Wreck

The thing is, the more you think about it, the deeper the cut becomes.

I’m trying to handle my situation as coolly as possible but no rationality can shield me from the fact that this is not a nightmare and that, I’d wake up tomorrow remembering the hurt first thing in the morning. I am deeply affected that I find myself stopping in the middle of my random conversations with friends. I am way too distracted that I become bitter of what I see.

Betrayal is one thing. Lack of remorse is another.

My poor heart.

I've never been too emotional about most aspects of my life as I do not want to live in drama. This is real and my emotions are just as real. I couldn't hide the fact that i am a total wreck and that no matter what i do, what i say, my mood just swings from good to worst in no time. I am not okay. If this is what bipolarity seems like then, i am feeling it nowadays.

I'm trying so hard to control my rage. I want to take revenge, to avenge someone and to let someone pay for making us feel the way we do today.

I'd love to say my piece over and over again, even though i know that no amount of bad words can relieve the anger and pain that I am feeling.

I want to ask so many questions but I know most of these questions do not necessarily get a valid answer. And the more i push for answers, the more disappointed i might become.

Today, I went to mass. I don't know what to pray for anymore. This has rendered me speechless in more ways than i ever imagined. So I just sit there, unable to fully construct what I wanted to ask to God. Instead I looked intently at the crucifix, how Jesus has died for our sins and even if He did, how ungrateful we are to commit more sins.

I found myself tearing up, I quickly wiped my eyes. I cannot cry.

I surrender Lord. Your will be done, i murmured.

Amidst this all, i hope to find the purpose. I trust that there must've been a reason for this sacrifice and to that, i am hopeful.

For how long I’m gonna stay like this? Time can only tell.

It's difficult that I’m bearing this burden alone but it makes it more difficult that I do not have the courage to ask for someone's help because I know they will never understand.

I will be deeply scarred after this, that I am sure. But it also means that i have lived the life. And contrary to what others might think, my life has been the same as everyone, full of phases.
Phases that shape up who I am today.

bottled it up

5:55 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

thank God it’s still a Sunday!

The night has been so long and I’ve had no choice but to pretend I’m sleeping, closing my eyes, counting sheep endlessly, I’ve done it but reality is that my mind is far from it.

Could this be the iced cappuccino decaf? Or could this be just me affected by the drama that has been going on my life for days now?

I sighed to myself.

No matter how many times I deny, at this age, I still can’t fake anxiety or depression.

And worst, I thought I am better at handling things, turns out, I’m blinded and was just good at avoiding it.

These days, I always find myself in long pauses, distant stares and zoning out. I feel that my body is there but my mind is off to somewhere. And believe me when I say that even feeling so down makes me crack up to a painful experience as if it’s a joke. Weird huh?

I guess when you hit a point whereby you’ve no control over and just take no matter what life gives you, you’ll be deeply overwhelmed by it. You develop a certain numbness.

I’m speaking from a point where drama has not been my cup of tea.

I talked to a friend last night and she told me that being brave is accepting that you are weak sometimes.

I agreed.

For the most part, we are challenged just so we know how long can we stand. We are tested just so we know how far we can go.

6:20 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

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I bottled in my thoughts and I wish I can say more.

rarely

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Anger is so intense an emotion that I so thoroughly avoid.

One, it’s not good for my heart, two, it’s unhealthy for my skin and lastly, it’s a mouse trap.

You get angry for what?

I was brought up happy. I had good memories more than the bad. I am blessed.

I keep a positive attitude towards life, I keep cool no matter what season I am in.

But the more I age, the more challenges I am faced with.

Challenges that keep me from maintaining my cool, challenges that provoke the dragon in me.

I RARELY get angry. I don’t mind irregularities much or make an issue out of small ones.

I let go. I let time decide. I go on with life.

But don’t get me wrong, I never said I am a Saint. When I get angry, I tend to go all out.

My mind is so powerful, I can conjure horrible ideas. It scares me. It surprises me in ways I never would have imagined.

Recently, I got a run-in with a past issue that involves a turning point in my life. (I’m not going to be so specific as it still hurts me.) I went ballistic. I wanted to go all out with that damn war. Forget my name, my education, everything that I strive to be… it’s all about making a person pay for hurting someone who means so much to me and more.

I was ready to take the blows but was more than ready to make the hits!

My mind just closed up to the fact that I always take the blow without throwing some and it angers me. Why would I allow people to step on me over and over again when I can do something about it?

Why would I put myself defenceless every freaking time? Why can’t I for once bring the battle on and fight it eye to eye?

When you try so hard to be the best version of yourself, it brings you to a limbo, a limbo whereby you doubt if you’re capable of defending yourself or if you’re ready to take the fall as long as you throw some deep punches as well.

I grew frustrated in knowing that even at this day and age, technology still  got its limits and that involves not being able to be used the way you want it to, offensively.

To be honest, I am still boiling at the moment but someone important to me told me to let it go.

I told her, I will definitely try my best but I cannot promise. I’ll try.

I RARELY get angry, but when I do, everything never makes sense.

It’s not as if I wanted it to be like this but I can’t bring myself down to that level of calmness. Not yet. Not sooner.                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Especially if it is a repeat offender. My tolerance level can be extended for a long time.

I can be uber patient but sure, it’s got its limits and yes, I’ve reached that limit already.

I RARELY get angry but it lasts. I RARELY get angry but I take account.

Again, it’s not as if I designed it to be but I just can’t fake myself to be okay when clearly, I am lying to myself.

I RARELY get angry but this RARITY is what makes it more difficult.

Forgiveness is a long way…

him from yesterday

Today, I was tempted to check his profile on Facebook.

How can I check someone’s profile that I so undoubtedly blocked few years back?

“How is he?”, “What is he up to?”, “Where is he at the moment?”

Questions that I am curious about.

It’s been years since we last communicated. It’s been years since I detached myself from him completely.

I can still remember the day, I received a call from a friend telling me about him.

And as always, I tried so hard to sound disinterested while my chest was pounding so heavily.

There were so many stories about him but I seem to forgot everything the moment I heard about him having a girlfriend. The familiar pang of pain consumed me.

My young heart scattered into pieces and Every time I check his profile, I’d feel nervous. I feel like the pieces gets pounded into the minutest.. The more I see him, the more uneasy I become. I can’t live with that so I have made a huge decision that day, that is, to erase him out of my life completely.

With that decision comes the truth of finding my way back in, of practicing seven hundred times over how to react with a mere mention of his name in front of our friends, of getting interested to some other guys, of getting myself look cool even with a broken heart and best of all, of wishing him good luck on his LOVE life.

Days came by so quickly. I was fast to becoming “busier” every time he texts and “unavailable” every time he chats. I was bored at the thought of maintaining friendship with a bitter gut. I just couldn’t do it. Or more like, I grew depressed and hopeless of the supposed plot of OUR story. The “OUR” story that I am now convinced, I just fabricated by virtue of mere imagination and some hallucination.

Perhaps he grew tired of reaching out to me as well that I get messages from him less and less. Or maybe, he got busy with his new found love until we ended up with not communicating at all. I can see his feeds and one day I just hit block. I knew I could never undo so I just kept it like that.

Years have passed and I can still remember him. He may not be the tall and lanky guy with a boyish grin that I intensely adored and have now become manly and strong. But I am quite sure of how happy he is now as he embarked in his new journey through life.

We still aren’t friends in Facebook but I still hear about him from friends.

Perhaps time heals all wounds, I do not need to fake my reactions now. I am genuinely happy for what he has become. I do not cringe at the possibility of talking about him either but I have never spoken to him from eight years ago.

While I wanted to say “hello”  and ask him about what and how he’s been up to, I just couldn’t bring myself in to send him a message. So today, I’ll hold back. In another time, maybe I’ll have the courage. For the meantime, I hope he’s doing well, I hope his happiness will have no end and as for me,  I’ll always be his silent supporter.

Precious

“WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE?”

And I began to read the article I found in one forum.

Millennials asking themselves this question can be a bit of a burden.

I, for one asked myself this particular question every now and then.

The thing is, we can never be ready about certain aspects in our lives, no matter how we plan it.

Most of the biggest events in life is somewhat relative to pure chance, pure coincidence and the end result of the choices that we so randomly make.

When I was younger, I used to think I am smart—smart enough to know what I’m doing and what I’m gonna be doing after University.

I mocked people telling me about  the “REAL WORLD” as I used to hear it so frequently.

I hated the idea that there is a separation of the academic world and the real world.

To me, the world is the same, it requires hard work and integrity.

I just dreamed of a simple life, one that I religiously go to, from 8am to 5pm every day.

I just dreamed of a life where I am with my family in most days off work. I started that life right after college.

I had that path right after college graduation (or even before as I have been offered a job before I actually marched in March.)

I started loving my job and the people that comes along with it. I made friends, I had a wonderful time at work.

But along the way, I got veered to an idea of what I really wanted to achieve.

My thought was “IF and WHEN I stay, I would never have the courage to make changes later in life”

There’s this complacence. There’s this comfort, and it will never let you leave.

I have heard so many remarks from various people, it  all boils down to them calling me a “daredevil” (perhaps, just the polite version of calling me “stupid”)

Why, I have been employed by a big company, I have a regular job, my future is bright if I stick to it.

But Alas, I bid goodbye and just go with my gut. Bahala na.

Did I listen? No. Not because I don’t want to but because I fear I might agree with them.

.

And to me, that “bahala na” decision, is the greatest turning point in my life.

Here I am, five years after my grand Exodus at my first job, in my hometown.

I have lived my life for the past five years, away from my family, away from the comforts of home.

I have made and followed my own rules, pursued what I think was best.

‘I’m having a great time” is an understatement.

But Sometimes, when I think about how temporary life in the overseas is, I can’t help but think about the same question:

After this, what happens? What do I want to do in life?

If I be honest, it brings me to an inner turmoil, one that I so thoroughly avoid.

But avoidance can never get you anywhere, it just let you piles up heaps of unwanted thoughts, making it boil inside you like a plague of lava waiting to erupt. I’ve been there.

Thankfully, I’m better at things these days.

Somehow, I  have made peace with this idea in my mind.

It no longer poses threat of depression or anxiety. It’s just a plain question out of curiosity.

There are so many options to choose from.

It’s just that, our mind shortlists only what is popular, big or loud.

I have come into terms that having a concrete idea about what I want to do, is not for me.

I have learned that there are people who plan and people who don’t. and people who belong to the latter don’t necessarily mean they lacklustre.

People who leap usually don’t have a concrete course of action.

These are people who don’t want to be confined in a pre-determined action.

These are people who are flexible enough to ride the tide.

People who have the actual “balls” to call the shots.

And I belong to it.

I don’t want to set limits for myself.

No matter how temporary this is, I don’t want to see the end point because I always believed that as long as you’re alive, life keeps rolling like a film of endless scenes.

I want to be someone who tests her endurance, someone who goes as far as she can, someone who makes use of what she has to be somebody she’s ever dreamed of. She is Precious, after all. J X

dear heart

What’s worse than being alone is the fact that you can never be with someone.

Not that you don’t want to but because your heart just have a mind of its own.

The thing that scares me most is not being able to experience love in a romantic fashion.

While I always believed in “guard your heart”, I fear that I may never really learn how to “unguard” it.

It is wonderful to fall in love, to gaze at someone with so much joy and believe in him completely.

What’s not to love about falling in love? You lose yourself in harmony with another person.

A guy once told me, I am in love with falling in love instead of falling for the person.

And sadly, I didn’t know what he meant.

I never once defended myself because I know who I was.

I just admitted that if he never understood me in a way deeper than what he thought of me, then that’s it.

There’s nothing there.

I guarded my heart with so much caution.

I promised my heart not to be involved with someone when I don’t mean involving myself COMPLETELY.

I kept my side of the bargain, I STILL DO.

As I look back, all the while that I’ve been keeping tabs with what I want, the barrier became higher and higher until I can no longer see what’s outside. Yes, I guarded my heart with so thick a fortress, no one can climb it.

My heart, I fear that It may never experience what it needs to.

I fear that as time goes by, it may never completely maximize its full potential, its ability to share its fullness and its ability to explore possibilities.

Indeed, my heart is something that is so precious.

And I’m praying that someday it opens itself with no hesitation, fear of rejection or accounts of pain and retribution…

my horrible boss

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make:

“I have tendered my resignation. “

Excuse me as I grew silent and seemingly frozen in a corner of the office.

My mouth wanted to ask so many questions as it is so sudden and unexpected but my mind cannot process my thoughts neatly. I stayed shut.

She then said “ My last day would be 1 month from now.”

The room feel so stuffed all of the sudden. The air is dry and the music that has been playing since morning seemed to be mute. I did not hear anything aside from the word “resign”

I like this boss.

She backed me up a couple of times, listened to me in my faintest voice. Encouraged me, almost in days that I want to give up.

SHE is a FAVOURITE.

All I can remember is her being kind to me. When people spoke Chinese, she would always translate it for me so I can join conversations. Sometimes, I get so immersed with my duties that I forget that there are people around me, and she’d call my name perhaps telling me to “take it slow” as others are just having chitchats.

At times when I make mistakes, she’d consider my reason and even tells me that she’s got it. I don’t have to explain to bits ‘cause I know that she truly got it from there on. Reliable, I say.

When she goes overseas, she’ll message me and ask me if I want her to get anything for me. And usually, I’d say NO. Come Monday, I got a customized passport cover from Bangkok, an essence from Seoul or a tea from Taiwan.  When we go out for lunch, she makes sure to tell me if the food is spicy or not, as I do not eat spicy food.

I truly appreciate these kind gestures as they always compel me to pass it forward.

Knowing her made me crave to be kind, to be considerate and to set aside differences.

I am thankful for her for all those times. It made me feel, I belong, more than ever.

Now she is leaving.

And again, I feel sad, challenged even.

For where can I find a boss as cool and kind as her?

Time can only tell.

Thank you Sherlyn! J