coming home soon

The thing is I’ve been really excited about going home again. Alam mo yung feeling na pag naiisip mo, napoprovoke ka to imagine anong gagawin mo dun. Exciting to know na andaming bagong pwedeng itry since I left Davao a year ago.

It’s a mini-reunion for us. Liemy’s gonna come home too. Ilang days lang din, but ok na. And I am forced to believe na friends talaga kami. Imagine, when we talk about it, she’ll say “stop na please, I can’t sleep kasi maeexcite na naman ako” That’s just sooo me!!! Di nakakatulog. But my dear, isn’t it too early not to sleep? One month pa po, ayoko naming magmukha tayong zombie sa pictures ng ating reunion. ^^

It’s lil baktin’s birthday and am very much excited to see him again. I last saw him when he celebrated his fourth month. Ambilis, one year na agad. You know, iba talaga pag may baby sa family, nakakainspire, their innocence just erases all the burdens you’re facing. Their laughter is heavenly, nakakahappy. If there’s someone that’s just so dear to me, it’s Chino. I love him to the core! ^^

I’m excited to meet my good friends. Annie is coming over from Cotabato just for our reunion as well. Ana’s inviting me to some night swim via THEIR house pool. It’s really nice to see each one of them. Ang sarap lang sa feeling na kahit saan ka magpunta, you always go back to home with your most favourite people. It reminds me na bata pa din ako, I shouldn’t think too much about responsibilities.

Excited din akong… aherm, mag “hang out”. I don’t wanna call it a date kasi napepressure ako. As I’ve said, when it’s a date, it’s like having to come out from the cocoon and just be fabulous with girly moves. That’s just not me. I’d enjoy funny/ informative conversations while sipping some frappe or munching some fries with the comforts of dressing whatever I wish. It’s time for me to meet and know more about people. Yung walls ko ang tibay, di talaga natitibag and truthfully, I’m getting bored with my defenses. Nakakapagod pala.

Above all, I am just so excited to be home because I know that there are so many people who love me. It’s like being in a place where I know I should be.

I can’t wait to see you soon Davao!

visit

Dreams are subconscious thoughts that one is aiming to happen.

That’s what they say, could it be true?

Why, I dreamt of you last night, to my dismay.

It’s bizarre but very vivid…

***

I was in a trade fair attended by most of the people from school. I was the usual me, active and sunny. I was busy participating, getting through roles while having fun with my good old friends. I always have this thought that you will be attending but I never really expected you to be there.

I was in a room filled with busy people making something out from nothing. At one time, I had to go north to grab some stuff. I wore shorts that pretty much exposed my legs so I had to stop to put some cover on. I looked behind and there I saw you. I pretended to have not seen you and continued to go my way. As I reached and talked with the woman, I saw you coming forth towards me, again, I pretended not to care but my eyes were pointing back at you from time to time.

I hurried to avoid you but the woman held me back. You stopped and you said “Hi!” in your most appealing smile and cheerful eyes. In that moment, I felt my heart leapt and fell beyond its pattern. I wanted to say “hello” but I was too consumed by my bitterness, I gave you a smirk and head on to my destination.

In my mind, “how dare this guy to greet me as if nothing happened?” In that specific moment, I was fuming with bitterness that no one can console me but my self. I went straight back to the room but again, I saw you. You came near me but I avoided you like a plague. I wish I knew what to say to you so my heart will be drenched from all the pain. I wish I can let it all out, but I knew how pointless it was to discuss things with you.

While you were so alive talking with your friends and taking shots out from your new camera, I pretended to be as equally happy as you are. I was told how things have changed but I was still the same energetic me. If they only knew…

***

The alarm spared me from going through it all. I rode in the MRT to work and still my mind was consumed by you. It’s been years, you should’ve left my mind by today but how come, you still occupy me?

I don’t know how intense the feeling is, all I know is that I wished I never met you. I wished that whenever our paths cross again, I will be a whole me, free from bitterness. It’s illogical to continue hurting. It’s funny how I react so gravely about you when there was never a definite connection.

Maybe, this is me in my most undesirable state. Maybe this is me in frustration. Maybe this is me today… but I know, I’ll get over you someday.

As for a dream, it may be a subconscious part of a person’s brain, but I definitely hope, if it comes true, it will be in a friendlier way. No bitterness, no pain, no amount of sadness and no deadma show! 

not me

Anjan ka na naman, tinutukso tukso ang aking puso…

What’s new? I’m an old soul reincarnated in an ‘80’s body. It’s always like that, never changed, fully vintage even in some of my principles. And my friends tease me for that.

You told me, you claim to be so old skool and yet your acts are different. I snapped at you and told you to elaborate. Well, you said, I say different when I’m talking with you on the computer. Like I can do everything, it’s all possible, but when I meet you, I’m coy and a bit indifferent. How can I be old skool when I’m so much me in the computer and a different me when we meet?

Ambot pud dong! Nganu man gud pansinun ng mga ana. I don’t have any defense as to that accusation. I’m like that. Do I need to consider visiting my psychiatrist? Like to me, alangan naman super close asap?

Girls talaga have this identity complex na when someone says they like you, it turns out to be, mapressure kami to be what you thought we are. It’s natural. But it doesn’t mean naman it will be like that forever, syempre pa kiyeme at first but lumalabas ang tunay na kulay after. It’s like that. Parang boys lang yan, ang sweet pagnanliligaw but fades out in the end. The irony of genders.

Ang dami mo kasing tanong. Eh wala naming clear kung anong dapat isagot. You see, I am very straightforward, I’m not a mind reader so KISS, Keep It Short and Simple. Ganyan lang naman yan. Minsan kasi sa dami ng sinasabi nawawala sa totoong pinag uusapan. Ang hirap imonitor kung ano yung point.

So there, I told you I like you. So what? Don’t use that against me. Don’t be too sure about youself. Kahit ayaw ko, wala akong magagawa, same thing, I like shrimps kahit di dapat, I like shopping kahit di puwede, I like travelling kahit magastos. But that’s just about it. I like you. Simple.

I have liked someone for a long time that I fell for him in the end without telling him my exact dilemma. I wouldn’t dare do that again, ‘cause it’s so hard to move on. How can I move on when ako lang ang nakafeel? It’s not even mutual. In fact, it was so stupid of me. Plain idiot to have fallen for someone walay klaro.

So now, I make it a point to be neat about it. I like you. I can like so many you. I can like a lot better than you so wag paimportante.

Finally, I don’t know where this post is going. It’s just that, please don’t show interest if you’re not really interested. Don’t give false hopes. Don’t promise. Don’t talk to me unless you mean it. Don’t be too involved with me or I shall distance myself to spare my heart from unprecedented reactions. Don’t make moves you cannot keep. Don’t make paasa. It’s pointless.

And yes, If it’s a game to you, go ahead find another player, I’m lame and poor in energy. I can’t keep up. I’d better go and find peace in my sleep. So please, Spare me.

Single ladies are lesbians, aren't they?

No Husband, No BF… lesbian agad?!

Kaloka!

I’ve been introduced to a Filipino- Chinese boss of a Sister company. Although, I was suspecting he’s Filipino, he made sure I erased all my doubts as he spoke Mandarin very well. The only thing that kept me puzzled was his Filipino looks, very common, somehow, NATIVE.

Anyway, from there on, I receive emails always with a “Mabuhay!” greeting. Funny but I am not used to using that term, I don’t even know how to translate it in exact English, as my boss was nosy and asked me what it meant. I could’ve joked it meant, “I love you” only that, I am dealing with my boss in a more professional way. (Meaning, no unnecessary remarks, weird jokes and stuffs from my personal self. Professional me is different than the household me. LOL)

I assume the FC Boss have known that I am Filipino from my boss. And from what I know my boss doesn’t know that FC Boss is Filipino too. I told him he is, but he absolutely said, FC Boss is Chinese. I didn’t argue. But in my mind, “heller boss, we talked over the phone in parts tagalog and I’ve know he’s from Batangas”

FC Boss called me up yesterday, I was expecting his call since I was confused by their shipment and was asking for an explanation.

HIM: Mabuhay! How are you? How have you been doing?

ME: Am okay, thanks. How about you? (politeness is a virtue)

HIM: am good. You going back to our homeland?

ME: Oh yeah, yeah.

HIM: When? I am going back too, When’s your flight?

ME: maybe September?

HIM: Me too. 24^th, Maybe we can see each other sa airport?

ME: No, I am flying on the 21^st.

HIM: oh 23^rd…

ME: 21^st.

HIM: Manila right?

ME: Nope Davao.

HIM: to your husband? Boyfriend?

ME: No husband, no boyfriend whatsoever…

HIM: oh girlfriend?

ME: Huh?!

HIM: oh you’re a lesbian… aww shucks!

ME: what?! No!!

The next thing I knew, he said sorry a couple of times and I didn’t know whether to laugh or be disappointed. Surprised was an understatement. Kaloka talaga si Kuya! It’s so unnerving of him to assume that I am a lesbian only because I am single.

Now I know how it feels sa mga capable guys who don’t have GF/ Wife and be frequently tagged as GAYS and sa mga famous celebs whose not visible with a pair tagged as homos. No offense meant sa ating mga kapatid in the third sex but as for myself, I can die laughing. Kasayang ng egg cells ko! Jusmiyo!

Then somehow, I assessed myself, do I look like it? Are my actions very tomboyish? A good friend who always teases me tells me about my being astig than most guys that’s why I looked masculine to him more than my being a lady. Naisip ko, porke ba’t I act with less finesse lesbian na agad? I don’t need to change myself just to be part of the society’s definition of a girl. It’s too late. It was never an issue to me. I just love being me. I can be funny without being so conscious with my looks. Just like that.

And then I asked a friend, what if I am a lesbian? Will I be able to acknowledge? Am I hiding under my long hair? She just laughed and told me I’m too malandi to be a lesbian, and too fantasizing about boys to be one! LOL. Just a hypothetical question lang naman. Kasi most of the time, we don’t see things in ourselves, while others can. Malay ko diba?

You see, one comment can really provoke me to thinking things, even those that are absurd. But my point here is, just because someone isn’t in a relationship doesn’t mean that he/she’s of the third sex. Di ba pwedeng choosy lang? Or never pa natapos ang process ng frog to prince evolution?

And aminin ko man o hindi, I am taken aback. I mean, assessment/ personality check, I think talaga it’s about time to consider love. I feel so averse to it because I am scared of doing anything for the person and end up rejected. Alam mo yun? It takes a lot for me to love, ‘cause I give everything for that person. Di yung basta basta lang ‘cause I’ll offer him with so much and I am not ready to let it go until I know he feels the same way. Ganun. (and I know it shouldn’t be like that but that’s how I really feel about it)

Plus mahirap bang intindihin na di talaga basta basta pumasok sa isang relationship. Kahit pa marami ang nagpapalipad hangin, nagpapapansin, or the likes, it’s never easy to just agree and give it a go. For me, it’s a serious business ‘cause it’s not everyday I allow people to be part of my life, especially that someone who should know you from head to foot, otherwise, what’s the point?!

Finally, I am happy as it is. And no one has the right to change me just so I can fit to their idea of a person or of a girl much less and as much as I want to laugh about it, its absurdity and epicness, I am so sorry to say, I am not a lesbian and I am aiming to exercise my sexual rights with the opposite sex in the most heavenly way possible (bang!). To say the least, I have been dreaming of it, in a perfect place and perfect time! With all the bahaghari and grapes on the side under clean white sheets with a smell of camomile extracts and rose petals! And when I think about it… oh! Wag na nga lang… haha

(whatever! Yan tuloy, I am provoked to think beyond what is wholesome, basta, in DUE time! Whatever tomboy fever!) 

decisions again

So good to be back!

My mind was so busy thinking about a life-changing decision. I have been ranting about it for weeks and put myself to deep concentration to come up with the best choice possible.

After two weeks, I am back! What was it? What happened?

When I least expected it, I received a call from a Major Bank here in Singapore. It was too good to be true, my dream bank. In fact, it was the reason why I came here in Singapore. I felt like I had the chance to be part of them.

I went in a lot of recruitments for it, and unfortunately got ditched every time. But for me, that was just about it, I was consumed by the thrill of chasing it. It’s like colourful candies stored in a clear glass bottles, my attempt to reach it gets more challenging but every time, it’s set to a higher distance, beyond my reach. I became greedy for it. LOL

To say the least, I grew challenged. I thought to myself, I have what it takes, modesty- aside,  I got the background, I got the skills, I got the academics, I got the ahermmmm… LOOKS (char lang ni LOL). But then, I always got booted, how come? Rejections came in a handy and all the more, I grew hungry for it.

When everything else fell into place, my job seems a bit okay to me, my outlook seemed to be more relaxed, I got a ring from them and they told me to come down for an interview. I was shocked and again, the hunger came alive. Without thinking twice, I had myself on leave.

The interview went fine. In fact, I liked the interviewer. She seemed so pleasant, so nice and sweet, not to mention, cute (most locals don’t lol). I had a good feeling towards it. I called my friend, told her, I feel good about the interview. That day, I juggled 2 interviews, 1 from the bank, 1 from an investment company. And in between, I received a phone call, from the same bank, asking me if they can have a second interview in their main office for HR purposes.

They asked me if I can come back the day after, but I told them I cannot (my boss will kill me if I get on leave again, that’s ABUSO in caps) so instead, I asked if I can have it that same day. (kapal lang ng face, nagparesched pa) and yes, they agreed.

The interview was again, pleasing. I felt good. Though, I had shades of gray as they told me about the salary. I mean, experience-wise, I got it. And working in a bank, I had the idea how stressful the life is (compared to my current job) and because somehow, I can gauge, I know my price.

I waited for their call but I haven’t received any. In my heart, I know that everything went well. And it’s pretty much impossible if they reject me again (I am THAT confident). Then I heard from a good friend that the bank cannot fulfil my price. She said, though you have experience, the bank wants you to start from scratch, thus, the salary is lower than what you expect.

I was surprised. Imagine? My DREAM bank? CANNOT afford my salary? LOWER than my expected? Like to me, it’s supposed to be higher than my current. Then my friend told me, let’s meet, I’ll tell you the benefits. She knew right then and there, my world was shattered, my expectations got booted and everything else about the company went bland for my taste.

Then I told my parents. I asked advice from them, but as usual, they just told me “go for what you desire… pray” then I asked my sissy almost desperately as the bank needs my answer ASAP if I take it or not.

My friend told me about the benefits and all. It sounds appealing. I told her, I will weigh things first before thrusting deep to saying YES. I asked my sissy, my ever, reactive-on-impulse sister. She told me, what’s it in for you? Will you be richer? Will you be more relaxed? Will you be happier? I say NO. Stick to your job. Just like that.

So then, I told my sister, it will be prestigious. It will hone my resume for my next job somewhere else. It’s a big break! Not everyone is given the chance, you know how I waited for my chance right? She told me, what is prestige? Prestige is for the insecure. You know, you have it in you. Wherever you will go, it doesn’t matter, all else doesn’t, it’s innate girl. Why indulge to a more stressful life? To the life of worries?

She said, Look at me, I left a prestigious company too, I became a boss in a span of time in a less prestigious company thereafter, but to me, that’s just about it. My happiness, family and relaxed simple life MATTERS MORE. It will be a good milestone for you, but will you be happy? I think you should find it in your heart. You know what you’re happiest about.

Hmnnn… Mostly, my sister is more on impulse. Unlike me, it will take me so many days and nights of thinking, but then again, she’s really my ELDER sister. She has this profound understanding to things in an instant. I found comfort in that.

So to make the long story short, I DECLINED the offer. I had a hard time, finally telling the boss that I refuse to accept the offer.

And maybe, I will regret this missed chance. I will regret that I haven’t been part of that BANK. But then again, life is too short to live in regrets. I choose to move forward, to make myself better with the path that I am in. I whole-heartedly THANK the people who gave me the chance. Perhaps, I proved myself that “I have it…really” and it’s something to me. It’s a big thing to me, and I will always be grateful for it.

But above all, I thank God for always giving me the chance to reach my dreams. I thank you Lord Almighty for teaching me the virtue of waiting. Thank you Lord!

Ad Majorem dei Gloriam! =)))

Regret

Anniversary…

Talked with A yesterday. She said, “P, let’s take a leave on the 8^th of Aug to mark our first anniversary here in SG” and I said, “one year… ahh! Have we become better?” She said, “of course!”

Wow. Such conviction you have in there. Memories flashed…

Looking back, I traded my job to something unknown. I’ve been receiving enough, getting the best benefits, having fabulous leaves where I can travel to anywhere with my good friends (who also belonged to the same company and been given the chance to be allowed altogether for a leave) and most importantly, meeting really interesting people… and then, BOOM! I chose to leap out of it. Do I have regrets?

Apparently, when you’re 24, it is the time of your life when you seek for more, aim for more, imagine more… I felt there was something in store for me out of my company, like I am destined to do more, and of course, see the world beyond my horizon. What’s in the other end? 24 was a perfect time!

Now at 25, the feeling slowly subsides. Yes, I do aim for more, imagine more but I now seek less…

I mean, within almost a year, I have gained a lot of experience. I was able to see things from a different perspective, and perhaps, I was able to know which is more important to me. At 25, I think and feel that I have learned so much. I feel life got me in one blow and I was stunned. I was taken aback, but I chose to stay still.

Seriously, this may seem very unconvincing, but most of my closest friends and family told me that I’ve changed. (I totally hope it’s for the better though). At 25, I look and feel like I am 35. I’ve got worries of a mother (with 6 kids) plus the imaginings of an old, senile woman. Like Duh!?  What the hell! I just can’t stop myself from feeling that way.

But then I am learning, I now seek less because I know that what’s meant for me always finds it way towards me. I can’t say the fire is ceasing to burn, it’s just that Sometimes, the best way to face the world is to care less about its details. Take things light and just go with it, there’s just no point resisting.

A lot of people who see the façade, remark about how happy-go-lucky, young-wild-and-free-ish my life is, but if only people knew that I’ve got the brains of a mean machine that never stops itself from doing its function, too influential that it affects the whole of me, if they only knew, then they’d never want to be with me. I am a burden. A mixed, bipolar persona who thinks so much about the world.

Good thing there are people stuck with me. They’ve no choice. Haha. Anyway, Answering, Have I become better? Any regrets?

I can say I do. It’s true that experiences change who you are and how you see the world. The more you become closely connected with nothing but yourself, the more you feel appreciative of the people who stick with you. I feel that the one year has made an impact on me, I’ve reconsidered so many options that I find point-blankly odd and unacceptable.

As for regrets, I am so sure I will regret if I didn’t take the chance to be here. 

call me baby

Insane…

My sissy has gone nuts! I can’t believe it.

Imagine, she told me, “girl, I think it’s time for you to marry!”

Like huh?!?! Can you hear yourself? Are talking Greek? Am I pregnant? LOL

Not that I am tolerating, but, at this age? At this time of my life? And the bigger question is, who’s the groom?

As I’ve said before, one of my wildest dreams is to marry at 23. (My mum married at 20.) But I’m past the age so it will always be a wild dream. 25, this age, yes, I can marry. In fact, I feel I am ready for it. So much for being independent.

But yun na nga, sino? Like if pwede pa lang bumili, bibili ako ng lima at itatry ko na agad sino sa kanila ang magwork. But hindi nga ganun, it’s Love or nothing. Bakit naman ako papasok sa isang relationship na kahit mag holding hands e di ko maimagine, what’s the point?

And although there are few guys who come in contact with me, asking choovachoo, di naman ganun kadali yun. It takes time. Ewan ko ba, minsan over naman tung puso ko, parang walang nakikita. Sa isip ko, ok na e, go na, sa puso ko, di parin.

Undeniably, I get all panicky lalo na when people my age are going steady, about to marry or has a developing fetus inside. I get silent and trapped in a pandora’s box, thinking, bakit ba kay tagal naman nung akin?

Or maybe, I am too idealistic, baka afterall, my beliefs and principles are nothing but stupid hindrances to further growth? Hay naku! Depressing. My sissy told me, “know how to ride the boat, if it gets wavy, wave, if it gets faster, go fast, and don’t be too one-sided, that’s foolish.”

Yun na nga e, ang laki ng problema ko. One flaw, leads to another, and another until totally X na! hay buhay. I can’t imagine my life not having a hubby and yes, kiddos. That would make my biggest fears come alive.

This may sound lame, but since ikaw at ako lang naman makakabasa nito, pwede ko na ring sabihing, mejo overdue na talaga ako sa deadline. Pero ano naman gagawin ko, go for it kahit di naman intense yung feelings ko?

Minsan may mga lalake ding nakakainis e, gusto mo na nga, pa ayaw ayaw pa. Susme naman, e ako pa ang mag eeffort? Flirting 101? Oh come on! I may have the face of a flirty flirt but seriously, ako’y isang aminadong Maria Clara! So come to my terms or walang mangyayari.

And siguro nga mali yun, kasi from the past, walang umeffort ng bongga, so maybe I am asking too much. Hay ayoko nang isipin, nakakapagod.

Basta Lord, tulungan nyo naman po ako, kung sino man sya magpakita na sya at ng mabistahan. Di ba Lord, sa bawat kaldero may nakalaang takip, may nakalaang takip naman sakin Diba? Please help him make his way to me, safe and sound, alive and kicking! My hugs and kisses are waiting for him!

I’m going crazy na din, so call me baby! :P