new year, new nonsense

Here I am again, getting on in this sh*thole.

I am thinking, why am I even allowing this?

Why am I even giving time stressing myself thinking about what I don’t need to think about?

Yes, this is so me. I appear calm and collected, cheerful even in the face of the many seasons that I am going through but in truth, I am a child, desperate, delicate and tired of taking charge.

Do I dodge responsibilities? I hope so. I sincerely do. Even then, I have taken the initiative to take charge to the extent that I just fall down and cry in the showers for fear of affecting anyone with my negative vibes.

Sometimes, I do want to give up. Pass my crown to someone who’s very eager to take the lead. But what do I do? There’s no one but me?

New Year, new hope. I always believed that. And I always look forward to starting the year on a good note.

However, new year’s always bring me to think, think and rethink and I don’t know why!

I hate that I am feeling anxious of what this year will bring and the worst, being anxious over my present.

While I keep on injecting some happy memories to balance out my mood, I really can’t stop myself from thinking about my status and how it brings me to my future. “take your time”, they say, but how much more time do I need?

Time is relative to success and time is so precious, it drags me super slow to where I want to be.

Am I getting impatient? Maybe.

When we want to achieve something and yet, all the forces of the universe seem to contradict, what can we seriously do? WAIT. But what if waiting has always been a fixture and you want to claim your life the way you deserve?

I am speaking deeply from a person who has been waiting all her life. Time has passed me by, people have gone by, seasons already changed a million times and yet, I remain here standing tall, no, almost bending, like a tree after every typhoon, staying strong.

This year, I want it to be my year. A year of new glory. A year to bloom. A year to prepare and bounce back to where I should be.

I need to get out of this sh*thole and be brave to face what comes ahead. I need to stop yapping about what has been gone and start anew.

I can do this, aja!!

Single Fin

As I’m writing this I am stationed in a balcony by the majestical cliffs of Uluwatu,  that boasts stunning views of one of surfing’s spiritual homes, and comes alive as the sun sinks into the Indian Ocean.

I hummed into the faint music from good old radio while sipping in my watermelon pure juice. (I could’ve opted for a beer, anytime any day but chose not to since I am on my meds and no alcohols are allowed for me for now. )

The good thing about this place is you get to drown yourself in the amazing view and at the same time enjoy gastronomic delights without bleeding your pocket dry.

It’s past lunch time and people are starting to come in, slowly the music was drowned by laughter and voices of people speaking with a twang. It makes you feel good, I almost just beamed with smile at random strangers. (Then I thought, Oh dear! Maybe I’ll look like a psycho.)

The beauty that surrounds me is just too magnificent that the best lens to use to capture is still my set of eyes and store it in no greater memory card than my memory bank.

I settled myself near the rail and sat on a high chair with my concoction in hand.

“This is life!” I said to myself.

Below me are few other balconies and right across me are the relaxing chunks of cotton candy A.K.A. clouds.

The sun is glaring at me but I’ve never been this fan of the mighty sun until now. It works magically on my break-hungry soul. I feel relaxed just lounging and satisfying my eyes to the beauty that unfolds me.

I arranged this trip for the sole purpose of relaxation. When life gets tough, the tough gets going, they say, and taking a break every once in a while is what propels me as a tough cookie. I asked my driver to give me at least 2 hours to experience Single Fin and off we go to our next destination and he obliged. I was happy.

What seemed to be 2 hrs ended in almost 4 hours.

I was so captivated that I thought, I really can stay there for a whole day and just chill. It is such a shame that I could not witness the sunset since I need to gear up to my next location but even so, just lounging there and emptying my mind by taking in all what Single fin has to offer, I was completely satisfied. Perhaps, witnessing the sunset was just a bonus.

But then again, like all the trips I’ve been to, there’s no need to fret, it just gives me a reason to come back!

Oh by the way, I write this, I am transported back to the place and felt like I am typing from the same bird’s eye view balcony. Relieving the memories is just secondary to being there again.

I love you, Single Fin!

in this Christmas

What a month had been!

Time flies so fast that the moment I tuck myself in for sleep, I woke up and it’s almost Christmas.

While I try to control myself not to feel too excited about going home. Which by the way is a first in five years—for Christmas!

I read a Facebook status days ago about being joyous this Christmas but at the same time being mindful of others who are not excited as we are in this Holiday Season. Then I thought to myself, “are there people who are not as excited?”

I remembered, not everyone has the same situation. For some, they must’ve felt the loss, the disappointment, the depression and all hell breaks loose kind of stuff. For some, they simply are away from their family and must’ve felt the pang of pain or guilt by not being with them.

I remembered my past Christmases and how last year’s Christmas almost brought me to celebrating solo.

Imagine yourself walking along a crowded street, with people all cheers and friends all smiles. Family strolling around and kids just running around with their new toys in their hands. And you? Well, trying your best to be okay when truth is, you’re just an inch away from breaking down.

And how about the Noche Buena? The chatting in the sala while munching snacks waiting for midnight?

You’d find yourself locked in your bedroom ‘cause your housemates have gone home and mumble to yourself that it’s just a day, and tomorrow’s (25^th) just gonna be a sleeping day. How lonely!

But believe me, last year, I have thought about the same exact scenario. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself for being alone.

While it’s nobody’s fault, sometimes, things just don’t fall according to your plans.

This year, I made a brave move to ask my boss early on to allow me for a Christmas break since I haven’t been home for Christmas in 5 consecutive years and I couldn’t be any more excited!

I am wrapping up this year with all the positivity that I could muster.

Christmas is the time when we look back and appreciate how far we’ve come.

Whether solo or with people, Amidst the hustle and bustle of the holiday spirit, Christmas is still the day we commemorate the birth of our Lord Almighty. And while we keep ourselves busy pouring in some wine or dashing to find the perfect gift, this is Jesus birthday and we should not forget to give thanks to him. Always.

Wreck

The thing is, the more you think about it, the deeper the cut becomes.

I’m trying to handle my situation as coolly as possible but no rationality can shield me from the fact that this is not a nightmare and that, I’d wake up tomorrow remembering the hurt first thing in the morning. I am deeply affected that I find myself stopping in the middle of my random conversations with friends. I am way too distracted that I become bitter of what I see.

Betrayal is one thing. Lack of remorse is another.

My poor heart.

I've never been too emotional about most aspects of my life as I do not want to live in drama. This is real and my emotions are just as real. I couldn't hide the fact that i am a total wreck and that no matter what i do, what i say, my mood just swings from good to worst in no time. I am not okay. If this is what bipolarity seems like then, i am feeling it nowadays.

I'm trying so hard to control my rage. I want to take revenge, to avenge someone and to let someone pay for making us feel the way we do today.

I'd love to say my piece over and over again, even though i know that no amount of bad words can relieve the anger and pain that I am feeling.

I want to ask so many questions but I know most of these questions do not necessarily get a valid answer. And the more i push for answers, the more disappointed i might become.

Today, I went to mass. I don't know what to pray for anymore. This has rendered me speechless in more ways than i ever imagined. So I just sit there, unable to fully construct what I wanted to ask to God. Instead I looked intently at the crucifix, how Jesus has died for our sins and even if He did, how ungrateful we are to commit more sins.

I found myself tearing up, I quickly wiped my eyes. I cannot cry.

I surrender Lord. Your will be done, i murmured.

Amidst this all, i hope to find the purpose. I trust that there must've been a reason for this sacrifice and to that, i am hopeful.

For how long I’m gonna stay like this? Time can only tell.

It's difficult that I’m bearing this burden alone but it makes it more difficult that I do not have the courage to ask for someone's help because I know they will never understand.

I will be deeply scarred after this, that I am sure. But it also means that i have lived the life. And contrary to what others might think, my life has been the same as everyone, full of phases.
Phases that shape up who I am today.

bottled it up

5:55 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

thank God it’s still a Sunday!

The night has been so long and I’ve had no choice but to pretend I’m sleeping, closing my eyes, counting sheep endlessly, I’ve done it but reality is that my mind is far from it.

Could this be the iced cappuccino decaf? Or could this be just me affected by the drama that has been going on my life for days now?

I sighed to myself.

No matter how many times I deny, at this age, I still can’t fake anxiety or depression.

And worst, I thought I am better at handling things, turns out, I’m blinded and was just good at avoiding it.

These days, I always find myself in long pauses, distant stares and zoning out. I feel that my body is there but my mind is off to somewhere. And believe me when I say that even feeling so down makes me crack up to a painful experience as if it’s a joke. Weird huh?

I guess when you hit a point whereby you’ve no control over and just take no matter what life gives you, you’ll be deeply overwhelmed by it. You develop a certain numbness.

I’m speaking from a point where drama has not been my cup of tea.

I talked to a friend last night and she told me that being brave is accepting that you are weak sometimes.

I agreed.

For the most part, we are challenged just so we know how long can we stand. We are tested just so we know how far we can go.

6:20 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

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I bottled in my thoughts and I wish I can say more.

rarely

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Anger is so intense an emotion that I so thoroughly avoid.

One, it’s not good for my heart, two, it’s unhealthy for my skin and lastly, it’s a mouse trap.

You get angry for what?

I was brought up happy. I had good memories more than the bad. I am blessed.

I keep a positive attitude towards life, I keep cool no matter what season I am in.

But the more I age, the more challenges I am faced with.

Challenges that keep me from maintaining my cool, challenges that provoke the dragon in me.

I RARELY get angry. I don’t mind irregularities much or make an issue out of small ones.

I let go. I let time decide. I go on with life.

But don’t get me wrong, I never said I am a Saint. When I get angry, I tend to go all out.

My mind is so powerful, I can conjure horrible ideas. It scares me. It surprises me in ways I never would have imagined.

Recently, I got a run-in with a past issue that involves a turning point in my life. (I’m not going to be so specific as it still hurts me.) I went ballistic. I wanted to go all out with that damn war. Forget my name, my education, everything that I strive to be… it’s all about making a person pay for hurting someone who means so much to me and more.

I was ready to take the blows but was more than ready to make the hits!

My mind just closed up to the fact that I always take the blow without throwing some and it angers me. Why would I allow people to step on me over and over again when I can do something about it?

Why would I put myself defenceless every freaking time? Why can’t I for once bring the battle on and fight it eye to eye?

When you try so hard to be the best version of yourself, it brings you to a limbo, a limbo whereby you doubt if you’re capable of defending yourself or if you’re ready to take the fall as long as you throw some deep punches as well.

I grew frustrated in knowing that even at this day and age, technology still  got its limits and that involves not being able to be used the way you want it to, offensively.

To be honest, I am still boiling at the moment but someone important to me told me to let it go.

I told her, I will definitely try my best but I cannot promise. I’ll try.

I RARELY get angry, but when I do, everything never makes sense.

It’s not as if I wanted it to be like this but I can’t bring myself down to that level of calmness. Not yet. Not sooner.                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Especially if it is a repeat offender. My tolerance level can be extended for a long time.

I can be uber patient but sure, it’s got its limits and yes, I’ve reached that limit already.

I RARELY get angry but it lasts. I RARELY get angry but I take account.

Again, it’s not as if I designed it to be but I just can’t fake myself to be okay when clearly, I am lying to myself.

I RARELY get angry but this RARITY is what makes it more difficult.

Forgiveness is a long way…

him from yesterday

Today, I was tempted to check his profile on Facebook.

How can I check someone’s profile that I so undoubtedly blocked few years back?

“How is he?”, “What is he up to?”, “Where is he at the moment?”

Questions that I am curious about.

It’s been years since we last communicated. It’s been years since I detached myself from him completely.

I can still remember the day, I received a call from a friend telling me about him.

And as always, I tried so hard to sound disinterested while my chest was pounding so heavily.

There were so many stories about him but I seem to forgot everything the moment I heard about him having a girlfriend. The familiar pang of pain consumed me.

My young heart scattered into pieces and Every time I check his profile, I’d feel nervous. I feel like the pieces gets pounded into the minutest.. The more I see him, the more uneasy I become. I can’t live with that so I have made a huge decision that day, that is, to erase him out of my life completely.

With that decision comes the truth of finding my way back in, of practicing seven hundred times over how to react with a mere mention of his name in front of our friends, of getting interested to some other guys, of getting myself look cool even with a broken heart and best of all, of wishing him good luck on his LOVE life.

Days came by so quickly. I was fast to becoming “busier” every time he texts and “unavailable” every time he chats. I was bored at the thought of maintaining friendship with a bitter gut. I just couldn’t do it. Or more like, I grew depressed and hopeless of the supposed plot of OUR story. The “OUR” story that I am now convinced, I just fabricated by virtue of mere imagination and some hallucination.

Perhaps he grew tired of reaching out to me as well that I get messages from him less and less. Or maybe, he got busy with his new found love until we ended up with not communicating at all. I can see his feeds and one day I just hit block. I knew I could never undo so I just kept it like that.

Years have passed and I can still remember him. He may not be the tall and lanky guy with a boyish grin that I intensely adored and have now become manly and strong. But I am quite sure of how happy he is now as he embarked in his new journey through life.

We still aren’t friends in Facebook but I still hear about him from friends.

Perhaps time heals all wounds, I do not need to fake my reactions now. I am genuinely happy for what he has become. I do not cringe at the possibility of talking about him either but I have never spoken to him from eight years ago.

While I wanted to say “hello”  and ask him about what and how he’s been up to, I just couldn’t bring myself in to send him a message. So today, I’ll hold back. In another time, maybe I’ll have the courage. For the meantime, I hope he’s doing well, I hope his happiness will have no end and as for me,  I’ll always be his silent supporter.