temporary

Tired…

There are days that I seem to over analyze everything. From basic aspects, it leads me to think so much about my future. My sissy once said, “You seem to think of so many things that aren’t even appropriate for your age.”

And she’s RIGHT! That’s what makes me different from her. I told you, I’ve got worries of a 40-year-old, mother of six children. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about how life will become of me. There are days when I feel a lot lonely and make me think even the wildest of thoughts like leaving it all, No looking back.

A GREAT ESCAPE. It thrills me not to know where to go, crossing borders, being free from inhibitions. When all else fell to fate and leaving spontaneity in full action. Isn’t it exciting? Maybe the thrill that I am feeling out from it is psychological in nature. Like I am a person of plans and goals and breaking free from it is a HIGH for me.

My sis once told me “you’re only 25, live your life. Know yourself better, be your worst but collect yourself to be the best, don’t box yourself in gurl, there’s the world for your taking” And perhaps I should take it from her. She’s done all this liberating feeling of being away from home. Enjoyed her singlehood in full bloom and now that she’s married, she’s got no regrets!

The zest in me is inconsistent. Some days I’m fired up and some days I just feel burdened by all the duties that I have to do. I am getting bored, tired and the energy is decreasing. I feel too old to go partying, too old to go for girls’ night and too old to be feeling kilig a thousand times and one. Again, I blame it to QUARTER LIFE CRISIS. (For lack of better reason)

Being busy with everyday hurdle is normal. Feeling fed up is the most ordinary thing. But giving up… well, it’s another story.

Anyway, all I ever want is a happy life. A life with meaning and yes, when I go gray, I just want to remember life, as something that makes me young all over again. It’s safe to say that all I ever wanted is a life well-lived.

Hater

I super hate you.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s with you that make me so much drawn to you. Maybe, your weirdness is the same wavelength as mine. Maybe, your unpredictable nature baffles me to my excitement. Maybe, your way of showing how you like me is unconventional and I find it interesting.

I hate you.

I hate your guts. Feeling like you’re so sure of yourself. Like, I am that faithful. Hear this out. Maybe one day I’d realize completely that you aren’t the one for me or perhaps I am realizing that now. Maybe one day I’d wake up smiling over someone’s memory. Maybe one day, I’d realize how lame I am to have liked you in the first place. Maybe one day, you’ll just become part of my thoughts, a flashback of good times- young, wild and free to like, or love!

I hate you because you make me feel as though I can take everything. I hate you because I never knew I am capable of enduring. I hate you because all my friends are screaming No and I seem to agree, but in the end, my heart still says Yes. I hate you because you’re too charming that it’s impossible for other women not to notice. I hate you because no matter how I tried to erase you out from my system, I’m missing you all the more. I hate you because there are guys who want me to notice them but in the end, I still see you in them.

I really hate you because I really like you and I hate it.

ako nalang

Kainis ka!

Alam mo yung, nandun n asana sa level na ok na, plantsado na kaso nagkadeperensya pa! Mygahd higad, isa kang malaking X na dapat matagal ko ng inilibing sa limot. Isa kang malaking nunal na ayaw matanggal tanggal kahit laser pa ang ipantira ko. Isa kang bwiset na langaw na di mamatay matay kahit pa isa lagapak na bongga aking ibibigay. Bakit ganun?

Mali ito. Mali na makaramdam ng bonggang pagkagusto lalo pa’t di ka sigurado. Alam ko na kasi ang ending nito, ako ang dehado. Sa totoo lang, di ko na dapat inentertain ang thoughts ko about you. Hindi ka naman masyadong gwapo para pagtuonan ko ng pansin, in fact, what you are, ordinary beauty. Common face in a bunch of crowd intersecting in a pedestrian.

Ang masakit pa, you made me believe. You lead me on. Pero don’t worry, I am not wholly blaming you for everything, I have a part too kaya nga dobleng sakit. Why, because I played along. I was somehow expecting and I am hurting.

Alam kong over naman na affected ako agad. Ganun? Agad agad? Over na kung over but I really fell for your stupid joke. Ako naman itong gullible, napaniwala agad. Hay. I can say, the walls I’ve built for years mejo natibag but buti na lang I have recovered some pieces of it and maybe, in due time reconstruct it again.

Ang sakit lang isipin, twice in a row, nasagasaan ng bongga yung pride ko. Good that I never went public with it, it saved me from further scrutiny. Ganito na lang ba role ko sa life? To live in misery sa mga naunsyaming romance? To live in pain but keeping a cheerful face? To live in discomfort knowing how happy you all are while I am still waiting for that perfect takip? Geez!

Sabi ko nga, dapat hintayin, anyone worth having is worth waiting. Bakit ganun? Nakakasawa ang palaging masaktan habang naghihintay. Kabilang ba ako sa mga apektado ng epidemyang pang 21^st century? Ang mga nasasaktan kahit walang karapatan? Saan ang hustisya?

Ang masakit pa, sa dinami dami ba nama ng babae sa mundong ito, bakit ako ang palaging naiiwan sa ere? Bakit ako ang lubos na nasasaktan sa mga pangyayari? Maari ko bang iassume na because I am stronger than most girls, e ako ang chosen one? Bakit naman ganun? Ako nalang palagi ang napipili. Pwedeng iba naman?

Naiinis ako sayo at kung pwede lang ireorganize yung life ko, sana naman may katuparan. Ako na ang sumalo sa lahat ng kamalasan sa mga naunsyaming first romance. At nang dahil sayo, nagdedecrease yung trust level ko sa mga kabaro mo.

Di ako tanga at lalong di ako estupido. Don’t bilog my ulo, you won’t like it when I get to learn how to play your games.

Intiendes?

discernment

Discernment…

This one word that gets me really into it. Most often, I just suppress thoughts so as not to solicit unwanted emotions and perhaps entertain impossible ideas.

The truth is, I am an over thinker. An egg can lead me to think about how the chick will become in the future. That advanced. That bo…oooring! Of course, I hate that I am being drawn to this kind of thinking. It adds worries; it makes me feel burdened about my future. I feel as though I am responsible for everything.

Anyway, I went home just recently. I had a goo week-long vacation, with a hectic schedule everyday. I felt really happy that after so long, I am back home. Amidst my busy schedule, I was able to assess what I really feel about it all. And here it goes…

Being in Davao is happiness. My family, my friends, all the familiar faces, the food, HOME, everything… only that, salary is low and costs are rocketing up, how to cope?

Being abroad is a blessing. I get to buy what I want, do the things I want, eat whenever I want to, go out in FULL liberty. It’s all up to me, even the chores and the daily routine.

Am I ready to go home for good? As I stayed for the whole week, I’ve come to a realization that I am not. Maybe I got used to my life here. Maybe deep inside, I feel really happy about being here. Maybe I love how things work for me. Maybe I like that I am in-charge of everything. Maybe, maybe… I can marry now! (kidding!)

I am very much happy to hear a proposal from my former boss. She asked about my plan, when will I come back, what’s my next step. And I answered, maybe next year, if God permits. Then she told me if I am interested in a bank job again. I am happy to know that she trusts me enough to be recommended soon. Is this really it Lord?

So now, I’m back to square one. Discerning what I really want with life. I mean you know, I am getting older with responsibilities in my shoulders. I can’t stay feeling easy forever. And whenever I think about it, I feel exhausted even before I start.

Discernment. Too easy to say, too difficult to process!

nine months

Woohoo!

So I just came back from my homeland Davao.

NINE MONTHS…

Can you imagine? It’s like being pregnant and running away for people not to notice. It’s THAT long. It’s excruciating. Going home and seeing the place you used to go to, meeting hundreds of friends, bumping into familiar faces, bonding with the family and yes, some hope for some budding LOVE. (or okay, let’s cross out the latter)

I told you before… I am fascinated by the fact of coming home after a long time of being away. I am fascinated by the smell of airports back home coming from huge, ultra modern airports abroad. I am fascinated by being fetched some place else before coming home to Davao. I am fascinated by the changes that will surprise me. I am fascinated by HOME.

Happiness is knowing that even if you stayed long abroad, you always have a place to come home to, a place where love is immortal and where you know you are safe.

I was too excited to see my most favourite people and my most beloved BABY! Chino turned one year old the day I touched down Davao. NINE MONTHS… can you imagine?

What greeted me is the black taxi which offers debit card payments, isn’t it cool? Coming from Singapore, I feel like it’s a huge development (someday, I can go cashless too, just like what I do here). On the way home, I saw HUGE malls enveloping the city.

I was in awe, I never really imagined Davao to be bombarded by malls. (Knowing Davaoenos taste for things? Nah!) The streets were crowded with cars, like wow! Seriously? Davao is slowly becoming a giant awoken from its sleep. Strutting along big malls, I thought, how can a person of minimum wage buy stuffs from designer shops? I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me! How can it suffice a medium to high cost of living? There should be some equilibrium as to wage earned and the prices of goods, or else, malls will just be big rooms for walking and sitting, “airconditionally”!

I met a lot of good friends. Chatted about how life has been and the changes that transformed each one of us. Too bad, there were those, I haven’t been given the chance to meet. TIME CONSTRAINT. My highlight is going to BUDA and experiencing nature. It’s a short getaway from the city. As usual, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated each time I go there.

And why the crossed out portion above? Because HE CHICKENED OUT! Seriously?! Oh well, I think I found my match. I think I just bumped into him in this lifetime, want to make him my friend (but he doesn’t want), want to make him my sweetheart (yucks)… hmnn… we’ll see about that!

I can say that NINE LONG MONTHS was worth the wait. It’s like being pregnant, and giving birth to new hope, new opportunities.

Thank you Lord! :)

coming home soon

The thing is I’ve been really excited about going home again. Alam mo yung feeling na pag naiisip mo, napoprovoke ka to imagine anong gagawin mo dun. Exciting to know na andaming bagong pwedeng itry since I left Davao a year ago.

It’s a mini-reunion for us. Liemy’s gonna come home too. Ilang days lang din, but ok na. And I am forced to believe na friends talaga kami. Imagine, when we talk about it, she’ll say “stop na please, I can’t sleep kasi maeexcite na naman ako” That’s just sooo me!!! Di nakakatulog. But my dear, isn’t it too early not to sleep? One month pa po, ayoko naming magmukha tayong zombie sa pictures ng ating reunion. ^^

It’s lil baktin’s birthday and am very much excited to see him again. I last saw him when he celebrated his fourth month. Ambilis, one year na agad. You know, iba talaga pag may baby sa family, nakakainspire, their innocence just erases all the burdens you’re facing. Their laughter is heavenly, nakakahappy. If there’s someone that’s just so dear to me, it’s Chino. I love him to the core! ^^

I’m excited to meet my good friends. Annie is coming over from Cotabato just for our reunion as well. Ana’s inviting me to some night swim via THEIR house pool. It’s really nice to see each one of them. Ang sarap lang sa feeling na kahit saan ka magpunta, you always go back to home with your most favourite people. It reminds me na bata pa din ako, I shouldn’t think too much about responsibilities.

Excited din akong… aherm, mag “hang out”. I don’t wanna call it a date kasi napepressure ako. As I’ve said, when it’s a date, it’s like having to come out from the cocoon and just be fabulous with girly moves. That’s just not me. I’d enjoy funny/ informative conversations while sipping some frappe or munching some fries with the comforts of dressing whatever I wish. It’s time for me to meet and know more about people. Yung walls ko ang tibay, di talaga natitibag and truthfully, I’m getting bored with my defenses. Nakakapagod pala.

Above all, I am just so excited to be home because I know that there are so many people who love me. It’s like being in a place where I know I should be.

I can’t wait to see you soon Davao!

visit

Dreams are subconscious thoughts that one is aiming to happen.

That’s what they say, could it be true?

Why, I dreamt of you last night, to my dismay.

It’s bizarre but very vivid…

***

I was in a trade fair attended by most of the people from school. I was the usual me, active and sunny. I was busy participating, getting through roles while having fun with my good old friends. I always have this thought that you will be attending but I never really expected you to be there.

I was in a room filled with busy people making something out from nothing. At one time, I had to go north to grab some stuff. I wore shorts that pretty much exposed my legs so I had to stop to put some cover on. I looked behind and there I saw you. I pretended to have not seen you and continued to go my way. As I reached and talked with the woman, I saw you coming forth towards me, again, I pretended not to care but my eyes were pointing back at you from time to time.

I hurried to avoid you but the woman held me back. You stopped and you said “Hi!” in your most appealing smile and cheerful eyes. In that moment, I felt my heart leapt and fell beyond its pattern. I wanted to say “hello” but I was too consumed by my bitterness, I gave you a smirk and head on to my destination.

In my mind, “how dare this guy to greet me as if nothing happened?” In that specific moment, I was fuming with bitterness that no one can console me but my self. I went straight back to the room but again, I saw you. You came near me but I avoided you like a plague. I wish I knew what to say to you so my heart will be drenched from all the pain. I wish I can let it all out, but I knew how pointless it was to discuss things with you.

While you were so alive talking with your friends and taking shots out from your new camera, I pretended to be as equally happy as you are. I was told how things have changed but I was still the same energetic me. If they only knew…

***

The alarm spared me from going through it all. I rode in the MRT to work and still my mind was consumed by you. It’s been years, you should’ve left my mind by today but how come, you still occupy me?

I don’t know how intense the feeling is, all I know is that I wished I never met you. I wished that whenever our paths cross again, I will be a whole me, free from bitterness. It’s illogical to continue hurting. It’s funny how I react so gravely about you when there was never a definite connection.

Maybe, this is me in my most undesirable state. Maybe this is me in frustration. Maybe this is me today… but I know, I’ll get over you someday.

As for a dream, it may be a subconscious part of a person’s brain, but I definitely hope, if it comes true, it will be in a friendlier way. No bitterness, no pain, no amount of sadness and no deadma show!