Snakey

People are not what they seem.

Sadly, it’s a reality that we must deal with, no matter how painful this can get.

My sister always tells me that I am a black-and-white type of person.  I am resolute in thinking just about the two ends. There was no gray area. I used to be so conflicted with the idea of a gray area. What does that mean? Well, she said, I see the world with firmness. I see the world with only two opposing sides, black or white, good, or evil, etc. I have not considered the gradient, the in-betweens, the undefined.

Growing up, I expressed strong opinions, chose between two sides, and settled with one or either side and for that, I got into multiple petty trouble. For the longest time, I have struggled to come to terms with seeing more than I could possibly see, choosing from different spectrums, and possibly settling with the unimaginable. I figured I needed an intervention. And boy, did an intervention come cheap? It did not.

I met with different people and shared various stories. I read numerous articles and tried to learn as much as I could about the world from different perspectives. In a grand display of this desire to learn more, I moved to another country. I lived, worked, and traveled some more. It is in these expeditions that I discovered so much about the world, the people living in it, and especially about myself.

I learned that the gray area comes when people’s words do not match their actions. I learned that even though I am genuine, not everyone shares the same fondness. Some people’s survival strategies involve being sneaky. Nice to your front, terrible to your back. Behind your back, they create stories, opinions, and speculations about you. At first, you laugh because it’s a laughable idea designed to blow your mind. You laugh because you never thought, any sane person would believe them. But the joke’s on you because not everyone is as smart as you are. They believe what is in plain sight. That’s convenient!

People’s opinions can sway your thoughts about yourself. Sure, it makes you doubt who you are and what you can do, but if you see through what’s within, you will realize that opinions, no matter where you are will always follow you. And that’s where they exactly belong, behind you because your goals should be what’s in front of you. In the same regard, people’s opinions can sway how you think about someone else. But I try to give that person the benefit of the doubt. I give that person a chance to prove herself/himself wrong because people’s opinions shouldn’t necessarily be the measure of his/her own humanity.

Situations may instigate different reactions. People whom you regard as comrades, someone you root for because you started together will turn out to be an enemy. Some of your people will be quick to judge, to drop you at their most convenient time. While you act with loyalty, some of them will turn you in for greater profit and personal gain. It will hurt you but know that the problem lies in them, not with you. You can’t do anything about them. You pat yourself; you deserved better.

Feelings go from Yes to absolutely No. Because our minds are wired to think about something in a gazillion ways, sometimes, our feelings get interconnected with it. There’s such a thing as “I don’t hate – HATE you.” From my previous self’s perspective, I’d go nuts, “What is he saying?” But now, I go, “I don’t – DON’T UNDERSTAND” you.  Okay, so you hate me to what extent?” I learned about degrees, clarification, and sublimation before abomination.

You help people who accept help. If a person refuses them, then scoot on. As much as you would like to offer aid to the fullest of your ability, you cannot walk the ends of the Earth for them. You cannot carry all their loads for them. You cannot live their lives for them. You help as much as they allow you to. You should not make them feel invalid.

The most important ally is yourself. What you feed to your soul should be a nourishment, not its cause of decay. Sure, you can have lovers, family, and friends but above everything else, it’s always yourself. You are your priority because you cannot provide aid for others if you also need a rescue. You cannot make someone complete if you feel depleted. You cannot give what you do not have. End of story.

It took me a long time to process where the gray areas lie. It’s an endless process of experiencing it as it comes but I understood what my sister meant. It made me think big. It made me allow room for mistakes. It made me seek less perfection. It helped me understand where I stand and what to expect. And trust me, I went back and forth with my trust issues. It’s still a battle half-won.

But even though I went through them and compartmentalized them, once in a while, I still get disappointed over humanity’s indecisiveness. It’s people’s nature to trust and get betrayed. It’s a vicious cycle. But I always remind myself, I am only responsible for my actions. I may act in complete regard but then again, it’s a lost cause if it’s a “them” over a “me” issue. 

hitting the brakes

I decided to make a big purchase.

There was someone who wanted to see the car today, but the seller suggested that we could meet last night, and I agreed. I met with the seller and the first thing that he did was to open the hood. That thing was funny, when I saw it, I just thought it was dirty and lacking any colors.

He expected me to check the engine, and pull up the dipstick to check the oils, perhaps? But before now I had no idea what a dipstick was. So, all I did was look at it on the surface. Never touched anything. Then I did a test drive. The car’s dashboard was too wide. I had to slow down and gauge whether I can fit into double parked cars in our street. Then I told the seller that I can hear a noise, but he said, we should try it on the highway. He drove. I can’t hear anything.

The seller might have thought I know about cars because prior to the meeting, I asked him several questions. I just asked him the things I remember from reading on the internet like the VIN and Carfax. Then he said, I do not have the Carfax. I told him that was okay. I might have been willing to shed out $ for it if it was the only way to check if the car is working. Then hours later he said, “I just paid $70, here is the Carfax” However, I have no idea what to check in this document. But I am surprised at his responsiveness. He complied with all my demands without qualms about it. I could say I am a little bit impressed. 

While on the drive, we talked about his job. His Hollywood moment. He was in Planet of the Apes. Believe me, I am unbelievably ignorant about films and movies and if there was one question about it in “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” as a contestant, that might have been the reason for my failure. Anyway, I just pretended I knew what Planet of the Apes was all about although I have no idea. LOL.

After that, I was and am convinced that he is such an interesting persona. I could feel that he is a good person. When we got back to the parking, I was excited to make the purchase. I had no cash with me and the banks as well as the auto plan were closed. We decided to do everything today.

When I told my dad last night, he said, “Are you sure about it?”. Well, I won’t lie and say that the purchase itself never kicked some thrill. It did. “I’m sure” I replied with a smile. Then I went to bed. An hour or so later I couldn’t help but think, “Is this right?” “Am I making a sound decision?” “Really Labli, buying without a mechanic inspection? Pure Genius.” I couldn’t sleep because my gut was telling me that while I believe the guy, I might have to pay a handsome price for maintenance later. The car and the guy are two separate things.

You know, I always pride myself as someone who reads and research about stuff and somehow makes it on the practical exam. But with cars, I just don’t know anything about it. So today, after my conflicting thoughts, I messaged the seller and honestly told him that we may have to do a PPI. He agreed. While I do not like last-minute changes, I have been glad to hit the brakes before the grand acceleration. Until then.

Hostage

So Last week was super intense. I had to do two nerve-wracking, make-it-or-break-it exams. To say that it was easy would be a lie. At one point, I wondered how I always subject myself to challenges and yet feel so short of unleashing my own true power.

When Heart E. mentioned  “I love it that I am not a hostage to anyone”, I felt that. In my case, I don’t want to be held hostage by my own feelings and fears. I’ve said it then and I am saying it now… one of my greatest fears is not realizing my full potential. I would want to dive headfirst and see if I can survive. And if I will, only then I could say that I have somehow, lived. I don’t want to curb my thirst for adventures just because it’s safe to stay on the shores. And for the longest time, my career has been the opposite of that. I felt restrained.

I never tried switching jobs in Singapore because I grew complacent. Why change a routine? I grew accustomed to a lifestyle that adapted well to the job that I was doing. I spend time together with the same people and worry about the same things.

Looking back now, I could’ve tried something else. I could’ve changed jobs and assessed which one fitted me best. I could’ve gone into dates and friendly rendezvous. The break came to me when I finally decided to quit. From there, I tried to follow the wind and set my own sail. It was one of the most liberating and grand experiences that I have tried.

Now that I am here, I want to try as many things as possible. I want to meet new tribes and gather new experiences. I thought about challenging myself to climb greater heights. I want to see where my guts take me. I want to go as far as I possibly can and never look back. Because it is through these pursuits that we would understand what we are built for. It is these pursuits that define the limits and miles that we can travel in this journey through life.

Say hello to your Uber driver

YAYYYYYY!

This is so surreal. I have been tensed since Sunday. The tension was severe that whenever I think about today, my hands and feet were cold in two seconds. No kidding.

I know I am lacking in so many aspects. First, I learned later in life. Second, I barely drive. Third, this fear. And so, I’ve been making illustrations of traffic lights for me to remember.

Come Monday, I was completely nervous. I reached out to friends, talked to coworkers, and asked for luck and importantly, prayers. At night, I did not want to burden myself with last-minute studying, so I just made myself busy doing my art. When I lay down in bed, I prayed continuously that I would be guided with wisdom. As I slept, I was going through simulations in my head. As a result, I barely slept.

Come D-day, I was surprised to wake up calm. Calmer than ever. I made coffee and sat for a little while. I quickly scanned through my notes and proceeded to freshen up.  I did an hour of practice before the exam and my instructor, Ruby, told me that I drove well. My parking was amazing, and my mistakes were barely noticeable. I did not want to hope too much so I just smiled and said, “Hopefully, I’d maintain it with the examiner”.

I was instructed to park in Bay 5. I had to go out of the car and do some paperwork. I went to the washroom and said a prayer or two about staying calm and remembering everything I learned from the past lessons. I head back to the car and did a quick pep talk with myself. “You cannot change what is bound to happen” echoed in my head. “Indeed, this is the point of no return!”, I muttered.

And then the examiner introduced himself. He asked. “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes” with a big smile on my face. This is where “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in to save the day, I thought. We did a prep test on signals and brakes. Then he got in and sat next to me. He asked for parking brakes to which I answered somewhat scripted. Blame it on my instructor, who always does this stuff! Then the examiner told me that we can go. I breathe in and breathe out, this is it!

As we approached the sidewalk, I did my full stop and he motioned to turn left. We veered onto the small streets. He asked me to turn right and turn left on various roads. The thing is, I am more confident in driving small streets because I always drove onto shortcuts and alleys back in the Philippines with tricycles, baskets, trash bins, and what-have-you parked on one or either side. I did my signals, and mirrors, and exaggerated my shoulder checks. Trust me, exaggerating shoulder checks is the norm for exams!

I don’t drive on highways back home, so it takes a long time to be comfortable driving into one here. Then he motioned for me to drive into the highway. When he said, to turn left on the stop, surprisingly, I did not feel the panic that I usually feel. I even had the chance to glance at the clouds, with rays of sunshine trying to break into them. The rays are much like me, in this situation, I contemplated. I am trying to break a mold trying my best to pass an exam where my instructor told me I had a 50-50 chance. As I maneuvered, everything just kind of made sense. I can clearly proceed on my left without one bit of hesitation.

Then the examiner told me to turn left to the small street and there I kind of felt, “Okay, I may have this in the bag already!” Few more turns and I was surprised to be heading back to the ICBC office. He told me to park the car in the last slot. I did. He then told me, “Congratulations, you passed!” I smiled and thanked him. I can’t believe, I passed. Me? With a 50-50 chance, passed?

At this point, I am elated. I am very grateful for this privilege. I never knew I had it in me. When I came back to the office, my coworker greeted me, “How was it?” I told him, "Say hello to your new driver!" We both laughed. LOL

You need to calm down

“What will be, will be.”, says my coworker for whom I have confided how tensed I am.

I have never been more nervous than tomorrow’s exam. I have done bigger exams like my IELTS or CELPIP which had a huge impact on my immigration status. But nothing compares to the thought that I am coming to an exam less of myself and more of an uncertain examinee. Although to be fair, I did employ an instructor and took six lessons, I still feel short of the skill.

My instructor told me, “I have to be honest; you have a 50-50 chance of passing, do you still want to go?” Stubborn as I am, I told her, “Yes, I cannot delay it any further.” It’s bringing me back to my Freshmen years when one failure had defined my entire college and one opinion had me doubt the entirety of my capability. So, when someone says, “You are not ready” I don’t necessarily believe them. It’s like me proving to them that the mold they procure was nothing but empty shackles to me.  It may be plain stupidity or natural curiosity on my part, really, but I want to experience it firsthand. The nerve-wracking element is given, for sure. But between thinking about failing and tasting failure, at this age, I’d have to say, I would taste failure and learn from it.

I thought about a long list of my mistakes. It’s a little something that I always forget like shoulder checks or signal lights on and off when changing lanes. But the bigger issue that I have yet to resolve is my confident left turns. I always found it hard to do left turns on big streets because I must be hyper-alert when to do it. Apparently, this city does not have a designated left green light all the time and to do it successfully, I must rely on gut and timing. How hard could it be? To some experienced drivers, it’s easy. To me? I always feel scared that my timing would be wrong.

My coworker explained, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Fail? That’s a small issue. You can do it again.” I wanted to interject and say “No, to cause an accident” but having this thought is me saying that I am preparing to fail 100% -- no buts or ifs. So, I kept quiet. Then he goes on to say, “You cannot change what is bound to happen.” And at that moment, I felt a click. Somewhat the universe telling me to just calm down and go with it. My fear cannot change things. My fear, instead of lifting me up, will be the perfect ingredient for disaster.

Compartmentalizing this fear and anxiety, I want to believe that this fear is healthy because it keeps me in check with my reality. It keeps me grounded about having goals and overcoming my inner turmoil to achieve them. I thought about the decisions that I’ve made thus far. Before moving to this city, I had the same exorbitant fear of the unknown. Had I kept on playing safe, I wouldn’t have reached new heights. My sister’s words were, “What’s there to fear? You cannot even afford a car!” Funny but that’s true, too. LOL

Amidst it all, I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I may be putting stress on a supposed drama-free activity. Taylor Swift’s “You need to calm down” echoes in my mind. True, I need to calm down. What will be, will be. 

Anger Management

I’m generally calm and cool.

But as I grow older, I found that another side of me is gradually coming out. I don’t know if it’s the hormones and moods or just generally an influence by my environment.

I don’t like being this but there are days when I become the HULK. I am becoming an angry person and that startles me.

I get angry with unreasonable people. I use to get scared of people demanding something from me. I worked in the customer service field for a long time and the role involves a lot of pacifying. When a VIP comes in and demands a thing or two to be done, pronto. It must be done pronto. But as I get more experience, I get tired of these foolish people. I get angry thinking about their kind’s privilege.

I’ve never worked in the BPO industry, but I get the exasperation of agents taking distressed calls from unreasonable callers. Today, someone called the office phone and started blabbering about how upset he was about a parking ticket. I did my best to hear him out, but he sounded too arrogant. He did not even call the correct number. I told him he should call the other property, but he stated, “I will sue you”. That perked my ears, I was about to shoot him “Then sue me” but I remembered Kondraty Ryleyev, a Russian poet whose punchline seemed great but was the cause of his demise. So, I said, “I’m sorry but don’t you think you are barking at the wrong tree?” In the end, I transferred his call because I am about to forget everything about my newfound philosophy the more, I spend time listening to him.

As I rewind what happened and how I reacted, I reflected on how I changed. It seemed to be a struggle to control my cool when I am provoked. I get so worked up like a volcano waiting to erupt. I seem to feel belittled, and I think that when you allow someone once, it sets precedence over all the disrespect that you are about to experience.

Patience… well, it used to be one of my strongest points. But these days, I’d say it’s wearing thin.

When someone says, “I am upset”, I don’t understand why I get to be the absorber. I don’t get why I need to accept their negativities. And I guess the reason is that I always try to paint coolness despite my own chaos and not lather them to everyone around me.

Taking cue on my past brushes with rage and anger, I found solace in this newfound philosophy. I learned that I do not need to react to every banter, action, and provocation the world is putting me into. I do not need to show feelings in every situation. I do not need to accept or reject. I can stay neutral. However, it is easier said than done. I have a long way to practice my philosophy and when the situation presents itself, I acknowledge that it is very challenging to remember everything I learned thus far.

I am a work in progress and battling with anger trying to consume me is part of the process. It’s a long way to go but trying my best has never failed me in my goals.

Project PreXXX

I want to have a social experiment to be another me. Version 2.0 in terms of worldliness. Whatever that means.

I want to be bolder, more social, and generally out there.

I would scrap the safe, guarded, and rational me for about a month. I want to try and be the opposite.

But how to do it?

My steps would be funny but considering how strange this project is, maybe I can convince myself of it.

Step 1. Research the avenues to reach out to people. Where to be “active” and not just a silent reader.

Step 2. Join a group and allow a person-to-person “meet up.”

Step 3. Engage in activities.

I don’t know the additional steps to this project. For now, I will call it “Project PreXXX”.

Should I do it?