on freeing myself

I don’t want to go on blindly following the queue without really knowing what I’m queuing for.

I just kind of feel suffocated trying to fit in the mold that I made for myself and it does not bring me the satisfaction that I hoped for. I don't want to be tied down to the shackles that instead of contributing for my growth, gave me NO freedom to do what I want. 

Truth be told, I don’t want to endure anymore. I am done.

I want to set myself free from my own expectations.

And although my dream is a huge thing, that is why I am here, trying to make things work, I do believe that apart from this, I can make hundred other dreams more.

I won’t push myself too hard anymore because I’ve done it so much, I lost myself in the process. I won’t try so damn hard where I know it only pains me.

It’s okay. I can let go.

Whenever I imagine my life after… I can’t help but feel the fear of nothingness.

However, Fear is a result of lack of faith.

So while my mind creates terrible scenarios, I’ll close my eyes and listen to my heart.

I bow down in surrender, I’m taking off from the wheel and let God do the rest for me.

Aja!

different lives

I have made up my mind to push what needs to be done.

I am in peace in knowing that I have come this far until I said, “this is it! this chapter ends here” (or am I really?)

I’d be honest to say that I’m back to square one.

The problem now lies in comparing myself.

The adjustments that I have to go through.

Honestly, when I think of it, I can’t help but rethink whether I am sure to move forward.

I mean, I love Singapore.

Strangely, the vibe suits me. Safe, efficient and straight-forward.

So when A says that she’s staying. I thought of two things:

1 Worried and Sad--  I’m doing it alone. I thought we’re doing it together?

I am taken aback. I begin to wonder whether I am financially capable for this big move.

2 Happy and relieved – Her here means I can visit SG again! It’s like my one foot off and one foot still on the ground.

I was thinking, what if, HYPOTHETICALLY, my company will give me one month leave same as hers, will I stay?

I looked inside my heart and find that the answer is still NO.

I mean, I know that I'd be losing $$ becuase I'd be jobless and perhaps too available while everyone's busy... It will be life changing as my means will be removed from me. My move may not be as financially satisfying but yeah, I'd like to believe that Money is not everything.

Perhaps, I really reached a point where I cannot go on any further. I feel like going further will just make me unhappy and that I’ll be wasting my life trying to be safe but never really living as passionately as I want to.

Perhaps, this is the end of us being roomies too. I observed that I am so attached to people who I’ve been with since day 1 but ending this setup is inevitable. We are different people with different goals and my goal in the future does not align with hers anymore.

And with that, I need to condition my mind that It is okay.

I need to be in a place where I seek no one for validation as to whether I’m doing it rght or whether I’d regret this move. I need to be in a place where I need to accept that we all have different paths and even though I’m accustomed to not being alone since I’m always with her, it will end, sooner or later.

-->

and it's this soon! 
till we meet again :)

love yo self!

Loving yourself is the greatest love of all.

Some song that I loved to sing when I was younger. And yeah, it’s true.

I’d like to think that I am loving myself in a way that I’m removing it from a highly stressful environment.

I made a promise to go as far as I can. I have paid my dues and reached at this point where I cannot go any further. This ends here.

As I look back, I can only smile at those moments where I felt so helpless and alone.

I couldn’t help but feel a familiar tinge of amusement because during those times, I thought, that was it… game over.

But like any drama series, the moment I said stop, is the highlight of every year and as the new year comes, the story unfolds. It’s like that every year, an episode of almost giving up yet crawling my way to progress.

But now, I’m screaming STOP again.

And I bet, this is the moment. This is the final straw. This is it, no returns.

I don’t have regrets in knowing that I came this point. I can only wish that there would be doors opened since I’m closing this particular door.

I believe that I made the most out of the time given to me, while here, and I have no complaints. If any, I will miss my routine but life goes on.

I used to put myself in a lot of stress because my sense of responsibility just goes way too much. But I thought, I can’t be too hard on myself because that’s what I only have. I can endure harsh conditions and adapt well to changes but I don’t want to do it forever. I have to move on and not block myself from growth.

I love myself. And by saying that I love it means putting my trust that I will be alright.

Aja!

victim

I hate feeling like a victim.

When I was 15, I went to a Girl Scout event.

I went for a week-long event in which, we have about 2 instructors to guide us.

There, we sleep in tents, arrange things ourselves, do basic chores like cooking rice etc.

When my parents visited me, they saw me cooking the rice for the whole team while some of the girls are resting.

They were surprised. I mentioned, I was the one asked by my instructor together with someone else.

I don’t know how I said it but my parents’ faces changed as if pitying me.

By some trick of fate, I did feel sorry for myself too.

In high school, I was teased by some girl, I cried. I thought I don’t want my family to know why I cried because they’ll feel that I am pitiful. So I kept quiet.

Growing up, I had so many moments in life that I did push things for myself. Most of those times, I always wanted to appear strong and cool. So even if I did feel the hit, I always show my straight face, masking my own pain because I didn’t want people to think I am weak.

Come to think of it, almost ALL of the troubles that I was in, I was in the defensive side. I was never in the offensive. And in those moments, I recoil to being helpless.

I always rest my case because I don’t want trouble.

Even with fights with friends, a friend can say a hundred things about my wrongs but I can never remember even one of theirs. I can be hurt multiple times but I can never bring myself to speak ill lest remember it for the purpose of getting even.

I dodge bullets as long as I can but when I get hit, it’s so hard to come into terms on how to win an argument. I am a hopeless case.

Working is similar. I have this habit of accepting faults without much deliberation.

While others try to dig a hole out from a situation, I put myself in the hole, in surrender.

I always thought I have finally learned to defend myself. Because perhaps, experience has shaped me BUT… I always go back to the 15 year old me.

the reality is that I am broken, hurt and vulnerable.

I wanted to avenge but I just can’t dare myself to even lift a finger.

My fights always had me the losing end. Why, because I never defended myself as hard as I can. To me, what is done, had been done and I see no reason to deny my wrongs when I ACTUALLY did it. Or if not, I have been convicted even before trial. I know that it is unjust but I always want to find peace, so I keep quiet.

I may never admit it but i know for a fact that i am living like a victim.and I hate it.
This has to stop.

mine

6.26.18

The world is huge and people are plenty. But how well do we really fit in? or at least, understood?

I am longing for that one soul who understands my points of view in life.

I am longing for that someone who shares the same ideals as I do, and if not, he’s interested in what I believed in. Or has his own, and lives by it with the same conviction as I have with mine.

I am longing for that someone who has a deeper understanding of life and not the superficiality that this world easily promotes.

I know for one that I may not be always right and my ideals were a bunch of perfect idiocrasies.

It may also be the ideal prototype of what should be. The banner every classroom has to live by.

It’s sometimes unrealistic and impractical.

I’ve met people who I share the same wavelengths when it comes to logical perceptions (or lack thereof). I’ve met people who I share the same brand of humour. I’ve met people who I share the same weirdness and whatnots. But I have never met people who share the same DEEP AND INSIGHTFUL sentiments like I have.

It is not to say that I am above there, in fact, I am just an average person who calculates and miscalculates her actions. I am sometimes foolish to give in to bluffs and I am sometimes too invested to even close my eyes even if I know the truth.

However, I have never found someone whom I can talk to anything and everything about life.

Sure, I have friends that I can talk one or two things but I always find myself holding back some info that I think would be too complex to explain for them to understand completely.

I am longing for that one person, who is able to get my views from A-Z.

Just that one person, and the world becomes mine.

entry #1 on a rainy day

6.26.2018

ENTRY ON SELF-AWARENESS

I saw that Mama called me at 6:29AM and I wondered why.

Why so early? She knows I’d just woke up or was too busy preppin for work.

I was running late today because the train was delayed.

There were so many people in the platform waiting for the next train to arrive.

I knew I’d miss the company bus and I was okay with that.

Remembering the missed call, I sent her a msg via Facebook asking about the call.

It turned out, her friend, the one we went to in Bukidnon, died.

I was shocked. I knew she was sick but she was fighting against it.

While in the commute, the rain gets heavier. The glass windows were wet and the wind was strong.

Regardless, I was brought to thinking about human’s mortality.

I thought that people have to realize sooner that we are all a time bomb.

We don’t know when we’re off to explode and disappear and to use our time over trivial things that make up our daily routine, is frustrating.

Sometimes, I think that I was well too aware of the bigger picture. I honestly envy people who just do things as they are, without having to question their purpose or reason because it makes things simpler, faster, fuss-free. It makes things easier, mechanical even.

I, on the other hand, seem to make my life complicated by digging deeper why I do things as they are or why it is important to find my purpose in doing those. I find it hard to continue something that I am not convinced with and even harder to start something that I am not sure of.

I know too well that my time is limited. We all are.

And I know too well that I need to spend the most of it, in worthwhile pursuits.

But being awakened when everyone does the same thing, makes me one in the crowd.

It makes me lonely.

Why people can’t understand things as I do, it makes me a bit indifferent.

But mortality is a reality that we can’t escape and whether or not, some people are doing something worthwhile or just a waste in a given time, is not my business.

I am awakened to a higher understanding that I can’t live forever and that happiness is something someone pursues ALONE. Because it is within an individual if he/she chooses to be happy in whatever circumstance he/she is in.

I am awakened to an understanding that because it is not my business what everyone’s doing, it is also not in their business what I do with mine. I can only focus on what’s mine and believe that I can do everything I put myself into.

I am awakened to an understanding that the moment we are brushed with the issues of our mortality, what flash backs is not really what we possess but what we have done in this world.

I’d like to think that having this awareness is a gift, an edge that I am one step ahead.

I always try to blend in just like everyone, but I’m different and what makes me unique is this knowledge that I am different and I can be confident under my own skin.

too many ways

I’m so tired of going back and forth with my decision to quit.

I know very well that this is the end of the road, yet, I worry so much of the path that I’m going to take after this dead end.

The people around me comfort me by saying that I’ll be okay.

I know I am but I can’t help myself from thinking whether I am ready to let it go.

The travelling lifestyle that I so love, the few people that I’ve grown accustomed to, the ease and convenience of the system, and most of all, the monthly finances that I have been so used… when I put it in equation, I just keep on going back to my decision to endure.

I am indecisive because this is a big decision that involves a huge change in my life.

I don’t want to sound a non-grata but if truth be told, Whenever I think about the life that I am to see and witness, there’s this flood of frightening emotions that come over me. I am leaving a safe and convenient environment in exchange of the chaotic, noisy and dangerous place.

I wanted to quit my job but by that decision comes leaving Singapore.

I am quitting my job lightheartedly, as if it’s the best thing to do but I will be leaving Singapore with a heavy heart.

I am thinking, that is life.

We are a dynamic species with the perks to move, life is meant to be explored.

And my journey is not even half of it!

Aja!

the truth about Looks...

“Looks are not important.”

I beg to disagree. Without hypocrisy.

Our world works well with beauty. We like beautiful things, easy on the eyes, a joy to see.

We are in the society with biased perceptions.

We trust a person who is clean and dresses well rather than a person with dirty appeal.

Few years back I applied for one of the biggest banks in the world and luckily, I was accepted.

I knew later on that a good friend was chosen as well.

One day, the manager saw us together in a different bank and told us, “Why, You are both here!”

We learned later on that we were chosen partly because of our CV photos.

Whether we admit it or not, We like beautiful people.

We fall into their trap so easily.

My crushes all look the same to me, they all have good looks.

I believed at one point, I had it too. I may not have the best features but I am somewaht confident (HAHAHA buhat-bangko)

But along the way, I lost it to stress, age and weight gain.

And when my sister points out that I look different now than what I was back then, she makes it so obvious that I look unattractive nowadays.

I know that for a fact but I can’t help myself from feeling so disappointed and frustrated.

Looks are not important, they say, but IT is.

Let’s cut the bull and admit that we give special attention to beauty.

We spend so many hours in the mirror, perfecting that hairdo, putting on that lipstick, trying out that new dress. We spend a fortune on buying things that make us look good.

Because admit it or not, looking good feels so good!

We all know that being kind is eternal but having the looks makes you kind of special.

People are drawn to you in one glance, wanting to see more of you, know more than that pretty face.

You kindness will only show after piquing up their interest because of your beauty.

In a newspaper, It’s like a headline, it catches your attention then make you read it further.

It is only then you are able to judge if the news is good or bad. Well-written or rubbish.

I’d sound presumptive to say that most opportunities are attributed because you have good looks.

When you use it With charm, you can be everything. With the right attitude, you are ahead of the game.

Looks are important because it is a selling point. It is the cover of the book. The title of the movie. The picture of your story.

Looks are not the everything but it can ultimately jump start you to be something!

currently

“not wise enough on Money matters”

Hmnn…

I was the one who told that to myself and hearing it from someone, it hurts.

I realized that because of my honesty, I am getting into a lot of trouble.

What is supposed to be left unsaid, when someone picks it up and throws it back at me, I feel like it cements my thoughts. It makes me feel as though it’s TRUE.

 Why am I feeling so disappointed?

It’s because I have shared something that I should have not.

When I say, I look so ugly, I am broke or I don’t have investments and worry about it a lot, people who hear me think that I am really in that black hole. And even though, it is true, these words coming from their mouth, add pain to my already depleted self-esteem.

I guess it’s true, what you put into the world is what you are getting.

Because of this, I am trying to change my perspective in life.

Rather than voicing out my worries and weaknesses, I will try to put in the picture of positivity more.

So what if I’m getting ugly? At least I know I’m still not behind. (yeah, somewhat)

What if I’m broke? At least I still can eat 3x a day.

What if I don’t have investments? Money doesn’t grow on trees.

My time will come.

I need to be certain on putting in my best game face and take the challenge as enthusiastic as I can be.

My life isn’t perfect and my worries are just my worries. As long as I breathe, I can change.

I need to focus on important aspects and not be riled up by people telling me nonsense.

After all, I can’t change the world if I am exactly like everyone.

Aja!!!!!

uncalled for

“I think I will have a lovelife na.”

My close friend messaged me one day.

I did not like my initial reaction…

It’s that feeling when a stranger jokes and you need to laugh to be polite?

It’s that feeling when you wanted that last pc of nugget but your friend grabbed it first and of course you have to pretend that you’re okay and to never mind and just eat it?

It’s that feeling when you grabbed that shirt and thought about buying it then someone grabbed the same shirt only to find out that it’s at a discounted price?

I can’t put a proper way of expressing why I feel the way I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for others. Finding love, your person--- is one in a million.

However, I’d be honest to say that there’s an unwarranted pang of pain creeping in my heart with these types of news.

I hate myself when I feel this way. It’s like taunting me to be anxious and self-conscious.

It’s the scent of jealousy, an uncalled for emotion.

I might be jealous because I have never felt something so intense, enough to get me to be in a relationship.

I feel so jealous that it comes so easy to most.

I feel jealous that others are given the chance, to savor it and live with it.

It’s an ordinary feat to most, but not for me.

On one hand, I acknowledge that love is fated. Each one of us has this invisible connection to someone who is meant for us, and whether it presents itself as time goes by or by that instant we see that someone, time can only tell.

Love is a wonderful thing and it brings so much joy and inspiration to people.

I keep on pushing myself to never look for it because it will come when the time is right.

I keep on reminding myself to love myself more because someday, my person will come and he too, have lived his life to his own accord.

Love gives us power so much that it can either make us or break us.

I want to maintain my cool by thinking that the kind of love that I deserve is not much like the others because mine is something that I waited for so long. I’d like to think that Love is a custom-made thing that perfectly works according to personality.

I shall wait for that love.

With fidelity.

No matter what.

PS sorry about this post, this is far UNCALLED for.

migraine

Ever since, I am plagued by this damned Migraine.

Regardless of the plans I make for the day, whenever I have Migraine, I really need to lie down and halt my activities. I feel like I’ve abused my body so much that it ultimately fights back.

I am a strong, independent woman who is able to fend for herself but Me having a migraine makes me so baby-ish. I’d like people to take care of me. Prepare my bed, get me water and the meds etc. In a way, it makes me vulnerable. It makes me want to depend on other people without feeling awkward.

It’s a perfect excuse! LOL

Kidding aside, while I loathe having migraine because it makes me less of an independent woman, on the flip side, having a migraine makes me humble and re-evaluate what is essential to my life.

When I have migraine, I feel the desire to give up everything and just sleep. In that moment, everything just fades. The new hauls for my next ootd (char!), the newly released drone that I just got and need to test or even the thoughts of backpacking all around Europe, they all become just fragments and do not add weight to what it valuable in my life.

Whenever I have migraine, I can’t think of anything but to be well. To be okay. To be better. To sleep it off and wake up brand new.

I do think that my Migraine reminds me of how important it is to value every minute of my life. It reminds me to appreciate being well and having the health to do my activities but at the same time, to never abuse my body. Having a migraine makes me appreciate the people around me because yeah, No man’s an island. It makes me put my perspectives in a proper order.

What is precious in my life?

It solidifies that it’s the little things, the wild abandon of people’s opinions, the surrender to faith, the family.

Ultimately,  I am reminded of these things as often as having a migraine! And it happens almost every month! It sucks but rocks?

i got this!

*** early morning thought ***

“ON MY OWN, pretending he’s beside me… on my own…”

Woke up early this morning feeling heavy. I’ve been feeling lazy these days that when my alarm strikes, I don’t want to get up instantly. I’d like to call in sick. If it can’t be helped.

I’m not the type to sleep on an alarm, I don’t snooze either. Once my alarm goes, I’d be quick to get up and bring my arse to the bathroom, getting ready to come to work. But these days… Nah. I feel like I want to slack off.

It must’ve been the lingering feeling of anxiety over my life-changing decision.

I’m scared, confused and worried all in one and I just can’t shake those off.

But I’m trying. I would want not to go over my decision a thousand times because chances are, it makes me a hell lot more confused. Should I do it or should I postpone? These thoughts are killing me. I become NEGA and passive and that’s not a good idea.

On my own.

I have been accustomed to being on my own and doing whatever I please. After all, I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need anyone to complete me. (or am I really?)

My thoughts are all over the place and I’d like to convince myself that I am sure about my stuff.

But I’m praying and hoping I’m doing the right thing. God help me.

I got this!!! Aja!!

semper fidelis.

You get the level of satisfaction in knowing that you have made the most out of the situation.

I am grateful that I was able to enjoy my youth in Singapore.

I feel proud in knowing that I have spent years working like a cow, saving, even a little and travelled as far as my imagination. It made my twenties a lot worthwhile.

So when someone says, what are your achievements? I can’t think of anything that makes me so happy than traveling to places by my own means. Sure I did not get a double degree or a Masters or a Licence at a certain field but what are those when I feel happy just by the pictures and memories that I have accumulated?

When I look back, I’d like a pat on my back and say that I did well. I have endured the harshest of winds--- mostly alone. And I have never known how strong I was until being strong is the only thing I’m left with. I was never the type who calls my parents whenever I have problems because I feel like I am worrying them and doing it on my own, I feel like I’ve succeeded in mentally strengthening myself. I discovered that I am a fighter whilst the niceties.

Whenever I think about this episode in my life, I feel happy, thankful and sad. Sad for the obvious reason that this moment right here will never be rewind. My memories here are solid because it was a memory on which I was on a boat and paddled my way to and from the shore--- by myself.

I’d like to believe that I had my grandest time here. No regrets, just love.

just do it, already!

JUST DO IT, ALREADY!

Some line I hear from the movie KNOCKED UP last night. And contrary from the movie’s sexual innuendo, the line struck me in a way that I am pushed to just do what I intend to do.

You see, the past few months have been really hard on me as I keep going back and forth in my decision to quit. I’m quitting not because I have ill feelings but because I want to start my life anew.

I have been thinking about moving back to Davao and it took me years to just go with it. I assigned 2018 as the year to do it because yeah, I’m 31! And while age is just a number, my permanent status in a foreign land isn’t Just a JUST thing.

While I slowly prepare myself to let go of the things that I have become accustomed to, here in Singapore, a part of me wouldn’t let me have peace in surrendering everything. I always find myself in a situation wherein I opt to stay. But if I give in, I know it’s now or never.

Contemplating on my next move is so much harder than when it was in my 20s. My decision to move back has earned me countless of sleepless nights as moving back entails being jobless, perhaps bored, financially unstable and some terrifying things that I can think of. And believe me when I say that I am terrified at my own thoughts. Worried about my future.

But then again, I want to see the bigger picture of why I want to move back.

For one, Family. I want to spend time with family as I’ve missed so many things for the past 7 yrs. And quite frankly, whenever I go home, I feel like I’m becoming more of myself and less of my family, Strange. Distance and absence took a toll on relationships.

Second, I need to create something for myself. Something that would be worth my time and would make me happy. What could that be? I am bound to know.

Whether I’d be moving somewhere after moving back or go back to studying law or earn my Masters, whether I take up a job or start my own biz… honestly, I have no idea. And foolish as it may sound to some, I don’t really have a concrete plan.

I just want to live. When I came to SG 7 yrs ago, I didn’t have a plan either. I believe, I can just wing it. I always have.

I should just do it and see where I go. Just do it!