2015...

As this year is about to end, I am seriously thinking about my future…

Haha.

Believe me, I tried a hundred times to avoid the thought. I’ve been dreading thinking about the reality of getting older. It’s too self-consuming, bothersome and yes, I feel pressured.

Alongside keeping up with being a grownup is a growing desire to achieve more, earn more and build more. I have been clear about my goal of success as being HAPPY but I get all consumed by the fact that I need to do something in order to get something.

Which brings me to my thoughts of making concrete plans about my future. Do I have enough? Do I really like the way things are? Am I happy staying this way? These are what make me preoccupied these days. We’re hitting January 1 and next thing I knew, it’s March and it’s my birthday. I am going to be 28!!! Just 2 years before the calendar evicts me…

If I stay here in Singapore, keeping my job, okay… will I be happy? Honestly, I feel anxious. I don’t want to go through the same world-shattering experiences I have encountered for the last 2 years. I’d just be pretending that everything’s okay even if it’s not, and yes, I am changed in ways that I do not like, I feel burdened with zest-less events in life. That’s soooo not me. There’s more to life than keeping the job in order to pay the bills.

What do I want to do then? Well, I’d like to try and live somewhere else… Australia, New Zealand, Canada or the US. I have been keeping an eye as to how I’m gonna start to apply for migration… ah, I hope God will help me on this.

I am also thinking about venturing into biz, but I don’t know, I am quite hesitant because I am inexperienced. I would love to travel more too, Bonjour Europe and Hello America!! I want to get a driver’s license and make time to learn how to drive, of course. I want to build my own house, a sanctuary, free from negative ideas of the people around me. Seriously, I need a place in Davao, away from painful truths and obvious lies. I just need to get away from the heaps of negativities.

Lastly, I want to FALL IN LOVE. Ahem. That moment when you feel you’re ready to open up, share yourself to someone who adores and respects you for what you are, who accepts your level of weirdness and tolerates your degree of independence. Ahhh… that would be amazing.

There’s a lot of things I want to do in 2015. One day at a time, baby steps. I do not want to worry about the things in advance. I just want to live happily, forever thankful, chase some of my dreams and feel at peace.

Lord help me.

HER

I was able to watch “HER” last weekend, this is in effect of my being fanatic. Why, I was browsing through videos of K Pop idols and I have come across my new found fave K-pop idol’s her reality show. She mentioned that her favourite song as of the moment is the OST from HER. When she tried to have it aired, I can only listen to melancholy and solitude, it was intense.

She mentioned, the only way to appreciate the song is to watch the movie, and so I grew curious and hit play.

HER is a movie that generally speaks about Love and feelings of loneliness.

How do you cope with loneliness? The Kpop idol mentioned, she watches HER again and again.

Upon watching, I couldn’t help but think about the times when I felt lonely myself. That feeling when no one understands what I’m going through. That feeling when I look at the world around me and see colors yet I only stay loyal to being BLUE. That feeling when I’m surrounded by laughter and chitchats yet I feel the silence of emptiness crippling me like a drug.

Every now and then, I go through the phase of being lonely. There are times when I feel like sharing myself to someone but hesitates big time because I am not comfortable with it at all. It is a struggle to maintain a happy outlook on life especially on days that the challenges are too much, I retreat to being alone, silent and in the dark.

In the movie, the actor had an OS for a girlfriend because he felt that the personalized OS understood him in a way that no one else can. When his ex-wife knew, she told him that it is such a joke; it’s only an excuse because he cannot handle real emotions, and thus, the divorce.

Then it struck me, sometimes, is it really that? There are so many ways on how we cope with our overwhelming emotions and being able to share it virtually, to a stranger, to a notepad, is it like burying it to the unknown without properly dealing to the correct subject? I wonder.

Personally, I’d like to believe that loneliness is something that we go through so we can appreciate company. Coming from a family of few members, It is inevitable for me to be alone. I do things on my own, make ways for the things I want to achieve, getting things my way because I can get it faster, easier and less troublesome. I find it odd for people to stare at me just because I am eating alone in a two-seater foodcourt corner. I find it absurd for people to whisper, is she anti-social? Just because I am on my headset and roaming around the mall.

I think that coping up with loneliness is a personal thing. Because even if you are surrounded by lots and lots of crowd, you can still feel lonely plus, it’s really something that we work hard to overcome because it drags us down with its slow effects.

In the movie the actor writes very intimate and heart warming letters, perhaps he is an effective writer who writes sensitive letters because he has the depth of emotions that he can draw from. In the end, the movie escalates to the loss of the OS, as it has been pulled out from the market. He was devastated but he knew that the OS and him are two very different things that exist. The movie then ends up with him calling his ex-wife and saying sorry for all the things he has made to hurt the ex-wife.

It was a futuristic movie that presents the possibility of the innovation of computers and internet. To a degree, it has been happening, with the evolution of Wiis, Siri and etc, it is not impossible really. But with these developments, I think that challenge is still about how to be human. To deal with our own feelings, limitations and abilities.

Ahhhh.. To say the least, krystal Jung (the kpop idol) has a weird sense of movies. Haha I’d personally prefer Mission Impossible. Taken and the likes, not the melancholic, solitary HER. Haha

Oh well!

2014

2014…

I am thankful for the chances. I am thankful for breaks. I am thankful for kindness. I am thankful for good health. Most of all, I am thankful for the people who love and believe in me.

I have gone through a lot this year. It has always been me against my personal demons. Those thoughts that suck up my energy in no time. I have undergone major turbulence that left me breathless and helpless. I have gone through doors closing in front of my face. Pain after pain. Struggle after struggle.

.

It has been an eventful year for my career as when all else have accelerated, I was going through a meltdown. I have been hopelessly thinking of quitting, of starting new, of going after what I want to do and drowned in confusion, even questioning my own capabilities. I have been crying in the shower not wanting to show all my frustrations in public. I have been doing my own therapy, and thus the amount of blogposts.

I have never been so sad because I felt lonely. My thoughts this year was that, I NEED TO STAND UP even if it meant standing alone. It’s a tremendous year with all my personal battles. I’ve never felt so alone, enduring, tormenting, agonizing episodes of personal torture.

But yet, through it all, it is true, when you’re going through hell, keep going.

I found myself just continuing… less thoughts, more prayers.

Wrapping it up, I think everything I’ve experienced taught me a lot about myself.

When I was about to give up, I told myself, hang on tight. Hold on keep still because it will pass. As the ride continued to be rough, I promised myself to let go once I cannot take it anymore. You see, patience is something that you try to achieve first before surrendering. When I thought about the time that I need to let go, I grew anxious but moreso, relieved. I know that God will never forsake me. And then the ride went bearable.

When I was about to say “f*ck it, I’m not doing this anymore” I was given a reason to. I looked forward for breaks because it made me more human. Life is not always about sacrifices and pain, there’s joy and excitement as well, a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was about to say “I quit!” I was pushed to see the reason why I need to stay. I valued time and memories. I know that I need to enjoy this phase as I am not going back to this again. In life, there is always PLAY, PAUSE, STOP but no REWIND.

When I was about too say “A****LE” to a person that at one point, I despised so much that I wished he’d trip over the stairs… I was reminded that Life is like a wheel. And maybe when I reach to his point of power, I wouldn’t want someone cursing me to trip in the stairs, through a poop or whatever, just because she despised me. I’ll just wish for Karma to take her cue then. Haha

To say the least, 2014 has been memorable. Despite the battles, I am happy. Happy to have been taught a lot about life. Happy to have been given chances. Happy to know that the windows are opened in spite of the doors closed. Happy to be alive and make more colourful memories ahead of me.

Finally, I realized that happiness is a choice. And because it’s a choice, it requires a lot of effort to WORK OUT. We are toppled by negative thoughts and fate may hurl hurtful events and mishaps, but God will always make sure we’ll get by, by sending so many little blessings.

Aja!

rain DEAR

Six days to go!!!

Oh my gosh! How time flies, it’s six days to go before Christmas!

What to do? I haven’t done my Christmas shopping yet. And Christmas preparations? Not so much.

Oh how I miss home during this time of the year. I’d just be giddy without reason. We don’t have much of a family tradition as we are just few in the family. But growing up, the most traditional thing that we do on Christmases is gathering with the whole clan, play games, chat a bit more, and EAT.

I miss those days when my sister and I would host the event and all we do is talk and talk. We’d dance and enjoy ourselves and shop for party favors. I’d personally sponsor for chocolates and candies, it’s such an exciting thing to do, hit the groceries and just buy what I feel like as raffle or game prizes.

My last Christmas at home was, 4 years ago. Can you imagine? And with the last 3 Christmases abroad, I try to make It as special as I could by feeling the moment. (pakonsuelo de bobo: It’s just temporary that I am away, you know.)

This Christmas, I plan to prepare a bit food for noche Buena with possibly me and A only since all the others will be working. (That’s the sad thing about being in the overseas; you get to be lonely on special occasions really.) Dress up and feel good, go out and attend Church and yes, on Christmas day, I’d like to witness fireworks in Universal Studios (something new)

It would probably be my last Christmas here in SG, who knows? So I’m trying to make it pretty special. As for Christmas shopping, the red tags are on but money is… well, running empty. Haha I already bought a Christmas present for myself which would be claimable only in march. As for the friends, well… isn’t the meaning of Christmas be LOVE and SUPPORT? Haha. Maybe I’ll go grab something for them later.

Anyway, my wish this Christmas is GOOD HEALTH, for my family and me especially for my parents.

P.S. Santa, I’ve been wishing something for quite a loooooooooooong time now, how come it still hasn’t arrived? I wonder.

Six days!! You have six days my dear Santa. Please? Please? I’ve been good this year!!

XOXO

new and improved rejects

To feel rejected.

My hatest feeling in the world. Who does not, right?

I remembered when I was in high school, I was so enthusiastic in joining a school activity which would present a modern dance. I love to dance, I really do. It’s when you let out your inhibitions and just be all out.

I was so excited to learn new steps however our dance leader was a little bit unapproachable. She’ll boss around; get mad at us for not keeping up the dance steps. I had a hard time following as my dance moves are very limited compared to hers. I was trying so hard to practice as much as I can but one day, she belted out tantrums. She then shouted, “what’s wrong with you?” and we all fell silent. As if in a friendly manner, I spoke, “hey, let’s not get mad..,” then she pointed her finger at me “you… you know you’re not a dancer, why did you join?”

I was taken aback. The group looked at me with piercing eyes. I was frozen and I wished right then and there that I would be eaten alive by the ground. I was too embarrassed. I decided to run to the nearest bath room, and there I let my tears flow. I can never forget that incident as it brought pain and left a scar.

After the incident, I never looked at her the same way again. We became friends after. I can’t remember if she said sorry, but to me, the damage has been done and no matter what I do, I cannot forget it.

More than anything, I hate to feel that I am insufficient. That I am not good enough. That among a group, I am left out.

It really hurts me that people would secretly approve of something and I am to be kept blind. It hurts me that I do not belong, that I am different, that I am the weakest link.

It’s like studying for an exam and you find yourself getting the lowest mark in the end. It’s clearly not fair but what are we going to do?

I realized that there are numerous times in this life that we do not get what we want. The odds are not always in our favour. While people can get things done and achieve most of their goals easily, there are so many times that no matter how you try; you just can’t get what you hoped for.

It saddens me that I get to feel insecure and unstable. I get to feel like I am nothing. I get to feel that I am not trusted. But then again, people can hurl bad things at you. People can always get to your nerves and make you feel like a failure but it depends upon you. Are you really?

When things get rough, I seek to rise above the occasion. I realized after a long time that most people who succeed are not really the ones who are the best at what they do but are the most diligent ones. The ones who never back down no matter how many times they fall. Sometimes, it takes longevity to succeed and not just pure talent. It takes perseverance more than the skill.

And coming to terms with this idea, it’s not really necessary that I get to be the expert of the things I do. More than that, It takes hard work and commitment. It takes climbing back up again and again even though I’ve been knocked off for countless of times.

To be rejected is for losers, those who feel like a true-blue reject.

I don’t think I belong to that group anymore. It’s time to step up the game! Fighting!

sana naging tayo nalang

P! Guess who I saw?

-Who?

Someone who occupied your heart for a long time.

-Wow!! Sino nga?

Si _______.

-Oh!

At eto na naman tayo. Binabalik balikan ang alaala. Ilang taon na nga ba? 10 years? 10 years ding di tayo nagkita. Sa loob ng 10 years, andaming nangyari, nabago, naalis, natanggal, nadagdag, nadama at kung anu-ano pang “na-“.

Walang buwang hindi kita minsang naisip. Paulit ulit ang pagtakbo ng mga kaganapan ng kahapon na pilit kong iwinawaglit sa aking isipan. Sa bawat nakakatuwang alaala, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mangiti. Parang sirang plakang the more mong iplay, the more mo syang matatandaan. Bakit kasi di nalang naging tayo?

Naalala ko noon, pumunta ako sa Manila para sa isang training. At habang sakay ako nga MRT, may namataan akong lalakeng, parehong pareho ng style mo, hindi ko masyadong naaninag ang mga mata nyang natatakpan ng maitim na salamin. Siksikan ang mga tao at ako’y nakaupo sa sulok, naisip kong siguro’y bababa na sya kaya pilit akong tumayo upang makita kang muli.

Bumaba ka sa glorietta, at nakumbinsi ko ang aking mga kaibigang bumaba na rin. Sinundan kita  ng tingin ngunit mukhang hindi mo ako nakita. Balisang balisa ako, nais ko sanang lapitan ka upang batiin, imagine, sa dami dami ng lugar at taong makikita, sa iisang tren at ikaw pa ang aking nakita. Ikaw.

Tinipon ko ang aking lakas ng loob, ano ngayon kung di mo ako napansin, lalapitan na kita ng bigla kong naalalang tawagan ka muna. Hinanap ko ang telepono ko at sa pagbaling kong muli, wala ka na sa iyong kinatatayuan. Duma dial na ako ng telepono ngunit naisip kong, ano nga ba ang sasabihin ko pagsagot mo.

“hey, nasa glorietta ka ngayon noh?” at baka naman sabihin mong “oo, nagmamadali ako” or kaya’y “huy, bakit nandito ka, nandito din ako” tapos yun pala hindi ikaw, sabihin mo pang naghahanap lang ako ng excuse. Haha You see, ang mga desisyon ko noon nakadepende sa kung anong iisipin ng tao. Sana di na ako nag isip pa at sinunggaban kita nung hapon ding yun. Baka naging tayo na.

Naalala ko din isang gabi, nagtitext tayo at paulit ulit mong sinabing, pupuntahan mo ako sa bahay namin, ako naman itong timang, hindi. Hindi puwede. Sus kung alam mo lang, naghuhumiyaw ang puso ko sa kilig at saya, bakit ako pupuntahan? Bakit ako bibigyan ng oras para puntahan? Ang ngiti kong umabot hanggang langit. Baka naging tayo na.

Sakay sakay ako sa front seat habang kausap ang tatay ko nung nagtext ka, sabi mong, gusto mo akong makausap. Tumawag ka. Tumingin ako sa telepono kong nasa paanan. Paano ko sasagutin? Tumingin ako sa tatay ko, tumingin din sya sa akin, “yung phone mo nagriring”. Gustong gusto kong sagutin pero di ko masagot so I pressed the red button to ignore your call. High na high pa rin ako pero di ko alam anung meron at kinakabahan ako tuwing may kausap sa telepono. Sana sinagot ko, baka naging tayo na.

Naalala ko din may pinuntahan tayong beach, abala ang lahat. Hinanap kita at nakita kong nakaupo ka sa kubo kasama ang mga kaibigan mo. Pasimple kong sinuot ang shades ko, at umupo sa isang balustre kung saan maari kitang pagmasdan ng hindi mo namamalayan.

Inisip ko, ano nga ba ang nakita ko sayo? Aaminin kong may hitsura ka talaga, ang yong mga matang kusang ngumingiti at ilong na sing tangos ng poste ng meralco. Pero di naman hitsura mo lang ang napansin ko, napansin kita ng dahil sa kasimplehang taglay. Hindi masyadong madada, walang kaaway, walang bisyo, basta… nang biglang, tumingin ka sa gawi ko at huli na upang ilihis ko ang aking tingin, sabagay nakashades naman ako… ngumiti ka, hindi ako ngumiti para kunwari hindi ikaw ang minamasdan. Nagkunwari akong tumingin sa iba at kumaway, nakita ko ang mukha mong nadisappoint. Sana ngumiti nalang din ako, baka naging tayo na.

Tuwing nag uusap tayo, sinasabi mong crush mo si ganito ganyan. Ako naman itong timang, oo nga maganda si ganito, ganyan. Kung alam mo lang… sa bawat nagugustuhan, nacucurious ako kung sino sya, parang punyal na dumidiin sa bawat himaymay ng aking pusong nasasaktan. At nung sinabi mong nililigawan mo na si Juana… dun na nagsimula ang lahat. Sana ako nalang, baka naging tayo na.

Tapos Nalaman kong naging kayo ni Petra at sa di mawari, di ko maintindihan kung bakit labis akong nasaktan. Nagsimula ang lahat sa imahinasyon kong kay likot, litrato mong tinago ko at idinikit kasama ng solo pic ko. Ni minsan, hindi ko kinwento kahit kanino. Maraming beses na pwede sanang naging tayo kung mas naging totoo ako sa sarili ko, pero ni isa sa bawat pagkakataon, hindi ko naisip na mawawala ka ng tuluyan.

Siguro’y kay taas ng aking kumpyansa, marami ka mang magugustuhan, sa akin ka pa rin babagsak. Alam mo yun? Yung feeling na, walang ibang magmamahal sayo ng totoo kundi ako. At sa ideyang yun, nakocomfort ako. Kay dami kong hinindian kasi alam kong darating ang oras na magkakalakas loob ka din. Pero sa bawat buwang nadadagdag, nasaan ka?

Siguro nga… mali din pala ang maghintay ng maghintay. Kasi habang tumatagal, mas lumayo ka kesa lumalapit. Hanggang sa… di ko nakayanan pa. Mahal kita pero mas mahal ko ang sarili ko. Sa bawat larawang nakikita, doble ang sakit, ang pangamba, bakit pa ako magdurusa?

Sa bawat kuwento na pangalan mo ang ibinigkas, tinuruan ko ang sarili ko ng “poker face effect”. Ni isang emosyon, dapat walang maaninag. Ang mga kaibigang pilit ibinabahagi kung saan at ano ka na ngayon, di ko pinakikinggan. Kung gaano ka disinterested ang mukha ko, gayun naman ka attentive ng puso ko. Over over.

Inalis kita sa aking sistema. Bawal tulay ng komunikasyon, hindi ko na maaaring gamitin pa. Paano kita makakalimutan kung paulit ulit kong Makita yung updates mo? Paano kita palalayain kung ni mismong litrato mo, paulit ulit kong minamasdan at sinesave as document pa? Mali. Hindi naman naging tayo.

At nung nag-ping nga ang kaibigan ko, pinilit kong wag pansinin. Nakaya ko nga ng sampung taon diba, ngayon pa kaya? Siguro nga’y hindi naman talaga tuluyang nakakalimutan, kasi feeling ko, ikaw naman talaga ang first love ko. Pero bakit ganun, akala ko wala ng effect, pero sa tuwing naiisip kong makakasalubong kita, hindi ko pa rin alam ang gagawin.

Alam ko, OA nga talaga ako. Sabi nila, magreact ng ayun sa relationship status. True, pero paano mo naman sasabihin sa puso mong, huy oa ka na, magreact ng naaayon. Sana talaga…

Sana naging tayo nalang…

Confessions of a Koreanovela addict

Nakakaadik,

Andito na naman tayo, bumabalik balik sa nakalipas.

Although aaminin kong namiss ko ang ganitong feeling. Yun bang manonood, makikilig at sympre nabibitin.

I used to feel that for so many korean dramas already. Nakakaadik.

Matagal tagal din akong nahinto. Work life, friends, internet… factors that kept me quite busy with life kaya hindi na ako nakakapanood. I was “high” on these dramas when I was in high school and a bit in my college life. I started working and I forgot that this used to be my pastime. Why? Because I went back to school and have been too busy going out.

My comeback was when I was here in SG. I have experienced numerous disappointments. Yung bang feeling na kelangang kelangan mo ng diversion. I tried to hit the gym, run my heart out, cook and magbalik loob sa aking mga self-acclaimed talents… then a friend introduced me to a new kdrama. Yung title, “You who came from the stars”. Yun na! Dun na nagsimula ang lahat.

I’ve been in a hiatus for a looooong time. Narehab na ako pero yun nga, addiction is something that is recurring. (Parang droga lang?) I enjoyed the drama so much that I get to dream of it. Ewan ko ba, when I’m hooked, I’m hooked and I even imagine it during my waking hours.

After the drama, I have come across so many more and I never stopped. Right now, I am into my last episode of My lovely Girl with Rain as the lead. (I missed oppa in fullhouse, my fave kdrama of all time). My friends teased me, jologs daw talaga yung mga hilig ko. They’ve been shoving “walking dead”, “game of thrones” and a good friend even downloaded the whole season of Gossip girl for me. Ewan ko ba, di ko talaga bet.

My housemates would camp out in the sala to watch the walking dead together, but I’d rather stay in my room and play deaf with my koreanovelas. (Not that I am anti social!) I don’t know. I don’t get why zombies try so hard to survive when they’re already dead. Haha I am mainly uninterested. Of course naman, I tried to join them with the walking dead marathon, but I always end up spacing out. I don’t see the blood, I see the colors, the outfit, and while they seemingly answer the guide questions for each episode, I was there merely looking but thinking about hitting the gym or sleeping. I just can’t focus on these rubbish zombies! Haha

Needless to say, English episodes (walking dead and the likes) bore me. It doesn’t catch too much of my attention, it’s just a normal form of entertainment, where I can either play or pass, and I chose PASS.

The thing about koreanovelas, totally makes you feel kilig. Although MOST of these dramas are too good to be true, I can’t help but feel hopeful and feel good about myself. Plus the outfits are cute and dainty. Truth is, koreanovelas are way too cute for real life. Where can you see a kiss that lasts for minutes with just a lip to lip action? Not a single movement? The cameras are just zoomed into both lips and there you have it, the guy just confessed he loves the girl. You better not expect for more than that.

You’d feel thrilled for another kissing scene but wait, news is, it’s not gonna happen for the next three episodes or more. They just limit it to hugging! Haha

Koreanovelas spark attention because it makes you wait up for the next episode. They have strategically cut out the finest moment at the end of each episode so that you will have no choice but to continue to the next. You cannot seem to get enough. I have been watching a lot and the more I realized that the plots are the same, it only matter with the lead. And when they put up a new face, you’d begin to be curious and you’d google it for yourself. Oh the actress is a member of a girl group, browse, click, scan… she’s cute! Then you’d realize, I love to watch more, why are they limiting this drama to 16 episodes only?

Believe me, I have been a victim of these effective strategies. Not that I am complaining but I loved it.

Andami ko nang napanood, nasaksihan, napuyat na nga ako sa kakagoogle. Even behind the scenes, pinapatos ko na, which lead me to my idea of visiting Seoul. While most of these dramas are simple-storied. Yung bang kalrung klaro ang plot, wala masyadong twist, I find that these are the more enjoyable ones. Why, because you watch these dramas to kill time, to be transported to a new world, to divert attention... and fortunately, these are very successful tools. DI mo na kelangan magi sip, sinong pumatay kay sino, sinong kumuha ng kung ano. Ang lead guy will most often (if not always) end up with the lead girl. Ganun lang.

At dahil nga ganyan ka simple, siyempre maiisip mo din na ang lead guy ng buhay mo, would end up with you. Kasi nga wala naming iba pa sa storya ng buhay mo, ikaw lang. At dahil dun, nakakaginhawa, nakakasigla.. haha

Di ko alam hanggang kelan na naman tung addiction ko. Hihinto din to for sometime but of course, bumabalik balik.

pansin

Naglalakad ako sa isang aisle ng grocery, masayang nagkukwentuhan ng kabarkada kong di ko nakita ng mahigit sampung taon. 10 years?! Can you imagine?

Kumusta na si (name of classmate)? Di ba nagkaanak na sya?..

O si (name of classmate), bigtime na!...

O si maam (name of teacher), kumusta?

Nagrereminisce ng mga masasayang kahapon, nagtatawanan habang binabalikan ang bloopers ng high school.

Kay bilis ng panahon at nandito na tayo, 27… ang kabarkada koy, mother of 1, happy wife, happy life.

Canadian citizen at umuwi para magbakasyon at syempre, sa aming simpleng reunion. (Simple kasi, ilan lang naman kami, 4!)

Tinatakay ang kahapon habang naglalakad papunta sa counter upang bayaran ang aming kinuhang kung anu-anong abubot. Sabihin na nating, ang grocery ay nagiging playground na talaga, pag ikaw ay nearing the 30s or 30s and above. Ouch! Nakakasakit ng waist talaga. Haha

Nang biglang… OH MY GOD!

IKAW?! Ikaw nga ba?

Naglalakad papasok papunta sa aisle na gusto mo.

Ako’y natulala. Oh my God!

“Prey, are you okay?”

Oh my God, siya! Siya nga talaga.

Tumingin ka sa aking banda at ako’u tuluyang nakatunganga.

Parang sprite nung nasa elevator, nakita mo si crush, ano ang gagawin mo?

A)     Play cool: Hey pare! Musta na ang puso mo? Akin wasak pa din, wag kang mag alala, buhay pa naman sya brooo!

B)      Play sweet: Hey bud! How are you? *kumukuti kutitap ang mga matang pumormang puso”

C)      Play safe: dali na gurl, dito na tayo dumaan, bawal makakita ng multo ng kahapon!

Ang aking naging sagot, C. Play safe. Dali, diretso ang tingin, wag ng lumingon. For the goal na sa counter.

“Prey, OMG! Luspad ka!”, sabi ng canadian.

My mind is still stinging. Parang naparalyze ng kusa ang aking neck, kulang nalang sabitan ng c-collar sa ka-stiff nito. Habang ang puso koy hindi paaawat sa pagbeat ng kung ano anung melody, talo pa ang beatbox! Yung kumare nyang si Brain, ayun abala sa pag iisip. Nakita kaya nya ako? Bakit sya nagkunwaring walang nakita? Affected? Is he affected as I am? Kumusta na sya?

“huy prey!! Huy!”

Ha??

“anung nangyari sayo?”

Ah wala.. nakita ko lang naman ang ka first kiss ko!

“whaaaat?!”

HAHA. ‘to naman, naniniwala agad. Wala, must be the init. Ang init dito ha!

Kuwento ng kuwento ang kaibigan ko habang ako naman,nangingiti. Ang totoo, para akong nakikinig ng greek habang nasa talk show. Alam mo yung iinterviewhin ka pero yung interviewer is talking in greek, at dahil nasa camera ka, hindi naman pwedeng, “anu yun? What? Or ha?” ang magiging sagot mo, syempre ngiti ngiti lang para di magmukhang bobo at walang naintindihan.

So there, nakita ko nga sya. Sabi ko pa naman bago ako nagboard ng eroplano, Lord sana if magkita kami ulit, maganda ako. So bigla kong naalala, ano ba ang suot ko? Do I look fat? Gosh! Yung pimples ko sagabal sa landiang iminumungkahi ng aking alter ego. haha

Nung natapos na ang pagbabayad sa counter, pasimple kitang nilingun, ayun.. anong nakita ko? Wala. As in wala ka na dun sa kinatatayuan mo. Pasimple kong sinurvey ang scene, ang mga possible mong puntahan, ni anino mo, hindi ko na muling nakita. Nakakaligalig. Bakit may epekto ka pa rin? Para kang perfume na di ko bet, tinry ko lang, di na naalis ang amoy.

Ang puso ko! Kahit anung mungkahi kong wag magbigay ng malisya, bakit kusang umaasa?

Tatlong taong nakalipas, ngunit andito pa rin ako, maya’t maya kang naiisip. Nangangarap na magkrus ang ating landas at sa bawat imahe na aking nakikita, syempre dapat, maganda ako! Haha Di nga, I was hoping to see you, when I am more matured, when you don’t affect me as much as you did back then, and maybe… when the pain subsides and all I can think about you is not the chance that we missed but the chance that we get to meet other people who would materialize what we planned then.

Sa grocery’ng yon, napagtanto kong namiss kita. Ang mga usapang walang kwenta at mga maginoo ngunit medyo bastos mong hirit. Sana naging friends talaga tayo at least kung hindi man nauwi sa paglalambingan at least hindi naman nasira ang pagpapansinan.

Hindi ko alam kong nakita mo ako o kung nagkunwari kang walang nakita kahit alam kong kakita kita talaga ako. Sa tangkad ko ba namang ito, namiss mo? Naisip kong you usually would appear and say Hi first more than I say hello to you. Ang awkward pala ano? Haha now I know bakit maraming nabubulag sa pag ibig at sa pagkawala nito. Bulag ka kasi di mo nakikita ang mga flaws pag ikaw ay in love at nagbubulagan ka pag natapos ang relasyon at nagkita kayo, same as nagiging bingi at pipi din in both ways.

Should I have said Hello? Hindi ko alam.

Ako pa tinanong e sa mga pagkakataong ganito, hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin. Hayaan mo, next time tayong magkita, magreready na ako, or kung malulon ko man yung dila ko, may recorder akong babati sayo kahit di mo pansinin.

there's more to life than lovelife

“Anong plano mo? Okay ka lang ba kahit ganyan ka lang?”

Pumalakpak ang aking mga tenga. Teka! Teka! Anung ibig sabihin.

Parang nakakainsulto ata ang tanong. Wrong choice of words.

Kinalma ko ang aking sarili at nagtanong, “bakit? Anong ibig mong sabihin”

Ang gaga sabay kibit balikat at nagsabi “wala naman”

hmnn.. malamang nakuha din nya na deep inside nagwewelga na ang damdamin ko.

Naisip kong mas makabubuting hindi na ako bumuwelta, bagkus kelangang, “I-let it go, let it go..”

Pero pagkatapos ng pag uusap na yon, kahit saang anggulo ko tingnan, nagmamarka ang katagang “okay ba na ganyan ka LANG?” Ano ang masama sa pagiging single? Ano ang masama kung Masaya ka naman sa takbo ng buhay mo?

Hmnn… ang totoo, mahirap ding mag explain. Sa paulit ulit na tanong “bakit ka single” marahil makabubuting magrecord na ako ng sagot. For English, press 1, for bisaya press 2.

Bakit ka single? She pressed 1. For practical reason press 1, for philosophical, press 2. for concise, press 3. she pressed 3. Because I am single! And I like it that way, for the time being. At dahil hindi sya kuntento, she pressed 1. Because I have so many dreams pending to come true, I cannot afford a relationship for now. Hindi pa rin nya matanggap she pressed 3. Because love is a choice with the consent of the heart. And at one glance you don’t think your heart wants it, then so be it. Someone will come and let you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. At ngali ngali nyang sirain ang telepono. Bakit sya single? To speak to the kinauukulan, press 0. At dahil hindi nya talaga matanggap ang mga naunang rason, she pressed 0.

“Yes hello, this is P how may I help you?”

Why are you single?

“because this is my life and I have a say whether I remain single or not”

Why nga?

“because I haven’t found the one yet”

Why?

“because I am comfortable this way”

Why?

“because… okay.. I admit I am quite scared to share my life with someone with so much access. I am afraid to depend on someone so much that it hurts me if we would end up in vain. I know I am over thinking, overanalyzing and overreacting. But fear is such a strong magnetic force that would want you to remain still and just be contented with who you have. And it takes someone extraordinarily ordinary to break into that wall of fear that I have been keeping for so long. And yes, that someone hasn’t arrived yet”

Aaminin kong may mga pagkakataon din naming naiisip kong masarap sana kung may kasama, kakulitan, kalandian.. at kung anu-anong ka- HAHA. but for me, hindi naman kasi napipilit ang mga bagay bagay. If there’s something that I am very sure of in this life, eto yung WAITING. I believe andun ako sa point na nakakaya ko ang delayed gratification. I have been waiting for right chances, right opportunities, right timing and so far naman, yung mga plans ko, umaayon sa RIGHTNESS kasi nga, hinintay ko.

Sa bawat pag inog ng mundo, may saktong timing yan, hindi naman pwedeng ang araw at buwan, parehong lalabas kasi may natural flow of things sya. Tulad ng love, in my opinion, sumusunod din sya sa natural flow. Kusang dumarating, kusang nawawala or napapalitan ng bagong intensity.

I find it odd for a person to tell me, “be in love na!” or “unsa paman imung dugayan?” again, it’s not a matter of being in love, mapipilit mo ba ang sarili mo kung di mo talaga gusto? Parang sapatos. Pag bumili ka, tinatry mo bago mo bilhin, comfy ba? Maganda ba? Matibay kaya? Kung di mo talaga feel, kahit nahihiya ka pa sa saleslady sa bawat pagkuha nya ng size mo at effort nya sa pag promote, di mo talaga bibilhin.

Para sa akin, madali namang mag inlove inlove-an eh. Isipin mo lang ang bawat nakakakilig na eksena ng paborito mong koreanovela at tiyak na gigil ka sa kilig. Maiisip mo ang taong gusto mo at feel na feel mo ang bawat eksena. Pero yun nga, hanggang doon na lang, ‘cause sa mga tulad ko, I aim for a “REALationship” and to be able to achieve that, takes a REALtime hardwork, a REALtime process and of course a REAL person.

So yun. Bago pa ako bumuwelta na na offend ako, I don’t know if gets nyo ako. Basta. Ang hirap iexplain ng mga bagay bagay na hindi madaling rume-late, kasi among the population, ilang porsyento lang naman kaming bumubuo na ganito ang idea? Haha

But kaklaruhin ko… I WAS AND AM NOT A MAN-HATER (man eater baka pwede pa), I WAS AND AM NOT ANTI RELATIONSHIPS, in fact, I pray and wait for my time to come. I WAS AND AM NOT DESPERATE (that is why I wrote this post anyway, to shed some light).

Kaya nga itong si pareng Ramon, bet ko eh… I like the idea, there’s more to life than love daw… pero for me… there’s more to life than LOVE LIFE! Hihi (for now)

sixty

This is the time of my life wherein I can do the things I want,  go to places I've always dreamed of going, meet new people and yes, pursue some of my passion.

I have always been passionate about arts and I always wanted to paint. I have been passionate about travels and wanted to explore more in Asia and someday, Europe. Who knows right? But lately, I have been passionate about good food… food that I dare not waste by not eating it in full. Let's say, a plateful of baby back ribs…

When I was younger, when I order something and feel that I am already full. I set it aside. Not minding if I wasted food. Nowadays, I always feel hesitant to waste it. Why, I am buying it and earning is a lot of hard work and sacrifice.

My appetite has gone doubled and so is my weight. I used to think that among my family, I am the chosen one. I'd be the slim type, the belly-free family member. But who am I kidding?  I am now standing side by side my sister (who's a mother of two by the way) with a minimal variance in weight. And I am getting too much teasing, I'm very much single but I am weighing like a mother of 2 already! Ngaaaakkkk

Just recently, I have bumped into a friend. The last time we met, she was doubled but seeing her again, wow! She's becoming rather slim. I am envious. I asked her the secret, she just mentioned RUNNING! So then, I made up my mind to run as often as I can. Let's hit the gym and be serious about it!

Yeah yeah, I get it, it's rather easy to say than do! It was never my concern, the diet and getting physical thing but the more I grow older, my Gosh! It's taking so much of my thoughts. I believe that slow metabolism really hits you when you seem rather vulnerable. Ugh.

Anyway, I really wish to run three times a week, let's do it and it's not just doing it… I should do it religiously! Wish me luck! 60? Let's hit 55 and it's gonna be perfect!

Until then.

Sumesexy,

living

Whew!

One week is super fast!

Just got back from my weeklong vacation back home. And I realized so many things…

1)      I am not 24 anymore.

As much as I’d like to deny my being in the late 20s and make believe that my age is still where I left it 3 years ago, being home emphasized that I am no longer that young. There are “new breeds”. I went to the mall and sit nonchalantly at a fast-food with clear glass windows… I took time to notice… I saw myself in ladies wearing uniforms, eating and chatting excitedly. You know what, I used to be like that, meeting the same person, talking like there’s no tomorrow. Haha

2)      I need to level up.

As much as I like being in control with the things that I am surrounded by right now, I am not that fulfilled yet. In fact, I feel there is something lacking. I am half empty more than feeling half-full. I feel that there is more to life than living everyday with work as my constant thought-stealer!

3)      I need to make up my mind.

What do I love doing? What are my interests? I need to have a concrete idea of where I will be going. It is time to make up my mind on how I see myself 3 years from now,  being 30 is something I am anxious about. I need to feel stability.

4)      I need to be happy.

Happiness is a choice. What I do, where I am, happiness streams from feeling it within. It should not be based on my bank account or my back up plans or even my company. I love myself and it’s kind of a good thing.

5)      I need to be in love.

This is not limited to a person but in life in general. The only way to keep going is to love what you do and love the people around you and love YOURSELF. There is no bigger glory than being on the same team with people who mean the most to you and there is no bigger success than loving the person that you are more than attempting to sabotage yourself.

Truly, it was a delightful weekend of self-discovery. My biggest goal in going home is to reunite people. Glad, I am reunited with my family and happy that I have been able to be part of reuniting clashing friends.

In this life, we are given tasks, in this life; we don’t always get what we deserve. In this life, we may feel unfairly treated and worse, bullied for the wrong reasons. But you know what, life is never exciting if we always acknowledge only the victories that comes along each fight, it is much more colourful to add the struggles and strategies that we employ to achieve those triumphs.

I can always complain about my struggles, I am not exempted. But as time goes by, I know that I will be proud to acknowledge that I have been through a lot to get to where I am. That alone, is what makes me an active participant more than a spectator of what we call as “living”.

bisdak

I am proud to be.

Truth is… I never really knew my words were too deep a bisaya for Davao. I’d often get my friends who’d laugh at me for the terms I use which they think are way too bisaya.

For generation Y in Davao, which includes perhaps the 80s kids and onwards, Bisaya is more of the TAGBIS (tagalog-bisaya). Phrases like: “magbili tayo nyan ba!” or “maglagot gyud ako sa teacher namin ba” are very common.

Although growing up, most of my classmates are pure bisaya (not a hint of tagalog unless we’d make pasosyal at school) it was a transition when I went to college. I’ve got classmates who came from other regions who speak tagalog, I’ve got friends who simply are tag-bis at home. Of course, my ears would go extra attentive when I hear, “magpunta tayo sa mall” or “lain ka man uy, di ka man nagsaba!” seriously! I had a fun time listening to all these blabbering but as time goes by, parang naanad na talaga ako ba! Blame it on the household!

Our homes and the people around us influence our speech, the way we talk, we react. It’s normal.

I’d speak the term “ningutngot” “niung-ong” “nisirit” “hunos” “tungol” amongst the few and my friends would say “what?” in chorus. I don’t know, I’ve encountered so many bisaya words in my lifetime. Not that I’ve lived in Cebu but I heard so many stories, read so many notes and even witnessed my sister’s visayan local tv drama at one point (ANG SILINGAN, abscbn regional, wayback 1999?)  All these influenced my bisaya speech… perhaps I am 95% fluent than most of my friends, Why, it’s my mother tongue! (or mother’s tongue? Literally!)

But among the influences that I’ve encountered early on, the one thing that stood out is the RADIO!

While most of the kids during my primary grade would succumb to watching tv all day, I’ve no choice but to listen to the radio. And not just any radio, it’s a transistor for fudge sake! The ones used by grandmothers for their daily dose of AM broadcast. Basta RADYO,  Bombo! 

You see, it’s not that I love listening to the radio (maybe if it’s ole funky music) but I am FORCED to listen because my mom would wage war if the radio will be switched off. She’s a fan of no other than DRA AND ABOGADA LOURDES LIBRES ROSARUSO. (whew! Such a long title and name for a person) She’s, yeah, a doctor and a lawyer in one. Her program usually would start with an introduction of the letter sender, re-enactment (errr rehearing) of the problem then lastly, her advice. Problems would of course be pivoting around the orbit of health and legalities. She was my mom’s idol and believe me when I tell you that… I received a lot of spanking because I switched the channel to an FM radio while this program is airing! 

But before this program, May mga drama pa, perhaps 2 to 3 and she’d listen to it all. Words like, “Lavinia, gihigugma kayo tika, hinaut nga di gayud ako nimu pakyasun” and lavinia would say “Ben, aduna nay nanag iya aning akong kasingkasing. Dako akong pagmahay nga karun lang tika nakaila.” Then Ben would say “kung mao, mas maayo pa nga mawagtang nalang ko aning kalibutana!... muambak ko.. ingun ni ini… pooooooooooom!” Lavinia would say “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, pasayloa ko! huhuhu”

Believe me; I’ve listened to dozens and dozens all through out the years, from teban to raminee ang batang bronsi. I’ve resisted listening and sulking at my room, but what to do, the only sense that cannot be covered is the sense of hearing, unless there are barriers of space. What’s the point of resisting when you can hear it anyway? So there, I slowly learned to enjoy the dynamics of these dramas.

And the more I listen to it, the more words I’ve absorbed. The more I listen, the wider my imagination became. It wouldn’t be effective if you won’t be able to visualize a scenario. For example, the hero Raminee would go to the hill then shout “ako si raminee and batang bronzi” then he will transform to a superhero. I can imagine a hill because of the echo… raminee eee eee batang bronzeee eee eee. 

One time, I was telling my friends about raminee and they were like, “what? Where did you get that?” they died laughing when I told them, he’s a superhero sa radyo then I said, oh he was famous, his name is RANISI! Then the cab driver joined in and said “si Raminee to uy!” see? It’s just not me. 

My sister and I have grandest times when we try to re-enact a drama. She’d say, “misubra na gayud ka kabakakon, sagpaon tika ingun niini..paaak!” and I’d say “agay! Nasakitan ko, namula ang akong mga aping dili ko musugot nga di gayud ako makabalos, maong sipaon tika, ingun niini.. baaaaaaaaaaag!” ahaahha you know, for the heck of it. Our childhood may be a lot weirder than most, but we’re cool that way. Haha

Needless to say, We are bisaya because we’ve been exposed to so many visayan materials. Yes, I can write a Filipino article in a proper fashion but I still find it hard to speak as fluent as possible. While my friends and people around me may sometimes laugh too hard to offend, it’s okay. My bisaya is actually a reminder of a very colourful childhood, one that I am proud of and one that I’ll have so many fun memories to speak of.

I am BISDAK! And I am proud of it. 

neighbours

Priorities have changed…

I found myself googling the term “davao city properties” and browsed through lots and lots of pictures of houses and lots with six zeroes attached in the tag.

My goodness! How can I ever afford a 2M house and lot, 200 sq m located along bo. Pampanga? Or yes, the 5M h&l along buhangin? I know for sure, I don’t have the money for it. Mentally computing to resell my current assets, it’s still so short, bisag apil pa lawas, ma hurt rako kung hangyuon pa! HAHA

My biggest goal to date is to buy a property, preferably just near downtown. I would love to have a residence maybe in el rio, hillside, fortune and those familiar subdivisions just near our current place.

I’d die working and I still would not be able to afford 12M H&L in Insular, Woodridge or Robinsons. It would be too much of a dream to own a place in those exclusive subd. Don’t get me wrong; as much as I’d want to live in any of those, I know it’s not the reality for me. not YET.

My priority is to move out from our village. Why, because I feel that it’s too crowded and yes, my taste has changed. I want a more peaceful, stable and controlled environment. Although I’ve lived there all my life, I really don’t think it’s apt for my future kids to live in such place with the conditions and feeds that I am currently getting from folks.

The only thing that I love about our community is my childhood friends. Those people who saw my evolution during the sip-onon days haha. I really treasure my neighbors who are knitted together and feels like family.

I remember when Christmas is coming, we’d be busy fixing up our tansans and alambre, drum or gallon as our instruments and we’d sing our hearts out even if it meant being told, “wala pay pasko!” haha

I love the fact that I have experience that and so many fun memories all because… I live there.

BUT as I live then… I also knew facts: I knew neighbours who have nothing to eat or are battered or are drug users. I saw the rugged side of life as children would run everywhere with thin limbs and big heads, malnutrition. I saw how hard life is hearing stories about not having steady income and accepting labada or children not being able to study because of financial constraints. I saw brothers fighting, couples bickering and people simply, tambay.

I saw life on a raw medium. I saw reality.

While I attended private schools and been with friends and classmates who are in the upper side, I began to compare the two realities.  

I saw my neighbour struggling to make the ends’ meet while I saw my classmate struggling to bring the family back together. I saw my neighbour taking up odd jobs, construction and stuff while I saw my classmate absent for the class but present in Jacinto in her yosi session. I saw my neighbour’s lack of something and my classmate’s perhaps, lack of someone. I cannot weigh the extent of their difficulties.

So then, I realized both realities cannot be quantified. I saw how the two realities are different but the same. I mean, most people do struggle but the degree and aspect differs from each other.

While I get that the community that I grew up in is far from ideal, I am thankful because I have learned at an early age that my eyes should be open.

I just can’t be someone who’s make pakawala because my parents can financially support or because I have this or that. NO. Far from it. At an early age, I saw the cause and effect relationship of life.

What happens when I don’t study well? What happens when I marry young? What happens if I don’t get a job? The answers are given, I’ll look around and I can enumerate perfectly.

The more I mature, the more I desire for a community of my own too. A new home for a new life. I would love to have a say on my own place, own furniture, own space. And as pride would suggest, I really want it to come from my OWN POCKET. It’s something that I would be really proud. Hehe

I hope. I wish and I pray. Soon. Soon. 

limits

Damn you!

Seriously, there’s got to be a way to achieve a level of confidence about being angry.

And believe me when I say that I really don’t have that level of confidence. It’s always retreating to my peaceful rendezvous, where anger, pride and envy do not exist.

I have been a happy child; I don’t get angry easily or maybe, at all. I get pissed, yes, but the degree is little to nothing because I easily forget the reason why I am pissed in the first place. I always keep my cool and maintain a calm outlook because once the damage has been done, it is finished, and you cannot repair it by being vengeful. Karma always finds its way.

Coming to Singapore, it was completely new to me. I seem to get that the people here are more open, more vocal, more expressive about hate. I am not used to telling someone that he did wrong by doing this or that and that he should take the blame for the misdeed. It is completely the opposite. I get it why people become unhappy. It is a struggle to pull yourself together.

Here, when I do wrong, I should be able to know how to shield myself and take the blame. When I make mistake, I feel so stupid for failing. I am afraid to commit mistakes and even more terrified to take the blame. It is a vicious cycle of fear and uneasiness, swallowing you whole making you paranoid and worst, doubt your very self.

My greatest challenge in surviving the ordeals is to know how to express myself. I now get angry, vengeful and even hateful. I cannot contain myself from blaming and I have very minimal patience. Sometimes, I do remind myself that it is totally NOT ME. I am WHO I AM and not what other people expect me to be.

Although I now get angry, I still don’t know how to express it.  I do get frustrated because people around me can always nag me, but when it’s my turn to do so, I just recoil and remain still as if nothing happened, although I can tell, I am burning inside.

This whole experience teaches me so much about myself. It tests me about how well do I react to a certain dilemma, and swear, it is never easy. It’s always a question of letting go and staying. When things turn sour, I always think about my goals and what I want to achieve, and yes, everything has its own time.

I personally believe that when you know yourself and what you are capable, you are confident to challenge yourself to make it to greater heights. Timing is everything. We set a goal and put a time frame or else, we’ll get stuck to a phase forgetting the purpose of the whole journey.

I am holding on to my brand of sanity, and patience… yes, it has its limits.