doublelife

I have been living a double life.

When I started working Papa told me one employee advice he knows for working perhaps, almost all his life… “Be professional. Stay professional.”

He told me that to be able to do that, personal life should be separated.

I wonder what it meant.

When I started working… I knew what he meant by the separation of those 2 aspects.

At work, I am serious, rational, and a bit more of a factory worker who follows exactly what needs to be done.

There are times when I wanted to be more opinionated and voice out my creative ideas but I’m afraid I’d get the boot if it doesn’t work out. I live by the rules in order to be SAFE.

At work, as much as I’d like to show them my goofy, nonchalant and chill side… I don’t think it’s appropriate because chances are, they might not take me seriously when I say something critical.

As much as I’d like my workmates to be closer to me, close friends even, I find it discomforting.

A workplace is a workplace and with work, more issues are prone to arise.

I am friendly but not too friendly to open up my soul.

I especially dislike going overtime because it diminishes my time as being the relaxed ME.

I am living the double life because I have life after work.

When the clock hits going home time, I transform into someone much relaxed and carefree.

I am a professional and my work ethics is solid. I want to play by the rules not because I hate responsibility but because I am just a staff who needs guidance. Without it, a company couldn’t be called a company.

brouhaha

“Am I wrong? Is it bad?”, Mama asked.

There goes her question pertaining to a friend’s son being introduced to me.

Hahaha.

I thought I just see it in KDRAMAS?

I used to love reading and even watching arranged marriages or arranged romance set up by elders that it has become quite a fantasy to me. I never knew there’s this chance of me being attempted to get one for myself.

I find it funny and refreshing at the same time.

To be honest, I am completely surprised that this idea came from my parents’ mouths.

My parents?! Seriously?

I have a couple of things that I am curious about though.

1)      Do they feel I won’t marry at all?

2)      Do they think I won’t get someone to love if I choose it myself?

3)      Are they that worried about me?

4)      Are they expecting BIG about this supposed introduction?

Never in a million years would I think of being arranged to someone but when they asked me…

I laughed so hard in disbelief.

Aren’t we in the 21^st century?

Either way, I am not sixteen anymore and there’s some excitement to that setup.

I am not saying I am all for it but I am not closing doors.

I’m thinking… this isn’t the right time to make a big brouhaha about it anymore.

I even told my sis that it’s just like shoe shopping, you don’t actually need to buy the first one that fits… you go around and check first which one suits you best.

So me, introduced to a family friend’s son?

No problem! J

unsure

My heart ….

What’s with you?

I waited for this moment to arrive but why do I feel indifferent?

Gone was the idea of being excited, refreshed, warm and liberating…

Here comes feeling the need to please, to not disappoint, to carry on despite feeling unsure.

Does it mean that I’m feeling pressured?

Because I have been open about it and people just expect me to take it?

And their expectation is putting me on the spot?

I don’t know.

I’m so confused.

There are days when I feel like I need to shut off everything and just be in tune to my own music.

And someone caring for me, letting me know he’s there… sending me messages and even calling me… feels like a responsibility that I need to respond.

I don’t know.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this.

I’m not sure whether I need to carry on entertaining him.

I don’t even dare open up to my closest circle ‘cause it adds more pressure.

I am so unsure. I don’t want them to think how indecisive I am in this aspect.

The rebel in me wants to escape.

To buzz out for a while ‘cause I’m losing my balance.

dreaming with a wooden spoon

In this world, there are only two kinds of people, those who have dreams and those who are nonchalant.

The first category is where I belong.

My dreams may sound idealistic to some, impossible even, but to me, I live for that small ray of hope that someday, my dreams will come true.

I would want someone who would support my dreams and not question it.

I would want someone who will be there to hold my hand in my process of achieving it instead of someone who tells me to stop wasting my time chasing it.

I would want someone who dreams same or different dreams rather than someone who is calloused and bitter about life.

I get that dreams are dreams for a reason and it would be nice to continue living because aside from the daily routine, you have this bigger picture of what you want your life to be. It is not to say that you are blinded by a false interpretation about life, but you aim to do more within the given time frame you walk in around this world.

I used to think that my circumstances won’t get me far as compared to those born with a silver spoon, but the more I dream, the more I feel that my dreams are within my reach. No matter how small or big those dreams are, they mean the same, they’re up to be aimed.

I like to believe that even if society seems to categorize you as this or that, there is always a variable and this variable is one that makes it worth living. 

break in

620am

i was deep in sleep when I heard someone telling me, “ter, are you okay?”

I didn’t realize I was screaming while asleep. But I knew I was screaming in my dream.

I dreamt about a neighbour trying to break in our house. A neighbour which we knew since birth.

He’s someone with a list of bad things. In my dream, I saw him hammering his way to break a glass window in the toilet.

In my dream, we were in the living room when I heard the knocking sound so I went to check where the noise is coming from and found myself in the the toilet and to my horror, I saw someone trying to smash in. I saw his face and the evil grin somewhat taunting me, “what can you do? I’m gonna get you!”. I was shocked, shaken and I screamed! I wanted to get my parents’ attention so they can run to find out what’s happening with me in the toilet.

9am

I am now sitting in the office and somewhat having chest pains. I guess my dream extends in my reality. It’s like having to feel the pain although the cause is something from another dimension.

What the hell?!

And what could this dream mean?

I looked it up and it says something about:

 If you dream that someone broke into your house, you have a sense of being violated. Your personal boundaries have been crossed by someone.

(source: http://www.dreamforth.com/search.php?query=someone-breaking-in-to-my-apartment&type=dreams&page=1)

To dream that someone is trying to break into your house indicates that some subconscious material is attempting to make itself known. ... Alternatively, the dreammay be about a current relationship or situation that is making you uncomfortable. You feel that you are losing your own identity or space.

(source: http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=breaking)

To dream that your house is broken into, suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied. 

(source: https://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080214140354AA710sG)

I honestly don’t know what it means. But for what it’s worth, it’s rooting from fear.

Geez! Guess I’m thinking too much again. :P

friendship hassles

Then I asked myself, Am I overreacting?

Am I being oversensitive?

Am I clingy?

Am I anything that I do not want in a friend?

I have been rocking the same boat for a while and quite literally, I am sooooo nauumay na about it.

I feel as though I am putting myself in the same pit over and over again, can I move on?

While I can run a few reasons why I hate myself from being too involved, I can also pinpoint a number of reasons why I need to know.

I am open and honest and I expect the same. Sadly, I can’t force someone to do it just because it’s not her genetic makeup. I want to laugh at this stupid dilemma that I am in.

But this made me lose sleep a couple of times.

I asked a dear friend for an advice and she said, it’s better if I leave it as that.

I think so too. But I die a little every time I miss out something.

I am skeptical whether I need to trust this person.

But you see, we’ve been friends for so long, and there were good more than the bad times.

Honestly, I’d like to ask if there’s any problem but I don’t want to come off nosey?

She’s defensive, I get it. whatever is going on, I don’t have any clue about it… and we call ourselves, close friends huh?

I guess this is a necessary process for growth. How do I handle human relationships?

How do I handle quite as common as friendships?

You are You, labli and you can’t change that. They are them and you can’t change that either.

Fighting!!

me time me

There would be days like this…

When all I want is to have an alone time.

Being in a crowd or in constant company with someone, sometimes makes me feel as though I am losing touch on myself.

I keep pride on being steady but sometimes there are days when I just want to hide and take my precious sweet time, by myself.

It’s not because I am feeling down or sad or anything dark but it’s a beautiful thing to be in tune with yourself. Having no one to influence your opinion, having no one to listen to, having no one to mind or take care of, having no one to interact --- but yourself, is something that I once in a while need in my life.

I am so used with myself that I miss ME in days when I feel like I’m spending too much time with others.

There are days when I feel as though I’m losing my individuality just because I became too close with someone else. There are days when I feel suffocated just because my judgment is clouded by the people’s opinion on a certain predicament. There are days when I feel as though people around me know so much about my business more than I do and I lose interest in that.  To me, I need to be in a situation wherein i follow my own pace. Because I know that I am steady and that I’ll come around  even after I drift apart, for a while.

They call it an ARIES thing but I call it a personal preference.

I miss ME. I miss who I am without anyone else.

I miss my time alone, my time to observe, to think, to read, to sleep, to eat by myself, to be ME without pretensions. I am my best company =)