Friendship is spelled with END

As much as we want to take old friends with us to the next level, sometimes, it’s better to just leave them as they are.

I have always been a very loyal friend. The type to make an enemy of someone who messes up with my friend. I’d like to think that that’s just how I view friendships – worth protecting for.

I am usually cool. I don’t take things like everything is such a big deal. I’ve never been that problematic friend with various issues.

However, with the recent friendship situation that I am in, I am reconsidering the type of friend I am and exactly the type of friend I have. As a friend, I am slow to process anger. I get annoyed, yes, but most of my friends don’t really get the gravity of what I’m feeling because I don't show it. Normally, I take a step back and process it on my own.

But not anymore.

I have made a vow to myself. With relationships, romantic or friendship, I would never compromise my own emotions. I refuse to be the absorber. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be the ultimate patron up to the extent of my ruin. I refuse to compromise what I really like just because a certain someone likes something else. I hate that when I do that to myself. I hate that I must curb my own desires for others. And the sad thing is that they don’t even realize that you sacrificed your own for them.

I was told I have this habit of accounting for what I did. Well, let’s just say that I do because someone may have lacked sensitivity. When you give in every time, they seem to think that they’re entitled to it. They're accustomed to you giving in that when you stress NOT giving in this time, you have become "difficult". Friendship is a symbiotic relationship. You give and you take. You do not take everything and think that it's okay because someone is ALWAYS okay with it. There is always a limit to everything.

As I reflected on my relationships, I just kind of think that some friendships come to an end just because you get tired of making it work. You face a certain wall that helps you decide whether the friendship is worth anything to fight for. In my case, I think that I am no longer in my pleaser era. I no longer have the patience and flexibility to bend and reshape myself to fit someone’s idea of a friend.

I have come so far from where I started. I am not the same giddy, goody girl that I used to be. I have my own issues, responsibilities, fears, and anxieties. I have a reality that demands time and effort and I no longer have the luxury of time to do mind games with people. I no longer have the tolerance to wait on someone and be in that zone. I no longer have the aptitude to be in a drama. I have my own problems to solve, my own drama to star in. I demand to pursue things and relationships that help me grow with peace.

As much as I’d like to keep the number of friends as they are. And as much as I’d like to see them next to me on this ride all the way, (And believe me, I always do), I think that some friendships can only take so far. 

Like everything in our journey through life, some friendships take exits, some friendships break down, and some friendships can have flat tires. I am just hopeful that at some point,  these friendships still reach their destination no matter what route they take. 

Childhood on our mental health challenges

“I have mental challenges.”

It’s pretty common especially here in the North American region. A friend and I once had a dialogue about the possible causes of mental illness in a first-world country, such as Canada and we could infer that there are several factors that when you look at it, are intertwined. I want to put a disclaimer here; this is a stereotypical analysis with no proof other than what is observed. This may sound ignorant, but it is what it is, and I do not want to sugarcoat things.

Growing up and being raised in a third-world country offers a stark contrast to the economic and social capabilities of individuals living here. I always think that depression and underlying mental conditions emanate from experiences as a child. It must have been a void that no matter how you try to seal it, sinkhole after sinkhole appears.

For one, I am living in a very expensive city, and with this comes the resources that you need to produce to keep on living here. From an economic perspective, parents work to provide for their children. Sometimes, parents take multiple jobs to afford the life they want for their family. Children are left alone most of the time, hence, having the extra time apart from school on friends and hobbies. These friends can either be productive or counterproductive along with the hobbies, such as being introduced to illicit drugs. Can parents monitor their children 24/7? Unlikely. They’re just too busy! It starts with trying a single tobacco and alcohol then escalates to weed then transitions to narcotics. The pattern is plain and simple to miss.

Secondly, broken homes. According to NIH, adult depression is significantly more common among those with separated parents in childhood (68.1%) than among those whose parents had not separated (53.4%). With divorce in place, separation is more “accessible” (for lack of a better term). I have watched the movie, “Catch Me If You Can”, which was roughly based on the true story of Frank Abagnale Jr. He has this interview about his notoriety, and he mentioned that having his parents separated had a huge effect on him. His parents' separation is something that he doesn’t want as his reality especially when both parents married another spouse. How many children coming from broken homes adjust to their parent’s new partners and some of them have other kids from previous marriages? Emotionally, it will leave children out in the middle while both parents go on to create another. It’s a tough place for children to be in. It’s highly traumatic.

Thirdly, Trauma. Especially when you have experienced abuse as a child or in the past. People have different views of trauma. A car accident, repeated sexual abuse or a verbal assault could lead to trauma. Survivors of abuse may feel like they cannot trust the people around them. With trauma, it is reliving the experience that makes it harder. One single thing could cause a trigger. People would usually find means to forget them thereby leaning to substance or alcohol exacerbating depression.

Lastly, lack of support. Most children feel unwanted or unloved when their parents do not have time to be with them. If missed PTA meetings, games, or bonding becomes a habit by parents or loved ones, children will seek validation and support through other means. At times, children who seek attention start delinquency to get the attention they need.

There are lots of other factors, for sure. But one thing common about these is the idea of hopelessness. As a child, the moral ground is what the adults model for you. If both stand posts are erring and are growing up themselves, what idea of mental stability do you expect them to follow? We all know that life happens and sometimes, things do not work out like we want to. I bet nobody would want a divorce if that were on the menu. However, bringing a child into this world is a commitment, and just because it did not work out with the partner does not mean you leave the child to fend for himself/herself. When you decide to bring someone into this world, it is from start to finish. There are no pauses or breaks in between.

Our childhood experiences are an important part of who we are and what we become as an adult. When we feel loved as a child, we grow up thinking that all children are loved just like the way we were. When a child experiences hopelessness and this continues to be a trend, we can safely assume, it will be dominant in his/her adult life. Ever wonder why celebrities fall into the hopelessness of drug or alcohol abuse even though they reached the highest of peaks? Because no matter how much we achieve for ourselves, we always go back to the basics.

At the start of everything.

Our mind is wired to measure how much we’ve grown from where we started.

Good Morning Alexa

Imagine starting your day with a bright, "Good morning!" to Alexa, and she promptly kicks off with the latest barrage of world news, all gloom and doom. The war in Ukraine, Israel-Hamas tensions, and a host of other not-so-happy headlines – it's like the news has a subscription to negativity, right?

Let's talk about habits for a moment. They're like these sneaky little routines we do without even thinking. In my case, my morning news ritual was turning me into a pessimist before I'd even had my coffee. Instead of feeling ready to conquer the day, it felt like I was diving headfirst into a sea of worries. 🌊

I mean, who could blame me? When every headline screams chaos and conflict, it's tough not to feel anxious. The constant exposure to bad news had turned me into a professional skeptic – I couldn't trust anyone's intentions, and my view of the world had been thoroughly muddied.

So, I asked myself, "Why don't news outlets ever focus on the good stuff?" 🤔 Why is it always about the shocking, the grim, and the jaw-droppingly bad? Why don't they have a "Feel-Good Friday" segment? Seriously, that'd be awesome!

The world's become a noisy place, hasn't it? Bad news comes at you from all angles – TV, radio, the internet, even social media. You're just scrolling through your Instagram, looking for some relaxation, and suddenly, there's a war clip! It's like "Survival of the Fittest" has morphed into "Survival of the Mentally Strongest." We're tackling our own problems while carrying the weight of the world's issues. Not exactly motivating, is it?

Sometimes, I'd sit during my daily commute, gazing out the window, and all I'd see was injustice, weariness, and hardship. It made me wonder if life was nothing more than an endless grind, a relentless struggle driven by the fear of unpaid bills. 😟

But then it hit me – the negativity from my daily news diet had quietly crept in and consumed my outlook on life. I'd become a willing victim of "media-washing" (if that's even a thing!).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should bury our heads in the sand. It's essential to stay informed, but the balance is key. Let's make room for some positivity amid all the gloom. There's got to be some good news out there, right?

So, next time I greet Alexa with a chipper "Good morning," I'm going to cut her off and ask for some uplifting tunes instead. 🎶 Because who couldn't use a little extra positivity to start the day? 😄

Stay tuned as I embark on a quest for a brighter, more balanced start to my mornings. Let's bring some sunshine into our daily routines! 🌈✨

Thanksgiving weekend

It’s the thanksgiving weekend! I can't believe I am now part of this celebration being strategically planted here.

I love this season. It incites gratefulness.

In a world where people become highly entitled to anything, we look deeper within ourselves and realize that it’s not the world’s obligation to give us anything. In fact, and to put it bluntly, the world does not owe us anything. And with this comes the appreciation that you were chosen, you were blessed, you were fortunate to be given the opportunity to receive something. Maybe you did something right or maybe you got lucky? Either way, the fact that not everyone gets the same favor, nudges you to remain grounded and grateful.

A few months ago, I met with old friends. I was happy to share my journey here in Canada. As the conversation got deeper, I was asked, “Are you not planning to move to the US?”, I was literally speechless. I was unable to answer. I smiled.

It’s not the question that is hard to answer, it is the realization that my friends can now ask me about moving to the US, so casually.

America? Me???

It was like asking, “Are you not planning to go get groceries?” It was so unpremeditated and so… humbling if you ask me. America seemed to be like a distant dream. I have known someone who had his heart surgery there when he was young and when he told us that, I was amazed at how they could afford it! I have friends whose families have settled in the US, and I know for sure, that I am nothing like them financially speaking.

I am from a working class. My parents teamed up to make sacrifices for us. Growing up, finances were laid out in the open. My mom was quick to explain why they could not buy me new jeans or cool shoes on my whim. And because my parents were open, I understood that the new jeans would have to wait and most probably would be by my sock on Christmas day!

In my mind, there’s a stark contrast between those who COULD settle in America and those who are just like me. They COULD because they HAVE. I look back at the start of it all, from when I joined raffle contests hoping to win a ticket to Hong Kong, just because, I knew my parents could never afford it at that time. And then there’s my first plane ride to Manila courtesy of my sister, I was in college then. My first international trip was in Hong Kong because… Disneyland! It was truly a dream come true. When I look back, I’m just in awe. I had literally nothing, and yet… having the opportunity to move across the globe was somehow possible.

So, the idea of moving to America… I could not even fathom the feeling. I am just amazed at the idea that in somebody’s mind, I am someone who COULD now consider moving to the U.S. 

Does that mean I HAVE?

I don’t know. All I have is the guts. I don’t even have much passion for things. To put it simply, I’m just a hard worker. I just continued digging hoping I’d stumble on oil, if not gold.

But truly, I can’t believe where life has brought me. I always knew I was going to places but never really considered the far-away ones.

And this Thanksgiving season, this is just one of the many notions that make me teary-eyed.

I want to be reminded of the opportunities that were given to me and the prospect of also giving others a chance at life. I want to be reminded of the people who made it possible for me to traverse this path, some riding along with me. I want to be reminded of the likely good things that I have done and will be doing more, to come this far and perhaps, go farther.

Most importantly, I want to be reminded that nothing is set in stone, and with a grateful heart, I continue to move forward and forge new paths wherever life takes me. 

Groupthink

Groupthink

It is defined in Investopedia as a phenomenon that occurs when a group of individuals reaches a consensus without critical reasoning or evaluation of the consequences or alternatives.

With this phenomenon comes the branches of other things that usually occur. In layman’s terms, sometimes it can be maritessing.

That is when friend A says that friend B is a sl*t, for example. Then friend A says that she sees friend B with different cars dropping her off. Friend C would jive in and say, she sees friend B wearing heavy makeup all the time and is always on her phone. Friend D, E, and F will agree and give their supposed “testimonials”. All of them conclude the same destructive things against Friend B.

Friend E might have been peer-pressured to chime in. Friend F might make stories just to be “in”. It is a scenario that is very common in the society. Without proper evaluation, we just produce a solid conclusion. No Ifs and no buts.

Today, A mentioned that a temp stole a bottle of wine. She made B pull up the CCTV footage on the dates she purportedly thought the wine vanished. They called me to show me the footage. While watching, I observed how A was resolute in her belief that it was a wine that the temp took out from the fridge. I told them, it may just be a can of Pepsi.  A interjected and said, why would the temp cover the Pepsi? They called in C. I excused myself and took one bottle of wine and tested her “theory” and I feel like it’s too long to be something that can be stacked with a coffee cup. A argued that the camera was facing down so it may look short. With much conviction, A concluded it was a bottle of wine. While they were busy discussing, I looked at other details like if it was a bottle, the temp's hands should be far spread in between to cover the length. I found that his hands were normal. B and D chimed in with their theory of making a hole in the cup and slotting in the bottleneck. All of which, I found extremely ridiculous.

I told D to make sure that no one from the team took the said bottle. He laughed at me. When I told D, that it might not be a bottle, A mocked me telling me my idea was stupid. She was zeroed in with the temp as a thief. I did not understand.

Suspecting someone is a dangerous thing. In itself, it causes damage to the person. It does not only make the person feel bad but feel injustice. He is being judged without proper trial. It also makes the accuser look bad as well, especially, if the accused never did anything wrong. In the end, E came and told us that he gave the bottles of wine to F.

Groupthink… it is such a fatal phenomenon. Emotionally and legally. You destroy someone's reputation based on a baseless accusation. And when you leave no room to be debated or questioned about your conclusion, you convict a person based on your assumption.

May we always find wisdom in assessing situations. Just because someone says something does not mean it's the truth. Marcus Aurelius, in his book of meditations, says “Everything you hear is an opinion, not a fact. And everything you see is a perception, not the truth.”

go on

I don’t dwell on missed opportunities.

Or at least I try not to.

I’ve always been a hard worker. The type who looks so chill and perhaps, the type who gets what she wants, just because. My sister always tells me that my pursuits look so easy to me. Lucky for me, she knows me and the hustles behind it. Behind the scenes, things are messy. It is always under construction with bits and pieces of something from somewhere. 

Behind every little milestone, is me struggling to make sense of the world around me. It is me thinking about how to attack a certain situation. I spend an inordinate amount of time breaking down a problem and providing countless solutions. Even then, I have always been that. Sometimes, I ponder why I must work double, or triple times harder than everyone else. I know I am competent, and maybe it comes with the territory, but it gets toasty (for lack of a better word).

Toasty because I seem to fight my way through everything. I must defy the odds just to get a spot. I must get through the rough to secure my shine. I have to go through the hole of the needle, EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. And when you’ve been doing it for a long time, alone… I’d say it gets tricky. I get tired of trying. Trying is fun when I get to choose it and not when I need to.

A few months ago, I was the frontrunner for a job. To get through that point, I have championed several exams and a nerve-wracking interview. I can confidently say that it was in the bag. I was the person about to get the job as they were just finalizing the offer. However, by some twist of horrible fate, I got dropped. I don’t want to get into the details as to why and how but one thing’s for sure, I was extremely disappointed by the turn of events.

When something like this happens, things just get the better of me. I get so tired of trying that I resort to quitting. At one point, I got to be in a mindset of questioning. “Why am I doing this?” “What’s the point in all of this?” Sometimes, it pivots to dropping everything, “F*ck it, I’m done!”

Yes, I get bitter. But then I think deeply about it.

Perhaps, it’s the universe telling me, there’s something better coming.

Historically, my silver lining in my attempts is the ability to somehow navigate through it and come out alive -- a winner, even. In my attempts, I learned so many things about myself. I learned to let go. I learned to choose what to think. I learned the degrees of bout or no bout at all. I learned to fight, unequivocally, or to take the first flight. Most importantly, I learned grace.

In whatever things were thrown at me, I learned to react with refinement. For example, when someone speaks ill against me, I don’t essentially cuss them. I feel sorry for them. It must have been sad that the only way to get ahead is for them to thump on someone. It's despairing to think about people destroying others just so they can build themselves. It’s the lowest of low. I don’t see power in that. I don’t see self-esteem either. I see the shit-scared faces of people who must've been neglected. Of course, you cannot spread love if you are devoid of it. To have that as a strategy to progress in life, stupidly believing it leads somewhere, it's regretful. Well, we all know how the story ALWAYS ends.

My goals are beyond me and there’s no stopping on that gas pedal for them to materialize. I may have missed opportunities even though God knows how hard I worked for them. However, I guess that’s exactly what I’m supposed to do. To try, just because I may have the ability to go far with them. 

I’m picking myself up, shaking the dust off, and moving forward with positivity that what is meant for me will always find me, with or without much effort. 

Snakey

People are not what they seem.

Sadly, it’s a reality that we must deal with, no matter how painful this can get.

My sister always tells me that I am a black-and-white type of person.  I am resolute in thinking just about the two ends. There was no gray area. I used to be so conflicted with the idea of a gray area. What does that mean? Well, she said, I see the world with firmness. I see the world with only two opposing sides, black or white, good, or evil, etc. I have not considered the gradient, the in-betweens, the undefined.

Growing up, I expressed strong opinions, chose between two sides, and settled with one or either side and for that, I got into multiple petty trouble. For the longest time, I have struggled to come to terms with seeing more than I could possibly see, choosing from different spectrums, and possibly settling with the unimaginable. I figured I needed an intervention. And boy, did an intervention come cheap? It did not.

I met with different people and shared various stories. I read numerous articles and tried to learn as much as I could about the world from different perspectives. In a grand display of this desire to learn more, I moved to another country. I lived, worked, and traveled some more. It is in these expeditions that I discovered so much about the world, the people living in it, and especially about myself.

I learned that the gray area comes when people’s words do not match their actions. I learned that even though I am genuine, not everyone shares the same fondness. Some people’s survival strategies involve being sneaky. Nice to your front, terrible to your back. Behind your back, they create stories, opinions, and speculations about you. At first, you laugh because it’s a laughable idea designed to blow your mind. You laugh because you never thought, any sane person would believe them. But the joke’s on you because not everyone is as smart as you are. They believe what is in plain sight. That’s convenient!

People’s opinions can sway your thoughts about yourself. Sure, it makes you doubt who you are and what you can do, but if you see through what’s within, you will realize that opinions, no matter where you are will always follow you. And that’s where they exactly belong, behind you because your goals should be what’s in front of you. In the same regard, people’s opinions can sway how you think about someone else. But I try to give that person the benefit of the doubt. I give that person a chance to prove herself/himself wrong because people’s opinions shouldn’t necessarily be the measure of his/her own humanity.

Situations may instigate different reactions. People whom you regard as comrades, someone you root for because you started together will turn out to be an enemy. Some of your people will be quick to judge, to drop you at their most convenient time. While you act with loyalty, some of them will turn you in for greater profit and personal gain. It will hurt you but know that the problem lies in them, not with you. You can’t do anything about them. You pat yourself; you deserved better.

Feelings go from Yes to absolutely No. Because our minds are wired to think about something in a gazillion ways, sometimes, our feelings get interconnected with it. There’s such a thing as “I don’t hate – HATE you.” From my previous self’s perspective, I’d go nuts, “What is he saying?” But now, I go, “I don’t – DON’T UNDERSTAND” you.  Okay, so you hate me to what extent?” I learned about degrees, clarification, and sublimation before abomination.

You help people who accept help. If a person refuses them, then scoot on. As much as you would like to offer aid to the fullest of your ability, you cannot walk the ends of the Earth for them. You cannot carry all their loads for them. You cannot live their lives for them. You help as much as they allow you to. You should not make them feel invalid.

The most important ally is yourself. What you feed to your soul should be a nourishment, not its cause of decay. Sure, you can have lovers, family, and friends but above everything else, it’s always yourself. You are your priority because you cannot provide aid for others if you also need a rescue. You cannot make someone complete if you feel depleted. You cannot give what you do not have. End of story.

It took me a long time to process where the gray areas lie. It’s an endless process of experiencing it as it comes but I understood what my sister meant. It made me think big. It made me allow room for mistakes. It made me seek less perfection. It helped me understand where I stand and what to expect. And trust me, I went back and forth with my trust issues. It’s still a battle half-won.

But even though I went through them and compartmentalized them, once in a while, I still get disappointed over humanity’s indecisiveness. It’s people’s nature to trust and get betrayed. It’s a vicious cycle. But I always remind myself, I am only responsible for my actions. I may act in complete regard but then again, it’s a lost cause if it’s a “them” over a “me” issue. 

hitting the brakes

I decided to make a big purchase.

There was someone who wanted to see the car today, but the seller suggested that we could meet last night, and I agreed. I met with the seller and the first thing that he did was to open the hood. That thing was funny, when I saw it, I just thought it was dirty and lacking any colors.

He expected me to check the engine, and pull up the dipstick to check the oils, perhaps? But before now I had no idea what a dipstick was. So, all I did was look at it on the surface. Never touched anything. Then I did a test drive. The car’s dashboard was too wide. I had to slow down and gauge whether I can fit into double parked cars in our street. Then I told the seller that I can hear a noise, but he said, we should try it on the highway. He drove. I can’t hear anything.

The seller might have thought I know about cars because prior to the meeting, I asked him several questions. I just asked him the things I remember from reading on the internet like the VIN and Carfax. Then he said, I do not have the Carfax. I told him that was okay. I might have been willing to shed out $ for it if it was the only way to check if the car is working. Then hours later he said, “I just paid $70, here is the Carfax” However, I have no idea what to check in this document. But I am surprised at his responsiveness. He complied with all my demands without qualms about it. I could say I am a little bit impressed. 

While on the drive, we talked about his job. His Hollywood moment. He was in Planet of the Apes. Believe me, I am unbelievably ignorant about films and movies and if there was one question about it in “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” as a contestant, that might have been the reason for my failure. Anyway, I just pretended I knew what Planet of the Apes was all about although I have no idea. LOL.

After that, I was and am convinced that he is such an interesting persona. I could feel that he is a good person. When we got back to the parking, I was excited to make the purchase. I had no cash with me and the banks as well as the auto plan were closed. We decided to do everything today.

When I told my dad last night, he said, “Are you sure about it?”. Well, I won’t lie and say that the purchase itself never kicked some thrill. It did. “I’m sure” I replied with a smile. Then I went to bed. An hour or so later I couldn’t help but think, “Is this right?” “Am I making a sound decision?” “Really Labli, buying without a mechanic inspection? Pure Genius.” I couldn’t sleep because my gut was telling me that while I believe the guy, I might have to pay a handsome price for maintenance later. The car and the guy are two separate things.

You know, I always pride myself as someone who reads and research about stuff and somehow makes it on the practical exam. But with cars, I just don’t know anything about it. So today, after my conflicting thoughts, I messaged the seller and honestly told him that we may have to do a PPI. He agreed. While I do not like last-minute changes, I have been glad to hit the brakes before the grand acceleration. Until then.

Hostage

So Last week was super intense. I had to do two nerve-wracking, make-it-or-break-it exams. To say that it was easy would be a lie. At one point, I wondered how I always subject myself to challenges and yet feel so short of unleashing my own true power.

When Heart E. mentioned  “I love it that I am not a hostage to anyone”, I felt that. In my case, I don’t want to be held hostage by my own feelings and fears. I’ve said it then and I am saying it now… one of my greatest fears is not realizing my full potential. I would want to dive headfirst and see if I can survive. And if I will, only then I could say that I have somehow, lived. I don’t want to curb my thirst for adventures just because it’s safe to stay on the shores. And for the longest time, my career has been the opposite of that. I felt restrained.

I never tried switching jobs in Singapore because I grew complacent. Why change a routine? I grew accustomed to a lifestyle that adapted well to the job that I was doing. I spend time together with the same people and worry about the same things.

Looking back now, I could’ve tried something else. I could’ve changed jobs and assessed which one fitted me best. I could’ve gone into dates and friendly rendezvous. The break came to me when I finally decided to quit. From there, I tried to follow the wind and set my own sail. It was one of the most liberating and grand experiences that I have tried.

Now that I am here, I want to try as many things as possible. I want to meet new tribes and gather new experiences. I thought about challenging myself to climb greater heights. I want to see where my guts take me. I want to go as far as I possibly can and never look back. Because it is through these pursuits that we would understand what we are built for. It is these pursuits that define the limits and miles that we can travel in this journey through life.

Say hello to your Uber driver

YAYYYYYY!

This is so surreal. I have been tensed since Sunday. The tension was severe that whenever I think about today, my hands and feet were cold in two seconds. No kidding.

I know I am lacking in so many aspects. First, I learned later in life. Second, I barely drive. Third, this fear. And so, I’ve been making illustrations of traffic lights for me to remember.

Come Monday, I was completely nervous. I reached out to friends, talked to coworkers, and asked for luck and importantly, prayers. At night, I did not want to burden myself with last-minute studying, so I just made myself busy doing my art. When I lay down in bed, I prayed continuously that I would be guided with wisdom. As I slept, I was going through simulations in my head. As a result, I barely slept.

Come D-day, I was surprised to wake up calm. Calmer than ever. I made coffee and sat for a little while. I quickly scanned through my notes and proceeded to freshen up.  I did an hour of practice before the exam and my instructor, Ruby, told me that I drove well. My parking was amazing, and my mistakes were barely noticeable. I did not want to hope too much so I just smiled and said, “Hopefully, I’d maintain it with the examiner”.

I was instructed to park in Bay 5. I had to go out of the car and do some paperwork. I went to the washroom and said a prayer or two about staying calm and remembering everything I learned from the past lessons. I head back to the car and did a quick pep talk with myself. “You cannot change what is bound to happen” echoed in my head. “Indeed, this is the point of no return!”, I muttered.

And then the examiner introduced himself. He asked. “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes” with a big smile on my face. This is where “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in to save the day, I thought. We did a prep test on signals and brakes. Then he got in and sat next to me. He asked for parking brakes to which I answered somewhat scripted. Blame it on my instructor, who always does this stuff! Then the examiner told me that we can go. I breathe in and breathe out, this is it!

As we approached the sidewalk, I did my full stop and he motioned to turn left. We veered onto the small streets. He asked me to turn right and turn left on various roads. The thing is, I am more confident in driving small streets because I always drove onto shortcuts and alleys back in the Philippines with tricycles, baskets, trash bins, and what-have-you parked on one or either side. I did my signals, and mirrors, and exaggerated my shoulder checks. Trust me, exaggerating shoulder checks is the norm for exams!

I don’t drive on highways back home, so it takes a long time to be comfortable driving into one here. Then he motioned for me to drive into the highway. When he said, to turn left on the stop, surprisingly, I did not feel the panic that I usually feel. I even had the chance to glance at the clouds, with rays of sunshine trying to break into them. The rays are much like me, in this situation, I contemplated. I am trying to break a mold trying my best to pass an exam where my instructor told me I had a 50-50 chance. As I maneuvered, everything just kind of made sense. I can clearly proceed on my left without one bit of hesitation.

Then the examiner told me to turn left to the small street and there I kind of felt, “Okay, I may have this in the bag already!” Few more turns and I was surprised to be heading back to the ICBC office. He told me to park the car in the last slot. I did. He then told me, “Congratulations, you passed!” I smiled and thanked him. I can’t believe, I passed. Me? With a 50-50 chance, passed?

At this point, I am elated. I am very grateful for this privilege. I never knew I had it in me. When I came back to the office, my coworker greeted me, “How was it?” I told him, "Say hello to your new driver!" We both laughed. LOL

You need to calm down

“What will be, will be.”, says my coworker for whom I have confided how tensed I am.

I have never been more nervous than tomorrow’s exam. I have done bigger exams like my IELTS or CELPIP which had a huge impact on my immigration status. But nothing compares to the thought that I am coming to an exam less of myself and more of an uncertain examinee. Although to be fair, I did employ an instructor and took six lessons, I still feel short of the skill.

My instructor told me, “I have to be honest; you have a 50-50 chance of passing, do you still want to go?” Stubborn as I am, I told her, “Yes, I cannot delay it any further.” It’s bringing me back to my Freshmen years when one failure had defined my entire college and one opinion had me doubt the entirety of my capability. So, when someone says, “You are not ready” I don’t necessarily believe them. It’s like me proving to them that the mold they procure was nothing but empty shackles to me.  It may be plain stupidity or natural curiosity on my part, really, but I want to experience it firsthand. The nerve-wracking element is given, for sure. But between thinking about failing and tasting failure, at this age, I’d have to say, I would taste failure and learn from it.

I thought about a long list of my mistakes. It’s a little something that I always forget like shoulder checks or signal lights on and off when changing lanes. But the bigger issue that I have yet to resolve is my confident left turns. I always found it hard to do left turns on big streets because I must be hyper-alert when to do it. Apparently, this city does not have a designated left green light all the time and to do it successfully, I must rely on gut and timing. How hard could it be? To some experienced drivers, it’s easy. To me? I always feel scared that my timing would be wrong.

My coworker explained, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Fail? That’s a small issue. You can do it again.” I wanted to interject and say “No, to cause an accident” but having this thought is me saying that I am preparing to fail 100% -- no buts or ifs. So, I kept quiet. Then he goes on to say, “You cannot change what is bound to happen.” And at that moment, I felt a click. Somewhat the universe telling me to just calm down and go with it. My fear cannot change things. My fear, instead of lifting me up, will be the perfect ingredient for disaster.

Compartmentalizing this fear and anxiety, I want to believe that this fear is healthy because it keeps me in check with my reality. It keeps me grounded about having goals and overcoming my inner turmoil to achieve them. I thought about the decisions that I’ve made thus far. Before moving to this city, I had the same exorbitant fear of the unknown. Had I kept on playing safe, I wouldn’t have reached new heights. My sister’s words were, “What’s there to fear? You cannot even afford a car!” Funny but that’s true, too. LOL

Amidst it all, I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I may be putting stress on a supposed drama-free activity. Taylor Swift’s “You need to calm down” echoes in my mind. True, I need to calm down. What will be, will be. 

Anger Management

I’m generally calm and cool.

But as I grow older, I found that another side of me is gradually coming out. I don’t know if it’s the hormones and moods or just generally an influence by my environment.

I don’t like being this but there are days when I become the HULK. I am becoming an angry person and that startles me.

I get angry with unreasonable people. I use to get scared of people demanding something from me. I worked in the customer service field for a long time and the role involves a lot of pacifying. When a VIP comes in and demands a thing or two to be done, pronto. It must be done pronto. But as I get more experience, I get tired of these foolish people. I get angry thinking about their kind’s privilege.

I’ve never worked in the BPO industry, but I get the exasperation of agents taking distressed calls from unreasonable callers. Today, someone called the office phone and started blabbering about how upset he was about a parking ticket. I did my best to hear him out, but he sounded too arrogant. He did not even call the correct number. I told him he should call the other property, but he stated, “I will sue you”. That perked my ears, I was about to shoot him “Then sue me” but I remembered Kondraty Ryleyev, a Russian poet whose punchline seemed great but was the cause of his demise. So, I said, “I’m sorry but don’t you think you are barking at the wrong tree?” In the end, I transferred his call because I am about to forget everything about my newfound philosophy the more, I spend time listening to him.

As I rewind what happened and how I reacted, I reflected on how I changed. It seemed to be a struggle to control my cool when I am provoked. I get so worked up like a volcano waiting to erupt. I seem to feel belittled, and I think that when you allow someone once, it sets precedence over all the disrespect that you are about to experience.

Patience… well, it used to be one of my strongest points. But these days, I’d say it’s wearing thin.

When someone says, “I am upset”, I don’t understand why I get to be the absorber. I don’t get why I need to accept their negativities. And I guess the reason is that I always try to paint coolness despite my own chaos and not lather them to everyone around me.

Taking cue on my past brushes with rage and anger, I found solace in this newfound philosophy. I learned that I do not need to react to every banter, action, and provocation the world is putting me into. I do not need to show feelings in every situation. I do not need to accept or reject. I can stay neutral. However, it is easier said than done. I have a long way to practice my philosophy and when the situation presents itself, I acknowledge that it is very challenging to remember everything I learned thus far.

I am a work in progress and battling with anger trying to consume me is part of the process. It’s a long way to go but trying my best has never failed me in my goals.

Project PreXXX

I want to have a social experiment to be another me. Version 2.0 in terms of worldliness. Whatever that means.

I want to be bolder, more social, and generally out there.

I would scrap the safe, guarded, and rational me for about a month. I want to try and be the opposite.

But how to do it?

My steps would be funny but considering how strange this project is, maybe I can convince myself of it.

Step 1. Research the avenues to reach out to people. Where to be “active” and not just a silent reader.

Step 2. Join a group and allow a person-to-person “meet up.”

Step 3. Engage in activities.

I don’t know the additional steps to this project. For now, I will call it “Project PreXXX”.

Should I do it?

selfish

I don’t want to give.

It may sound so egotistical but there would come a point in life wherein giving wears you out. I am not talking solely about the material things that you could provide but the time and effort you freely give to someone.

I read a random quote on the web and the particular line struck me: “Match my efforts”. It triggered a mental response right away. I am used to initiating communications, organizing meetings of sorts, and making sure that someone feels involved. The more I did it, the more it cemented the role as my regular. I was happy doing it, so I did not mind it until recently.

Communication is a two-way thing. It won’t work if I eagerly reach out and do not get a response. But I wondered, does it have to have a response? Do I really have to initiate communication? What if I just keep quiet? When I don’t hear from you, maybe it’s just the way things are. I don’t mean that friendship requires constant communication because I have good friends whom I do not talk for months and when we do, we remain close. But if the non-frequent communication with friends always starts with me, what’s the point?

Matching the efforts means not always doing the giving but also receiving.

I may be too amenable to all my relationships. For example, when someone wants yellow and I like red, I give in to choosing yellow in the end.

Oftentimes, I get asked last about my preferences because they’re used to me saying, “Yeah, it’s okay”. I am used to saying, “It’s okay” and that it sometimes becomes my auto-response. I don’t like being fussy so “it’s okay” is a perfect answer. But when I think about it, is it really okay?

I don’t like feeling greedy and pushing my choices. I couldn’t stand the guilt I feel every time I get my way while knowing that someone’s choice was rejected. So, I give in. I choose what someone chooses because it makes them happy.

Why do I do that? It chips off a little part of myself to always give way to someone’s preferences than mine. I realized it might not be healthy in the long run because gradually a series of little chips off would consume me whole.

A close friend once told me that my best trait is my selflessness. I was surprised. I didn’t know I was selfless, just amenable.

If you ask me, I don’t like being selfless. I hate to do the leg work. I don’t like unrequited efforts. Thinking about it, it sets a tone for my future relationships. And I would be honest to say that it doesn’t look one bit convenient. It becomes a one-sided union wherein I get emptied and the other overflowed.

I don’t want to continue the habit of sacrificing my own desires. I know it will dent my mental health.  I don’t want to continue suppressing myself and making others’ needs the priority. I want reciprocation.

I don’t like having many regrets so the best way to do so is to live my life, my way.

I want to be selfish. I want to prioritize my own. I want to look at my plate and see only what I like.

Getaway to home

“I need to get away!”

That’s my major thought one day when I woke up from a deep sleep. How could I not take a single vacation leave for a year? I wondered.

This comes after my stupid travel ban rule in the hopes of recovering financially.

However, the signs of burnout are showing – exhaustion, lethargy, and boredom.

I feel as though I am working for nothing. I could not possibly go on working because I know what I can do if I reach a certain limit.

I initially planned to travel to somewhere beautiful early this year. I made the plans, map out the places to go, and even go as far as booking my hotels. BUT… I changed my mind and opted to fly home instead. Going home is a long ride and a very expensive one at that. I am so used to coming home on a 3–4-hour flight but Canada is just so far. I was mentally preparing myself.

I have three weeks of vacation. I decided to take one week off to take my parents on a trip, much to their surprise. I made the plans myself and decided to tell them when everything was all set. I know they wanted South Korea but, in my mind, we have been there. I even stayed there for an extra week and went to the places I wanted to go in 2019. And even if it’s four years ago, I still remember it freshly because it was just before the pandemic, before the world froze, and before multiple travel bans were in place. I decided to go where I have not been into. I chose Taiwan.

I was supposed to do itineraries but so much happened before my flight home. I had to settle everything and when I did, I was too beat to plan Taiwan in detail. A day before the Taiwan trip, I had to mad dash to the PAL office by the airport to settle their sudden change of flight and the long layover that comes with it. I was referred to the manager and we had a good talk. It ended with him giving me his number for any issue that may arise later.

I had no time to sit and plan the itinerary. I went with winging it day by day. The “no-plan” plan.

While embarking on the plane, I was surprised to be seated on the preferred seats. Still thinking about what to do in Taiwan, my sister sent me screenshots of a vlogger’s itinerary. (I am not one to watch vlogs in my free time) so, sending me bits and pieces of those places, well, it helped a lot. I just had to choose from those places.

I took my parents to street food, malls, residential areas, castles, and parks. On our third day, we rented a private car which took us outside Taipei. We all enjoyed nature, the new scenery, and the photographs that we took. It was a very chill trip. I wanted them to feel relaxed and refreshed even if it means taking it slower than usual. Taiwan was a perfect choice to do the modern and the nature in one trip.

When I arrived back in the Philippines, I had two weeks and all of which are severe sunny days. Heat is my kryptonite, so I met friends for dinners. I had a grand time spending with the family, and it was what I really needed. I have switched dreamy places for home, but home is always the best place on Earth so no regrets there.

While there, I thought of three things: First, life is too short. Spend it wisely with people who choose you. Second, I must have money. Money is not everything, but it makes things possible. Lastly, I can’t go on without breaks. Period.

To each his own. Others may like cool kicks (I do too), some may like collecting expensive bags, and some find happiness in redecorating their houses or whatever but there are others whose happiness lies in travels. All are valid, everything is good. You do you and that’s essential. I needed a getaway, and I’m glad I did. 

Reluctance

Funny how I used to care about so many people before.

I’d like to be on the loop, to be in the know. But now as a levelheaded 30-ish, I come into terms about what I can control and what I cannot.

I care less about other people’s opinions because I was never one to do things based on other people’s feelings. I care less about a person’s story because it is not my personal experience. You may say I am uninterested. Yes, I am deeply uninterested about other people’s affairs unless they want me to be a part of it.

I admit it gets scary sometimes because I feel like I am closing off.

I don’t like forcing things or undefined anything. I don’t like undefined relationships, undefined preferences, or undefined intentions, among others. If you like me, sure! That’s great, we could be friends. If you don’t, that’s okay, too.

I’d like to think that the more I stay in the moment, the more focused I am to achieve meaningful experiences. I have always thought of life as a fleeting gift that needs to be savored while on it. I don’t like having a celebratory moment and yet feeling anxious about the looming sadness that comes after. I want to BE in that moment and worry about what comes after when I am ON it.

So, with people if I am your friend, I am your friend till the end. Unless you chose not to be. Shots won’t be fired on my end. You did it.

With realizing that there are things I cannot control, I let go.

I don’t dwell on reluctant people. I choose those who are sure about choosing me.

 

Secrecy and normalcy

I was watching "Sex and the City" last night, there’s this scene where Miranda told Mr. Big that both Carrie and he are crazy for deciding to get married.

And then, Mr. Big got cold feet and never showed up to the wedding.

Then Carrie’s best friends being her best friends, took her away for vacation.

Then six months after on Valentine’s Day, Miranda finally confessed that she may have said something that may have had a significant impact on Mr. Big’s cold feet demeanor.

Carrie was perplexed that Miranda did not tell her sooner. Miranda said she was waiting for the proper timing and Carrie told her that she should’ve tried to tell her every day. Carrie mentioned, “You know what hurts the most, it’s not because you told me six months after, it’s because you kept a secret from me when I never kept a single secret from you.”

This line… I could relate 100%.

I am conflicted with the idea of friendship.

At one point, I think that secrets go with the kind and level of friendship that we have. Of course, we do not expect someone to share his/her life story with a mere acquaintance. But when we take someone as one of our best friends, we expect openness with each other. We expect that there is a mutual understanding of not keeping secrets from each other. At least on my part, that's my major friendship takeaway.

However, if we add personality to the mix, the result may be different. If someone is secretive, asking him/her feels like we are prying into his/her affairs. It makes us feel as though we're exercising some sort of control over an unwilling participant.

Serious conversations demand honesty. We own our truth.

Like any sort of relationship, friendships operate in mutuality, in reciprocating what we receive. We do not take and take and never give anything in return, that’s not friendship. That is behaving like a spectator on someone’s life if not (and sorry for my term) a leech.

If truth be told, I have yet to find a balance between these kinds of friendships. I know for sure that I can’t change a person’s mind, but I can change mine. I am yet to explore the ideas around it. There are options to filter me and my truth OR not put much weight on this type of friend.

In any case of misfortune, I may have considered them my best friends but clearly, they may not have considered me theirs. I am not sure whether to take it at face value, leave it as it is or leave it and never look back.

"Sex and the City" has never made this much impact on me until last night. Was it for good or for bad? I don't know. 

Forums

I admit I am a fan of Reddit.

It takes me back to a time when forums were the first form of social media interaction. If truth be told, I was once a member of Sarah Geronimo’s fan forum. LOL. No kidding! Yes, I did that.

The forums are interesting. It feels like a community of people sharing information, getting answers to their questions, or just people broadcasting their admiration for something or someone, somewhere.

Anyway, so I am not a regular commenter on Reddit. I am more of the silent lurker type. However, last night I had the burning curiosity to type in a question. It was a wholesome inquiry into places here in Vancouver.

Being new here with limited transportation options, I have not been to many local places. I wanted to explore this city and get the most out of it. I do not want to be a tourist even after years of living here. I wanted to know the inside information, somewhat like the local guide to sumptuous meals, hole-in-the-wall places, etc. I was surprised to have received so many comments. There were so many places I have never even heard of.

Most comments were mentioning dining alone and taking a spot in the bar. I was curious. I have never taken a spot in the bar, much more, alone. It made me think about doing it. I have read somewhere about the importance of challenging oneself and taking on things you thought would be uncomfortable, and I think I just got the lead!

Let’s see how it goes, for now, I have to say, I am taking notes on these places hoping to visit some of them in the nearest future!

Forums, are they helpful? Well, I’d say depends on what you put there!

Gratefulness as an option

“When gratefulness is an option, always choose it every time.”

This was the line that struck me in Anne Hathaway’s magazine interview.

Life is a series of decisions. Sometimes, we make good ones and stumble upon bad ones. Some bad decisions, we know from the start and still pushed on, and others, well, we thought it was good until it went bad, OR it was good but ended up bad. Because of life’s unpredictability, we try to forge paths never really knowing what happens next.

But it is in this unpredictability that life becomes life. We either rise above the occasion, stay safe, or get let down. When we understand that nothing stays permanent, we do our best to go with the flow. No amount of happiness nor sadness stays forever.

The same is true with our experiences. For mine, I have had thoughts about how something I really wanted never materialized. It’s like having all the ingredients and all I must do is boil them together. However, by some twist of fate, the stove had malfunctioned. I was left disillusioned and probably regretted why I never started it earlier. But as I look back and really digest what happened, it was not meant to happen at all, I was meant to be invited to a four-course dinner!

I realized that the little mishaps and the frustrations were nothing but a slice of spice. In the grand scheme of things, those that I thought I lost were not mine to begin with. What’s funny is that the things that I thought were near impossible to acquire, I got them.

Circling life, I have built an attitude of gratitude. I believe that what’s meant for me will ALWAYS find me, no matter where I am in life. And although sometimes I miss the signals, I always try to pause and detach myself and recalibrate what is important to me. I am grateful for the missed chances, all my “almost” and my wrong turns because they prepared me to be the woman I am today.

It would be a lie to say that I don’t get consumed with negativity when I am going through difficult times. Most often, I would be swallowed by it. However, I try to remember that diamonds come from the rough. It achieved its shine by going through a rough process to smoothen its edges.

When there is gratitude, we try to look at life through a different lens. Sure, it is not all the glitters and gold but the values and lessons that I have learned after every downfall, heartache, heartbreak, and failure carried me through life. 

The nice one

I hate that I must be the nice one.

Nice, as in, the recipient of trivial gossip, the person who can always be a target for anything and everything unbelievably insane.

I’ve always shied away from gossip. I don’t want to get myself involved in useless conversations where the main objective is to create a story about someone else – the goal would be to tell it in the most creative way possible – unfortunately, the worse, the better. I don’t like talking about a colleague, an acquaintance, or a friend of mine in a way that makes me question my own loyalty.

I don’t like being name-dropped in malicious conversations. When the message has been relayed and they single out who was the source, I don’t want it to be me.  I just don’t like how it makes me feel – cheap and village-y.

I have packaged myself with the dignity and competence of a grown woman who can hold her own. I have always thought of myself as someone who can say a thing and be completely honest and accountable for it. I made sound decisions that could propel me to, albeit slowly, put myself ahead of my tribe. I have made goals and challenged myself to make them come true.

I pride myself as independent, level-headed, and competent. I don’t need smearing campaigns to gain something. I already gained everything I ever had from doing hard work, sheer luck, and without the need to bring somebody down. It’s never my MO. Somehow, I made who I am by my own strength – without hanging the possibility of progress over someone else’s resources.

But because I am tagged as NICE – I get targeted by people who can never accept that their own fate is their own doing. I get annihilated because they think I don’t fight back.

Firstly, I was not born yesterday. Secondly, I got to where I am now not because I ALWAYS chose to be safe. Lastly, I choose my battles.

You could say I am nice, but no one is ever too nice if push comes to a shove.