I'll be there

Showing Up

That’s my two words this year.

I’d like to think I grew up accustomed to people making time for things such as family gatherings, gym sessions, chikahan, get-togethers, random coffee dates, and everything in between. We just did. But adulthood has a way of making things complicated.

A friend once said, “We’re kind of being pulled in life’s direction. We don’t really have a say. When you have kids, that’s basically your center.”

I agreed.

What used to be easy now requires planning, coordinating schedules, and sometimes more energy than the event itself. But I guess surviving a few hardships on my own taught me the importance of showing up. Now more than ever.

Showing up has shaped how I see work relationships.

When coworkers decide to leave, I'm usually the first to suggest a send-off lunch, especially since we all work remotely. I used to think a last day at work should be quiet and subtle. But I've realized that what stays with you isn't the job itself. It's the people who made you feel valued while you were there.

So I make time. I try to gather people, share a meal, and create one last memory together. Because sometimes showing up isn't about the big moments. Sometimes it's simply letting someone know that they mattered.

When one of my closest friends invited me to Winnipeg, I said yes.

I’m grateful I did because the trip felt like a rediscovery. Imagine being friends for more than three decades and only finding out now that we both don't eat tilapia, catfish, and are both occasionally shy. How did that never come up?

I’ve always known her as someone who was well-protected and cared for. But spending time with her now gave me a different perspective. I saw her as a mother, as the family's go-to person, as someone constantly juggling work and countless responsibilities. I saw how intentionally she shows up for the people who matter to her.

I left inspired.

When another friend invited me on a camping trip, I finally said yes after turning down multiple invitations. To me, it felt like it was about time. It meant being open and ready. It meant being vulnerable because, hello, people were going to see me the morning after with a puffy face, no effort, and probably with muta, laway, and all. LOL.

Being there felt like belonging to a community. It meant getting to know people beyond the usual "hi" and "hello." The cold wind on a starry night encouraged everyone to sit a little closer and naturally share stories. The rainy night meant focusing on survival while somehow not caring too much about how wet everything in my tent had become. Everything was beyond my control.

Oddly enough, it probably gave me one of the best sleeps I've ever had.

Showing up is an opportunity not only to be part of someone's life but also to share a part of yourself. But it requires vulnerability, something I've always tried to avoid.

As a proud, strong, independent woman, I’m not exactly fond of asking for help. I’ve always just carried on and pursued things through hell or high water. I've realized that I've spent so much time trying to be independent that I've become accustomed to surviving, struggling, thriving, and carrying everything on my own. Quietly.

In my loneliest moments, almost as if they have ESP, I've always had people randomly checking in on me. I'm always grateful for my sister, who somehow feels like a group of five people all rolled into one. Close friends who send random funny posts or videos. In moments when I feel like I'm slowly caving in, they bring me solace.

It’s weird how perfect the timing always is.

That reality was tested when I was scheduled for surgery.

What I learned is this: In order for people to show up, you have to give them the opportunity to.

Before my surgery, I asked friends to pray for me. Collective prayers feel like a constellation of stars. Stars shine brighter together.

I am grateful for the friend who took a day off work just to keep me company during my surgery. I'll probably always think of it as a debt of gratitude that can never really be repaid.

I'm thankful for the people who lent me their ears while I shared my doubts and fears. For the friends who gave me strength whenever anxiety crept in. For everyone who checked in afterward to see how I was doing.

Every message, every prayer, every presence mattered.

Because sometimes, showing up is the gift.

And sometimes, letting people show up for you is one too.

Me, Myself and You

“I don’t want to be with myself. That’s the problem. Because I have so many dark thoughts”, saad nya.

Sabi ko, “It’s something that you should learn.”

“What about you?”, tanong nya.

Magsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong okay na ako lang mag isa palagi. Pero hindi mali na sabihin na gusto kong mapag isa. May difference yun. I like having an option. Yung minsan feel mong okay pag you’re with someone or in a group, gumala ganyan. Pero I crave alone time. I like myself. (Parang Narcissistic pakinggan but that’s the truth). I like that I don’t bow to anyone or ask for approval and validation. When I go on my solo dates, I enjoy myself. I barely look at my phone and just take the moment in. That’s the sentimental in me.

Book me a trip somewhere by myself and I’d be okay. I’ll always survive and somehow thrive. While kinausap ko sya narealize kong not everyone has the same demeanor when it comes to being alone. Tinrace ko and I found out that at a very early age, I was pursuing independence.

I have this memory of my Mama and me. Sinama nya ako sa palengke. I was maybe, 5 or 6. She gave me 5 pesos and asked me to buy calamansi. Dati yung vendor would measure it by 100 pieces. Nakalimutan ko na magkano per 100 pcs pero basta, I haggled with the vendor and she gave me more for 5 pesos. I was so happy. I rushed to my Mama and andun lang pala sya nag oobserve. It was probably my earliest memory of my independence training.

When I was Grade 6. Gusto ko sanang kumandidato sa school government. I was getting ready for it then nung nagpapa sign na nung clearance (dapat clear sya of any records bago maging eligible), sinabihan ako nung prefect of Discipline namin na I incurred so many lates. So di ako pwedeng tumakbo sa student government. We ended up our conversation na ako na yung COMELEC chairperson that year. Yes, I volunteered. LOL

When I look back, these memories are the foundation talaga of who I’d become. Whenever people ask me if I’m good doing solo traveling, solo concerts, solo bowling, etc… honestly, how could I not? Early on, I had been trained. Sabihin na nating, it comes natural to me. In fact, I don’t think I have the patience to wait on someone.

One thing din na napansin ko closely is my drive for spontaneity. I plan my future, yes, pero sa mga maliliit na bagay na pwede namang gawin na anytime, I just wing it. I like the thrill of a spontaneous activities. Siguro when someone says, “hey, let’s go to LA next week”, more chances to say Yes than No. I think isa ito sa mga ways na parang nagrebel ako sa sobrang planner self ko.

So balik tayo sa tanong nya, “what do you think about when you’re alone? Let’s say when you’re in a café?”. Ako naman tung nasurprise… sabi ko, “Nothing and Everything, really.” He asked, “Don’t you feel sad and lonely?”. I said, “why?”

For me it’s really about perspectives. Parang self-pity lang yan. When you dwell na kawawa ka, you would become that, exactly. So why would I feel sad and lonely? I always feel empowered. Parang naiisip ko yung scene sa movie na the lead is glowing, blooming, sparkling, yung vibe nya is like declaring “Hello World, Hello People, this is me, I love me!”

While listening to me he said, “I like your mindset”. Nagustuhan nya daw yung positivity ko. I said, “Listen, I have traveled far and wide. I’ve been to fast growing countries and I’ve come from a developing one. Can you imagine how many years it is and we’re still on the developing side? My being here is a gift itself. My reality has shaped how I looked at life.”

And let’s be honest, the more ko nakita yung mundo, the more ko naappreciate yung mga bagay na meron ako. I didn’t come from wealth. I don’t have much either. I’m far from being a rich tita (yung main goal ko) but I guess, I’m just thankful. Kasi hindi lahat nabibigyan ng chance to go after what they want. The more kong naiisip yan, the more thankful din ako sa parents ko. They have equipped me. They supported me in whatever decision I made for myself. They allow me to be me. No matter what.

I told him, “You might want to consider discovering, exploring, getting yourself out there because it is in these moments where we learn a thing or two about ourselves.” Totoo naman. Minsan kasi I feel na we are so hyper focus on being ganito, ganyan when really at the end of the day what matters are the basic things. Yung peace of mind. Yung inner joy in doing things na nakakasaya ng puso. Yung little moments that brightens your soul. Ewan ko ba.

I don’t want to sound like I’m his therapist because I do have my own share of demons din. Hindi naman always okay tayo diba? But maybe what works for me is really day by day gratitude. Yung pag gising ko pa lang, “TY Lord. Salamat po kasi nagising pa ako. Today is a present kasi I am present.”

He said, “I think I like spending more time with you.” I said, “Same, I like spending time with myself too!”

Joke! :P

Villa Royal

There’s this feeling you get when you’re into something… but then you suddenly step back and wonder if you’re really into it. Like you’re present, but also watching yourself from the outside.

I know I can be intense sometimes, but at my core, I’m someone who can peel herself away from everything. A friend once told me, “You’re too sentimental.” And honestly, I agreed. I am, but only when I allow myself to be. I’ve learned I can detach too. To some, I’m a good friend. To others, a better one. To most, I’m hard to read.

When I’m getting to know someone new, I can show up, see you, spend time with you… but am I emotionally there? I don’t know. Half the time I feel like I’m just going with the flow. Someone asked me, “So what could we be?” and I paused. It was a big question. I had no answer. I’m seeing this guy and I keep thinking… could I really do this?

I don’t know. Being single is hard but trying to change that feels even harder. I had no idea. I guess I'm just so used to feeling so secured with myself. I’m so deep into self-love, into this independent-woman version of myself, that giving it up feels like my blood is slowly being drained out of me. No joke. A friend asked, “Isn’t your goal to have a family someday?”

It was. It still is. It’s probably my ultimate dream. 

Do I really have to go through all this just to find my match? Sometimes I swear I belong in a different era. Am I even 100%, hook, line and sinker, balls deep into this goal?  I’ve put so much effort into meeting people. For most of my friends, it’s the normal route. For me? It feels like I’m overexerting. I feel exhausted. 

Believe me when I say that I'm trying really hard these days. Because if it was just up to me, I'd probably spend my days at home watching some kilig series, sketching, doing my walks and reading some good romance novels. But I'm kind of possessed these days. I'm trying to break a routine. I'm trying to get out of my shell because hello, we're not 16 anymore. When I'm old and gray, at least I get to have stories to tell. You get what I mean?

Speaking of novels, I’m too much of a romance-novel girl. My own story feels short compared to the ones I read. Those pocketbooks with series like Villa Royal, where the lead men live on an island. They’re successful, good-looking, magnetic. And somehow, life gave me my own version. Or so I thought.

There’s Brad, the guy from New York who flew all the way here to meet me.

Damien, the Turkish legal counsel who gave up everything to start anew.

Lance, good-looking, same sector, solid guy.

And Luis, the guy I met a year ago who came back wanting for more.

Perhaps, some were just in for the cameo. Perhaps some could be for more. 

I don't know and I will never know. I feel like I am one date away from a breakthrough.

Because maybe, just maybe, the real story hasn’t even started yet. 

Seriously, How do you do this?

The threshold

Life has a funny way of pulling you away from people, places and situation that do not serve you.

You get this calmness. The kind that you get when you sit on the high grassy ground and look at the expanse of the field that surround you. A certain sense of serenity. Then you begin to think, “I’m okay.” And it’s not just a phrase to convince yourself but that within these words, lie a deeper conviction. I am good. I will be all right. No matter what.

Perhaps because I make it a point to be as genuine as I can be. Perhaps because I give my all in everything that I do. Perhaps because I always try move with intention. Perhaps because I do what I believe is right that it becomes… easier.

To pull away.

To put a stop.

To move forward.

I leave no stones unturned. I established early on that this life will not have a rewind. I am not fond of regrets. When the time is up, you take it. 

One line struck me, “What needs to flow, let it flow. What needs to crash, let it crash.” It wise to think that in the grand scheme of things, I really do not have an inch of control. 

I held so much space for people. Perhaps to a fault. I bleed for people who do not even take a minute of consideration for me. 

When you feel like you’re too much or too little for them… Maybe, they’re not your people. Not anymore.

I prayed that I’d be removed in these situations. Lo and behold, It feels like we're heading there. 

Divine protection. 

And so, just who am I to hold on to someone or something that no longer fits my story?

It is in falling apart that everything falls into place.

Believe me when I say that as much as I treasure everything… the past belongs to the past. Maybe that’s just a part of my story.

The present is a gift. 

So even with a broken heart, you have to keep going. No regrets. 

 

Aja!

So Easy

You know that feeling when you love a song so much you play it every single day… until one random Thursday you hear the first five seconds and think, if I hear this again I might vomit?

Yep. Olivia Dean’s So Easy (to Fall in Love) does that to me. I loved it. I cherished it. I basically made it my personal anthem. And now? I need space and other songs!

Call it my personal enigma. It does not only happen with a song or a place. It happens with people too. When I like something or someone, I go all in. I monitor their appearances. I am a publicist. I am a brand ambassador. And then… the intensity fades. I get too consumed at first, and then it dies down like a phone battery at 2 percent.

Take Nadine Lustre, for example. I was such a huge fan during her OTWOL days. I loved how simple she seemed, selling her used clothes at a garage sale. I found it refreshing. A celebrity decluttering like the rest of us? Iconic!

Then she kinda morphed into someone else. She made a full 360 turn. And somehow I was the one who got dizzy. I lost interest.

I do not think I have that die hard fanaticism persona. My friend once told me, "why not check out a BTS concert? You might become a fan."

Listen. I like some of their songs. But to spend a crazy amount of money to watch them live? My pockets and I had a meeting. The answer was easy: Hard Pass. I am a fan of John Mayer, but even then I kept myself in check with ticket costs. I am not a fan-fan. You know what I mean? I am emotionally invested but financially responsible.

If there is anything I am dying hard as a fan, it is the people close to me.

I am a fan of my sister. I am a fan of my friends. I am a fan of people who, no matter how much they struggle, still show up every day. I am a fan of people who refuse to dump their anger, misery, and emotional heavy lifting onto everyone else. That takes strength. To me, that deserves merch.

I am also a loyal fan of sushi, dimsum, and pansit. No character development there. I will never get sick of them. I am a fan of traveling and how it makes me feel small in the expanse of the world but big in the expanse of my mind. 

I am a fan of reflective podcasts. I am a fan of transformational leadership. I am a fan of people who try to be good even when being evil would be the easier shortcut.

Some things I will outgrow. Some songs will be overplayed. Some idols will fall off the pedestal I built for them.

I may outplay Olivia's So Easy (to fall in love) but I will always be a fan of love. That one, I will not get sick of.

No matter how my role model of love fails me.

Or no matter how long I have to wait.

Or no matter how my over-two-decade prayer still remains unanswered.

Romantic Baboy

“So, can we unsingle ourselves?” he asked.

“Why not?” I replied.

His smile grew wider. “Does that mean…?”

“Give me three days,” I said.

I’ll be honest. This was never in my plans. This was never how I imagined it would be.

But random and impulsive chapters have always found their way into my life. Funny, because I’ve always seen myself as a passionate planner. Old school. By the book. Follow the rules. And yet, doing something out of the ordinary gives me a thrill.

The random long drives. The biglang liko into a less-traveled path. The impromptu encounters. Call it rebelling against my goody-goody image. After a well-planned week, I crave a breath of fresh air. I crave variety.

It was meant to be a joke.

Three days? Anyone who truly knows me knows how long I take to think things through. I prepare. I mull things over. I contemplate. Big time. I lose sleep before arriving at a single conclusion.

My being single is a mystery in itself.

I once met someone for the first time, and she asked, “Why have you been single for a long time?”

I went quiet. For years, I’ve laughed that question off. Friends know how high my standards are, so I never feel the need to explain. Family members have slowly stopped asking. But a near stranger asking me so casually caught me off guard.

It baffled me more than I expected.

Modesty aside, I’ve always been surrounded by boys, then men, who liked me. Some confessed. Others gave up after realizing how hard it is to woo me. I’m a hopeless case.

Her question sparked something deeper. Bakit nga ba?

First, I believe in love. It’s not as if I’ve been badly hurt. In fact, I’ve never felt that intense, shattering pain from a failed relationship. Second, I’ve had good role models. The kind that make you believe in lasting love, and also quietly fear not finding the same. Lastly, I have requirements. Yes, requirements. Non-negotiable.

But how do you compress all that into one neat answer?

She waited, eager and curious. I smiled, a little confused. I couldn’t brush it off with a laugh the way I do with friends. They know me. This woman barely did, yet she genuinely wanted to.

So I settled on the least complicated truth. “I just haven’t found him yet.”

“But are you dating?” she asked.

Fair question.

To be fair, I’ve had my share of dates and getting-to-know-yous. Are they enough? In that department, I can hardly convince myself. I’d love to shout “Yes!” for dramatic effect, but who am I kidding? Sometimes I go on dates simply because I want company, because I feel social. Does that even count?

Lately I’ve been asking myself, when I go out on dates, is my heart fully in it? Or am I only giving half of myself?

I’m still figuring that out.

The most fascinating part of self-discovery is actually spending time with yourself. These days, I play golf on weekends, meet friends, or take myself out on solo dates. The more time I spend alone, the more convinced I am that I am capable. I can hold my own. I can entertain myself. I don’t get bored being alone.

That scares me. LOL.

Who needs a man when you can take care of yourself? Scary, right?

And yet, my greatest dream, one I repeat over and over, is to settle down and have a little family of my own. How does that dream come true when I’m so good at being me, myself, and I?

Why is it so hard for me to open up to someone who might be a real partner?

Why do I feel like one slightly disastrous date is already a sign of failure? If he’s late. If he has one trait I don’t like. Why does it feel so final?

But then again, if we’re talking about self-discovery, maybe part of it is allowing opportunities in. Maybe it’s letting someone be brave enough to ask.

So when someone says, “Can we unsingle ourselves?”

I thought, how can I cross the bridge if I refuse to step onto it?

Bahala na si Batman.

Of gratitude and its magnitude

“Thank you for…”

I’ve always believed in practicing gratitude. I like being grateful. I like feeling nostalgic about the people, places, and moments that have shaped my life, often in ways far greater than I imagined.

But sometimes, reality insists on being felt.

Things happen. Everything shifts. And you’re left with no choice but to move forward. There’s barely time to adjust. You’re in the front seat, taking it all in while adjusting at the same time.

The change in management at the job you finally love. The shift in personalities of people you thought would be in your life forever. The issues that were supposed to be resolved, but a decade later show up again in the same old patterns. These are changes you never asked for. Changes that need time, but life does not pause just because you need a moment.

It’s difficult. Exhausting, even. You run through every possibility. You draft plans from A to Z. You think, “So this is how things go from here…” And still, you do your best to keep up. To stay afloat. To navigate whatever is in front of you.

No matter how much of a planner you are, ready or not, and most often not, you take it in. You try. You keep trying.

Someone once asked me, “Why do Catholics or Christians thank God even when they’re given problems?”

I smiled. For a second, I had no neat explanation. I could have gone deep into Theology, Psychology, or Philosophy, but how do you explain that thanking God in the middle of trials comes from a personal relationship with Him?

There isn’t always a polished answer. It’s like explaining why you prefer apples over oranges. It’s personal.

What I do know is this. Life isn’t easy. Whose is?

Still, we continue. We hold our heads high. We look for tiny glimmers along the way. The short trips. The pistachio-filled chocolate. A BTS music video. A K-drama kiss scene that feels like it lasts an hour but is really just a dramatic camera spin. Small things. Simple things. But they count.

From a distance, my life might look easy, maybe even glamorous. But the inner battles, the quiet wars in my head, are not easy to fight. And if I let myself dwell there too long, I start sinking instead of swimming.

The more space I give those hard truths, the more power they have over me. Some realities are brutally honest. Painful, even unbearable, to sit with for too long.

“Mental space.” I learned that term recently. And the more I understand it, the more I realize that what we give space to grows. So why give harsh realities more room than they deserve? Why not make more space for the good that is still unfolding?

That’s where gratitude finds its strength.

Thanks for…

A thousand reasons to be grateful, outweighing the dozen demons that try to silence a single thank you.

Podcaster era

 So I started a podcast. It’s an attempt to empty my mind of thoughts that consume most of my day.

Before this, I had no experience speaking into a microphone with a modulated voice. I always felt my voice sounded too crisp for public speaking, let alone for recording. Still, I wanted to try something new and have a platform to share my thoughts, so I gave it a go.

I love listening to podcasts. I get inspiration from the words and statements I hear. When Mel Robbins says, “Let them then, let me,” I pondered on it earnestly.

Mel Robbins said there are two steps: First, let them. Let people have opinions about you, never clap, exclude, or ignore you. Let them because that’s who they are.

Then the most important and probably the hardest step is to let me. Let me take the power to control my thoughts. Let me choose peace. Let me accept. Let me let go.

Hearing this, I had a renewed sense of vitality. It gave me the power to own my story.

Initially, I had planned to release an episode weekly. I might be too ambitious because with a full-time job, a desperate attempt for a fitness routine, and a sure slot for my favourite kdramas, I have no space and time to do recordings, not to mention laborious edits.

“When’s the next episode?” a friend curiously asked.

“Wait, what? You listened?” I said, shockingly.

“Of course, it’s not just you who’s in the same boat with this process of becoming!”, he replied.

Apparently, we’re on this train together. The train keeps moving, it’s going through loops and turns. It’s showing the sunny terrains outside its windows, and then all of a sudden, a pitch black tunnel. We’re anticipating the light at the end. We feel something we couldn’t even name. We’re carrying ourselves to an abyss only we can hope and pray for.

I started this podcast as a way to face my thoughts alongside my truths. While my stand could change anytime, I feel that living in the moment means having the capacity to take things as they are.

“Do I sound like a life coach?” I asked.

“No, you sound so real and confused”, another friend notes.

I don’t know if I can keep this podcast thing up. I’m not in it for the analytics but for the meaning it may contribute.

Just like letting them and letting me, the podcast is a reminder that while we sometimes think that we’re alone in the madness that our lives bring, somehow, somewhere, there’s also one soul who completely gets us.

At this point, that’s more than enough. As my podcast closing line says, stay soft, stay curious, and don’t let anyone rush your becoming.

We’re in this together.

Breakdown, let's break it down

Two days after my parents left for the Philippines after a five-month visit, I got a text from a friend,

“I’m meeting X’s friend.”

It seems harmless and unsuspecting at first. I even laughed. I was not sure who X was, so I asked, Who’s X? And she replied, X, our friend. (Well, technically, X is my long-time friend from school whom I introduced to her.)    

When she clarified what was happening, I felt unsettled. I realized that while others seem to move forward, I am the friend who stays the same. The force of this realization was overwhelming.

If there is some metamorphosis to be had, I would have taken it gladly. But I didn’t. I was thrown back in time, where I just grew complacent. With my relationships, my behaviours, and my sense of happiness.

The realization shook me. The question echoed in my mind: 'How do you take space?' 

I wondered if it meant living boldly or shrinking to stay safe. I began to see that these choices defined how I interact with others and with myself.

For the longest time, I was doing the latter. I was afraid to hold so much space and left myself in a box. I welcomed people, supported them, gave them all the love I could, yet I gave little to myself. It made me feel small. I held space for people to be themselves, which eventually held me back from being mine.

It’s a sunny September. The sun glaring brightly outside was a bitter contrast to how I was feeling. 

For the first time in my life, I got a complete breakdown. 

I cried countless tears for the times I let myself down. For the times I’ve chosen other people’s needs before mine. For the times I may have a shot at happiness, but choose to be just okay. For those times that I ruined bridges because I was completely focused on an alley. I wailed at the thought that I could never blame anyone for feeling this way, because I brought it upon myself.

I’m no stranger to uprooting and rerouting. For fudge’s sake, it’s my second! And yet, I’m still doing the same things I’ve always wanted to break free from. Friends would tell me, “You’re so brave,” yet “Am I really?” When I hang with the same people, drift to the same habits, and limit myself to preconceived notions?

“What’s your greatest fear?”

My response always changes with time. But what seems to be more poignant is this: being alone. I always wondered what makes me fear being alone. Is it really feeling lonely, or is it the idea that I’m always with someone? And being alone somehow feels strange?

It is a given that we fear the inevitable, the unknown, the variable that comes in the in-between, but more than that, I fear for the familiar. I feared losing people I love, relationships going sour, love turning to indifference, because when you think about it, what makes you happy right now is what you have. And what makes you sad is losing a bit of this familiarity.

Crashing like that woke me. 

The reason I’ve wanted to move abroad has got to do with economics, but more than that, it’s about freedom. Of attempting to attain the impossible. But by the looks of it, I am nowhere near my goal. If I keep this up, I may never truly have the chance to change my path.

I no longer want to be trapped by my old patterns. I want to honor my own needs and rebuild myself into someone I aspire to be. My breakdown became a chance to start again.

Free from guilt this time.

Alrighty, Anxiety

Anxiety is a debilitating illness. It can take you from hero to zero in an instant.

Unpacking its root causes has always been a challenge. A negative thought, a bizarre expression, or even a small comment can shift my mood. And when it does, sleep becomes elusive.

I remind myself not to believe every thought I have. For example, when someone seems to be lying through their teeth, my mind spirals into the situation. I jump to conclusions and let my emotions steer my decisions.

Understanding why I feel anxious has been difficult. Sometimes, the steps I take are drastic - like shutting people out.

I’ve talked to friends about it. But when I do, I always downplay what I’m truly feeling. What sounds like a firm “I’m okay” often masks a long night spent battling my thoughts. How do you articulate what you’re really feeling when your mind is flooded with horrible possibilities?

What calms me most is writing. Writing about why I feel what I feel. Writing even the deepest and most complicated parts of my tangled thoughts. I’ve tried to identify my triggers - and it always comes back to the future. There’s one specific topic that intensifies the anxiety. Waiting is slowly killing me.

Yet part of me resists the idea. Am I placing my sense of satisfaction in someone else’s hands? Why wait to feel fulfilled? Isn’t living on my own terms the real goal? Why seek something else when I already have so much?

I feel like for someone who seems to have it all, I keep focusing on what is missing.

I don’t know. Maybe I need to broaden my perspective. Sometimes, the problems I’m facing are just products of an idle mind.

Maybe writing alone isn’t enough. Maybe leaning on just a few people isn’t the answer - it builds walls. Maybe venturing out into the world, meeting more people, and observing how they live could give me a more holistic view of the life I’m shaping. Maybe learning to be curious - to listen, to care, to be present - could ease the anxiety, not by erasing it, but by giving it context. 

Maybe anxiety isn’t the true enemy, since it’s always been part of me. Maybe it’s teaching me something greater - not just how to survive, but how to face the pitfalls and become the hero of my own story.

The "Just" to Happiness

Today’s Morning Question: “What Are You Grateful For?”

Every meeting I join starts with a curveball - some unexpected, often thought-provoking question. Today’s was: “What are you grateful for this morning?”

One by one, we took turns. Someone shared, “I’m grateful for my partner and my dog - for their love, support, and the happiness they bring me.”

I nodded instinctively and thought, “Of course!” But then, my mind (being its usual overthinking self) wandered off into deeper waters.

What does it take to be happy?

That question took me back to something I read online. A dad said he didn’t want to teach his kid to pursue happiness because - get this - it might ruin him. Naturally, my first reaction was: What the heck? Why?!

Then I read further.

He wasn’t against happiness itself. He just didn’t want his child to become obsessed with the idea that life is supposed to be happy all the time. Because it’s not. And believing that it is? That can be dangerous.

And honestly, that hit differently. Because the younger me would have scoffed. The younger me believed happiness was everything. Why bother with life if you’re not chasing that buzz, that spark, that constant sunshine?

But the current me (the one who’s been through a few storms, detours, and existential spirals) knows better. Or at least, knows more.

Happiness, I’ve come to realize, isn’t a neon sign at the end of the road. It’s more like soft glimmers along the way. It’s not a fixed state, not a trophy. It’s fluid, messy, fleeting, beautiful. And wildly personal.

To some, happiness is a big, booming crescendo - the proposal, the promotion, the dream vacation. To others, it’s simply being able to breathe through the day. For many, it’s being surrounded by people who see you, accept you, and love you anyway.

And every version is valid.

But for me? I’ve stopped chasing happiness like it’s a destination. Instead, I try to notice it - where I am. Sometimes, happiness looks like a slow morning. Other times, it’s laughing too hard at a dumb meme. Or having a conversation that’s real and raw and doesn’t require me to perform.

Because honestly? I don't want to chase happiness like it’s something out there. I want to live my emotions as they come. If I’m sad, let me be sad. If I’m hurt, let me feel it. I don’t want to slap on a smile to meet some unrealistic standard of being “okay all the time.”

The worst kind of pretending is pretending you’re happy when you’re anything but.

We often think happiness comes with conditions:

I’ll be happy if I get that job.
I’ll be happy when I find “the one.”
I’ll be happy once I figure it all out.

But what if we flipped the script?

What if happiness didn’t need a reason?

What if it sounded like:

“I’m happy just because.”
“I’m happy right here.”
“I’m happy in the middle of figuring it out.”

Now that feels real.

So today, when I was asked what I’m grateful for... I think the deeper answer is this: I’m grateful for the awareness that I don’t need to chase happiness. I just need to be.

Oh March!

March represents a lot of things to me.

I’d like to break the cycle but maybe it’s part of my process. Once a year, I am challenged mentally. LOL

Since I am here and since I am feeling this way – the birthday blues – I’d just take this chance to unpack my messy head. It is only in breaking down this overwhelming, interwoven, depressing, unpleasant thoughts occupying my time nowadays that I get to see the bigger picture, hopefully.

First, of loneliness. The more I accommodate the thought, the more it gets stronger. My initial resolve is to move somewhere. Well, I am somewhere. So clearly, this isn’t a question of distance but of assimilation. Of getting myself out there. Of meeting people and knowing them – deeply, openly, and allowing them to also see me.  

Second, of uncertainty. I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own. Thinking about ageing and being unhitched with no viable prospect plus your ovaries ticking… always weighed me down. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I’ve got no one telling me they like or has fallen for me… but why can’t I tell them, “Ditto”? I’m on a deadline but here I am, still feeling nothing. Is my heart dead?

Third, of ageing. I know not everyone can reach this age. I am grateful but if I’d be honest, it also scares me. I’m scared to grow old and alone. I’m scared to miss out moments with my loved ones because as I age, they do, too. If I’d be super honest, I’m scared of the imminent possibility of mortality.

Fourth, of poverty. As I age, my expectation for financial stability is something that should be more concrete. It is having solid investments, having the ability to afford comfort not just for myself but for my loved ones and having the capacity to choose. Afterall, that’s what money can buy, freedom – to choose, to have more time, to create opportunities.

Lastly, of relationships. I’ve lost friendships, connections, and communications along the way. I’ve been so busy building my life all over again that I did not have the capacity to check on my people. I’m never stellar in multitasking. I do well when I focus my energy on one thing and move on to another after. I don’t know if it’s even a narrative of ‘me leaving them’ or ‘them leaving me’, but I’m emotional when I think about them. As I age, my circle grew small, and it gets smaller!

When these thoughts hit me at once, it’s like my sanity just says bye! I don’t even know how I truly feel – scared, lonely, grateful, worried, depressed, hopeful, happy? I don’t know. It’s like a roller coaster of emotions. I’m like lifted to the highs only to be dropped so low.

Oh March! But as I’ve always said, “I’ll be alright”. 

In all of these, I’ve never been abandoned by my God and to me, it’s the only comfort that I need. But of course, your “tara kape” is also a good idea. 😊

Live passionately

"Live passionately." 

That's the mantra from Glen Powell’s movie Hitman. It got me thinking—do I live passionately? Have I ever? Will I? Just how passionate are we talking here? 

Let me set the scene: a few months ago, I found myself solo in New York City. With time to kill and an itch to scratch, what better place to indulge than the city that never sleeps? 

In NYC, I met a roommate who was instantly likable. She was funny, laid-back, and had this go-getter vibe. She was super open about her dating life and even invited me to tag along. I was surprised—who does that? She encouraged me to try dating apps, given New York's diversity and all. I politely said that I would. 

 But me? Yeah, well. Never. 

Later, I caught up with a friend who lives in New York. After eight years and a marriage later, she suggested I try the apps too. I smiled and again politely agreed to give it a try. 

At that moment, I kind of thought Wait… Was this a sign? All these random suggestions seemed a bit much. Enamored by the persistence, that night, I set up a dating profile. I thought, "It’s New York, what’s the harm?" 

I swiped right a few times that evening. It was a casual, fun distraction. I used a temporary mobile number, so I didn’t share it; people gave me theirs instead. One guy mentioned he’d be in Vancouver later. I barely thought about it. Long story short, I left New York without any meetups, my skeptical side winning out. I thought, okay I gave it a try, Now what? Clearly, this isn’t for a skeptic like me. I deleted the app and moved on. 

Months passed… 

Out of the blue, I get an iMessage from the guy who’s now in Vancouver and wants to grab coffee. I was stunned. Should I go or not? 

Live passionately. 

I recalled Gary’s words from Hitman: "Now, the one thing I know for certain, is your reality will change over time in ways you cannot even imagine, and I urge you to be open for this transformation. “ With that in mind, I thought, “To hell with it, let’s do this!” 

To be continued...

Love you to the heavens

You never realize how much you’ll miss someone until you think about how they wouldn’t be there with you physically, ever.

It’s so easy to say that death is a part of life but when that happens, you couldn’t find any motivation for reason not to feel unsettled. Today, July 8 (Monday) at 7 am PST, I received an unsettling message from Papa that Nanay is gone.

I called Mama and she confirmed. I went ahead with my regular Monday meetings. Acted as if nothing MAJOR happened. But shortly after lunch, tears escaped me. I couldn’t shake off the emotion enveloping me.

The thing is, I thought I have prepared well enough to accept the inevitable. In my resolve, Nanay had led a good life.

In her hey days, she was an activist, an ironwoman, wise beyond her years. When I was 12, Nanay brought me to Butuan with her. From Butuan, we traveled to Bacolod via ferry. It was my first ferry ride ever. We then ended in Cebu. I have very fond memories of Nanay. My cousins would go green with envy, but I could confidently say I was one of the favorites.

Nanay is one of the smartest people I know. She had her ways. I can’t seem to find the term but if there’s a term for someone who’s street-smart coupled with mysterious… That’s her. She’s very sharp especially with finances. Nanay’s love for travels is what we got from her, though. She likes seeing new places, trying new eats. She has big appetite for chocolates, Jollibee and seafood. I could say she likes the finer things in life.

Nanay is also a very strong-willed woman. She once told me how she helped NPAs by taking them in and nursing them back to health. Her stories were in different spectrums. Undoubtedly, she had lived a very colorful life.

When she got bedridden earlier on, I still joke about how she couldn’t remember her most gorgeous apo (Of course, me!). She would smile at my harmless mischief. When she got ill, her smile faded. It broke my heart. Adding to the weight were problems and concerns about other things, things that have not made her last years easier.

Headstrong as she is, my Nanay held onto her dear life till the end. At this point, I can only marvel at her life’s journey. For such journey was intensified with her resilience, tenacity, endurance, and her positivity. My Nanay fought for her legacy, tooth and nail, and till the last of her breath, she did not succumb to the white light without giving a good fight.

I’ll forever miss you, Nay. Since young, you always looked at me with such beaming pride. You always introduced me with your proudest Grandma voice. In your eyes, I am someone who can conquer the world! Thanks for always believing in me, perhaps more than me believing in myself. I love you to the heavens!

 

Engineer K

My younger cousin is now an Engineer!

I am elated for him. I knew he’d make it because he had the brains for it. As I pondered, I thought about his difficulties growing up. Here is a kid who might have been given everything during abundance but as soon as he reached the school age, their abundance has been depleted. So, there he was, trying to stay afloat. He was thrown out in the open truly unprepared. It was a series of bad decisions by adults and the kids had to bear the brunt of things. And when I think about that, it breaks my heart. 

What’s the worst that could happen to an unprepared kid? Having no support. So, I supported him in my own way. I let him know that I was on the sidelines, rooting for him. His situation may be far from ideal, but it is in these circumstances that he becomes stronger. Fast forward to 2024, and he’s passed the board!

I received a chat from him telling me he is grateful for everything that we have done for them (him and his older brother). He told me how he always felt like they were our little brothers. I was touched. It is exactly how I always viewed them. They may be just our cousins, but they’re close to my heart as I took care of them while I was a kid myself. The growing years flashed before me, and it always painted the close-knit bond I had with them.

As the youngest in my family, I wore my “ate” hat proudly and told him that I always believed in him. I may have said tough words to him, but those words were meant to push him in the right direction. With pure intent, I continuously encouraged him to avoid bad places and people who would hasten his ruin. I told him that hopefully, he got something out of the lessons and advice that we’ve given him. It was all for his own good.

As I wrote my message to him, I got a little emotional. I acknowledged that I could have done more. I could have given more. Although I was also a kid trying to find my place in the world, I always had the admiration, support, and love of my family. I wished I was that to him too.  I wished that my occasional “I love you” meant more to him than it is to me. Because really, without knowing that you are loved and supported in every way, how could you make anything possible?

I told him three things: First, from this point on, he would be in the driver's seat. Whatever direction he maneuvers the wheel, everything else goes in that direction. With that in mind, I wanted him to choose wisely. In life, mistakes are inevitable. It’s a win-win if we think of mistakes as lessons that we learn from. It’s plain stupidity if we make the same mistake hoping for another result.

Second, Disappointments are difficult to process. I know he knows that well, given the situation he grew up in. But what makes disappointments much harder is the ability of our minds to dwell on it. For example, I always envisioned myself as the boss. I make the call and stuff but sixteen years later, I am still doing entry-level jobs. Does that even make sense? Well, if I dwell on being disappointed, I’ll always think about my experience in a very 2-D way. But I am optimistic, it’s like playing football. I come from the lower division working my way towards Premier League and the FA Cup! I am on an entry-level job working towards various playing fields!

Lastly, “There’s no such thing as FREE lunch in this world”. This, I would say is a hard pill to swallow because we like free things. We never say no to a treat. But for the world to work, we do not always take, we give. It’s about symbiotic relationships. You do not bleed someone dry and be entitled to it. We will get refused, rejected, or said “NO” to, and it’s okay. Because as much as we expect freebies, we also get to pay in part or in full. We remain grateful. When we can, we pay it forward.  

Our conversation ended because I thought I was becoming too serious. Being too serious is boring. I wished him luck and let him know that I love him, no matter what. Hopefully, he feels loved and supported enough to make his dreams come true, like I did!

Congratulations Engr Ken! 

Good riddance

 

You know what’s amazing?

That you keep fighting regardless of the odds. So, what if a door closes? I look at it as a closure for something fleeting. Looking back, the greatest of my pursuits are the result of the closed doors, the unwelcomed seat at the table, or simply, the missed bus that I am accustomed to riding.

 At this time and age, I learned that I can/will never have it all. I have learned that what is given can be taken away. This includes the opportunities, the material possessions, or even the bunch of people I call friends. I used to anchor myself around these. But maybe, just maybe… things or people that are not meant to be with you on your journey are dropped along the way because it makes your load lighter.

Believe me when I say that while I expected more, I heaved a sigh of relief, “Good riddance!”. Because it is in these critical moments that the true ones present themselves. It is in these moments that I look closely and realize that normally, the final stage would not include all the hopefuls. In the last phase, only the very best stays.

My goals are clearer than sunshine. I have learned that in pursuing things for myself, there would be obstacles. But I always go back to that September, when I threw my caution to the wind and never looked back. I guess it comes with the territory. When you build yourself from nothing, you can do it all over again. 

Because again, just who matters? You do. And them who support you. There is no greater satisfaction than having only what you are destined to have. 

Diffi-CULT

“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labor does to the body.”

Well, Marcus Aurelius had it figured out, I thought. When you think of it that way, it makes difficulties a powerful ingredient for growth. It creates a compartment somewhere inside you that makes you feel kind of normal. Who does not go through difficult times, right?

Difficulties are like a vortex of darkness. You get sucked into that tunnel. You try to rationalize things, but negative feelings pile up one against the other. When that happens, you get swallowed by it. You feel trapped and hopeless.

In mine, I always feel like I am trying too hard for nothing. I feel injustice. I feel as though I get to bear the brunt of things. It is both a curse and a blessing to do it solo. Curse because I get to feel like everything is a one-man show. Blessing because it makes me mentally stronger. Like what is there to lose other than a mouth (my mouth) unfed?

A few years ago, I had an economic difficulty. It was difficult to move forward from a job that provided for me. At that time, it was a huge decision to make because that job was my ticket to stay in the country. Leaving it meant zero funds, zero capacity to afford my basic needs, and perhaps, zero ability to pursue my hobbies. Tell you what, it may sound so simple, but the reality is, that decision was a domino effect affecting all aspects of my life. I had to move back. I had to get back to square one. Questions without answers arose: “What am I going to do back home?”, “How would I maintain my lifestyle?”, “Do I need to find a job there?”. It was a roller coaster of emotions, a to-be or not-to-be decision that was extremely hard to finalize.  It was a battle between the practical and the idealist me.

When friends asked, “What’s your plan B?”, I go, “Well, I don’t have any”, it shocked them.  It may be because I’m known to be a planner. I organize events, I plan things, and I write “to-do” lists. To be fair, it shocked me too. In the biggest of my moments, I didn’t plan anything after. I just wanted to take a break, more than anything. 

When I think about that moment in my life, I now find it funny AND necessary. It was helpful because I learned so much about myself in that single episode. As I progressed through life, I found that as my benchmark. The fear, the uncertainty, the anxiety but also the courage, the zest, the faith. It shaped me to hope regardless of the odds.

Now when I have similar difficulties, I look back at that time of my life. And it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less afraid. It gives me the power to own my life because, oh well, whatever happens, happens. I don’t beat myself up for not leaving toxic environments or people. In trying to maintain the best version of myself, I learned to choose who and where I associate myself with.

With similar difficulties now, I get a nudge in the gut somewhat telling me to rethink the whole situation. It becomes a signal for me to change. I can change my job, my relationships, or my situation. Or simply, change my mindset. I am confident in neutralizing things because If I did it before, I can do it now or as many times, if necessary. It made me aware of the value I put on myself more than the external forces trying to wreak havoc within me.

In all of this, I learned to handle my emotions. In anger, it is so easy to lose sight of what is important. In rejection, it is so easy to just give up and never try again. In despair, it is so easy to stay there. But to identify with the emotion or with the situation that I am in is unwise. I am neither my emotions nor my situation. I am just passing through it. I learned to identify with my capacity to weather storms. 

Of course, to say that I can easily shake off negativities would be a lie. But like good days, bad days are nothing but temporary. I may be unhappy today but it doesn't mean I will never laugh again. At the end of it all, what stands still is my sense of self-- who I am, not only in the good but more importantly, in difficult times. 

Birthday Blues

It’s the birthday blues!

It’s no secret that I feel down before every birthday. I don’t know why but it has always been like that.

Perhaps, I can’t help but overthink about my life. Getting older… Did I accomplish anything noteworthy?

I’m thinking out loud and maybe self-sabotaging but what are my breakthroughs? For one, not a single zero was added to my account. Second, I am still trying to find my place in the world and lastly, I still stand here alone on earth wondering what exactly I’m doing.  These thoughts keep me grounded, other than almost always leave me unhappy.

I guess I’ve always thought about making it big. I’ve always thought of myself as a competent individual who can take challenges. I thought of these challenges as my preparations for the big things. So, when I allow myself to mull over my achievements, what have I accomplished really?

My sister told me, “Don’t be too hard on yourself”. Well, to be frank, I seem to allow myself to gloat days before my big day. I mull over details about my life that need improvement. For one, I am disappointed that I have not been able to finish law school. I made a vow to continue but going into the fine print, it’s easier said than done. I am up against overwhelming odds. Then there’s frustration over not reaching my maximum potential. I feel like I am just always mediocre and every birthday, I am reminded of that.

“You’ve achieved more than you think you know”, says my sister who tried to console me. But I don’t know, I feel like there’s still a lot more for me, and yet I am biding my time to play small. Despite my efforts, it feels like I’m shortchanged.

Am I being critical of myself? I guess.

Maybe before every birthday, I have this mental new birthday resolution that I keep track of, and I am displeased when nothing on that list gets ticked off. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the opportunities that have been offered. I appreciate the people who bridged me to my goals. Bless their hearts. But personally, there’s just this cloud of ideas hovering around my head telling me that I could do more. That I could be more.

Either way, as I said before, I am allowing myself to gloat, once a year. It just happens to be BEFORE birthdays. In the bigger picture though, birthdays are a testament to love. To be alive and kicking, that’s got to be the MORE of my more. 

Nah nay

“Who are you?”, My bedridden grandmother asked when my mom showed my face to her through a video call.

Behest the pang of sadness, I said: “It’s Lovely, your most beautiful apo”. She said, “How’s your mother doing?”

To which I laughed and said, “Oh she’s the one holding the phone and visiting you today.” She apologized and said, “I am old I cannot remember much.”

Making the conversation light, I joked. “It’s fine, as long as you remain beautiful ”. She then told me things that broke my heart. She said, “Please call me all the time while I am still alive. I know I am being a burden to my children because I am sick and weak. I pray that God will take me soon, so I do not add any more burden than I already do.”

I maintained a cheerful face even though my heart got crushed into tiny million pieces. We bid our goodbyes, but her words were looping on my head. I mulled over life in general. I thought about how my grandmother had always been full of life when I was growing up. She loved beautiful things. She liked eating out. She liked simple and grand pleasures, all the same.

Seeing her now, weak and feeling desolate, I felt indescribable gloom and panic. I am shaken.

It is difficult to appear cheery when the reality and the gravity of the situation swallow the little hopes of wellness and quality of life that come with old age. 

Friendship is spelled with END

As much as we want to take old friends with us to the next level, sometimes, it’s better to just leave them as they are.

I have always been a very loyal friend. The type to make an enemy of someone who messes up with my friend. I’d like to think that that’s just how I view friendships – worth protecting for.

I am usually cool. I don’t take things like everything is such a big deal. I’ve never been that problematic friend with various issues.

However, with the recent friendship situation that I am in, I am reconsidering the type of friend I am and exactly the type of friend I have. As a friend, I am slow to process anger. I get annoyed, yes, but most of my friends don’t really get the gravity of what I’m feeling because I don't show it. Normally, I take a step back and process it on my own.

But not anymore.

I have made a vow to myself. With relationships, romantic or friendship, I would never compromise my own emotions. I refuse to be the absorber. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be the ultimate patron up to the extent of my ruin. I refuse to compromise what I really like just because a certain someone likes something else. I hate that when I do that to myself. I hate that I must curb my own desires for others. And the sad thing is that they don’t even realize that you sacrificed your own for them.

I was told I have this habit of accounting for what I did. Well, let’s just say that I do because someone may have lacked sensitivity. When you give in every time, they seem to think that they’re entitled to it. They're accustomed to you giving in that when you stress NOT giving in this time, you have become "difficult". Friendship is a symbiotic relationship. You give and you take. You do not take everything and think that it's okay because someone is ALWAYS okay with it. There is always a limit to everything.

As I reflected on my relationships, I just kind of think that some friendships come to an end just because you get tired of making it work. You face a certain wall that helps you decide whether the friendship is worth anything to fight for. In my case, I think that I am no longer in my pleaser era. I no longer have the patience and flexibility to bend and reshape myself to fit someone’s idea of a friend.

I have come so far from where I started. I am not the same giddy, goody girl that I used to be. I have my own issues, responsibilities, fears, and anxieties. I have a reality that demands time and effort and I no longer have the luxury of time to do mind games with people. I no longer have the tolerance to wait on someone and be in that zone. I no longer have the aptitude to be in a drama. I have my own problems to solve, my own drama to star in. I demand to pursue things and relationships that help me grow with peace.

As much as I’d like to keep the number of friends as they are. And as much as I’d like to see them next to me on this ride all the way, (And believe me, I always do), I think that some friendships can only take so far. 

Like everything in our journey through life, some friendships take exits, some friendships break down, and some friendships can have flat tires. I am just hopeful that at some point,  these friendships still reach their destination no matter what route they take.