entry #1 on a rainy day

6.26.2018

ENTRY ON SELF-AWARENESS

I saw that Mama called me at 6:29AM and I wondered why.

Why so early? She knows I’d just woke up or was too busy preppin for work.

I was running late today because the train was delayed.

There were so many people in the platform waiting for the next train to arrive.

I knew I’d miss the company bus and I was okay with that.

Remembering the missed call, I sent her a msg via Facebook asking about the call.

It turned out, her friend, the one we went to in Bukidnon, died.

I was shocked. I knew she was sick but she was fighting against it.

While in the commute, the rain gets heavier. The glass windows were wet and the wind was strong.

Regardless, I was brought to thinking about human’s mortality.

I thought that people have to realize sooner that we are all a time bomb.

We don’t know when we’re off to explode and disappear and to use our time over trivial things that make up our daily routine, is frustrating.

Sometimes, I think that I was well too aware of the bigger picture. I honestly envy people who just do things as they are, without having to question their purpose or reason because it makes things simpler, faster, fuss-free. It makes things easier, mechanical even.

I, on the other hand, seem to make my life complicated by digging deeper why I do things as they are or why it is important to find my purpose in doing those. I find it hard to continue something that I am not convinced with and even harder to start something that I am not sure of.

I know too well that my time is limited. We all are.

And I know too well that I need to spend the most of it, in worthwhile pursuits.

But being awakened when everyone does the same thing, makes me one in the crowd.

It makes me lonely.

Why people can’t understand things as I do, it makes me a bit indifferent.

But mortality is a reality that we can’t escape and whether or not, some people are doing something worthwhile or just a waste in a given time, is not my business.

I am awakened to a higher understanding that I can’t live forever and that happiness is something someone pursues ALONE. Because it is within an individual if he/she chooses to be happy in whatever circumstance he/she is in.

I am awakened to an understanding that because it is not my business what everyone’s doing, it is also not in their business what I do with mine. I can only focus on what’s mine and believe that I can do everything I put myself into.

I am awakened to an understanding that the moment we are brushed with the issues of our mortality, what flash backs is not really what we possess but what we have done in this world.

I’d like to think that having this awareness is a gift, an edge that I am one step ahead.

I always try to blend in just like everyone, but I’m different and what makes me unique is this knowledge that I am different and I can be confident under my own skin.