Pensieve

Dear Draco Malfoy,

Whenever I think of you, I really hoped that you think of me too.

There were times when I still cannot believe that we are all growups now, like I still cannot believe that Harry and Ginny ended up together.

I wished I had Dumbledore’s pensieve and that I can see the memories as a third person.

Why?

Because I wanted to see how you reacted when I was dying of giddiness for you.

I wanted to see if it was just me or if it was indeed mutual. Loose ends.

I just don’t understand why you keep visiting me in my dreams when I became so strict with myself not to see you again.

It is commendable how I tried to forget you, cutting all the means of communication, turning deaf to

Every info I can possibly hear pertaining to you.

I mean, I don’t get it. Why can’t you just vanish?

Why do I have moments that I think of you. This is foolish. Unacceptable.

I wish to not see you again ever, in person and in my dreams.

Do me a favour, do not EVER cross my mind! T­_T

twenty seventeen

Last day of work for 2017 happens today!

Yay!!!

2017 has been blissful and worth remembering.

I opened it with a heart that was pained but gradually, the anger has been taken over by pure love of family.

2017 has enabled me to spend more time with people who matter.

I refused to be associated with “negaminds” and just focus with positivity.

I am grateful that I have been given a chance to enjoy Europe.

It has been a dream and kicking it off from the bucket feels so good.

I’d love to come back though :P

I am thankful to people who stood by me and stood up for me.

I am greatly indebted to the kindness that has been showered upon me and I look forward to paying it forward.

Although some dreams hasn’t been granted in 2017 yet, I still dream earnestly and pray harder that 2018 will be the year for it.

Thank you 2017, you were awesome!!

With love,

late bloomer

I have always known that I am a late bloomer.

I’m probably the last girl in class to learn a dance step and master it after all have rested.

I’m probably the last one who appreciates Star wars now that it’s on its Nth episode.

(I seriously don’t know who Luke sky walker was and his contribution to the world that they’re living in.)

I’m probably the last one who enjoyed carbonara just because I was loyal with red sauce pasta.

And yes, I’m probably the last girl who falls in love…

Believe me when I say that I have never ever cried out from a heartbreak.

And I never have truly fallen in love either.

Someone asked me why I never had a relationship and tell you what, I have never fathomed the answer to it before. Not until recently…

I realized that ever since, my goals were always centred to myself. It’s more about pursuing my dreams and chasing opportunities.

I’ve had romantic experiences but none really succeeded because I thought, they’re in for nothing but a fling. When someone told me he liked me, I told him, I liked him back. But when he demanded that I stayed… I thought, why?

My priorities were focused on what I want to achieve. It was targeted towards me being successful and seeing the world. It was never about being with someone and committing myself to him in exchange for my being free-spirited.

I valued my freedom that in no qualms, I leaped even if it means leaving.

At 30, it seems clearer that I wanted to climb to the next level.

I am a late bloomer when it comes to love. And quite honestly, I am still in confusion whether I believe if love lasts completely or if it is inversely proportional with time. (I have my reasons.)

Someone told me I am hard to please but easy to love.

Well, I guess so. I am a late bloomer when it comes to expressing my emotions because chances are, my mind gets in the way and when my mind sets itself to something like leaving, I do it, without looking back.

I am a late bloomer but I believe blooming is all about timing.

HK and what it represents

All those prayers about winning the HK DISNEYLAND PRIZE in a raffle at CENTRAL WAREHOUSE CLUB when I was 9 come to me like a thunderbolt.  

WHEN I THINK OF HONGKONG…

 

I get this familiar tinge of excitement.

I feel the giddiness that envelops me when my sister screamed, “we’re booked!”

I was 21 then. It was my first overseas trip.

It was a trip that I financed fully after being employed right after graduation.

Yes, it was a reward to self, you see.

I can vividly remember that night when we spent some time trying to access CEBU PACIFIC AIR website, as they offered a PESO SALE. We tried several times before being confirmed and it was the sweetest, most glorifying moment ever!

I mean, I used to hear it when artistas say “oh, nagkita kami sa hong kong” or when a classmate says “yes, sa HK Disneyland kami mag ki-Christmas”. Wow! I mean, how I wish I have the power to do that too.

Arriving in HONGKONG was every bit of a dream come true.

Those pictures give justice to the bright neon signs scattered all over downtown Hongkong.

The movies intricately described Hong Kong, the way it actually is.

And hey, DISNEYLAND? My childhood dream at 9?

I just couldn’t contain my disbelief that I was able to actually step into the bricked floors of Disneyland, meet Mickey and Minnie and had a grand time riding all that I can inside the theme park and yes, I literally cried while watching the DISNEYLAND fireworks. Haha

To this day, whenever I think of HONGKONG, I still feel a bit sentimental.

I am in awe at the thought that my childhood dream had come true and so much more came after it.

It was that very thought that made me realize how possible it is to achieve goals. I’ve always thought that my dreams were so much bigger than who I actually was.

I wasn’t born rich, My family never really had the luxury to travel when I was young because NEEDS do come first—ALWAYS. And traveling involves EXTRA money after the NEEDS. Raffle contests were my only possible means, then. Haha  
BUT understanding what we are JUST capable of, gives me the acceptance of the status we’re currently at and it was okay, but at the same time, at the back of my mind, I yearn to see more… in my own fabulous time.

Who would’ve thought that seeing HONG KONG became instrumental to all my travels that came after.

The thought occurred to me as though,  because I have travelled to HONG KONG, all the other places wouldn’t be that hard anymore.

Visiting HONG KONG was the gateway for me not to rush into responsibilities like having a kid or being married because admit it, it will be harder to get away when you have someone to look after to.

 

When I travel to HONG KONG these days, I still feel ecstasy.

I love Hong Kong and what it represents to my life.

Although, I never really won the raffle at 9 and I grew disappointed from joining all the raffle contests that came after… Life has a funny way of surprising you. I just asked for a trip to HK Disneyland and I won the raffle to trips of a few more! Dreams do come true! J

confessions of a semi-insomniac

1131pm

He’s very nocturnal, I see. But I know I’m gonna regret the next morning.

I bid him good bye as I need to sleep.

He replied four consecutive messages, I wanted to ignore and just reply the next morning, but I’m too curious what he wanted to say. I read, he said, goodnight and sweet dreams and two other texts basically mean the same thing.

I couldn’t resist to reply, sweet dreams as well.

He messaged again, I managed to ignore.

I’ll read the next morning, alright?

1145pm

My heart is beating so fast.

I shut my eyes tight but I can’t seem to shut my mind.

For some reason, something is bothering me.

I went to pee.

12am

I began to hate myself.

I should’ve tried sleeping at 1030pm to make some leeway.

My roommate is still busy with her phone and the movements, even the slightest noise and vibration, I can feel it.

I grew sensitive to movements as I loathe my mind from thinking too much.

1210am

I counted sheeps. I am tempted to get my phone and just play with it.

But no. I remembered cell regeneration will commence in the same hr as I slept.

I am pressured to sleep soon. I counted sheep, focused on blackness of sight and tried to empty my mind…

All to no avail.

1220am

This is really getting worst. I hated myself, my mind, my roommate, the tea that I drank after dinner, the loud heartbeat that doubles in decibels as I try to close my eyes. I hated the fact that my aircon is noisy and the bed is too soft and the spring behind it is rather weak. I hated my pillow which does not support my neck in its convenience. I hated my quilt because it does not give me proper warmth at all.

I hated everything that night until I couldn’t hate anything anymore.

1230am

All went dark and my breath was steady.

In the darkness, I lay there in oblivion, transported to a world where fantasy became my reality.

OH SLEEP, why are you so elusive when I needed you most?

overkill

I am writing this on a HAPPY NOTE.

I have noticed that when I speak out about my thoughts, it leans back to a negative connotation.

Maybe because, most of my thoughts concern so much about how I feel.

The more I think and talk about how I feel, the worse it becomes so I made an experiment.

I have to.

I vowed not to think about how I feel and try to overanalyse things as if my problems look like a frog to be dissected.

And quite honestly, this approach works for me.

How to do it?

1)      Things/ people/ situations that provoke you into thinking or even comparing yourself to it,

A-V-O-I-D. Get away from it.

Take for example, stalking at your ex’s profile or simply trying to be nosy about your friend’s love life. Quit it. Focus your mind to a reality that completely belongs to you--- YOUR OWN LIFE.

2)      Explore your skills/ passion.

If you like making origamis or replanting your own succulents, go ahead. Be busy about what you are interested in. Occupy your time and brain on innovating what your hands can do. Not only does it make your brain work, it makes your heart happy.

3)      Just stop thinking. Will you?

This is the most important thing, ever.

When you feel like you are nearing towards being concerned about something, don’t fall into the trap. Veer yourself away from all the thoughts that consume you.

For example, when you worry about your parents’ health, chances are, you worry about your finances, then your career, then your future in general. It’s a vicious cycle.

So don’t try treading the dangerous path and JUST breathe. Relax.

Control your mind to think only about the positive.

The problem with most of us is that we think too much and be sickeningly worried about something that has never occurred YET. Our thoughts are too much to handle that only lead us to be helpless and hopeless. Learn the art of nonchalance. To feel relax even in the most difficult situation ‘cause we all know that what kills us is not drowning itself, it’s panic at the first sign of difficulty.

Know that the world is huge and definitely, everything happens for a Reason.

Have faith and remain closer to your Creator. You are made and everything He made has a purpose.

While it’s true to be okay not to be okay, MIND OVER MATTER is also true to everyone.

Peace, love and explore! J

climb again

“We appreciate you taking time to submit your application, however, we regret to inform you that…”

I know how this letter ends and truth be told, I was kinda expecting this rejection again.

I was just bold enough to try again and maybe, a miracle will come forth to me, who knows?

Weirdly enough, I feel the calmness of my inner spirit.

As I do not have to wait anxiously for the result anymore and that, there will be no more what ifs.

I have gone through this before, and as much as I would like to succeed, it just isn’t for me… JUST YET.

In my life, I have face many rejections and have witnessed so many doors closing in front of my face.

I have gone through hardships and tough times that left me in the dark for a period of time.

But guess what? Amidst it all, I am grateful.

I am grateful to have experienced bumps along the way ‘cause I know now how to appreciate plains. And most importantly, I  am thankful enough that among the many, it was  I who were given the chance.

I always say this, “GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BRAVE IT ALL.”

And I know this by heart.

Before I folded the letter, it says “however, you may submit your application again in the future”.

I closed the letter with a bittersweet smile that escaped my lips.

Ahhh! Sometimes, you just have to know when to stop and rather than climbing the same mountain all over again, why not try another even if it makes you start again?