him from yesterday

Today, I was tempted to check his profile on Facebook.

How can I check someone’s profile that I so undoubtedly blocked few years back?

“How is he?”, “What is he up to?”, “Where is he at the moment?”

Questions that I am curious about.

It’s been years since we last communicated. It’s been years since I detached myself from him completely.

I can still remember the day, I received a call from a friend telling me about him.

And as always, I tried so hard to sound disinterested while my chest was pounding so heavily.

There were so many stories about him but I seem to forgot everything the moment I heard about him having a girlfriend. The familiar pang of pain consumed me.

My young heart scattered into pieces and Every time I check his profile, I’d feel nervous. I feel like the pieces gets pounded into the minutest.. The more I see him, the more uneasy I become. I can’t live with that so I have made a huge decision that day, that is, to erase him out of my life completely.

With that decision comes the truth of finding my way back in, of practicing seven hundred times over how to react with a mere mention of his name in front of our friends, of getting interested to some other guys, of getting myself look cool even with a broken heart and best of all, of wishing him good luck on his LOVE life.

Days came by so quickly. I was fast to becoming “busier” every time he texts and “unavailable” every time he chats. I was bored at the thought of maintaining friendship with a bitter gut. I just couldn’t do it. Or more like, I grew depressed and hopeless of the supposed plot of OUR story. The “OUR” story that I am now convinced, I just fabricated by virtue of mere imagination and some hallucination.

Perhaps he grew tired of reaching out to me as well that I get messages from him less and less. Or maybe, he got busy with his new found love until we ended up with not communicating at all. I can see his feeds and one day I just hit block. I knew I could never undo so I just kept it like that.

Years have passed and I can still remember him. He may not be the tall and lanky guy with a boyish grin that I intensely adored and have now become manly and strong. But I am quite sure of how happy he is now as he embarked in his new journey through life.

We still aren’t friends in Facebook but I still hear about him from friends.

Perhaps time heals all wounds, I do not need to fake my reactions now. I am genuinely happy for what he has become. I do not cringe at the possibility of talking about him either but I have never spoken to him from eight years ago.

While I wanted to say “hello”  and ask him about what and how he’s been up to, I just couldn’t bring myself in to send him a message. So today, I’ll hold back. In another time, maybe I’ll have the courage. For the meantime, I hope he’s doing well, I hope his happiness will have no end and as for me,  I’ll always be his silent supporter.

Precious

“WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE?”

And I began to read the article I found in one forum.

Millennials asking themselves this question can be a bit of a burden.

I, for one asked myself this particular question every now and then.

The thing is, we can never be ready about certain aspects in our lives, no matter how we plan it.

Most of the biggest events in life is somewhat relative to pure chance, pure coincidence and the end result of the choices that we so randomly make.

When I was younger, I used to think I am smart—smart enough to know what I’m doing and what I’m gonna be doing after University.

I mocked people telling me about  the “REAL WORLD” as I used to hear it so frequently.

I hated the idea that there is a separation of the academic world and the real world.

To me, the world is the same, it requires hard work and integrity.

I just dreamed of a simple life, one that I religiously go to, from 8am to 5pm every day.

I just dreamed of a life where I am with my family in most days off work. I started that life right after college.

I had that path right after college graduation (or even before as I have been offered a job before I actually marched in March.)

I started loving my job and the people that comes along with it. I made friends, I had a wonderful time at work.

But along the way, I got veered to an idea of what I really wanted to achieve.

My thought was “IF and WHEN I stay, I would never have the courage to make changes later in life”

There’s this complacence. There’s this comfort, and it will never let you leave.

I have heard so many remarks from various people, it  all boils down to them calling me a “daredevil” (perhaps, just the polite version of calling me “stupid”)

Why, I have been employed by a big company, I have a regular job, my future is bright if I stick to it.

But Alas, I bid goodbye and just go with my gut. Bahala na.

Did I listen? No. Not because I don’t want to but because I fear I might agree with them.

.

And to me, that “bahala na” decision, is the greatest turning point in my life.

Here I am, five years after my grand Exodus at my first job, in my hometown.

I have lived my life for the past five years, away from my family, away from the comforts of home.

I have made and followed my own rules, pursued what I think was best.

‘I’m having a great time” is an understatement.

But Sometimes, when I think about how temporary life in the overseas is, I can’t help but think about the same question:

After this, what happens? What do I want to do in life?

If I be honest, it brings me to an inner turmoil, one that I so thoroughly avoid.

But avoidance can never get you anywhere, it just let you piles up heaps of unwanted thoughts, making it boil inside you like a plague of lava waiting to erupt. I’ve been there.

Thankfully, I’m better at things these days.

Somehow, I  have made peace with this idea in my mind.

It no longer poses threat of depression or anxiety. It’s just a plain question out of curiosity.

There are so many options to choose from.

It’s just that, our mind shortlists only what is popular, big or loud.

I have come into terms that having a concrete idea about what I want to do, is not for me.

I have learned that there are people who plan and people who don’t. and people who belong to the latter don’t necessarily mean they lacklustre.

People who leap usually don’t have a concrete course of action.

These are people who don’t want to be confined in a pre-determined action.

These are people who are flexible enough to ride the tide.

People who have the actual “balls” to call the shots.

And I belong to it.

I don’t want to set limits for myself.

No matter how temporary this is, I don’t want to see the end point because I always believed that as long as you’re alive, life keeps rolling like a film of endless scenes.

I want to be someone who tests her endurance, someone who goes as far as she can, someone who makes use of what she has to be somebody she’s ever dreamed of. She is Precious, after all. J X

dear heart

What’s worse than being alone is the fact that you can never be with someone.

Not that you don’t want to but because your heart just have a mind of its own.

The thing that scares me most is not being able to experience love in a romantic fashion.

While I always believed in “guard your heart”, I fear that I may never really learn how to “unguard” it.

It is wonderful to fall in love, to gaze at someone with so much joy and believe in him completely.

What’s not to love about falling in love? You lose yourself in harmony with another person.

A guy once told me, I am in love with falling in love instead of falling for the person.

And sadly, I didn’t know what he meant.

I never once defended myself because I know who I was.

I just admitted that if he never understood me in a way deeper than what he thought of me, then that’s it.

There’s nothing there.

I guarded my heart with so much caution.

I promised my heart not to be involved with someone when I don’t mean involving myself COMPLETELY.

I kept my side of the bargain, I STILL DO.

As I look back, all the while that I’ve been keeping tabs with what I want, the barrier became higher and higher until I can no longer see what’s outside. Yes, I guarded my heart with so thick a fortress, no one can climb it.

My heart, I fear that It may never experience what it needs to.

I fear that as time goes by, it may never completely maximize its full potential, its ability to share its fullness and its ability to explore possibilities.

Indeed, my heart is something that is so precious.

And I’m praying that someday it opens itself with no hesitation, fear of rejection or accounts of pain and retribution…

my horrible boss

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make:

“I have tendered my resignation. “

Excuse me as I grew silent and seemingly frozen in a corner of the office.

My mouth wanted to ask so many questions as it is so sudden and unexpected but my mind cannot process my thoughts neatly. I stayed shut.

She then said “ My last day would be 1 month from now.”

The room feel so stuffed all of the sudden. The air is dry and the music that has been playing since morning seemed to be mute. I did not hear anything aside from the word “resign”

I like this boss.

She backed me up a couple of times, listened to me in my faintest voice. Encouraged me, almost in days that I want to give up.

SHE is a FAVOURITE.

All I can remember is her being kind to me. When people spoke Chinese, she would always translate it for me so I can join conversations. Sometimes, I get so immersed with my duties that I forget that there are people around me, and she’d call my name perhaps telling me to “take it slow” as others are just having chitchats.

At times when I make mistakes, she’d consider my reason and even tells me that she’s got it. I don’t have to explain to bits ‘cause I know that she truly got it from there on. Reliable, I say.

When she goes overseas, she’ll message me and ask me if I want her to get anything for me. And usually, I’d say NO. Come Monday, I got a customized passport cover from Bangkok, an essence from Seoul or a tea from Taiwan.  When we go out for lunch, she makes sure to tell me if the food is spicy or not, as I do not eat spicy food.

I truly appreciate these kind gestures as they always compel me to pass it forward.

Knowing her made me crave to be kind, to be considerate and to set aside differences.

I am thankful for her for all those times. It made me feel, I belong, more than ever.

Now she is leaving.

And again, I feel sad, challenged even.

For where can I find a boss as cool and kind as her?

Time can only tell.

Thank you Sherlyn! J

what's not to love about NY?

What if I move in to New York?

And my mind goes overdrive. You see, when you’re someone unattached, you begin to consider random seemingly wild ideas.

“What’s there to lose anyway?” , says my right brain.

“What if?” , agrees the left.

While the two are in agreement, I wanted to check how it goes beyond my two eyes…

So I spent a day observing how the system works, how the people seep through the crowd and emerging later to subways. I spent my day, trying to connect the dots, mentally computing salaries in lieu to expenses. I hung out to places where most people have their usual coffee/cigarette/lunch breaks.

My initial observation made me conclude that Singapore and New York is so alike in so many ways. People always come and go, there’s always this rush and to be able to survive, you need to have the stamina and the energy to go through heights.

One thing that made me love New York is the freedom. The diversity is just too strong yet, there is harmony. I love that people are free to pursue what they like without prejudice or feeling guilty about it.

Honestly though, I was amused to have read various campaigns, from the ads in subway walls about HIV to a catchy 1-800-DIVORCE. In most communities, it is a very sensitive topic. In a more CONSERVATIVE setup, these ads are two-bladed. But seeing it there is like the most natural thing to advertise.

I was shocked to see women in nothing but body paints parading in times square. In the middle of the crowd. In a chilly weather. In encouraging smiles for you to have a pic with them. Just WOW. Who does that?

I love the parks. I feel wonderful just by sitting there and having the time of my life. I’d imagine, on a busy day at work and I need to get my mind off work, I’d go down and breathe in the air of greens. And I’d be ready to strike again.

I love the friendly people of New York. I am amused at random conversations from strangers asking me how I’m doing. 

I know it sounds cheesy but on a day that sucks, wouldn’t it be nice to vent out frustrations, as if you’re venting it out in instalment to various people for you to be emptied and left only with the good vibe? Sometimes, no matter how routinely it may sound, when you buy a latte, and someone asks you something, you begin to stop looking at your phone and be reminded how humans work by sending a smile or having a physical chitchat.

Finally, I love the VIBE. There’s something about New York that inspires you to be better. There’s something about it that makes you proud to be there. 

It’s so casual yet busy. It’s random and noisy and sometimes, intoxicating but you’d feel energized and young.

It seem true to most, and I’m officially in, I love New York.

If given a chance, why not NOT MOVE? :P

empire state of mind

I think I already figured it out.

All the while I was confused what it meant to have “empire state of mind”.

Was it just being in New York and feeling like a true-blue new Yorker? Was it the exhilarating of being on top? Or does it go beyond that?

Walking on the streets of New York, felt like walking on cloud nine. I know it sounds OA for some, but for me, every travel is a dream come true.

New York is a city with far too many colors--- The place, the culture and the people.

I’ve spent days just wandering around (and by wandering, I meant by feet).

I’ve been to random streets and realize that I am just few blocks from Serendipity. (I love that movie anyway)

I have been lost, to the point of desperately searching for a wifi hotspot so I can check MAPS. (and some MAPS take you further from your destination). I have alighted in a wrong station (nevermind, let’s do this).

I have learned that 1 Mile is 1.61 kilometres and not 10,000, by heart. (thanks Auntie for driving)

I originally planned on jogging around Central park (foolish me, it’s 778 acres!) so I gave up the thought and opted to ride a bike instead (which btw is more convenient but less…errr…pocket friendly). I didn’t have a penchant for burgers and fries but lo and behold, I forgot rules when I ordered Shackburger and Coffee fair shake from Shake Shack. I have eaten at least 3 Shackshack meals. (when in fact, I was thinking skipping fastfood and trying out local stuff, ain’t no local until it’shakeshack, so I learned.) I have been to Bryant Park and just loved how relaxing it is to be in a park surrounded by a busy metropolis (honestly, it’s heaven!). I loved people-watching as I bought grapes on my way to the Flatiron bldg. and ate it on a bench across it (in awe of the beauty that surrounds me)

I have rode the ferry to Staten island (it’s free!) and took a photo with Ms. Liberty. (remembered that one pic I saw on FB with liberty on swim suit, but no, she’s as decent as ever) I have watched a broadway for the first time (and not slept while watching! Achievement unlocked!). I have reached the Empire state building and in ordinary days, its light is white (but I felt like it was gold that time, ‘cause I was soooo there!)

Needless to say, I have made so many good memories that I’m sure I’ll treasure forever but one thing that stood out is the fact that I was there with my sister!

As always, I am humbled that someone like me is able to pursue her dreams. I am grateful that I was able to materialize a fantasy with a bonus of being with the closest people in my life.

Empire state of mind is a feeling that you are indispensable. It is the feeling that everything is possible--- that you make your own rules, do your own stuff and shine like you are born to. Dreams, no matter how far, is possible.

Look at mine!

retreat

Stress!

When you aim more control over most aspects in your life, it gives you this palpable feeling of being worn out.

Decisions… how hard can it be? Absolutely difficult.

At this point in time, I will be turning a year older, more pressured than ever to think about my future. Where to go? What to do? Who to be with? At 29, what do I want to achieve in life?

Call it birthday blues, but really, I feel like a balloon suspended in thin air.

Loneliness is creeping through me. Relationships… well, it's good while it lasts.

Friends--- they all come and go.

I feel like a luxurious ship with no direction, and quite frankly it's getting boring.

I crave zest. I crave energy. I crave fullness and inner strength that comes from within,

For the longest time, I've been building myself to be strong and independent but it gets tiring.

To remain standing despite the blows, to dodge a bullet by an inch, to continue fighting-- win or lose… it gets the better of me.

These thoughts adding to my urgent concern of moving out, planning for a scheduled long haul trip, leaving of a friend, growing apart from someone --- all at once, wears down my guards.

Should I just retreat myself?