Ambitions

Sayang ka!

Wow, words I think I do not want to hear. Words I expect not to hear from people who knows me best especially when it pertains to currently made decisions. I think that it provokes regrets and disappointment. It provokes lowliness rather than rising up.

But sometimes, it provokes better thinking...

We were having lunch in our very own office pantry and our boss joined us. I was silent for awhile as I am worried about the upcoming school exam. I just sat there, staring at the wall point-blankly. Then I heard my boss said something. I did not mind because I thought she was talking to my other mate. I heard her mumble, "Pee!" so I looked at her and she told me...

"What is your ambition?"

I was surprised and said "So random, Why do you ask ma'am?" She told me that she was just curious. And I said, "Well, one thing's for sure, I never imagined myself in a bank. I was just devastatingly tempted to apply for it because my friends are here and the training is in Manila" She laughed and told me the words that truly got my attention...

"Sayang ka!, If I had a face, a built and a height like that, I would've applied for the right job" And I was like, "what do you mean ma'am?" She then told me, "Well, I can see that your personality is not much of a banker type, those typical attitude, yours is more of the people-person, adventurous, fun-loving, very light, I can see that in Facebook" and there I laughed so hard. The Facebook got her, Marami na kami!

The lunch went on with a lot of sharing. The super spacious pantry (as in knee to head lang ang distance) was filled with intriguing questions. I shared that I want to go somewhere, start something out, go here and there, they too agreed but really in the end, the words of my boss hit me.

See, if she can see that in me, then it must be true. My world belongs to a more creative and productive niche.

Anyway, my motto for now is "steady, steady lang". I know that God has bigger plans for me. If I really belong to the world of showbiz (carry mo?) I really belong to it no matter what. hahaha

Basta, someday there's nothing to prove because I know there's something in store for me. I think that I have a bigger purpose. I think that the goals I set fall short of that bigger purpose. (hmmnn, so go na sa convent? hehe)

Sayang ako, Sayang ako pag hindi magiging sayo! (yan ang attitude!) =)))

moving out

Realizations...

Everyday is a realization. One moment it hit me, the next it does again. Sometimes I begin to wonder, I think I'm thinking too much.

So here comes the fact that I am really interested to go abroad.

Perhaps, I could find a work there,live and settle. I don't know. I am really tempted to explore the world. It is within my reach. But what's stopping me is the thought of my parents. I mean, I could not just move out and transfer someplace else. My mom's health is unpredictable. Pop's with her. I feel that I am to stay beside them. I feel that I have the purpose to stick with them whatever happens.

The confusion is between my goals and sticking to home. I am young, If there's something young people do, it is to explore the world outside the box. Alright, I do have my share of those fair trips but what if I want to stay longer in such a place? I think I am compelled to just stay where I am right now.

The thought kills me because I want to be happy. It's not as if I am unhappy about things but I need to try it on my own. This may be a lame excuse and a fool's idea but I am not running away. What I want is to be independent. I want to know my limits and perhaps take full charge of my daily activities. This sounds rather absurd coming from a twenty three year old, but darn! that's what I want.

Anyway, I have made initial plans about it. I know it's never easy. But when will I try? When will i risk? When I am older? See, the clock is ticking. As much as I want to think that I am happy and contented with my career and the series of events in my life, I need to just dive. I need to try or I might end up with series of "what-ifs".

Sometimes I think that my mind is overused as it comes to realizations. Could it be possible to realize with your heart? Or boom, with the heart through the mind? Because If that's the case, both my mind and heart is overused. :/

Till we meet again

If it's meant to be, then it is meant to be...

The irony of it all is that, even sayings, quotes or whatever you call it, has its own counterpart. In this case, "It's you who make your own destiny."

Isn't it confusing? complicated? and extremely doubtful? Ah... the true meaning of life.

So now to the story proper...

A good friend finally decided to take off. She has finally decided to just let go and dive. I remembered the night she texted me and said, "Pee, I have told them" and surprised, I am not. I have been expecting it. In fact, I have expected it to happen early on.

We were two separate individuals bonded by the career we chose. We met years ago in college and haven't really known each other until the moment we sat in the airport waiting for our jet. That was almost three years ago. But perhaps it was destiny. I remembered applying for another bank before graduation. I had my interview days after. One day, I went there and talked to the personnel and while I was leaving, she came by the door, looked at me, never with a smile. The rest, I swear I told myself she was a snob.

Later, I found out, just like me, she was in the same company that I am in. We took the training hand-in-hand. Days grew and I got to know her. We have shared various memories. And most often than not, It makes me smile. The way she blurts out her remarks, the so-lady-like moves, the rapid facial expressions. I knew she was different. I was shocked we shared the same workplace. Day by day, it's her that I get to see and talk to. She have become a good good friend. I found my "kakampi" in her. And now, after two years... I am to be alone.

I wonder what would my career life be without her. I wonder if the branch is still the same without her. I wonder if I ever find someone who can be so weird as her. This is one of the times in my life why I always thought that attachments can become really burdensome. This is one of those that I wished I have really prepared for. I hate goodbyes.

It sounds really selfish, but I found comfort in the fact that I have her behind me and vice versa. We shared secrets and even talk about it secretly in the workplace. Our office mates would wonder what we are up to. Sometimes, mouthing words and whispering things we share in common. Those comforts you can only share with not just an office mate but a friend, in and out of the office.

Reminiscing the moments would be painful because as much as I would like things to be the same, there will always be movement. A chance for growth. An opportunity to widen the perspective. And that happens now.

Sometimes, I get to wonder, will I able find the courage to risk it all? To close my eyes and just dive? To make my mind go blank and just flow? To leave everything and begin from scratch? I wish I have the courage. I wish my mind doesn't do all the thinking. I wish my spirit will consent. I wish I would never hear anything from anyone saying "Sayang!"

Ah. Seriously, I think that the thought we had of leaving the career we chose would be materialized and the materialization would be a natural thing. But as I can see, it is really really difficult. I cannot imagine myself zero. I cannot imagine myself thinking and thinking all over again of my rough future. Someone would yell at me, "You lummox! What do you think will you be doing now that you are jobless?" Ah. I wouldn't dare. I am scared.

Oh well. Cowardice is a choice. Or perhaps if I wanted to make a mistake, I should have done it earlier. Or maybe, this is the best time for me to make a mistake and leave, go where the path leads me. What path? See... I am lost.

But there's no worst feeling of being lost than losing someone who had been a very special part of you. But as much as I feel really pathetic, I would like to share the joy of her being completely free. The liberation sure is excruciating. Ah... I can feel it but not as much as she would soon.

Anyway, as I said, should it be destiny, we will see each other again. Same persons, same bonding, different career path. Till we meet again, future FA! (or is it travel agents for free travels?) :D

kanta-a-mahirap

Kahit nais kong magsulat na gamit ang wikang Ingles, sisikapin ko sa pangatlong pagkakataon ang magsulat sa wikang aking nakagisnan.

Kung tutuusin siguro'y kung wala ang telebisyon at radyo, pati mga pahayagan, malamang di ko naman tlaga matututunang magsalita nito. Paano'y sa aming pook, bisaya naman talaga ang pangunahing dayalekto.

Subalit, ang aking pagsulat ay tungkol sa isang napipintong paglalakwatsa este pagkakaroon ng pagkakataong mag aral ng kultura, ng ibang lahi at makatagpo ng mga bagong kakilala. Hindi naman paglalakwatsa yun diba? Datapwat ito'y isang mahalagang kaganapan. Iyon bang maaari mong balik balikan sa iyong gunita kung ikaw'y matanda na at nakaupo na lamang sa silya habang naggagantsilyo.

Ang aking mga paglalakbay ay sadyang napakaespesyal. Lalong dumaraming napupuntahan, lalong maraming natututunan. Para sa akin, ito'y lakbay-aral. Maaaring sa iba'y ito'y ganap na kapritso lamang. Pagsasayang hindi lamang ng pera kundi ng panahon. Ngunit, ito ang masasabi ko, Nandoon ba sila kasama ko? Naramdaman ba nila ang kasiyahang dulot ng mga ito? Ang magmasid, maglakad, makihalubilo at matutong magpahalaga ng buhay sapagkat ito'y maikli lamang? Naramdaman ba nila ang kasiyahang, masidkubre na ang mundo'y hindi lamang umiikot sa sarili? Na ang mundo'y bilog at marami ang nagmamay ari?

Maari ngang naramdaman nila yun ngunit hindi sa pamamagitan ng paglalakbay. Sabagay, ang ugat ng kasiyahan ay sa iba't ibang lebel. Ito ay nasa iba't ibang intensidad. Para sa akin, ang bawat paglalakbay ay nagsasaad ng iba't ibang anggulo ng aking buhay. Bakit ko ipagkakait ang pagkakataong mabuhay sa labas ng iginuhit na kahon? Bakit ko ipagdadamot sa sarili ko ang kaligayahang makita at matamasa ang aking tagumpay? Tayong mga tao ay may iba't ibang hilig. Kung ang iba'y maubos na ang pera sa pagbibili ng mga mamahaling pabango, bag at sapatos, ako'y hindi. Sa paglalakbay ang aking bisyo.

Ewan ko ba, minsan naiisip ko din, kung inipon ko ang lahat ng perang aking iginastos sa mga pagpunta punta sa mga lugar, malamang, makapal ang pitaka ko, ilang numero na din ang laman ng aking account sa bangko. Siyempre, nakakapanghinayang. Sa tagal kong pagtatrabaho, kung iisipin, wala akong yamang naipundar. Wala akong perang libu-libo. Ang alam kong mayroon ako ay... isanlibo't isanlaksa ng mga alaala. Milyunaryo ako sa larawan. Bilyunaryo ako sa karanasan. Ang bawat larawan ay nagsasaad ng napakaraming kwento. Ang alam ko lang, marami akong maibabahagi sa aking mga apo pag nagkataon.

Bakit ba napunta na sa alaala ang kwentong ito? Ah, basta ang napipinto kong paglalayag ay espesyal sa akin. Sana... Sana... ah basta! Sa ngayon, ang mga daliri ko'y pinagkrus ko na. Malapit na. Hindi pa nga ito panahon ng paggantsilyo, marami pang didiskubrehing pasilyo sa kastilyo! =)

keeping mum

Words are indispensable.

In my case, it's complicatedly beyond indispensability.

Sometimes, talking does all the stuffs leaving no room for discovery later on. Where is the surprise in that? Where is the mind-boggling mystery yet to be discovered? Where is the drive to delve deeper to get the whole picture? You see, talking just preempts everything.

Something happened? Not that it's life threatening.

Perhaps, I am just being paranoid. Oh well, a long list of realization. Hear this out! I realized...

...It's high time for me to just be silent from time to time. The problem lies in the sharing of thoughts and later on commanding the topic. It isn't right. Although, it could be fun but it just eliminates the ability of the others to share.

...that the more sharing goes on, the more stories are coming out which should not be told. At least not in a way that could trigger more and more questions, and yes, intrigues.

...that sometimes, my words are used against me. A simple joke can become a fact. It's relayed that fast. Message Relay much? Why do I get this feeling of being taken seriously when I am joking and being taken jokingly when I am serious? Now, I'm confused.

Little do they know about me, or there's probably something within the expression, the delivery, the manner of talking etc. There's probably something with the spark of the eyes, the movement of the lips, the mischief. Really, sometimes I get to be judged just because I have a grim face. And yes, I am oftentimes labeled as a snob. I don't know, I'm sure it's got to do with the face.

Now my solution is to talk less. Perhaps, blogging more? At least in here, this is my private space. A domain for my thoughts. Hmn, the reason why I posted this blog's link and erased it in my facebook profile. I thought, my privacy might be invaded.

Anyhow, "Words can become daggers", that is so true. But I wish to live by "Words like music, eases the burden, strengthens the soul and do away sorrow."

Talk talk talk! =)

love less

And when I asked, "Are you an NBSB no more?"

she replied, "Officially, Today!"

Whoa! So there begins the love story of a recently Ex-NBSB. Exciting, what an understatement. I'm elated., ecstatic, blissful, words that would mean same thing as overly excited and on a super high. After twenty three years, coming out of the shell is quite liberating.

Imagine the barriers you set, the defenses you built and the barricades you created, the things you do for self-protection and perhaps, pain control mechanisms. It's not that easy to let go of all that. It's never easy to gamble especially if it involves feelings. It's like in finance, it depends whether you take the chance and gamble your money on a more risky investment with a promise of bigger income or you take up steady investments, safe capital, less income. It's a crossroad. It's a mind game. It's a game of chance.

Forgive me but I know I am not in the position to state how it feels like but believe me, it's how I feel. Loving someone, romantically that is, is an investment. You win some, you lose more. But it surely depends right? It depends on the cock you are betting on, it depends on the probability of a successful relationship which by the way is to be worked out for both the two of you.

I don't exactly know if I am ready to bet on any cock. I don't think I have the gift of a good judge of character. I am more of the go-whatever-come-what-may type. He who cosmes is he who conquers. Whatever.

But anyhow, I am just happy. I am happy that a new chapter has just began. I am happy thinking that she is happy. I am excited because she is excited. I don't know where it leads her but who would know other than those two people involved in a relationship right?

As for me, the hopes are kinda low. But it doesn't mean, I completely gave up on the idea of that. It's just that, priorities are all mixed up. Less time for love. Whenever it happens, I'd be one lucky hen. Oh crap, did I say hen? I mean, chick!

So there, goodluck my recently NBSB-NO-MORE friend. You deserve the best!

(Perhaps, that's the reason why you have me? )

This Sem Beer

Is it just me or Is it the weather?

December's fast approaching and by that, it doesn't only mean saving more but trying even more. Trying what? Well, perhaps trying to continue every good thing, trying to spend more time with the ones you love, trying to lend a hand or maybe, trying to find a new flame. This world is surely about trying. Every trying begets a result.

The nights seem to be colder, start of the hustle and bustle of city streets. People getting into the rush. Floods of smiles coming up. You know, December means love. It means going out of the orddinary routine and just showing the world how to be happy. If all people would just think like that, It'll be a better world to live in. But sadly, it's too good to be true.

But even so, I love December. I love how busy I am even if the bank pours out all of my energy in a day. I love how the christmas lights do twinkle. There's an inner joy felt in that. I love how the lanterns do shimmer and how the trees grow greener. I just love how it feels. I love Santa Claus. I love Rudolf. I love how passionate people are in doing crafts for decors. I love advent. But most especially, I love how my family gathers during this time of the year. I love everything about it. It feels heavenly. It's as if the things just fall in order.

Maybe if God permits, when I get to wed someone I love, the wedding will be set on December. Just like my mom and dad's wedding. I would make a snow-themed wedding, all white and sparkling. I would pair it with silver. Ah, to dream, it feels so good. But reality check, not possible for now. Why? simple obvious as usual reason.

Anyhow, the weather gets colder, I feel a little older, wants to get bolder and needs someone's shoulder. Whatever, I love December! =)