victim

I hate feeling like a victim.

When I was 15, I went to a Girl Scout event.

I went for a week-long event in which, we have about 2 instructors to guide us.

There, we sleep in tents, arrange things ourselves, do basic chores like cooking rice etc.

When my parents visited me, they saw me cooking the rice for the whole team while some of the girls are resting.

They were surprised. I mentioned, I was the one asked by my instructor together with someone else.

I don’t know how I said it but my parents’ faces changed as if pitying me.

By some trick of fate, I did feel sorry for myself too.

In high school, I was teased by some girl, I cried. I thought I don’t want my family to know why I cried because they’ll feel that I am pitiful. So I kept quiet.

Growing up, I had so many moments in life that I did push things for myself. Most of those times, I always wanted to appear strong and cool. So even if I did feel the hit, I always show my straight face, masking my own pain because I didn’t want people to think I am weak.

Come to think of it, almost ALL of the troubles that I was in, I was in the defensive side. I was never in the offensive. And in those moments, I recoil to being helpless.

I always rest my case because I don’t want trouble.

Even with fights with friends, a friend can say a hundred things about my wrongs but I can never remember even one of theirs. I can be hurt multiple times but I can never bring myself to speak ill lest remember it for the purpose of getting even.

I dodge bullets as long as I can but when I get hit, it’s so hard to come into terms on how to win an argument. I am a hopeless case.

Working is similar. I have this habit of accepting faults without much deliberation.

While others try to dig a hole out from a situation, I put myself in the hole, in surrender.

I always thought I have finally learned to defend myself. Because perhaps, experience has shaped me BUT… I always go back to the 15 year old me.

the reality is that I am broken, hurt and vulnerable.

I wanted to avenge but I just can’t dare myself to even lift a finger.

My fights always had me the losing end. Why, because I never defended myself as hard as I can. To me, what is done, had been done and I see no reason to deny my wrongs when I ACTUALLY did it. Or if not, I have been convicted even before trial. I know that it is unjust but I always want to find peace, so I keep quiet.

I may never admit it but i know for a fact that i am living like a victim.and I hate it.
This has to stop.