different lives

I have made up my mind to push what needs to be done.

I am in peace in knowing that I have come this far until I said, “this is it! this chapter ends here” (or am I really?)

I’d be honest to say that I’m back to square one.

The problem now lies in comparing myself.

The adjustments that I have to go through.

Honestly, when I think of it, I can’t help but rethink whether I am sure to move forward.

I mean, I love Singapore.

Strangely, the vibe suits me. Safe, efficient and straight-forward.

So when A says that she’s staying. I thought of two things:

1 Worried and Sad--  I’m doing it alone. I thought we’re doing it together?

I am taken aback. I begin to wonder whether I am financially capable for this big move.

2 Happy and relieved – Her here means I can visit SG again! It’s like my one foot off and one foot still on the ground.

I was thinking, what if, HYPOTHETICALLY, my company will give me one month leave same as hers, will I stay?

I looked inside my heart and find that the answer is still NO.

I mean, I know that I'd be losing $$ becuase I'd be jobless and perhaps too available while everyone's busy... It will be life changing as my means will be removed from me. My move may not be as financially satisfying but yeah, I'd like to believe that Money is not everything.

Perhaps, I really reached a point where I cannot go on any further. I feel like going further will just make me unhappy and that I’ll be wasting my life trying to be safe but never really living as passionately as I want to.

Perhaps, this is the end of us being roomies too. I observed that I am so attached to people who I’ve been with since day 1 but ending this setup is inevitable. We are different people with different goals and my goal in the future does not align with hers anymore.

And with that, I need to condition my mind that It is okay.

I need to be in a place where I seek no one for validation as to whether I’m doing it rght or whether I’d regret this move. I need to be in a place where I need to accept that we all have different paths and even though I’m accustomed to not being alone since I’m always with her, it will end, sooner or later.

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and it's this soon! 
till we meet again :)