easy

Try to be open but don’t be an easy prey.

“You’re tendency is that you want a man to chase you but that’s just it, you just let them chase. Did you get any of them? No?” My former lady boss told me.

I laughed so hard ‘cause I don’t know what to say. I am taken aback. And then I asked, “Why, what’s the best thing to do?” She laughed at me and told me, I am obviously a kid at heart. I don’t know how to react to certain things and though I look like a smug who seem to know everything, I am a beginner in the game of love.

How can I ever tell you that in my heart I have found a love deeper than what I saw? How can I ever tell you that once in my life, there’s this someone who meant the world to me? How can I ever tell you that I have fallen in love… in silence?

And although it has been a long time since I felt that alive, I have no doubts that I can love again. My idea of love is full of sacrifices; my idea of love is something that stands the test of time. My idea of love is what goes beyond the superficial. And apparently, I have not seen the perfect recipient yet.

Chasing after me is a test, and may be I am at fault in thinking that someday someone’s going to chase me until he’ll be able to stop me from running. Because after the chasing, I know the life he wants begins, I know I’d be calmer, what’s there to run when he was able to stop me? What’s there to hurry when he can wait? What’s there to spend my effort with running tirelessly when I am relaxed in my walking in the park together with him?

Being easy is never in my dictionary. Perhaps, by being “hard”, The thing I know I saved from loving someone in silence was nothing but my pride. Because at least in my misery, I was the only one who knew. But what if, I had that out and over with that person? Will my destiny be the same? So this time, when I do feel something for someone, point-blankly, I prefer to tell him by face. I have learned my lesson. My heart may be hurt and my ego being bruised, at least, I was not a coward. I dealt my feelings fairly with myself and with that person.

As for being open, I am open this way, not at my maximum but not in my minimum, it’s just right. For someone like me who gets disappointed easily, for someone like me who does not demand but enjoys surprises, for someone like me who says no but eventually gives in, for someone like me… I believe there’s someone who’s at par to be with me.