pansin

Naglalakad ako sa isang aisle ng grocery, masayang nagkukwentuhan ng kabarkada kong di ko nakita ng mahigit sampung taon. 10 years?! Can you imagine?

Kumusta na si (name of classmate)? Di ba nagkaanak na sya?..

O si (name of classmate), bigtime na!...

O si maam (name of teacher), kumusta?

Nagrereminisce ng mga masasayang kahapon, nagtatawanan habang binabalikan ang bloopers ng high school.

Kay bilis ng panahon at nandito na tayo, 27… ang kabarkada koy, mother of 1, happy wife, happy life.

Canadian citizen at umuwi para magbakasyon at syempre, sa aming simpleng reunion. (Simple kasi, ilan lang naman kami, 4!)

Tinatakay ang kahapon habang naglalakad papunta sa counter upang bayaran ang aming kinuhang kung anu-anong abubot. Sabihin na nating, ang grocery ay nagiging playground na talaga, pag ikaw ay nearing the 30s or 30s and above. Ouch! Nakakasakit ng waist talaga. Haha

Nang biglang… OH MY GOD!

IKAW?! Ikaw nga ba?

Naglalakad papasok papunta sa aisle na gusto mo.

Ako’y natulala. Oh my God!

“Prey, are you okay?”

Oh my God, siya! Siya nga talaga.

Tumingin ka sa aking banda at ako’u tuluyang nakatunganga.

Parang sprite nung nasa elevator, nakita mo si crush, ano ang gagawin mo?

A)     Play cool: Hey pare! Musta na ang puso mo? Akin wasak pa din, wag kang mag alala, buhay pa naman sya brooo!

B)      Play sweet: Hey bud! How are you? *kumukuti kutitap ang mga matang pumormang puso”

C)      Play safe: dali na gurl, dito na tayo dumaan, bawal makakita ng multo ng kahapon!

Ang aking naging sagot, C. Play safe. Dali, diretso ang tingin, wag ng lumingon. For the goal na sa counter.

“Prey, OMG! Luspad ka!”, sabi ng canadian.

My mind is still stinging. Parang naparalyze ng kusa ang aking neck, kulang nalang sabitan ng c-collar sa ka-stiff nito. Habang ang puso koy hindi paaawat sa pagbeat ng kung ano anung melody, talo pa ang beatbox! Yung kumare nyang si Brain, ayun abala sa pag iisip. Nakita kaya nya ako? Bakit sya nagkunwaring walang nakita? Affected? Is he affected as I am? Kumusta na sya?

“huy prey!! Huy!”

Ha??

“anung nangyari sayo?”

Ah wala.. nakita ko lang naman ang ka first kiss ko!

“whaaaat?!”

HAHA. ‘to naman, naniniwala agad. Wala, must be the init. Ang init dito ha!

Kuwento ng kuwento ang kaibigan ko habang ako naman,nangingiti. Ang totoo, para akong nakikinig ng greek habang nasa talk show. Alam mo yung iinterviewhin ka pero yung interviewer is talking in greek, at dahil nasa camera ka, hindi naman pwedeng, “anu yun? What? Or ha?” ang magiging sagot mo, syempre ngiti ngiti lang para di magmukhang bobo at walang naintindihan.

So there, nakita ko nga sya. Sabi ko pa naman bago ako nagboard ng eroplano, Lord sana if magkita kami ulit, maganda ako. So bigla kong naalala, ano ba ang suot ko? Do I look fat? Gosh! Yung pimples ko sagabal sa landiang iminumungkahi ng aking alter ego. haha

Nung natapos na ang pagbabayad sa counter, pasimple kitang nilingun, ayun.. anong nakita ko? Wala. As in wala ka na dun sa kinatatayuan mo. Pasimple kong sinurvey ang scene, ang mga possible mong puntahan, ni anino mo, hindi ko na muling nakita. Nakakaligalig. Bakit may epekto ka pa rin? Para kang perfume na di ko bet, tinry ko lang, di na naalis ang amoy.

Ang puso ko! Kahit anung mungkahi kong wag magbigay ng malisya, bakit kusang umaasa?

Tatlong taong nakalipas, ngunit andito pa rin ako, maya’t maya kang naiisip. Nangangarap na magkrus ang ating landas at sa bawat imahe na aking nakikita, syempre dapat, maganda ako! Haha Di nga, I was hoping to see you, when I am more matured, when you don’t affect me as much as you did back then, and maybe… when the pain subsides and all I can think about you is not the chance that we missed but the chance that we get to meet other people who would materialize what we planned then.

Sa grocery’ng yon, napagtanto kong namiss kita. Ang mga usapang walang kwenta at mga maginoo ngunit medyo bastos mong hirit. Sana naging friends talaga tayo at least kung hindi man nauwi sa paglalambingan at least hindi naman nasira ang pagpapansinan.

Hindi ko alam kong nakita mo ako o kung nagkunwari kang walang nakita kahit alam kong kakita kita talaga ako. Sa tangkad ko ba namang ito, namiss mo? Naisip kong you usually would appear and say Hi first more than I say hello to you. Ang awkward pala ano? Haha now I know bakit maraming nabubulag sa pag ibig at sa pagkawala nito. Bulag ka kasi di mo nakikita ang mga flaws pag ikaw ay in love at nagbubulagan ka pag natapos ang relasyon at nagkita kayo, same as nagiging bingi at pipi din in both ways.

Should I have said Hello? Hindi ko alam.

Ako pa tinanong e sa mga pagkakataong ganito, hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin. Hayaan mo, next time tayong magkita, magreready na ako, or kung malulon ko man yung dila ko, may recorder akong babati sayo kahit di mo pansinin.

there's more to life than lovelife

“Anong plano mo? Okay ka lang ba kahit ganyan ka lang?”

Pumalakpak ang aking mga tenga. Teka! Teka! Anung ibig sabihin.

Parang nakakainsulto ata ang tanong. Wrong choice of words.

Kinalma ko ang aking sarili at nagtanong, “bakit? Anong ibig mong sabihin”

Ang gaga sabay kibit balikat at nagsabi “wala naman”

hmnn.. malamang nakuha din nya na deep inside nagwewelga na ang damdamin ko.

Naisip kong mas makabubuting hindi na ako bumuwelta, bagkus kelangang, “I-let it go, let it go..”

Pero pagkatapos ng pag uusap na yon, kahit saang anggulo ko tingnan, nagmamarka ang katagang “okay ba na ganyan ka LANG?” Ano ang masama sa pagiging single? Ano ang masama kung Masaya ka naman sa takbo ng buhay mo?

Hmnn… ang totoo, mahirap ding mag explain. Sa paulit ulit na tanong “bakit ka single” marahil makabubuting magrecord na ako ng sagot. For English, press 1, for bisaya press 2.

Bakit ka single? She pressed 1. For practical reason press 1, for philosophical, press 2. for concise, press 3. she pressed 3. Because I am single! And I like it that way, for the time being. At dahil hindi sya kuntento, she pressed 1. Because I have so many dreams pending to come true, I cannot afford a relationship for now. Hindi pa rin nya matanggap she pressed 3. Because love is a choice with the consent of the heart. And at one glance you don’t think your heart wants it, then so be it. Someone will come and let you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. At ngali ngali nyang sirain ang telepono. Bakit sya single? To speak to the kinauukulan, press 0. At dahil hindi nya talaga matanggap ang mga naunang rason, she pressed 0.

“Yes hello, this is P how may I help you?”

Why are you single?

“because this is my life and I have a say whether I remain single or not”

Why nga?

“because I haven’t found the one yet”

Why?

“because I am comfortable this way”

Why?

“because… okay.. I admit I am quite scared to share my life with someone with so much access. I am afraid to depend on someone so much that it hurts me if we would end up in vain. I know I am over thinking, overanalyzing and overreacting. But fear is such a strong magnetic force that would want you to remain still and just be contented with who you have. And it takes someone extraordinarily ordinary to break into that wall of fear that I have been keeping for so long. And yes, that someone hasn’t arrived yet”

Aaminin kong may mga pagkakataon din naming naiisip kong masarap sana kung may kasama, kakulitan, kalandian.. at kung anu-anong ka- HAHA. but for me, hindi naman kasi napipilit ang mga bagay bagay. If there’s something that I am very sure of in this life, eto yung WAITING. I believe andun ako sa point na nakakaya ko ang delayed gratification. I have been waiting for right chances, right opportunities, right timing and so far naman, yung mga plans ko, umaayon sa RIGHTNESS kasi nga, hinintay ko.

Sa bawat pag inog ng mundo, may saktong timing yan, hindi naman pwedeng ang araw at buwan, parehong lalabas kasi may natural flow of things sya. Tulad ng love, in my opinion, sumusunod din sya sa natural flow. Kusang dumarating, kusang nawawala or napapalitan ng bagong intensity.

I find it odd for a person to tell me, “be in love na!” or “unsa paman imung dugayan?” again, it’s not a matter of being in love, mapipilit mo ba ang sarili mo kung di mo talaga gusto? Parang sapatos. Pag bumili ka, tinatry mo bago mo bilhin, comfy ba? Maganda ba? Matibay kaya? Kung di mo talaga feel, kahit nahihiya ka pa sa saleslady sa bawat pagkuha nya ng size mo at effort nya sa pag promote, di mo talaga bibilhin.

Para sa akin, madali namang mag inlove inlove-an eh. Isipin mo lang ang bawat nakakakilig na eksena ng paborito mong koreanovela at tiyak na gigil ka sa kilig. Maiisip mo ang taong gusto mo at feel na feel mo ang bawat eksena. Pero yun nga, hanggang doon na lang, ‘cause sa mga tulad ko, I aim for a “REALationship” and to be able to achieve that, takes a REALtime hardwork, a REALtime process and of course a REAL person.

So yun. Bago pa ako bumuwelta na na offend ako, I don’t know if gets nyo ako. Basta. Ang hirap iexplain ng mga bagay bagay na hindi madaling rume-late, kasi among the population, ilang porsyento lang naman kaming bumubuo na ganito ang idea? Haha

But kaklaruhin ko… I WAS AND AM NOT A MAN-HATER (man eater baka pwede pa), I WAS AND AM NOT ANTI RELATIONSHIPS, in fact, I pray and wait for my time to come. I WAS AND AM NOT DESPERATE (that is why I wrote this post anyway, to shed some light).

Kaya nga itong si pareng Ramon, bet ko eh… I like the idea, there’s more to life than love daw… pero for me… there’s more to life than LOVE LIFE! Hihi (for now)

sixty

This is the time of my life wherein I can do the things I want,  go to places I've always dreamed of going, meet new people and yes, pursue some of my passion.

I have always been passionate about arts and I always wanted to paint. I have been passionate about travels and wanted to explore more in Asia and someday, Europe. Who knows right? But lately, I have been passionate about good food… food that I dare not waste by not eating it in full. Let's say, a plateful of baby back ribs…

When I was younger, when I order something and feel that I am already full. I set it aside. Not minding if I wasted food. Nowadays, I always feel hesitant to waste it. Why, I am buying it and earning is a lot of hard work and sacrifice.

My appetite has gone doubled and so is my weight. I used to think that among my family, I am the chosen one. I'd be the slim type, the belly-free family member. But who am I kidding?  I am now standing side by side my sister (who's a mother of two by the way) with a minimal variance in weight. And I am getting too much teasing, I'm very much single but I am weighing like a mother of 2 already! Ngaaaakkkk

Just recently, I have bumped into a friend. The last time we met, she was doubled but seeing her again, wow! She's becoming rather slim. I am envious. I asked her the secret, she just mentioned RUNNING! So then, I made up my mind to run as often as I can. Let's hit the gym and be serious about it!

Yeah yeah, I get it, it's rather easy to say than do! It was never my concern, the diet and getting physical thing but the more I grow older, my Gosh! It's taking so much of my thoughts. I believe that slow metabolism really hits you when you seem rather vulnerable. Ugh.

Anyway, I really wish to run three times a week, let's do it and it's not just doing it… I should do it religiously! Wish me luck! 60? Let's hit 55 and it's gonna be perfect!

Until then.

Sumesexy,

living

Whew!

One week is super fast!

Just got back from my weeklong vacation back home. And I realized so many things…

1)      I am not 24 anymore.

As much as I’d like to deny my being in the late 20s and make believe that my age is still where I left it 3 years ago, being home emphasized that I am no longer that young. There are “new breeds”. I went to the mall and sit nonchalantly at a fast-food with clear glass windows… I took time to notice… I saw myself in ladies wearing uniforms, eating and chatting excitedly. You know what, I used to be like that, meeting the same person, talking like there’s no tomorrow. Haha

2)      I need to level up.

As much as I like being in control with the things that I am surrounded by right now, I am not that fulfilled yet. In fact, I feel there is something lacking. I am half empty more than feeling half-full. I feel that there is more to life than living everyday with work as my constant thought-stealer!

3)      I need to make up my mind.

What do I love doing? What are my interests? I need to have a concrete idea of where I will be going. It is time to make up my mind on how I see myself 3 years from now,  being 30 is something I am anxious about. I need to feel stability.

4)      I need to be happy.

Happiness is a choice. What I do, where I am, happiness streams from feeling it within. It should not be based on my bank account or my back up plans or even my company. I love myself and it’s kind of a good thing.

5)      I need to be in love.

This is not limited to a person but in life in general. The only way to keep going is to love what you do and love the people around you and love YOURSELF. There is no bigger glory than being on the same team with people who mean the most to you and there is no bigger success than loving the person that you are more than attempting to sabotage yourself.

Truly, it was a delightful weekend of self-discovery. My biggest goal in going home is to reunite people. Glad, I am reunited with my family and happy that I have been able to be part of reuniting clashing friends.

In this life, we are given tasks, in this life; we don’t always get what we deserve. In this life, we may feel unfairly treated and worse, bullied for the wrong reasons. But you know what, life is never exciting if we always acknowledge only the victories that comes along each fight, it is much more colourful to add the struggles and strategies that we employ to achieve those triumphs.

I can always complain about my struggles, I am not exempted. But as time goes by, I know that I will be proud to acknowledge that I have been through a lot to get to where I am. That alone, is what makes me an active participant more than a spectator of what we call as “living”.

bisdak

I am proud to be.

Truth is… I never really knew my words were too deep a bisaya for Davao. I’d often get my friends who’d laugh at me for the terms I use which they think are way too bisaya.

For generation Y in Davao, which includes perhaps the 80s kids and onwards, Bisaya is more of the TAGBIS (tagalog-bisaya). Phrases like: “magbili tayo nyan ba!” or “maglagot gyud ako sa teacher namin ba” are very common.

Although growing up, most of my classmates are pure bisaya (not a hint of tagalog unless we’d make pasosyal at school) it was a transition when I went to college. I’ve got classmates who came from other regions who speak tagalog, I’ve got friends who simply are tag-bis at home. Of course, my ears would go extra attentive when I hear, “magpunta tayo sa mall” or “lain ka man uy, di ka man nagsaba!” seriously! I had a fun time listening to all these blabbering but as time goes by, parang naanad na talaga ako ba! Blame it on the household!

Our homes and the people around us influence our speech, the way we talk, we react. It’s normal.

I’d speak the term “ningutngot” “niung-ong” “nisirit” “hunos” “tungol” amongst the few and my friends would say “what?” in chorus. I don’t know, I’ve encountered so many bisaya words in my lifetime. Not that I’ve lived in Cebu but I heard so many stories, read so many notes and even witnessed my sister’s visayan local tv drama at one point (ANG SILINGAN, abscbn regional, wayback 1999?)  All these influenced my bisaya speech… perhaps I am 95% fluent than most of my friends, Why, it’s my mother tongue! (or mother’s tongue? Literally!)

But among the influences that I’ve encountered early on, the one thing that stood out is the RADIO!

While most of the kids during my primary grade would succumb to watching tv all day, I’ve no choice but to listen to the radio. And not just any radio, it’s a transistor for fudge sake! The ones used by grandmothers for their daily dose of AM broadcast. Basta RADYO,  Bombo! 

You see, it’s not that I love listening to the radio (maybe if it’s ole funky music) but I am FORCED to listen because my mom would wage war if the radio will be switched off. She’s a fan of no other than DRA AND ABOGADA LOURDES LIBRES ROSARUSO. (whew! Such a long title and name for a person) She’s, yeah, a doctor and a lawyer in one. Her program usually would start with an introduction of the letter sender, re-enactment (errr rehearing) of the problem then lastly, her advice. Problems would of course be pivoting around the orbit of health and legalities. She was my mom’s idol and believe me when I tell you that… I received a lot of spanking because I switched the channel to an FM radio while this program is airing! 

But before this program, May mga drama pa, perhaps 2 to 3 and she’d listen to it all. Words like, “Lavinia, gihigugma kayo tika, hinaut nga di gayud ako nimu pakyasun” and lavinia would say “Ben, aduna nay nanag iya aning akong kasingkasing. Dako akong pagmahay nga karun lang tika nakaila.” Then Ben would say “kung mao, mas maayo pa nga mawagtang nalang ko aning kalibutana!... muambak ko.. ingun ni ini… pooooooooooom!” Lavinia would say “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, pasayloa ko! huhuhu”

Believe me; I’ve listened to dozens and dozens all through out the years, from teban to raminee ang batang bronsi. I’ve resisted listening and sulking at my room, but what to do, the only sense that cannot be covered is the sense of hearing, unless there are barriers of space. What’s the point of resisting when you can hear it anyway? So there, I slowly learned to enjoy the dynamics of these dramas.

And the more I listen to it, the more words I’ve absorbed. The more I listen, the wider my imagination became. It wouldn’t be effective if you won’t be able to visualize a scenario. For example, the hero Raminee would go to the hill then shout “ako si raminee and batang bronzi” then he will transform to a superhero. I can imagine a hill because of the echo… raminee eee eee batang bronzeee eee eee. 

One time, I was telling my friends about raminee and they were like, “what? Where did you get that?” they died laughing when I told them, he’s a superhero sa radyo then I said, oh he was famous, his name is RANISI! Then the cab driver joined in and said “si Raminee to uy!” see? It’s just not me. 

My sister and I have grandest times when we try to re-enact a drama. She’d say, “misubra na gayud ka kabakakon, sagpaon tika ingun niini..paaak!” and I’d say “agay! Nasakitan ko, namula ang akong mga aping dili ko musugot nga di gayud ako makabalos, maong sipaon tika, ingun niini.. baaaaaaaaaaag!” ahaahha you know, for the heck of it. Our childhood may be a lot weirder than most, but we’re cool that way. Haha

Needless to say, We are bisaya because we’ve been exposed to so many visayan materials. Yes, I can write a Filipino article in a proper fashion but I still find it hard to speak as fluent as possible. While my friends and people around me may sometimes laugh too hard to offend, it’s okay. My bisaya is actually a reminder of a very colourful childhood, one that I am proud of and one that I’ll have so many fun memories to speak of.

I am BISDAK! And I am proud of it. 

neighbours

Priorities have changed…

I found myself googling the term “davao city properties” and browsed through lots and lots of pictures of houses and lots with six zeroes attached in the tag.

My goodness! How can I ever afford a 2M house and lot, 200 sq m located along bo. Pampanga? Or yes, the 5M h&l along buhangin? I know for sure, I don’t have the money for it. Mentally computing to resell my current assets, it’s still so short, bisag apil pa lawas, ma hurt rako kung hangyuon pa! HAHA

My biggest goal to date is to buy a property, preferably just near downtown. I would love to have a residence maybe in el rio, hillside, fortune and those familiar subdivisions just near our current place.

I’d die working and I still would not be able to afford 12M H&L in Insular, Woodridge or Robinsons. It would be too much of a dream to own a place in those exclusive subd. Don’t get me wrong; as much as I’d want to live in any of those, I know it’s not the reality for me. not YET.

My priority is to move out from our village. Why, because I feel that it’s too crowded and yes, my taste has changed. I want a more peaceful, stable and controlled environment. Although I’ve lived there all my life, I really don’t think it’s apt for my future kids to live in such place with the conditions and feeds that I am currently getting from folks.

The only thing that I love about our community is my childhood friends. Those people who saw my evolution during the sip-onon days haha. I really treasure my neighbors who are knitted together and feels like family.

I remember when Christmas is coming, we’d be busy fixing up our tansans and alambre, drum or gallon as our instruments and we’d sing our hearts out even if it meant being told, “wala pay pasko!” haha

I love the fact that I have experience that and so many fun memories all because… I live there.

BUT as I live then… I also knew facts: I knew neighbours who have nothing to eat or are battered or are drug users. I saw the rugged side of life as children would run everywhere with thin limbs and big heads, malnutrition. I saw how hard life is hearing stories about not having steady income and accepting labada or children not being able to study because of financial constraints. I saw brothers fighting, couples bickering and people simply, tambay.

I saw life on a raw medium. I saw reality.

While I attended private schools and been with friends and classmates who are in the upper side, I began to compare the two realities.  

I saw my neighbour struggling to make the ends’ meet while I saw my classmate struggling to bring the family back together. I saw my neighbour taking up odd jobs, construction and stuff while I saw my classmate absent for the class but present in Jacinto in her yosi session. I saw my neighbour’s lack of something and my classmate’s perhaps, lack of someone. I cannot weigh the extent of their difficulties.

So then, I realized both realities cannot be quantified. I saw how the two realities are different but the same. I mean, most people do struggle but the degree and aspect differs from each other.

While I get that the community that I grew up in is far from ideal, I am thankful because I have learned at an early age that my eyes should be open.

I just can’t be someone who’s make pakawala because my parents can financially support or because I have this or that. NO. Far from it. At an early age, I saw the cause and effect relationship of life.

What happens when I don’t study well? What happens when I marry young? What happens if I don’t get a job? The answers are given, I’ll look around and I can enumerate perfectly.

The more I mature, the more I desire for a community of my own too. A new home for a new life. I would love to have a say on my own place, own furniture, own space. And as pride would suggest, I really want it to come from my OWN POCKET. It’s something that I would be really proud. Hehe

I hope. I wish and I pray. Soon. Soon. 

limits

Damn you!

Seriously, there’s got to be a way to achieve a level of confidence about being angry.

And believe me when I say that I really don’t have that level of confidence. It’s always retreating to my peaceful rendezvous, where anger, pride and envy do not exist.

I have been a happy child; I don’t get angry easily or maybe, at all. I get pissed, yes, but the degree is little to nothing because I easily forget the reason why I am pissed in the first place. I always keep my cool and maintain a calm outlook because once the damage has been done, it is finished, and you cannot repair it by being vengeful. Karma always finds its way.

Coming to Singapore, it was completely new to me. I seem to get that the people here are more open, more vocal, more expressive about hate. I am not used to telling someone that he did wrong by doing this or that and that he should take the blame for the misdeed. It is completely the opposite. I get it why people become unhappy. It is a struggle to pull yourself together.

Here, when I do wrong, I should be able to know how to shield myself and take the blame. When I make mistake, I feel so stupid for failing. I am afraid to commit mistakes and even more terrified to take the blame. It is a vicious cycle of fear and uneasiness, swallowing you whole making you paranoid and worst, doubt your very self.

My greatest challenge in surviving the ordeals is to know how to express myself. I now get angry, vengeful and even hateful. I cannot contain myself from blaming and I have very minimal patience. Sometimes, I do remind myself that it is totally NOT ME. I am WHO I AM and not what other people expect me to be.

Although I now get angry, I still don’t know how to express it.  I do get frustrated because people around me can always nag me, but when it’s my turn to do so, I just recoil and remain still as if nothing happened, although I can tell, I am burning inside.

This whole experience teaches me so much about myself. It tests me about how well do I react to a certain dilemma, and swear, it is never easy. It’s always a question of letting go and staying. When things turn sour, I always think about my goals and what I want to achieve, and yes, everything has its own time.

I personally believe that when you know yourself and what you are capable, you are confident to challenge yourself to make it to greater heights. Timing is everything. We set a goal and put a time frame or else, we’ll get stuck to a phase forgetting the purpose of the whole journey.

I am holding on to my brand of sanity, and patience… yes, it has its limits.