same same

And I’ve got not one but FOUR message notifications in my FB. Checking, I found it was from a good friend.

She said “Hey Pre! How are you?”

Second message: “I’m just a bit low, I’m depressed. My heart aches, I hate that guy”

Third message: “He led me on. It hurts. I feel like crying every time.”

Fourth message: “the worst part is I’ve completely fallen for him, it’s so painful, I want to cry now but I can’t, my family’s here. I need someone to talk to.”

then came my reply “Hey you! I’m okay, like you, I’m sorting things out for myself. Talk to me, what happened? Is he the same guy you were talking about last week?”

She said, “Yeah, same guy, the guy who told me promises. You know what, I saw his picture with another girl, seemed to be so happy, the girl even liked the picture. That girl!”

Well well well, oh well… Back in my memory lane, I was the same girl who reacted that way, over a boy I liked. I felt so bad that I never talked to him then a friend told me, “Itanong mo kung sino, hindi yung para kang girlfriend na nakatingin sa labas ng bintana” Like seriously?!?

Selos… it’s a very strong emotion. Kinakain nya pati buto, parang bacteria lang na pumapasok at nagkoconsume ng buong sistema. What is the cure for jealousy? Kung alam ko lang, e matagal ko nang tinungga at nang matapos ang mga unnecessary paghihirap.

It’s just hard to open you mouth and ask. Sabi nila, “don’t ask if you’re not ready to take the answer.” So there, I found my peace in not asking anything. Though within me, I knew na there was something special about the picture. My instincts answered for me and I couldn’t dare confirm it through the devil’s mouth. Mahirap pala yung ganun, yung aasa ka na magiging faithful sayo, holding on to his words of affections and sweet little nothings, but in the end, dip ala napapanindigan. Masakit isipin that you’ve invested your time and energy even In thinking about him.

So I told my friend, “Are you sure? I-sure mo muna, bago ka magreact nang ganyan, why? ‘cause maybe your wasting your time overthinking sa kung anung merely nakikita mo. If yes, then please do yourself a favour and get away from that guy. He doesn’t deserve a person as special as you are. That monster!”

She said “you know, di madali.”

I said, “I know. I feel for you. Been there and is STILL there.”

She replied, “huh? Really? Who? How? Why?”

I said, “Just like you, I was promised. I thought it was special but then I thought wrong kaya wag ka nang umasa pa. I’m getting over it. The best way I can”

She said, “really? HAHAHAHA! Feels good to know it’s just not me.”

Hay kaloka, sa lahat ba ng mga kamalasan sa usaping pampuso kailangan talaga involved ang LOLA mo? But I’m thinking of it as a different perspective, at least naman, someone out there is inspired by my misfortunes in love. Kahit naman, failure nalang yung contribution ko to make someone’s day better and to lessen her pain, sige na nga! 

mouth

Wrong move.

It’s wrong to share heart problems to friends, even close ones.

I’ve never been vocal about my feelings and I should’ve maintained it that way. But this stupid mouth spoke and the words reverberating through and through.

I hate myself for being such a big mouth. Some things are meant to be kept. It’s easier that way. The more you share the more chances of having those things remembered. Why share when you can keep it?

It’s a burden and I thought it’s something more easily to deal with when you share it with your closest friends. But lately, I don’t think it’s working for me. It was a complete wrong. I should’ve kept mum so I’ll have peace.

The thing is I am somebody who’s conscious about my mistakes. I know I made a bad choice but someone shouldn’t shove It to my face, I feel as though I am being judged out rightly. I made the recognition of the bad so I don’t need someone to remind me about it.

I’m hard- headed. I am as stubborn as a bull and I don’t want to be directed upon. So please, as harsh as I can be, I need to tell you this…

I recognize that I was an idiot. It was a momentary lapse of judgment. To be honest, I paid more than what’s due because of that stupid mistake. I don’t need someone to push it in. It was foolish and I was a fool to let it happen.

The damage has been done and I don’t think I am defined by the single mistake I made. I am not prude or anything. I make mistakes by and by. It’s disappointing but it happened. There’s no other way but to move on.

Kung ako nga, trying to fix the pieces dba? Thanks for the concern anyway, but believe me. I thought about it through and through and I acknowledged my mistake.

haist

You don’t deserve me.

I know it sounds a bit idealistic on my part, but that’s what it is. You don’t deserve me and the feelings I have for you, whatever it may be.

Sometimes, it takes a trip to open your eyes and see the reality in zoom in, pan out, fade background and focus subject- kind of scene. I made a trip, and it helped me assess who I am. Thanks to your initiation.

Why do two different beginnings end the same way?

And in both endings, I am left broken and scathed in so many ways. I am the losing end. Always.

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve feeling like I am not capable of sustaining any romantic relationship.
Alam mo yung, I have tried to make an effort. I’ve gone out of my way to meet someone halfway and yet, it still goes down the drain. I was left hanging.

I am not writing to sour grape and perhaps compare myself to others, but really, sometimes, I feel as though I will never get what or who I want. To the very least, I don’t want to be bitter about it, but I can’t help it. I don’t get who I want who agrees within my terms.

Surely, Life is a paradox. I live to love and end up being hurt. I like someone who likes me back in the beginning but end up with another woman. Someone likes me but I like to have him as a friend and nothing else. Someone loved me, loves me until now but I hate him to his core (or not). Someone wants to be with me but I’d like to be alone.

I don’t understand. I find it incomprehensible in wherever angle I see it.

I’m hurting and I feel pity over unprecedented events particularly on my love life.

To wait. Tell it to the marines! I’m so tired of waiting and every time, it gets me misled. It’s tiring and frustrating.

So they said, be patient, be still, be busy. Whatever!

responsibility

Sense of responsibility.

I’ve been working my ass off for the last 5 years of my life. I’ve been here and there, enjoyed and depressed about tiny fibres of life.

Through the years, I’ve been very careful about the idea of investing. I invested much on memories than the tangible things. I regret nothing about it. I love my life. I live every single day for memories that I accumulate one day at a time.

My realization is this: At 25, I feel that it is the time to invest on something for long-term.

I chatted with a friend and she shared about the car loan she’s having for her parents. Wow! Such a big step. Honestly, I’ve been evasive with loans. I feel as though I am obliged to work the hardest and the pressure would swallow me eventually.

I learned that I am afraid of commitments. I am afraid of being strapped into something I am not sure I’d hold onto longer.

It boils down to one thing: FEAR. I fear for the future. I fear about the uncertainties that come along with it. Now I begin to understand what my mom told me when I was younger…

“We choose not to get a subdivision lot because it’s 25 years to pay and your dad’s job isn’t that stable.”

I would agree because I know the consequences of getting loans. I promised myself not to engage in loans as much as I can. But right now, the idea is obsolete. I cannot acquire something unless I pay for it half of my life.

Which brings me to a point, why should I be afraid of the uncertainties when these are indispensable?

Life is how we make it. 5 years, 10 years, or even 25 years may be too much but time passes fast.

I hope I get to achieve what I want and set aside my worries and doubts. When will I begin? When it’s too late and I’ve got much to regret?

leap

Read again.

You told me to exactly do that but I told you I cannot.

Sometimes, the more you go over it again, the more words become too define to stab your heart. I refused to reread all that we’ve talked about. It hurts to read such promising words and end up in a completely opposite direction.

There’s no single day that I can’t think of you. Sometimes I feel all these hurt and pain are just figments of my imagination that it was not real and I am not experiencing what I feel as of the moment. In denial, they say. It’s so hard to move on from here. I’m like a worm trying to crawl out to a hole about a kilometre far.

Frankly, we talked and I felt happy. Somehow, my burdens are taken out from me. I have so much to say but I kept it for so long because I don’t want to sound desperate. Why would I push myself in? But since you asked for it, it’s a good feeling to tell you those things. It’s like coming out from my shell. A growth in my kind of person and I thank you for that.

Time heals all wounds, cliché. But if I can wish a thing right now, that is exactly what I want. To be healed and see love in a different, positive light. To be honest, I am drawn to think that my destiny is to fall for a guy who can’t and won’t be mine. It alarms me.

My good friend told me “You know what the problem with you is, you take things seriously. You’re too stiff, loosen up a bit”

I guess she’s right. All this time, I think I always think of something too much.

It’s tiring to think of the could’ve beens so I’ll rest my case. Maybe it’s time not to take a grip of something too much rather, I’ll learn to let go and take many more leaps of faith, with open or closed eyes!  

ninja

Ayoko ng ganito.

Ayokong para akong kept woman na nakikipagsabayan. Ayokong para akong isa sa mga sapatos na kayang ilagay on the side while you are busy trying out the new ones.

Ang daming mga bagay bagay na gumugulo saking isipan. If you talk to someone you liked from the past, are you an accomplice to his cheating? Of course I don’t mean talk in a friendly way but talk about his feelings, his plans and even his want to be with you… and he’s committed (may gf na)!

Sa totoo lang, ayoko talagang mainvolve. I talked to him because I want to have closure. The kind of peace that would lull me to sleep and not the kind of anger that makes me uneasy and alive during most nights. Ang sagwang pakinggan yung closure kasi never naman naging in a relationship but ganyan pala talaga. Somehow, may mga thoughts at words kang left unsaid nung mga times na pwede mo sanang sabihin. And now that things have changed mahirap ng ilabas sa bibig ‘cause it might stir a lot of emotions especially now that he’s in a relationship with somebody else.

I feel so weird sometimes kasi parang ang gaan ng feeling, it’s like I’ve accepted na the fact that we aren’t meant to be together but minsan I get so sad to think about how it failed. I decided not to communicate kasi nga ayokong maging third wheel. Di ko deserve.

But you manage to encourage me to say what I really feel. You managed to let me open up a bit from myself. I’m not usually chatty with my deepest emotions. I’m just comfortable with keeping it myself and not giving any trace of pain that I’m going through to anyone. But since I’m a bit older, might as well, try to spill some of the beans.

Yes, I got hurt because I thought I reserved myself to someone who’ll wait for me. And for the first time in so many years, I liked someone who likes me back. I hold it in my heart to find comfort in your words. The moment I come home, I know I have someone who’ll be with me. I imagined, I made plans with you. I think of you every single day and longed to be with you soon. But all went black. You are with somebody else now. How am I supposed to feel? To react?

And you asked why only now that I got to say those things to you? Pride you say? I say… you’re an idiot. How stupid can you be not to get my signs? Or baka excuse mo lang to so you can blame me?

I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to cry a hundred times for spilled milk that wasn’t even mine. I can’t keep up with all the flirting (if yun lang purpose mo). I can’t compete to being popular with so many of the opposite sex. I am a lousy subject. And worst, don’t think as if you can bag me side by side with your gf. It won’t happen.

If truth be told, I think I’ve got more class and finesse just to be an option. Di bagay. I always tell myself that I am better off with someone more easygoing, yung di kagaya ng weirdness ko. I don’t think I need someone whose words aren’t kept. At di sa nagbubuhat ng bangko, but I’ve got more value.

Ayoko ng ganito. Please stop making false pretenses and let me live like I used to. I’m sane enough to accept things and leave it as it is. Kahit nasasaktan, I know it’ll all pass. And by the way, NINJA is my last name!

temptation

Temptation.

This word does not cover all the opportunities for shopping and the must-have things I’m dying to buy. This is not about the trips here and there that I’m waiting to have my tickets paid for and surely, this is not about the sumptuous meals I can’t wait to have my teeth on. This will cover lost and recurring letseng pag-ibig.

I have a good friend who told me “I know he’s got a gf but I love him and I want to be with him” and I vehemently replied “there’s no way I’m hearing stuffs like that from you. You, of all people?” I was shaken and did a recall on what we were on our younger days. Gosh I just can’t believe my good friend is willing to be an option rather than a primary reason.

For how can a girl of good values, clean record and coming from a decent, well off family would ever think of just being put in the side while the guy enjoys having his main course? I couldn’t process it. I was disappointed and frustrated. I know her; she’s one of the best girls I ever have.

We cannot predict what happens in the future. We may never say never ‘cause most often than not, the test is just too strong to resist and before we know it, we are doing what we thought would be absurd and a nuisance. Recently, I had a major turbulence.

The moment I learned the fact, I vowed not to talk to him again. To be honest, it hurts me to think that it ended before it even began. To wait for something for so long and end up with nothing. Ouch. That moment, I felt like a paper shattered by water. It seeps in, I still feel complete but the moment I got the idea of it all, I am slowly turning into pieces.

Anyway, it still hurts me to think about it and I cannot dare to share a bit more details. But recently, there has been a twist of events. We talked. Somehow, it made me feel relieved. It’s like a piece of me is brought out from my shell. I cannot change anything about it but I sure can let him know how I felt.

I mean, dati naisip ko it’s better to keep mum about things. I better drown myself with my sorrow ‘cause I know that’s the best thing for me to do. Wala nang magagawa pa whatever I say. But he said it was important that I say something about it. We argued and I admit I’m mistaken. Once and for all, I just want to say things I ought to bury. I know it’s too late but at least for once, I’m exploring myself to be calmer and mature as I ever was.

It shocked me to know about his side. Honestly I don’t know if there’s some truth about him telling me how he really wanted me so bad. If he liked me hard enough, he won’t even get himself a gf right?

Anyway, I’m not the type who wants to be with someone committed. What goes around, comes back around. I don’t want to be involved. I don’t think kaya kong makipagsabayan. It’s just not right. Once I told my other friend “mahirap gawin ang tama, but I need to make things right even though it hurts me”

Temptation.

I’m not being righteous. I’m not a saint at lalong lalo na, I don’t have the patience to endure agonizing relationships-to-be. I may talk to him but that doesn’t mean I will be open to possibilities. Alam mo yung kahit pa gustung gusto mong makasama sya, it’s just not right to follow your will. I want to be happy, the kind of happiness that doesn’t cheat someone or step somebody up just so I can achieve fulfilment. I know I will never be happy with that kind of scenario hanging around my shoulders. I just want to have the right kind of relationship, clean, fun and easy.