prexypinoy to the world

I don’t want to go on blindly following the queue without really knowing what I’m queuing for. I just kind of feel suffocated trying to fit in the mold that I made for myself and it does not bring me the satisfaction that I hoped for. I don't want to be tied down to the shackles that instead of contributing for my growth, gave me NO freedom to do what I want.  Truth be told, I don’t want to endure anymore.  I am done. I want to set myself free from my own expectations. And although my dream is a huge thing, that is why I am here, trying to make things work, I do believe that apart from this, I can make hundred other dreams more. I won’t push myself too hard anymore because I’ve done it so much, I lost myself in the process. I won’t try so damn hard where I know it only pains me. It’s okay. I can let go. Whenever I imagine my life after… I can’t help but feel the fear of nothingness. However, Fear is a result of lack of faith. So while my mind ...

I have made up my mind to push what needs to be done. I am in peace in knowing that I have come this far until I said, “this is it! this chapter ends here” (or am I really?) I’d be honest to say that I’m back to square one. The problem now lies in comparing myself. The adjustments that I have to go through. Honestly, when I think of it, I can’t help but rethink whether I am sure to move forward. I mean, I love Singapore. Strangely, the vibe suits me. Safe, efficient and straight-forward. So when A says that she’s staying. I thought of two things: 1 Worried and Sad--   I’m doing it alone. I thought we’re doing it together? I am taken aback. I begin to wonder whether I am financially capable for this big move. 2 Happy and relieved – Her here means I can visit SG again! It’s like my one foot off and one foot still on the ground. I was thinking, what if, HYPOTHETICALLY, my company will give me one month leave same as hers, will I stay? I looke...

Loving yourself is the greatest love of all. Some song that I loved to sing when I was younger. And yeah, it’s true. I’d like to think that I am loving myself in a way that I’m removing it from a highly stressful environment. I made a promise to go as far as I can. I have paid my dues and reached at this point where I cannot go any further. This ends here. As I look back, I can only smile at those moments where I felt so helpless and alone. I couldn’t help but feel a familiar tinge of amusement because during those times, I thought, that was it… game over. But like any drama series, the moment I said stop, is the highlight of every year and as the new year comes, the story unfolds. It’s like that every year, an episode of almost giving up yet crawling my way to progress. But now, I’m screaming STOP again. And I bet, this is the moment. This is the final straw. This is it, no returns. I don’t have regrets in knowing that I came this point. I can only w...

I hate feeling like a victim. When I was 15, I went to a Girl Scout event. I went for a week-long event in which, we have about 2 instructors to guide us. There, we sleep in tents, arrange things ourselves, do basic chores like cooking rice etc. When my parents visited me, they saw me cooking the rice for the whole team while some of the girls are resting. They were surprised. I mentioned, I was the one asked by my instructor together with someone else. I don’t know how I said it but my parents’ faces changed as if pitying me. By some trick of fate, I did feel sorry for myself too. In high school, I was teased by some girl, I cried. I thought I don’t want my family to know why I cried because they’ll feel that I am pitiful. So I kept quiet. Growing up, I had so many moments in life that I did push things for myself. Most of those times, I always wanted to appear strong and cool. So even if I did feel the hit, I always show my straight face, masking my own...

6.26.18 The world is huge and people are plenty. But how well do we really fit in? or at least, understood? I am longing for that one soul who understands my points of view in life. I am longing for that someone who shares the same ideals as I do, and if not, he’s interested in what I believed in. Or has his own, and lives by it with the same conviction as I have with mine. I am longing for that someone who has a deeper understanding of life and not the superficiality that this world easily promotes. I know for one that I may not be always right and my ideals were a bunch of perfect idiocrasies. It may also be the ideal prototype of what should be. The banner every classroom has to live by. It’s sometimes unrealistic and impractical. I’ve met people who I share the same wavelengths when it comes to logical perceptions (or lack thereof). I’ve met people who I share the same brand of humour. I’ve met people who I share the same weirdness and whatnots. But I have ...

6.26.2018 ENTRY ON SELF-AWARENESS I saw that Mama called me at 6:29AM and I wondered why. Why so early? She knows I’d just woke up or was too busy preppin for work. I was running late today because the train was delayed. There were so many people in the platform waiting for the next train to arrive. I knew I’d miss the company bus and I was okay with that. Remembering the missed call, I sent her a msg via Facebook asking about the call. It turned out, her friend, the one we went to in Bukidnon, died. I was shocked. I knew she was sick but she was fighting against it. While in the commute, the rain gets heavier. The glass windows were wet and the wind was strong. Regardless, I was brought to thinking about human’s mortality. I thought that people have to realize sooner that we are all a time bomb. We don’t know when we’re off to explode and disappear and to use our time over trivial things that make up our daily routine, is frustrating. Sometim...

I’m so tired of going back and forth with my decision to quit. I know very well that this is the end of the road, yet, I worry so much of the path that I’m going to take after this dead end. The people around me comfort me by saying that I’ll be okay. I know I am but I can’t help myself from thinking whether I am ready to let it go. The travelling lifestyle that I so love, the few people that I’ve grown accustomed to, the ease and convenience of the system, and most of all, the monthly finances that I have been so used… when I put it in equation, I just keep on going back to my decision to endure. I am indecisive because this is a big decision that involves a huge change in my life. I don’t want to sound a non-grata but if truth be told, Whenever I think about the life that I am to see and witness, there’s this flood of frightening emotions that come over me. I am leaving a safe and convenient environment in exchange of the chaotic, noisy and dangerous place. ...

“Looks are not important.” I beg to disagree. Without hypocrisy. Our world works well with beauty. We like beautiful things, easy on the eyes, a joy to see. We are in the society with biased perceptions. We trust a person who is clean and dresses well rather than a person with dirty appeal. Few years back I applied for one of the biggest banks in the world and luckily, I was accepted. I knew later on that a good friend was chosen as well. One day, the manager saw us together in a different bank and told us, “Why, You are both here!” We learned later on that we were chosen partly because of our CV photos. Whether we admit it or not, We like beautiful people. We fall into their trap so easily. My crushes all look the same to me, they all have good looks. I believed at one point, I had it too. I may not have the best features but I am somewaht confident (HAHAHA buhat-bangko) But along the way, I lost it to stress, age and weight gain. And when my sis...

“not wise enough on Money matters” Hmnn… I was the one who told that to myself and hearing it from someone, it hurts. I realized that because of my honesty, I am getting into a lot of trouble. What is supposed to be left unsaid, when someone picks it up and throws it back at me, I feel like it cements my thoughts. It makes me feel as though it’s TRUE.  Why am I feeling so disappointed? It’s because I have shared something that I should have not. When I say, I look so ugly, I am broke or I don’t have investments and worry about it a lot, people who hear me think that I am really in that black hole. And even though, it is true, these words coming from their mouth, add pain to my already depleted self-esteem. I guess it’s true, what you put into the world is what you are getting. Because of this, I am trying to change my perspective in life. Rather than voicing out my worries and weaknesses, I will try to put in the picture of positivity more. ...

“I think I will have a lovelife na.” My close friend messaged me one day. I did not like my initial reaction… It’s that feeling when a stranger jokes and you need to laugh to be polite? It’s that feeling when you wanted that last pc of nugget but your friend grabbed it first and of course you have to pretend that you’re okay and to never mind and just eat it? It’s that feeling when you grabbed that shirt and thought about buying it then someone grabbed the same shirt only to find out that it’s at a discounted price? I can’t put a proper way of expressing why I feel the way I do. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for others. Finding love, your person--- is one in a million. However, I’d be honest to say that there’s an unwarranted pang of pain creeping in my heart with these types of news. I hate myself when I feel this way. It’s like taunting me to be anxious and self-conscious. It’s the scent of jealousy, an uncalled for emotion. I might be jealou...

Ever since, I am plagued by this damned Migraine. Regardless of the plans I make for the day, whenever I have Migraine, I really need to lie down and halt my activities. I feel like I’ve abused my body so much that it ultimately fights back. I am a strong, independent woman who is able to fend for herself but Me having a migraine makes me so baby-ish. I’d like people to take care of me. Prepare my bed, get me water and the meds etc. In a way, it makes me vulnerable. It makes me want to depend on other people without feeling awkward. It’s a perfect excuse! LOL Kidding aside, while I loathe having migraine because it makes me less of an independent woman, on the flip side, having a migraine makes me humble and re-evaluate what is essential to my life. When I have migraine, I feel the desire to give up everything and just sleep. In that moment, everything just fades. The new hauls for my next ootd (char!), the newly released drone that I just got and need to test or eve...

*** early morning thought *** “ON MY OWN, pretending he’s beside me… on my own…” Woke up early this morning feeling heavy. I’ve been feeling lazy these days that when my alarm strikes, I don’t want to get up instantly. I’d like to call in sick. If it can’t be helped. I’m not the type to sleep on an alarm, I don’t snooze either. Once my alarm goes, I’d be quick to get up and bring my arse to the bathroom, getting ready to come to work. But these days… Nah. I feel like I want to slack off. It must’ve been the lingering feeling of anxiety over my life-changing decision. I’m scared, confused and worried all in one and I just can’t shake those off. But I’m trying. I would want not to go over my decision a thousand times because chances are, it makes me a hell lot more confused. Should I do it or should I postpone? These thoughts are killing me. I become NEGA and passive and that’s not a good idea. On my own. I have been accustomed to being on my own and doin...

Yo u get the level of satisfaction in knowing that you have made the most out of the situation. I am grateful that I was able to enjoy my youth in Singapore. I feel proud in knowing that I have spent years working like a cow, saving, even a little and travelled as far as my imagination. It made my twenties a lot worthwhile. So when someone says, what are your achievements? I can’t think of anything that makes me so happy than traveling to places by my own means. Sure I did not get a double degree or a Masters or a Licence at a certain field but what are those when I feel happy just by the pictures and memories that I have accumulated? When I look back, I’d like a pat on my back and say that I did well. I have endured the harshest of winds--- mostly alone. And I have never known how strong I was until being strong is the only thing I’m left with. I was never the type who calls my parents whenever I have problems because I feel like I am worrying them and doing it on my ow...

JUST DO IT, ALREADY! Some line I hear from the movie KNOCKED UP last night. And contrary from the movie’s sexual innuendo, the line struck me in a way that I am pushed to just do what I intend to do. You see, the past few months have been really hard on me as I keep going back and forth in my decision to quit. I’m quitting not because I have ill feelings but because I want to start my life anew. I have been thinking about moving back to Davao and it took me years to just go with it. I assigned 2018 as the year to do it because yeah, I’m 31! And while age is just a number, my permanent status in a foreign land isn’t Just a JUST thing. While I slowly prepare myself to let go of the things that I have become accustomed to, here in Singapore, a part of me wouldn’t let me have peace in surrendering everything. I always find myself in a situation wherein I opt to stay. But if I give in, I know it’s now or never. Contemplating on my next move is so much harder than when i...