facial care

There’s nothing more heart breaking that seeing your self from full colors to pale dew.

It makes me down to stare at myself in the mirror nowadays. What exactly went wrong with my face?

I am pretty much disappointed of how things have become. I used to have a fresh, clean face and now all I’m seeing are spots, scars and baby acnes about to come out.

Horrible.

It terrifies me that I have tried quite a lot of things to fix this problem, hormonal or skin level, all of which… to no avail.

It terrifies me even more that I have spent quite a fortune to fix it and it ain’t enough.

I am, in truth, very DESPERATE. I don’t know how to treat my skin with so much kindness because the acne won’t leave, no matter what. I am very much affected by the looks of it. My face is a huge orange, with pores sticking out, infected and protruding. Gross.

I am keeping record of the progress of treatments but just when I thought, the meds are kicking in, a new pimple would come out, leaving me in the gray area and disheartened once again.

I am trying my best to do all the things necessary and that includes sleeping earlier than expected. I have tried almost everything except that. I am vying all the possible solutions. Seeking help on the internet, considering expensive treatments and yes, detoxifying.

I prayed to God to save this face. I seriously do.

It makes you feel good to know that you look clean and smells great, it adds a boost of confidence. And the way things are right now, I feel down. I look the ugliest. huhu

Lord, please help me. Heal me.

of might and right

I learned the hard way that no matter how your insides are screaming, you need to keep it together.

I am candid; I’d blurt out my mind and realize later on that I crossed the line of being tactless. I don’t mean to offend but I end up offending someone because my thoughts are as raw and vivid as my imagination. I need to be vocal about what I truly feel or else, I’d be uneasy. I just can’t be passive and agree even if I scream out NO!

That was me back then. Back when the world revolves around ME.

But then growing up happened. (just give this to me, I promise, walang masasaktan!)

I found myself in a more slow pace… practiced myself not to react almost instantaneously. I tried so hard to listen more. After all, they say that you have TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason. I reflected. I learned that the best way to enjoy your independence is to be at ease with yourself, regardless of the environment you are in. If there’s nothing that can be done to an influential environment that sucks up your vibrance, change it. What is company in the eyes of the lonely?

I learned passivity. It can be good sometimes. Those moments when a friend tells you about a conflicting idea and you just swallow it, no need to refute, debate or argue to no end. I just grew accustomed to thinking that my opinion does not necessarily need to be broadcasted. Yeah maybe, I call it exclusivity while they call it being secretive. It can get tiring to always want to be heard, let’s try silence then.

I am focusing myself to a deeper level of connection. Or so I thought. (At least? Yeah?)  Perhaps, I am expecting more. More of the relationships that I am in and  more of the person that I will be.

I am never perfect but I try my best to be better than the person I am a year ago. Temptations are everywhere and I find myself criticising, exercising my freedom of expression to an extent. But we know those are with limits; along with it is still the value of RESPECT and RESPONSIBILITY. You are responsible for your words, you are not responsible for their understanding but isn’t it better to find peace more than pushing to be understood? I wonder.

My biggest challenge as a social individual, is to shy away from gossips, lies and words that are more lethal than weapons in warfare. Funny how things are sometimes, when I am itching to ask something but decides not to because it doesn’t feel right. And seriously, By avoiding gossips, especially in an atmosphere of work and friends, I feel more at peace but sometimes, anti-social.

People will ask you regarding someone and in all honesty you’d just reply, “I don’t know” to me, it’s like hitting two birds with one stone, you don’t spill the beans that you are not supposed to, PLUS you know you’re being honest not to know anything. The down side however, is feeling left out.

I truly believe that our actions reflect who we are and it eventually come around, if we are one of those who goes around the room to gather info, whispers to one another and stares at the subject, aren’t we also prone to be the one stared at?

Recently, I was taken aback because a relative told me, “Lovely, you are different!” so I asked why am I different, then she replied, “NR ka!” I just smiled. Hmnnn… how do I explain that I do not want to add a spark into the burning pit anymore? How do I explain that my way of comforting is not to add but to lessen, or yes, to neutralize.

Perhaps, I’ve changed… somewhere along the road, I was able to realize how peace works on someone wonderfully. I used to be reactive and all that active… I still am in one way or another, but my challenge keeps on, as much as possible, I do not want to be involved. My mom always reminds me, “walay kumo sa magkinabuhing matarung” and I would ask her to expound, she would say… live right.

We all know choosing right is not always that easy, you have to sacrifice what feels so right just to be right, you have to forget the one that you truly like to remain right, there’s just so many obstacles in achieving righteousness… and we fail at least 50 percent of our attempts but ultimately, what I want is simple… I just want to live happily, freely, beautifully. Away from the stressful chain of words and lies and a plethora of biases that abound. 

yeah!

Happy 2015!!

I spent my days before hitting New Year contemplating about my future plans.

To be honest, it has been a first. I am just usually happy and giddy towards the end of the year but maybe as I grow older, I begin to think about what I really want to happen with my life. Needless to say, I am in an age wherein, I NEED to be a bit serious.

Looking back, I was serious. Hell yeah! But I would always end up on going to a playful path. I’ve had my finest moments in, “F*ck it, whatever, let’s do it!” or “It’s not for me, fine”. It’s always about choosing to act on something and then when it does not turn out well, let’s not talk about it and move on to something more interesting.

Days before the New Year, I have this big question hanging above my head, “where would I be in 5 years?”

Ahhh.. I spent lonely times riding the bus, seriously thinking about what I wanted to do in life. I acknowledge that I still have time to pursue my other dreams, dreams of studying abroad, starting a biz, learning how to drive, migrating to a new country where there is permanency, applying for something more… however, I am always drawn to a fear of how to start. Where to begin?

They say at 25, you begin to understand your place in the world. You will figure out details about yourself and move forward with a definite goal.

In my case, Am I a lost reindeer? I still don’t know where I am in the world, and definitely, I am not settled yet. My mind is full of possibilities… but each one isn’t really as easy as it looks like.

Then my worries about health and finances troubled me to no point. I spent sad days thinking about what ifs… I get ultimately stressed thinking about where to get the finances in healthcare and emergencies.

I am confronted by the fact that I am not getting any younger. My friends and peers are settling down, going to the conventional road of maturity and growing up, while I am still stuck in the moment of youth. I am brimming with the thought of still being in the early twenties… seriously, who am I kidding, I need to realign my priorities and lead to the conventional path too… but how? Pressured aren’t we?

These thoughts are disastrous ingredients to self-pity and self-doubt. Really, in no time, I was feeling so down, I just wanted to eat and eat, sleep and be drowned by misery while playing ultimate sad songs.

Then one day, It dawned on me. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I making my life miserable by being a loony who thinks of things more than her understanding? It’s not right!

I woke up to a new day, I promised myself to leave all these worries behind in 2014. I am starting fresh. Unadultered. Unstoppable. Indestructible. I can make it. I have God, why worry?

2015 is a gift slowly opening before my thine self. I believe that every year is a lucky year because we still have a chance to outdo ourselves from the previous years. I believe that we have the ability to choose happiness than be swallowed by our own misery, in fact, deadly thoughts remain thoughts and those have not happened yet, so why entertain the thought when we DO NOT want it to happen?

I want to remain positive and see the color of life because I have a very limited time to do so. I only live once, and I am making sure, it won’t go unnoticed!

Cheers to AWESOME 2015!! 

2015...

As this year is about to end, I am seriously thinking about my future…

Haha.

Believe me, I tried a hundred times to avoid the thought. I’ve been dreading thinking about the reality of getting older. It’s too self-consuming, bothersome and yes, I feel pressured.

Alongside keeping up with being a grownup is a growing desire to achieve more, earn more and build more. I have been clear about my goal of success as being HAPPY but I get all consumed by the fact that I need to do something in order to get something.

Which brings me to my thoughts of making concrete plans about my future. Do I have enough? Do I really like the way things are? Am I happy staying this way? These are what make me preoccupied these days. We’re hitting January 1 and next thing I knew, it’s March and it’s my birthday. I am going to be 28!!! Just 2 years before the calendar evicts me…

If I stay here in Singapore, keeping my job, okay… will I be happy? Honestly, I feel anxious. I don’t want to go through the same world-shattering experiences I have encountered for the last 2 years. I’d just be pretending that everything’s okay even if it’s not, and yes, I am changed in ways that I do not like, I feel burdened with zest-less events in life. That’s soooo not me. There’s more to life than keeping the job in order to pay the bills.

What do I want to do then? Well, I’d like to try and live somewhere else… Australia, New Zealand, Canada or the US. I have been keeping an eye as to how I’m gonna start to apply for migration… ah, I hope God will help me on this.

I am also thinking about venturing into biz, but I don’t know, I am quite hesitant because I am inexperienced. I would love to travel more too, Bonjour Europe and Hello America!! I want to get a driver’s license and make time to learn how to drive, of course. I want to build my own house, a sanctuary, free from negative ideas of the people around me. Seriously, I need a place in Davao, away from painful truths and obvious lies. I just need to get away from the heaps of negativities.

Lastly, I want to FALL IN LOVE. Ahem. That moment when you feel you’re ready to open up, share yourself to someone who adores and respects you for what you are, who accepts your level of weirdness and tolerates your degree of independence. Ahhh… that would be amazing.

There’s a lot of things I want to do in 2015. One day at a time, baby steps. I do not want to worry about the things in advance. I just want to live happily, forever thankful, chase some of my dreams and feel at peace.

Lord help me.

HER

I was able to watch “HER” last weekend, this is in effect of my being fanatic. Why, I was browsing through videos of K Pop idols and I have come across my new found fave K-pop idol’s her reality show. She mentioned that her favourite song as of the moment is the OST from HER. When she tried to have it aired, I can only listen to melancholy and solitude, it was intense.

She mentioned, the only way to appreciate the song is to watch the movie, and so I grew curious and hit play.

HER is a movie that generally speaks about Love and feelings of loneliness.

How do you cope with loneliness? The Kpop idol mentioned, she watches HER again and again.

Upon watching, I couldn’t help but think about the times when I felt lonely myself. That feeling when no one understands what I’m going through. That feeling when I look at the world around me and see colors yet I only stay loyal to being BLUE. That feeling when I’m surrounded by laughter and chitchats yet I feel the silence of emptiness crippling me like a drug.

Every now and then, I go through the phase of being lonely. There are times when I feel like sharing myself to someone but hesitates big time because I am not comfortable with it at all. It is a struggle to maintain a happy outlook on life especially on days that the challenges are too much, I retreat to being alone, silent and in the dark.

In the movie, the actor had an OS for a girlfriend because he felt that the personalized OS understood him in a way that no one else can. When his ex-wife knew, she told him that it is such a joke; it’s only an excuse because he cannot handle real emotions, and thus, the divorce.

Then it struck me, sometimes, is it really that? There are so many ways on how we cope with our overwhelming emotions and being able to share it virtually, to a stranger, to a notepad, is it like burying it to the unknown without properly dealing to the correct subject? I wonder.

Personally, I’d like to believe that loneliness is something that we go through so we can appreciate company. Coming from a family of few members, It is inevitable for me to be alone. I do things on my own, make ways for the things I want to achieve, getting things my way because I can get it faster, easier and less troublesome. I find it odd for people to stare at me just because I am eating alone in a two-seater foodcourt corner. I find it absurd for people to whisper, is she anti-social? Just because I am on my headset and roaming around the mall.

I think that coping up with loneliness is a personal thing. Because even if you are surrounded by lots and lots of crowd, you can still feel lonely plus, it’s really something that we work hard to overcome because it drags us down with its slow effects.

In the movie the actor writes very intimate and heart warming letters, perhaps he is an effective writer who writes sensitive letters because he has the depth of emotions that he can draw from. In the end, the movie escalates to the loss of the OS, as it has been pulled out from the market. He was devastated but he knew that the OS and him are two very different things that exist. The movie then ends up with him calling his ex-wife and saying sorry for all the things he has made to hurt the ex-wife.

It was a futuristic movie that presents the possibility of the innovation of computers and internet. To a degree, it has been happening, with the evolution of Wiis, Siri and etc, it is not impossible really. But with these developments, I think that challenge is still about how to be human. To deal with our own feelings, limitations and abilities.

Ahhhh.. To say the least, krystal Jung (the kpop idol) has a weird sense of movies. Haha I’d personally prefer Mission Impossible. Taken and the likes, not the melancholic, solitary HER. Haha

Oh well!

2014

2014…

I am thankful for the chances. I am thankful for breaks. I am thankful for kindness. I am thankful for good health. Most of all, I am thankful for the people who love and believe in me.

I have gone through a lot this year. It has always been me against my personal demons. Those thoughts that suck up my energy in no time. I have undergone major turbulence that left me breathless and helpless. I have gone through doors closing in front of my face. Pain after pain. Struggle after struggle.

.

It has been an eventful year for my career as when all else have accelerated, I was going through a meltdown. I have been hopelessly thinking of quitting, of starting new, of going after what I want to do and drowned in confusion, even questioning my own capabilities. I have been crying in the shower not wanting to show all my frustrations in public. I have been doing my own therapy, and thus the amount of blogposts.

I have never been so sad because I felt lonely. My thoughts this year was that, I NEED TO STAND UP even if it meant standing alone. It’s a tremendous year with all my personal battles. I’ve never felt so alone, enduring, tormenting, agonizing episodes of personal torture.

But yet, through it all, it is true, when you’re going through hell, keep going.

I found myself just continuing… less thoughts, more prayers.

Wrapping it up, I think everything I’ve experienced taught me a lot about myself.

When I was about to give up, I told myself, hang on tight. Hold on keep still because it will pass. As the ride continued to be rough, I promised myself to let go once I cannot take it anymore. You see, patience is something that you try to achieve first before surrendering. When I thought about the time that I need to let go, I grew anxious but moreso, relieved. I know that God will never forsake me. And then the ride went bearable.

When I was about to say “f*ck it, I’m not doing this anymore” I was given a reason to. I looked forward for breaks because it made me more human. Life is not always about sacrifices and pain, there’s joy and excitement as well, a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was about to say “I quit!” I was pushed to see the reason why I need to stay. I valued time and memories. I know that I need to enjoy this phase as I am not going back to this again. In life, there is always PLAY, PAUSE, STOP but no REWIND.

When I was about too say “A****LE” to a person that at one point, I despised so much that I wished he’d trip over the stairs… I was reminded that Life is like a wheel. And maybe when I reach to his point of power, I wouldn’t want someone cursing me to trip in the stairs, through a poop or whatever, just because she despised me. I’ll just wish for Karma to take her cue then. Haha

To say the least, 2014 has been memorable. Despite the battles, I am happy. Happy to have been taught a lot about life. Happy to have been given chances. Happy to know that the windows are opened in spite of the doors closed. Happy to be alive and make more colourful memories ahead of me.

Finally, I realized that happiness is a choice. And because it’s a choice, it requires a lot of effort to WORK OUT. We are toppled by negative thoughts and fate may hurl hurtful events and mishaps, but God will always make sure we’ll get by, by sending so many little blessings.

Aja!

rain DEAR

Six days to go!!!

Oh my gosh! How time flies, it’s six days to go before Christmas!

What to do? I haven’t done my Christmas shopping yet. And Christmas preparations? Not so much.

Oh how I miss home during this time of the year. I’d just be giddy without reason. We don’t have much of a family tradition as we are just few in the family. But growing up, the most traditional thing that we do on Christmases is gathering with the whole clan, play games, chat a bit more, and EAT.

I miss those days when my sister and I would host the event and all we do is talk and talk. We’d dance and enjoy ourselves and shop for party favors. I’d personally sponsor for chocolates and candies, it’s such an exciting thing to do, hit the groceries and just buy what I feel like as raffle or game prizes.

My last Christmas at home was, 4 years ago. Can you imagine? And with the last 3 Christmases abroad, I try to make It as special as I could by feeling the moment. (pakonsuelo de bobo: It’s just temporary that I am away, you know.)

This Christmas, I plan to prepare a bit food for noche Buena with possibly me and A only since all the others will be working. (That’s the sad thing about being in the overseas; you get to be lonely on special occasions really.) Dress up and feel good, go out and attend Church and yes, on Christmas day, I’d like to witness fireworks in Universal Studios (something new)

It would probably be my last Christmas here in SG, who knows? So I’m trying to make it pretty special. As for Christmas shopping, the red tags are on but money is… well, running empty. Haha I already bought a Christmas present for myself which would be claimable only in march. As for the friends, well… isn’t the meaning of Christmas be LOVE and SUPPORT? Haha. Maybe I’ll go grab something for them later.

Anyway, my wish this Christmas is GOOD HEALTH, for my family and me especially for my parents.

P.S. Santa, I’ve been wishing something for quite a loooooooooooong time now, how come it still hasn’t arrived? I wonder.

Six days!! You have six days my dear Santa. Please? Please? I’ve been good this year!!

XOXO