fantasyland

You are my frustration!

He said, and I replied “same here”. Bakit nga ba ganun, gusto mo sya, gusto ka nya but a lot of factors are pulling you off to be together.

Rules. Isa na yan. Why do we make such rules to guide us to be happy and yet we feel miserable? Why do we set out certain posts on where to found a relationship but these posts are just keeping us from building something out from nothing?

Distance. They say distance makes the heart grows fonder. But in most cases, it’s always a one-sided thing. The girl is usually the one who gets into it more than the guy. It’s unfair to think that while girls who are in the overseas are busy with their respective careers and daily hectic routines, at the end of the day, it is the thought of the guy that they like that appeases them in their loneliness.

Communication. Why do we avoid conversations about ourselves? Why do we not talk as often as want our hearts to be intertwined? Why is a word too hard to utter. The weirdest thing is, you always tell me you like me and yet you ain’t making any move. Dumb, aren’t we?

Friends. Alright, I get it. You are popular with the gang as much as I am with my girlfriends. Tell you what, I’ve been told to really shut off my system for you. They said you aren’t worth it. They said you were as hazy as a murky contaminated water. I guess I shall surrender. This is going nowhere.

And lastly,

Standards. How can you tell me I’ve got big standards to fill? Why do you tell me I’m living in fantasy because I look for the ideal, that who I always like are those that are too good to be true.

Here’s the deal… You’re lousy and boring. You’re too plain, too weird and too self-consuming. You’re too overbearing, demanding and unusually explicit. I hate you in most times but I like you just the same. Damn you! Now tell me, am I living in fantasy?

over you

Done!

So after a year and so of not talking, you messaged me and asked me how I was. Quite frankly, I was surprised. I was surprised that after all these years, you still remember me.

It would be a lie to deny that somehow I was happy that you made the first move because seriously, I PROMISED myself that I would never ever talk to you again. At least not the way we used to. You might say I’m bitter, I am not. I just don’t like to be involved. I swear it would be so much easy for me to just be out of the picture.

I am not bitter although I first thought I was. Considering all the blows it caused my ego, I feel I have the right to be bitter. Good thing, sense won over me. I thought I’d bleed profusely out from this, I did but not as much as I expected to.

My good friends were polite enough not to talk about it. It helped me mend. It helped me face my demons as brave as I was. I just didn’t want for people to press on the issue. From the very start, it’s personal and so it should remain personal till the end.

Your message struck me. I have blocked all access in my attempt to be out of the picture. I just feel it isn’t right to keep you in my contacts or have myself updated with everything that goes into your life. I was never a part of it.

Don’t blame me. Sometimes, the best way to be safe and dry is to never go out of the house at all. I just can’t see the point of me talking to you as if things never happened. Yeah, you would say, you were never at fault. And I am not at fault to protect myself either.

The story of me and you ( oh wait, just me) is one of my life’s tragedies. It’s a story of something Unrequited, a story that I am recovering from. These days, I only can smile at the thought of it. Someday, I’ll remember this and tell it to my grandkids and it will be a hearty laugh.

You bet, I am a giver. My kind nature would not allow seeing you hurting. My kind nature wouldn’t allow seeing your heart break. After all, we only live once. I want you to live once but Happy.

                    

This is my final goodbye, my friend. No bitterness. No heartache. I’m fine. I’ll have my chance. I hope you two have the best of what you deserve. Sweet life! J

temporary

Tired…

There are days that I seem to over analyze everything. From basic aspects, it leads me to think so much about my future. My sissy once said, “You seem to think of so many things that aren’t even appropriate for your age.”

And she’s RIGHT! That’s what makes me different from her. I told you, I’ve got worries of a 40-year-old, mother of six children. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about how life will become of me. There are days when I feel a lot lonely and make me think even the wildest of thoughts like leaving it all, No looking back.

A GREAT ESCAPE. It thrills me not to know where to go, crossing borders, being free from inhibitions. When all else fell to fate and leaving spontaneity in full action. Isn’t it exciting? Maybe the thrill that I am feeling out from it is psychological in nature. Like I am a person of plans and goals and breaking free from it is a HIGH for me.

My sis once told me “you’re only 25, live your life. Know yourself better, be your worst but collect yourself to be the best, don’t box yourself in gurl, there’s the world for your taking” And perhaps I should take it from her. She’s done all this liberating feeling of being away from home. Enjoyed her singlehood in full bloom and now that she’s married, she’s got no regrets!

The zest in me is inconsistent. Some days I’m fired up and some days I just feel burdened by all the duties that I have to do. I am getting bored, tired and the energy is decreasing. I feel too old to go partying, too old to go for girls’ night and too old to be feeling kilig a thousand times and one. Again, I blame it to QUARTER LIFE CRISIS. (For lack of better reason)

Being busy with everyday hurdle is normal. Feeling fed up is the most ordinary thing. But giving up… well, it’s another story.

Anyway, all I ever want is a happy life. A life with meaning and yes, when I go gray, I just want to remember life, as something that makes me young all over again. It’s safe to say that all I ever wanted is a life well-lived.

Hater

I super hate you.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s with you that make me so much drawn to you. Maybe, your weirdness is the same wavelength as mine. Maybe, your unpredictable nature baffles me to my excitement. Maybe, your way of showing how you like me is unconventional and I find it interesting.

I hate you.

I hate your guts. Feeling like you’re so sure of yourself. Like, I am that faithful. Hear this out. Maybe one day I’d realize completely that you aren’t the one for me or perhaps I am realizing that now. Maybe one day I’d wake up smiling over someone’s memory. Maybe one day, I’d realize how lame I am to have liked you in the first place. Maybe one day, you’ll just become part of my thoughts, a flashback of good times- young, wild and free to like, or love!

I hate you because you make me feel as though I can take everything. I hate you because I never knew I am capable of enduring. I hate you because all my friends are screaming No and I seem to agree, but in the end, my heart still says Yes. I hate you because you’re too charming that it’s impossible for other women not to notice. I hate you because no matter how I tried to erase you out from my system, I’m missing you all the more. I hate you because there are guys who want me to notice them but in the end, I still see you in them.

I really hate you because I really like you and I hate it.

ako nalang

Kainis ka!

Alam mo yung, nandun n asana sa level na ok na, plantsado na kaso nagkadeperensya pa! Mygahd higad, isa kang malaking X na dapat matagal ko ng inilibing sa limot. Isa kang malaking nunal na ayaw matanggal tanggal kahit laser pa ang ipantira ko. Isa kang bwiset na langaw na di mamatay matay kahit pa isa lagapak na bongga aking ibibigay. Bakit ganun?

Mali ito. Mali na makaramdam ng bonggang pagkagusto lalo pa’t di ka sigurado. Alam ko na kasi ang ending nito, ako ang dehado. Sa totoo lang, di ko na dapat inentertain ang thoughts ko about you. Hindi ka naman masyadong gwapo para pagtuonan ko ng pansin, in fact, what you are, ordinary beauty. Common face in a bunch of crowd intersecting in a pedestrian.

Ang masakit pa, you made me believe. You lead me on. Pero don’t worry, I am not wholly blaming you for everything, I have a part too kaya nga dobleng sakit. Why, because I played along. I was somehow expecting and I am hurting.

Alam kong over naman na affected ako agad. Ganun? Agad agad? Over na kung over but I really fell for your stupid joke. Ako naman itong gullible, napaniwala agad. Hay. I can say, the walls I’ve built for years mejo natibag but buti na lang I have recovered some pieces of it and maybe, in due time reconstruct it again.

Ang sakit lang isipin, twice in a row, nasagasaan ng bongga yung pride ko. Good that I never went public with it, it saved me from further scrutiny. Ganito na lang ba role ko sa life? To live in misery sa mga naunsyaming romance? To live in pain but keeping a cheerful face? To live in discomfort knowing how happy you all are while I am still waiting for that perfect takip? Geez!

Sabi ko nga, dapat hintayin, anyone worth having is worth waiting. Bakit ganun? Nakakasawa ang palaging masaktan habang naghihintay. Kabilang ba ako sa mga apektado ng epidemyang pang 21^st century? Ang mga nasasaktan kahit walang karapatan? Saan ang hustisya?

Ang masakit pa, sa dinami dami ba nama ng babae sa mundong ito, bakit ako ang palaging naiiwan sa ere? Bakit ako ang lubos na nasasaktan sa mga pangyayari? Maari ko bang iassume na because I am stronger than most girls, e ako ang chosen one? Bakit naman ganun? Ako nalang palagi ang napipili. Pwedeng iba naman?

Naiinis ako sayo at kung pwede lang ireorganize yung life ko, sana naman may katuparan. Ako na ang sumalo sa lahat ng kamalasan sa mga naunsyaming first romance. At nang dahil sayo, nagdedecrease yung trust level ko sa mga kabaro mo.

Di ako tanga at lalong di ako estupido. Don’t bilog my ulo, you won’t like it when I get to learn how to play your games.

Intiendes?

discernment

Discernment…

This one word that gets me really into it. Most often, I just suppress thoughts so as not to solicit unwanted emotions and perhaps entertain impossible ideas.

The truth is, I am an over thinker. An egg can lead me to think about how the chick will become in the future. That advanced. That bo…oooring! Of course, I hate that I am being drawn to this kind of thinking. It adds worries; it makes me feel burdened about my future. I feel as though I am responsible for everything.

Anyway, I went home just recently. I had a goo week-long vacation, with a hectic schedule everyday. I felt really happy that after so long, I am back home. Amidst my busy schedule, I was able to assess what I really feel about it all. And here it goes…

Being in Davao is happiness. My family, my friends, all the familiar faces, the food, HOME, everything… only that, salary is low and costs are rocketing up, how to cope?

Being abroad is a blessing. I get to buy what I want, do the things I want, eat whenever I want to, go out in FULL liberty. It’s all up to me, even the chores and the daily routine.

Am I ready to go home for good? As I stayed for the whole week, I’ve come to a realization that I am not. Maybe I got used to my life here. Maybe deep inside, I feel really happy about being here. Maybe I love how things work for me. Maybe I like that I am in-charge of everything. Maybe, maybe… I can marry now! (kidding!)

I am very much happy to hear a proposal from my former boss. She asked about my plan, when will I come back, what’s my next step. And I answered, maybe next year, if God permits. Then she told me if I am interested in a bank job again. I am happy to know that she trusts me enough to be recommended soon. Is this really it Lord?

So now, I’m back to square one. Discerning what I really want with life. I mean you know, I am getting older with responsibilities in my shoulders. I can’t stay feeling easy forever. And whenever I think about it, I feel exhausted even before I start.

Discernment. Too easy to say, too difficult to process!

nine months

Woohoo!

So I just came back from my homeland Davao.

NINE MONTHS…

Can you imagine? It’s like being pregnant and running away for people not to notice. It’s THAT long. It’s excruciating. Going home and seeing the place you used to go to, meeting hundreds of friends, bumping into familiar faces, bonding with the family and yes, some hope for some budding LOVE. (or okay, let’s cross out the latter)

I told you before… I am fascinated by the fact of coming home after a long time of being away. I am fascinated by the smell of airports back home coming from huge, ultra modern airports abroad. I am fascinated by being fetched some place else before coming home to Davao. I am fascinated by the changes that will surprise me. I am fascinated by HOME.

Happiness is knowing that even if you stayed long abroad, you always have a place to come home to, a place where love is immortal and where you know you are safe.

I was too excited to see my most favourite people and my most beloved BABY! Chino turned one year old the day I touched down Davao. NINE MONTHS… can you imagine?

What greeted me is the black taxi which offers debit card payments, isn’t it cool? Coming from Singapore, I feel like it’s a huge development (someday, I can go cashless too, just like what I do here). On the way home, I saw HUGE malls enveloping the city.

I was in awe, I never really imagined Davao to be bombarded by malls. (Knowing Davaoenos taste for things? Nah!) The streets were crowded with cars, like wow! Seriously? Davao is slowly becoming a giant awoken from its sleep. Strutting along big malls, I thought, how can a person of minimum wage buy stuffs from designer shops? I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me! How can it suffice a medium to high cost of living? There should be some equilibrium as to wage earned and the prices of goods, or else, malls will just be big rooms for walking and sitting, “airconditionally”!

I met a lot of good friends. Chatted about how life has been and the changes that transformed each one of us. Too bad, there were those, I haven’t been given the chance to meet. TIME CONSTRAINT. My highlight is going to BUDA and experiencing nature. It’s a short getaway from the city. As usual, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated each time I go there.

And why the crossed out portion above? Because HE CHICKENED OUT! Seriously?! Oh well, I think I found my match. I think I just bumped into him in this lifetime, want to make him my friend (but he doesn’t want), want to make him my sweetheart (yucks)… hmnn… we’ll see about that!

I can say that NINE LONG MONTHS was worth the wait. It’s like being pregnant, and giving birth to new hope, new opportunities.

Thank you Lord! :)