time, baby steps. I do not want to worry about the things in advance. I just want to live happily, forever thankful, chase some of my dreams and feel at peace.

Lord help me.

HER

I was able to watch “HER” last weekend, this is in effect of my being fanatic. Why, I was browsing through videos of K Pop idols and I have come across my new found fave K-pop idol’s her reality show. She mentioned that her favourite song as of the moment is the OST from HER. When she tried to have it aired, I can only listen to melancholy and solitude, it was intense.

She mentioned, the only way to appreciate the song is to watch the movie, and so I grew curious and hit play.

HER is a movie that generally speaks about Love and feelings of loneliness.

How do you cope with loneliness? The Kpop idol mentioned, she watches HER again and again.

Upon watching, I couldn’t help but think about the times when I felt lonely myself. That feeling when no one understands what I’m going through. That feeling when I look at the world around me and see colors yet I only stay loyal to being BLUE. That feeling when I’m surrounded by laughter and chitchats yet I feel the silence of emptiness crippling me like a drug.

Every now and then, I go through the phase of being lonely. There are times when I feel like sharing myself to someone but hesitates big time because I am not comfortable with it at all. It is a struggle to maintain a happy outlook on life especially on days that the challenges are too much, I retreat to being alone, silent and in the dark.

In the movie, the actor had an OS for a girlfriend because he felt that the personalized OS understood him in a way that no one else can. When his ex-wife knew, she told him that it is such a joke; it’s only an excuse because he cannot handle real emotions, and thus, the divorce.

Then it struck me, sometimes, is it really that? There are so many ways on how we cope with our overwhelming emotions and being able to share it virtually, to a stranger, to a notepad, is it like burying it to the unknown without properly dealing to the correct subject? I wonder.

Personally, I’d like to believe that loneliness is something that we go through so we can appreciate company. Coming from a family of few members, It is inevitable for me to be alone. I do things on my own, make ways for the things I want to achieve, getting things my way because I can get it faster, easier and less troublesome. I find it odd for people to stare at me just because I am eating alone in a two-seater foodcourt corner. I find it absurd for people to whisper, is she anti-social? Just because I am on my headset and roaming around the mall.

I think that coping up with loneliness is a personal thing. Because even if you are surrounded by lots and lots of crowd, you can still feel lonely plus, it’s really something that we work hard to overcome because it drags us down with its slow effects.

In the movie the actor writes very intimate and heart warming letters, perhaps he is an effective writer who writes sensitive letters because he has the depth of emotions that he can draw from. In the end, the movie escalates to the loss of the OS, as it has been pulled out from the market. He was devastated but he knew that the OS and him are two very different things that exist. The movie then ends up with him calling his ex-wife and saying sorry for all the things he has made to hurt the ex-wife.

It was a futuristic movie that presents the possibility of the innovation of computers and internet. To a degree, it has been happening, with the evolution of Wiis, Siri and etc, it is not impossible really. But with these developments, I think that challenge is still about how to be human. To deal with our own feelings, limitations and abilities.

Ahhhh.. To say the least, krystal Jung (the kpop idol) has a weird sense of movies. Haha I’d personally prefer Mission Impossible. Taken and the likes, not the melancholic, solitary HER. Haha

Oh well!

2014

2014…

I am thankful for the chances. I am thankful for breaks. I am thankful for kindness. I am thankful for good health. Most of all, I am thankful for the people who love and believe in me.

I have gone through a lot this year. It has always been me against my personal demons. Those thoughts that suck up my energy in no time. I have undergone major turbulence that left me breathless and helpless. I have gone through doors closing in front of my face. Pain after pain. Struggle after struggle.

.

It has been an eventful year for my career as when all else have accelerated, I was going through a meltdown. I have been hopelessly thinking of quitting, of starting new, of going after what I want to do and drowned in confusion, even questioning my own capabilities. I have been crying in the shower not wanting to show all my frustrations in public. I have been doing my own therapy, and thus the amount of blogposts.

I have never been so sad because I felt lonely. My thoughts this year was that, I NEED TO STAND UP even if it meant standing alone. It’s a tremendous year with all my personal battles. I’ve never felt so alone, enduring, tormenting, agonizing episodes of personal torture.

But yet, through it all, it is true, when you’re going through hell, keep going.

I found myself just continuing… less thoughts, more prayers.

Wrapping it up, I think everything I’ve experienced taught me a lot about myself.

When I was about to give up, I told myself, hang on tight. Hold on keep still because it will pass. As the ride continued to be rough, I promised myself to let go once I cannot take it anymore. You see, patience is something that you try to achieve first before surrendering. When I thought about the time that I need to let go, I grew anxious but moreso, relieved. I know that God will never forsake me. And then the ride went bearable.

When I was about to say “f*ck it, I’m not doing this anymore” I was given a reason to. I looked forward for breaks because it made me more human. Life is not always about sacrifices and pain, there’s joy and excitement as well, a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was about to say “I quit!” I was pushed to see the reason why I need to stay. I valued time and memories. I know that I need to enjoy this phase as I am not going back to this again. In life, there is always PLAY, PAUSE, STOP but no REWIND.

When I was about too say “A****LE” to a person that at one point, I despised so much that I wished he’d trip over the stairs… I was reminded that Life is like a wheel. And maybe when I reach to his point of power, I wouldn’t want someone cursing me to trip in the stairs, through a poop or whatever, just because she despised me. I’ll just wish for Karma to take her cue then. Haha

To say the least, 2014 has been memorable. Despite the battles, I am happy. Happy to have been taught a lot about life. Happy to have been given chances. Happy to know that the windows are opened in spite of the doors closed. Happy to be alive and make more colourful memories ahead of me.

Finally, I realized that happiness is a choice. And because it’s a choice, it requires a lot of effort to WORK OUT. We are toppled by negative thoughts and fate may hurl hurtful events and mishaps, but God will always make sure we’ll get by, by sending so many little blessings.

Aja!

rain DEAR

Six days to go!!!

Oh my gosh! How time flies, it’s six days to go before Christmas!

What to do? I haven’t done my Christmas shopping yet. And Christmas preparations? Not so much.

Oh how I miss home during this time of the year. I’d just be giddy without reason. We don’t have much of a family tradition as we are just few in the family. But growing up, the most traditional thing that we do on Christmases is gathering with the whole clan, play games, chat a bit more, and EAT.

I miss those days when my sister and I would host the event and all we do is talk and talk. We’d dance and enjoy ourselves and shop for party favors. I’d personally sponsor for chocolates and candies, it’s such an exciting thing to do, hit the groceries and just buy what I feel like as raffle or game prizes.

My last Christmas at home was, 4 years ago. Can you imagine? And with the last 3 Christmases abroad, I try to make It as special as I could by feeling the moment. (pakonsuelo de bobo: It’s just temporary that I am away, you know.)

This Christmas, I plan to prepare a bit food for noche Buena with possibly me and A only since all the others will be working. (That’s the sad thing about being in the overseas; you get to be lonely on special occasions really.) Dress up and feel good, go out and attend Church and yes, on Christmas day, I’d like to witness fireworks in Universal Studios (something new)

It would probably be my last Christmas here in SG, who knows? So I’m trying to make it pretty special. As for Christmas shopping, the red tags are on but money is… well, running empty. Haha I already bought a Christmas present for myself which would be claimable only in march. As for the friends, well… isn’t the meaning of Christmas be LOVE and SUPPORT? Haha. Maybe I’ll go grab something for them later.

Anyway, my wish this Christmas is GOOD HEALTH, for my family and me especially for my parents.

P.S. Santa, I’ve been wishing something for quite a loooooooooooong time now, how come it still hasn’t arrived? I wonder.

Six days!! You have six days my dear Santa. Please? Please? I’ve been good this year!!

XOXO

new and improved rejects

To feel rejected.

My hatest feeling in the world. Who does not, right?

I remembered when I was in high school, I was so enthusiastic in joining a school activity which would present a modern dance. I love to dance, I really do. It’s when you let out your inhibitions and just be all out.

I was so excited to learn new steps however our dance leader was a little bit unapproachable. She’ll boss around; get mad at us for not keeping up the dance steps. I had a hard time following as my dance moves are very limited compared to hers. I was trying so hard to practice as much as I can but one day, she belted out tantrums. She then shouted, “what’s wrong with you?” and we all fell silent. As if in a friendly manner, I spoke, “hey, let’s not get mad..,” then she pointed her finger at me “you… you know you’re not a dancer, why did you join?”

I was taken aback. The group looked at me with piercing eyes. I was frozen and I wished right then and there that I would be eaten alive by the ground. I was too embarrassed. I decided to run to the nearest bath room, and there I let my tears flow. I can never forget that incident as it brought pain and left a scar.

After the incident, I never looked at her the same way again. We became friends after. I can’t remember if she said sorry, but to me, the damage has been done and no matter what I do, I cannot forget it.

More than anything, I hate to feel that I am insufficient. That I am not good enough. That among a group, I am left out.

It really hurts me that people would secretly approve of something and I am to be kept blind. It hurts me that I do not belong, that I am different, that I am the weakest link.

It’s like studying for an exam and you find yourself getting the lowest mark in the end. It’s clearly not fair but what are we going to do?

I realized that there are numerous times in this life that we do not get what we want. The odds are not always in our favour. While people can get things done and achieve most of their goals easily, there are so many times that no matter how you try; you just can’t get what you hoped for.

It saddens me that I get to feel insecure and unstable. I get to feel like I am nothing. I get to feel that I am not trusted. But then again, people can hurl bad things at you. People can always get to your nerves and make you feel like a failure but it depends upon you. Are you really?

When things get rough, I seek to rise above the occasion. I realized after a long time that most people who succeed are not really the ones who are the best at what they do but are the most diligent ones. The ones who never back down no matter how many times they fall. Sometimes, it takes longevity to succeed and not just pure talent. It takes perseverance more than the skill.

And coming to terms with this idea, it’s not really necessary that I get to be the expert of the things I do. More than that, It takes hard work and commitment. It takes climbing back up again and again even though I’ve been knocked off for countless of times.

To be rejected is for losers, those who feel like a true-blue reject.

I don’t think I belong to that group anymore. It’s time to step up the game! Fighting!

sana naging tayo nalang

P! Guess who I saw?

-Who?

Someone who occupied your heart for a long time.

-Wow!! Sino nga?

Si _______.

-Oh!

At eto na naman tayo. Binabalik balikan ang alaala. Ilang taon na nga ba? 10 years? 10 years ding di tayo nagkita. Sa loob ng 10 years, andaming nangyari, nabago, naalis, natanggal, nadagdag, nadama at kung anu-ano pang “na-“.

Walang buwang hindi kita minsang naisip. Paulit ulit ang pagtakbo ng mga kaganapan ng kahapon na pilit kong iwinawaglit sa aking isipan. Sa bawat nakakatuwang alaala, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mangiti. Parang sirang plakang the more mong iplay, the more mo syang matatandaan. Bakit kasi di nalang naging tayo?

Naalala ko noon, pumunta ako sa Manila para sa isang training. At habang sakay ako nga MRT, may namataan akong lalakeng, parehong pareho ng style mo, hindi ko masyadong naaninag ang mga mata nyang natatakpan ng maitim na salamin. Siksikan ang mga tao at ako’y nakaupo sa sulok, naisip kong siguro’y bababa na sya kaya pilit akong tumayo upang makita kang muli.

Bumaba ka sa glorietta, at nakumbinsi ko ang aking mga kaibigang bumaba na rin. Sinundan kita  ng tingin ngunit mukhang hindi mo ako nakita. Balisang balisa ako, nais ko sanang lapitan ka upang batiin, imagine, sa dami dami ng lugar at taong makikita, sa iisang tren at ikaw pa ang aking nakita. Ikaw.

Tinipon ko ang aking lakas ng loob, ano ngayon kung di mo ako napansin, lalapitan na kita ng bigla kong naalalang tawagan ka muna. Hinanap ko ang telepono ko at sa pagbaling kong muli, wala ka na sa iyong kinatatayuan. Duma dial na ako ng telepono ngunit naisip kong, ano nga ba ang sasabihin ko pagsagot mo.

“hey, nasa glorietta ka ngayon noh?” at baka naman sabihin mong “oo, nagmamadali ako” or kaya’y “huy, bakit nandito ka, nandito din ako” tapos yun pala hindi ikaw, sabihin mo pang naghahanap lang ako ng excuse. Haha You see, ang mga desisyon ko noon nakadepende sa kung anong iisipin ng tao. Sana di na ako nag isip pa at sinunggaban kita nung hapon ding yun. Baka naging tayo na.

Naalala ko din isang gabi, nagtitext tayo at paulit ulit mong sinabing, pupuntahan mo ako sa bahay namin, ako naman itong timang, hindi. Hindi puwede. Sus kung alam mo lang, naghuhumiyaw ang puso ko sa kilig at saya, bakit ako pupuntahan? Bakit ako bibigyan ng oras para puntahan? Ang ngiti kong umabot hanggang langit. Baka naging tayo na.

Sakay sakay ako sa front seat habang kausap ang tatay ko nung nagtext ka, sabi mong, gusto mo akong makausap. Tumawag ka. Tumingin ako sa telepono kong nasa paanan. Paano ko sasagutin? Tumingin ako sa tatay ko, tumingin din sya sa akin, “yung phone mo nagriring”. Gustong gusto kong sagutin pero di ko masagot so I pressed the red button to ignore your call. High na high pa rin ako pero di ko alam anung meron at kinakabahan ako tuwing may kausap sa telepono. Sana sinagot ko, baka naging tayo na.

Naalala ko din may pinuntahan tayong beach, abala ang lahat. Hinanap kita at nakita kong nakaupo ka sa kubo kasama ang mga kaibigan mo. Pasimple kong sinuot ang shades ko, at umupo sa isang balustre kung saan maari kitang pagmasdan ng hindi mo namamalayan.

Inisip ko, ano nga ba ang nakita ko sayo? Aaminin kong may hitsura ka talaga, ang yong mga matang kusang ngumingiti at ilong na sing tangos ng poste ng meralco. Pero di naman hitsura mo lang ang napansin ko, napansin kita ng dahil sa kasimplehang taglay. Hindi masyadong madada, walang kaaway, walang bisyo, basta… nang biglang, tumingin ka sa gawi ko at huli na upang ilihis ko ang aking tingin, sabagay nakashades naman ako… ngumiti ka, hindi ako ngumiti para kunwari hindi ikaw ang minamasdan. Nagkunwari akong tumingin sa iba at kumaway, nakita ko ang mukha mong nadisappoint. Sana ngumiti nalang din ako, baka naging tayo na.

Tuwing nag uusap tayo, sinasabi mong crush mo si ganito ganyan. Ako naman itong timang, oo nga maganda si ganito, ganyan. Kung alam mo lang… sa bawat nagugustuhan, nacucurious ako kung sino sya, parang punyal na dumidiin sa bawat himaymay ng aking pusong nasasaktan. At nung sinabi mong nililigawan mo na si Juana… dun na nagsimula ang lahat. Sana ako nalang, baka naging tayo na.

Tapos Nalaman kong naging kayo ni Petra at sa di mawari, di ko maintindihan kung bakit labis akong nasaktan. Nagsimula ang lahat sa imahinasyon kong kay likot, litrato mong tinago ko at idinikit kasama ng solo pic ko. Ni minsan, hindi ko kinwento kahit kanino. Maraming beses na pwede sanang naging tayo kung mas naging totoo ako sa sarili ko, pero ni isa sa bawat pagkakataon, hindi ko naisip na mawawala ka ng tuluyan.

Siguro’y kay taas ng aking kumpyansa, marami ka mang magugustuhan, sa akin ka pa rin babagsak. Alam mo yun? Yung feeling na, walang ibang magmamahal sayo ng totoo kundi ako. At sa ideyang yun, nakocomfort ako. Kay dami kong hinindian kasi alam kong darating ang oras na magkakalakas loob ka din. Pero sa bawat buwang nadadagdag, nasaan ka?

Siguro nga… mali din pala ang maghintay ng maghintay. Kasi habang tumatagal, mas lumayo ka kesa lumalapit. Hanggang sa… di ko nakayanan pa. Mahal kita pero mas mahal ko ang sarili ko. Sa bawat larawang nakikita, doble ang sakit, ang pangamba, bakit pa ako magdurusa?

Sa bawat kuwento na pangalan mo ang ibinigkas, tinuruan ko ang sarili ko ng “poker face effect”. Ni isang emosyon, dapat walang maaninag. Ang mga kaibigang pilit ibinabahagi kung saan at ano ka na ngayon, di ko pinakikinggan. Kung gaano ka disinterested ang mukha ko, gayun naman ka attentive ng puso ko. Over over.

Inalis kita sa aking sistema. Bawal tulay ng komunikasyon, hindi ko na maaaring gamitin pa. Paano kita makakalimutan kung paulit ulit kong Makita yung updates mo? Paano kita palalayain kung ni mismong litrato mo, paulit ulit kong minamasdan at sinesave as document pa? Mali. Hindi naman naging tayo.

At nung nag-ping nga ang kaibigan ko, pinilit kong wag pansinin. Nakaya ko nga ng sampung taon diba, ngayon pa kaya? Siguro nga’y hindi naman talaga tuluyang nakakalimutan, kasi feeling ko, ikaw naman talaga ang first love ko. Pero bakit ganun, akala ko wala ng effect, pero sa tuwing naiisip kong makakasalubong kita, hindi ko pa rin alam ang gagawin.

Alam ko, OA nga talaga ako. Sabi nila, magreact ng ayun sa relationship status. True, pero paano mo naman sasabihin sa puso mong, huy oa ka na, magreact ng naaayon. Sana talaga…

Sana naging tayo nalang…