my dream engagement shoot

UP!

I sooper love that movie. I can't forget Russell and his innocent chubby face which melted the bitter, graying heart of Mr. Fredrickson.

Love... love is what you should express. Find time, make an effort and do your best. Life is too short to be wasted and raped by Pride.

Meanwhile, I am soooo loving this photoshoot. I love how the theme was inspired by UP.







Please click the link below and you shall find yourself, agreeing with me :) :) :)



http://www.weddingchicks.com/2010/05/10/disney-pixars-up-engagement-shoot

Tequila Shot

ID?

And I searched for my IC as the big guy asked for it. A and J already showed theirs, and mouthed, “do we look super young?” I just laughed.

Wow! I thought to myself, even though I am nearing my silver anniversary in twenty days’ time, do I still look below 18? Alright, I may be delusional about thing ‘teenager look’ but hey, I find it really comforting.

Why, the people working in the bank, usually don’t look their age, the air conditioner might have made wonders and their looks (most of them) are younger than their actual age. So when I stepped out of the bank, I thought, my skin would sag, I will be losyang. (Bad idea!)

Anyway, so the big guy, in his black attire, bald head and huge frame asked for my ID just when it’s nowhere to be found. He then asked, “how old is she?” A and J said in duet, “we’re of the same age!”

We entered the bar, the name’s “Shanghai Dolly” and yes, too Chinese, that they play Chinese disco songs. The singers were Chinese, the dancers though kinda dark looked Korean. We headed to claim drinks’ coupon and made our way towards the center of the crowd.

Funny, I felt really under the underdressed (if there’s a term). I mean we were uniquely dressed with our office attire; Anna and I are in white shirt with our usual pants and J, who just came from yoga is in her casual shorts and nice blouse.

The three of us, we never planned ahead about last night’s event. We just had dinner at Suntec and A suggested that since it’s Wednesday, we just grab the chance to join the ladies’ night somewhere in Clarke Quay.

So we strode down the MRT and hopped in straight to CQ. From there, J guided us to her favorite bar, (according to her it’s the more organized bar in that area). We entered and there goes the “How old is she?”

If I were not busy finding my ID, I would’ve asked him to guess. But then, I was also afraid, he’ll say more than 25! LOL

We ended the night: exhausted. As in, we tried to reach for the last train to our place so we ran a kilometre or two, take note, we had three drinks prior to the running thing. So, I ran with my heart pumping as fast as it could, my breath as heavy as it can and my feet, as jumpy as it was.




In general, What a FUN, SPONTANEOUS and LESS FAB night it was! :P

will be there

Lost.

The thing that I am so afraid of. Yeah well, I am afraid to go back home and feel lost more than ever. The plans, the experience, the life in general, is too heavy to manage.

But even then, I am not a quitter. I fight for what I deserve. I fight for what I worked hard. It’s not as if I just come home and forget everything or say, “Fuck it, I should be home.”--- No, not yet. (tempting as it may sound) Now is not yet the right time.

Before this adventure started, I’ve sort out the pros and cons of this whole thing. My financial, my emotional, my spiritual, I was able to conjure ideas and thought this adventure is worth the sacrifices. But seriously, even though I thought about feeling lost after this, I never really considered it until now.

I am afraid that my life would not turn out as I expected. Although, I know that I am not capable of destroying it, (and is too scared to try things that destroy it) I am afraid to go without direction.




That’s the time when I come to a point of finding a place in this world where my abilities shine and where my personality enhances. I am afraid that I may not get the chance to have another job, as good as the previous and as challenging as the current.

So when I get home, I need to at least be into something that hypes me up just the same. I have people who need my support and I can not afford to f*ck this adventure up out of whims and few of my caprices. It’s high time to look deeper and to learn how to endure no matter how harsh the winds are.

And as long as my sail stands tall, My God bigger than the strongest of waves, the harshest of winds will guide me to my destination.

Are we there yet? No, I know for sure that I might be lost at this moment, the means might take a fuss, but I know my end, this “lost feeling” is momentary and I will be there… soon!

to wed

Weddings.

The same odd, biting intense feeling that I always get… Envy?

You know, that moment when a friend or an acquaintance finally decides to take a vow and you have received an invitation from them? That moment when you walk by the mall and saw them together holding hands, so natural, so real and so happy and you think a couple of times whether to greet them or pass them by so as not to spoil their moments?

I am not rushing to marriage but I always get this feeling of hope for myself whenever I hear or see someone changing their status to married from being in a relationship, even in Facebook.

My friends tell me, in order to stop yourself from feeling that way, be in a relationship. That’s it. Bull’s eye. Huh, as if it’s that simple.

To be real, I really feel happy for people who are about to the tie the knot or have just tied the knot but also, I feel sorry for myself. LOL. Believe me, sometimes I get really sentimental on wedding videos, I mean, this world is composed of seven billion people and to find your one true match, spending the rest of your life together… it’s a miracle!

Or maybe I am just being ideal. Most girls my age would think about being in a relationship a couple of times to know if it works for them and specific guys. Some, (I am not bashing) are getting into relationships just to feel secured with themselves and the idea of having someone. To say the least, there is nothing wrong with that. I am not against someone having a boyfriend for company and prestige (if that’s the case). All I am saying is that, I don’t think I can live with that setup.

I am too free to limit myself just because someone tells me this or that. I enjoy independence and individuality. I believe that a woman whose worth a great man is a woman who knows herself well and is confident about who she is. You might think it might be an excuse of young, independent single girls out there who never really had a prospect or an existing suitor, at least. But I am telling you what, it is not.

The more I see the world, (as mentioned in Date a girl who travels) the more I realize that I want someone who I can come home to. Home. The feeling of security, comfort and love. I don’t need a passing fancy. I don’t need someone who’s in just for company. I want a lifetime, growing and fruitful relationship built with trust and love. It’s that or nothing.

My friend suggested just I just go on take a man who woes me just to know if it works. Trial and Error. My mind tells me, it’s quite logical to consider, see if love blossoms, but then the bigger problem rests in this stubborn heart. I feel I need to at least have this rapid beating first before I come and commit myself to anyone. (Romantic Principle)

I might be wrong in what I believe in. It might not work for me, the waiting game is just so looooooong. But then again, what’s there to rush about? Weddings might be very appealing. And perhaps, MY Wedding would be the biggest event in my life but it’s just a wedding. What I truly want to achieve is marriage… A marriage like my parents’!

conflict

Pee!

The buzz I received from my former officemate. And I was like, “Hi te! How are you?: ))” then she replied, “I have something to share” And I said “Ok, wassup? Is A having a lil bro/sis coming out?” Then she said, “hahaha di ka pa rin nagbabago Pee, that’s why I miss you”

Awww.. so sweet!, I thought to myself. Then she told me what she wanted to share. As I read it after I came back from the mall, it was really a long message, sent in three instalments. I later learned that, there has been a conflict between her and the new girl Friday. My jaw dropped. It never happened before.

Anyway, my point of realization is that, more and more, I am convinced that new hires are different from the former generations. New breeds are stronger, bolder and more vocal than the previous ones. (Or was it that previous are breeds of coward rats?)

Or maybe, our batch was different. We were very much timid, shy and very submissive to superiors. Whenever we commit mistakes, we have this shaky feeling of telling the truth and accepting the punishment. Funny thing, we always find ourselves lost when we’re called. For example, when the boss calls my attention like “Pee, punta ka nga dito” I jus find myself bothered, almost dropping everything so I can hurry towards the boss as if I have committed a mortal sin. You may tell I am an ass-kisser. But if you conclude that, then our batch is. (Because the 4 of us from the same batch are like that)

Whenever we’re told about the mistakes, we keep silent. We don’t try to reason out. We just listen. (Yes, ganyan ka lala.) Personally, I just feel na kahit anung gawin ko, a mistake is really a mistake, I can not make palusot and if I will, I am not good at it, I’ll just end up adding insult to injury. So better shut up, the more talk the more mistakes.

Plus, I have low self esteem pa man din. (feeling ko lang) I don’t think I can assume accountability when I push someone to his/her limit, alam ko naman kasi ang ending ako lang din ang masisira. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or maybe, it’s really cowardice. Sometimes kasi kahit feeling ko tama ako, I just don’t voice out para din a humaba yung usapan. End of conversation agad. But ang sakit sa puso, mind you.

Anyway, the new girl sought the advice of his brother and the bro even went to the area to know who his sissy was talking about. That, I find disturbing. Professional adults don’t meddle with younger sissy’s ordeal unless he’s involved in the workplace. It’s kinda off to me. (it’s not as if her sissy was suffering from bullying) I think that as consenting adults, working in a professional world, we have individual capacity to defend ourselves without the help of others if we’re really into the truth.

Pero yun na nga, di naman kasi natin hawak ang mga isip ng isa’t isa. I can shout Foul and no one wants to listen so I seek out the help of a bigger image. But I can also stay calm and composed, adjusting to changes and people around me. The latter was more of me. Endure. Endure. Endure…

Basta whatever it is, I have learned that I should learn to appreciate the people around me. Coming from different family backgrounds, different cultures and beliefs, I believe that my mission is to understand than be the one to be understood. hehe

crib

Crib.

The search for the new crib is over. We found a new place to stay, a station away from our previous crib.

I find it quite liberating to finally move out from old house. Though I have learned to love the place, I just need to hit a new place. But surely, I will miss a lot of things where most of my happiest Singapore moments are spent.

That was my first. I have never been sent to a school away from home where I needed to board. My first time to experience how it feels like to live in a house where the people aren’t your family. My first time to test my social skills under one roof. My first time to do every chores in details. My first time to feel anger like it never happened to me. My first time to feel the emptiness, coming home from work.

It is work under progress. This new crib is promising. Although, it’s not as light and neat as the first one, I have high hopes that the people I am living with will be known as friends and not just housemates.

I pray that misunderstanding and trouble will become alien words in this new home. We may never be related by blood, I hope at least we will be affiliated better than those from the bloodline.

I hope this crib will protect and prevent me from the fast-paced, high-cost and sometimes, harsh outside Singapore. This might be it, I hope…

En route

Let’s go home!

My friend, apparently the one I stay with, blurted this out last night. After hearing (errr..reading) that her friend and former colleague was going home from Dubai for good. Her friend told her that the kids need her and she will just find a job back in Davao. And she is confident that with her experience, she’d probably bag a good job back.

She got affected and told me that she wants to go home. Funny, but I find this peculiar feeling of appeasing her and telling her that we’re half way through our initial plan. The usual scenario would be me, telling her that we just go home and be thankful for our experience here in abroad.

I have known from the very start that this adventure is life-changing. I was not in for the money. I was a bird seeking my own place in this world. A bird that’s just too comfortable with the built nest that I felt I needed to see the world from other perspective. I am idealistic that way.

Anyway, staying here opened me to realities and facts that I have come across with. I am thankful for this journey and I am thankful to the people who’ve contributed much for it. But this… now… at this moment… is not the right time to come home yet. No matter how itchy my feet are to come home, it’s just not yet the perfect time. It’s too soon. This adventure is still premature.




I have come to a planning position that this should be at least, a one year stint. After this year, I’ll be coming home, hopefully, with a bulk bank account, more than enough to put up my business-hobby and support my responsibilities (whatever those may be).

To be honest, I want to be home for my nephew. I want to watch him grow. I want to be part of his life’s process. I want to be my parents’ support, just like before. I want to be there for sissy, in her little or huge successes. I want to be there for a meaningful and lifelong career. I want to be there because there’s this somebody telling me that he likes me, and I feel the same way too. But he needs me to come home. Seriously, I just can’t do that. I won’t compromise as to make a continuation out from his idea of a relationship. Again, ideal as it may sound, someone who truly loves me will let me be what I want to be. Someone who likes me should put up with my decisions; after all, being in a relationship should not hinder my growth, in fact, it should nurture it.

You see, I could have lots of reasons to come home. I can name so many things just to be home. That was my heaven on earth, our home. But… it’s just not right to come home and aborting a mission. I always remind myself that in order to succeed, sacrifices are a must. I just can’t cease to be in this mission just because a lot of things are stopping or wanting me to come home. This was for me, a process that I should undergo.

And until such time that I feel that somehow, the thirst for growth was gratified… only then that I can say, It’s time to en route: HOME! :)

my wish for you

Geez!

Things have changed. I am thinking, Oh, I am really a grown up. And whenever I think about them, I always feel I need to set my priorities to get things done.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Apparently, yes.

I realized I need to endure whatever it is that I am into ‘cause I am not living and earning for myself alone. I have people who need my help and support; I have kids who need to be sent to school. Not that I am bringing the whole weight to my sexy back, No. I just thought, whatever my decision is, there are people to be directly affected by it.

I am really coming in to maturity (as far as I know). Now, when I talk to my kid cousins, it won’t end unless I tell him to do good, avoid evil, study harder, keep away from bad influences, never try smoking and yes, even to NO TO GIRLFRIENDS. No, I am not bitter, that’s beside the point but I am the older sister they never had. LOL

Not that I am against relationships or love-love thing, I just want them to focus to what should be done. Just last night, I found him (my cousin) hanging along facebook at almost 12MN, I told him “Chang, what are you doing? It’s so late, you better go home!” He just said, “termpaper te” My doubtful self budged in I told him “Termpaper on a prom week, how believable is that?” Then he said “yes te, haven’t passed yet” and the chat ended. I think he logged out. May bukas ka rin!

The next day, I messaged him, “who’s your teacher? I will ask him/her regarding this paper” Then, he replied “si Ma’am ganito..” All I said was, “ah, okay” ‘cause in other occasion when I know the teacher, I would’ve really asked (I was from HCDC too so I would know) but to cut the story short, I opted to tell mother to look after Tak’s oras ng uwian. We wouldn’t want him to be nabbed or attacked by gangsters do we?

I am that. I am makulit and strict when it comes to them. My sissy and I had a meeting with our kid cousins. My sissy asked “So girl, unsa imu gusto isulti kay Tachang og Kenneth?” I just told them, “Please please please value education. It’s not cheap. And please Chang, don’t you ever, ever engage yourself to any vice or when you get your gf pregnant while studying, I will really cease to support. Take this from me and bear in mind, I do not give second chances. I decided to support you, intend to give as much as I can but do not…I warn you… do not try me.” And then, I stopped talking. I hope they got what I mean.

I am very considerate but I do not tolerate. Those are two different things. I hate gimmicks and I hate investing without an ROI. What’s the point? If wala man lang makuha from it, why invest? I can spend the money to have fun anyway. What I meant with ROI was something that I can see, I know a hardworking student when I see one. Though I don’t demand high grades to be seen on cards, I just want na mapasa ang subjects, yun lang yun. I don’t ask for too much. But if high grades are achieved, I will be very glad to give a reward. (Kasi ganyan ako nung nag aaral ako. My parents never required me to have 90 etc, and whenever I end the school year with flying colors then I have something as a reward hehe)

So there, I only have one wish for them, let it be known, all I wanted for them is to have a good life. Whatever problem, doubts or trouble that bothers them, though I am far away from home, I am here lang naman. I am just a chat away.

And as for me, this is a breakthrough. I am holding responsibility somehow. I am treading a lifelong decision. (oh it might be years for them to graduate but my time is also limited so lifelong sya) I know, this is never easy. But for me, Education is a very important factor for a good life, today and in the future.

5 things about me

5 THINGS YOU MIGHT NEVER KNOW ABOUT ME (But after this you will)

1) I don’t watch HORROR movies. I just simply don’t like it. Nakakagoosebumps plus the fact na I am higly, highly imaginative. Kahit in broad daylight, pag naiisip ko ulit yung scenes, natatakot ako. I remembered one time, we went to watch- yung kay Kris Aquino yung may bagwa?—ah tama, Feng shui! I was half or should I say 1/8 hearted nung pumayag ako na yun yung panoorin with my engineering girlfriends, but since birthday nung isa (libre nya) I can’t afford naman to spoil the fun so I agreed. After the movie, weird thing happened, my very good friend, while we were eating received sunod-sunod text messages of condolence. We later knew, her father got into an accident and died on the spot. Since then, I have this vicious, weirdo thought about horror movies all the more.

2) I dislike Adobo. While most of my family members and friends super love eating adobo, I am least of a fan. Kumakain ako nun but I am not so into it. I don’t like super meaty stuffs. I don’t like strips of meat ‘cause I don’t like it stuck between my teeth. (Akala mo naman perfect set of teeth, but I am that obsessed with teeth) I dislike White sauce in pastas and super meat in red sauce spaghettis. White sauce gives me the “sawa” factor. The more I eat, the more I lose appetite. I like sakto lang, saktong meat and red sauce. I dislike sour Italian pasta. Pinoy ang taste ko for life. (Malamang Pinoy lang din if boys!LOL)

3) I have a penchant for watches. Achievement on purchases is purchasing a watch. If I were any richer, I know what to collect. I know what to tag as prized possession. I love big, boyish and funky watches. And take note, I am time-telling challenged. Meaning, I have a difficulty telling time lalo na pag agad agad ang pagtatanong in an analog (w/ hands) watches. My friends would laugh at me, kasi ang tagal tagal bago pa ako makasagot. Minsan, I really have to look at my phone para mas madali. And quite frankly, I am not so confident pa in answering; I have to double check kasi most of the time, mali yung basa ko ng oras. (Idigital na yan!) Hehe

4) Madali akong ma touch in any acts of kindness. Kahit gaano kaliit or kalaki yung ibinibigay or inooffer sa akin, I get really excited. Naaappreciate ko kasi it’s not everyday someone has thoughts of you. It’s not everyday na there’s someone telling you this or that, and compliments make me really, really off. I appear to be so confident and self- composed but deep inside, I’m holding on to a post, to muster all the courage para mag thank you kasi nahihiya talaga ako. I mean, I even come off “feelingera” but ang totoo, I feel like bowing down everytime, nahahotseat, mahirap magreact. And sweetness, madali akong ma uto ng mga sweet people. Haha I get to be really into them kasi siguro I am not so sweet, so I am very drawn to them. Opposite attracts.

5) I am very frugal. Hahaha Kuripot ako as to my things and clothes but I get to spend much sa pagkain and travels. I hate talaga na tinitingnan yung brand ng damit ko or the likes. I hate people checking on the things I wear. I feel insulted. Kasi nga, I don’t mind what I wear especially on days na I am too lazy to look good. I also get puzzled each time people will look at my feet. Back in my bank days whenever tambay kami sa labas ng bank, I often observe people scanning my feet, was it because I wear tsinelas lang? And I told my friend na iobserve yung mga taong dumaraan, she was amused, totoo nga, tumitingan halos lahat ng dumaraan sa feet ko. Weird.

So paano, alam na? Kung ang mga artista nga may ganito, pwede din tayong gumawa gawa ng 5 or 10 or how-many things about ourselves! All is fair in love and art! :D

Mr. Phantom

Sa aking mga panaginip, paulit ulit ang tagpong may lalakeng nakaabang sa bintana.

At sa tuwing ako’y dudungaw, ay sya naming pagtalikod.

Bakit ganun? Bakit kahit sa panaginip, di ko pa rin nakikita ang guwapo kong prinsipe? Bakit sa aking gunita’y palagi syang naroroon ngunit, di ko maaninag kung ano ang kanyang mukha? Bakit sa bawat pagdalaw nya sa aking panaginip, nakikita ko ang kanyang ginagawa, nakikita ko syang, humahalakhak, tumatakbo, sumasakay sa kabayo, pero ni minsan, walang senyales kung ano ang hitsura?

Napapanaginipan kita aking prinsipe, pero naman, bakit di ko nakikita ang iyong mukha? Nais mo bang ipahiwatig sa akin na ako’y sobrang conscious sa pisikal na aspeto kaya sa tuwina’y larawan mo’y di mo pinaaninag?

Ang masakit pa, natutunan na kitang mahalin. Ikaw ang naging sandigan sa sandaling, lahat ng kamalasan ko sa mundo’y naharvest ko na, pipikit lang ako at ikaw ang nakikita, humuhupa ang pait at sakit sa lahat ng kabiguan.

May pangalan ka na nga, pinangalanan na kita para sa tuwing ako’y tatanungin at uusisain ng aking mga kaibiga’y alam ko ang pangalan mo, alam ko kahit ni isa sa iyo, alam kong mabait ka at dakila, mayroon akong ideya kung gaano kabuti ang puso mo, isa lang ang hindi ko alam, ang itsura mo.

Ang mga matang sa palagay ko’y may ibang kislap pag ako’y tinititititigan, ang ilong na matangos at nagmamarka ng iyong estadong kinabibilangan, aristokrato. Ang iyong buhok na makintab at sa tuwing ika’y nagiging abala sa mga Gawain sa bukirin, dahan dahan itong nahuhulog sa iyong napakagandang mukha. Ang pangang, prominente at ang mga labi… na sa tuwing aking tututukan, wala na akong iba pang maiisip kundi ang tamis ng iyong mga halik.

Sa tingin ko’y isa na akong delusional. Isa ka lang panaginip, at mananatili sa aking isipan. Isa ka sa maraming bagay na kumakalma sa intensidad ng aking pang araw araw. Isa ka sa mga bagay na kaya kong tawagin, isipin, papuntahin sa tuwing lungkot ang tangi kong kapiling. Siguro nga ikaw na.

Pero paano ko naman ipaliliwanag na ikaw ang namumukod tangi at nakabihag ng mailap kong puso?

Haaay, Mr. Phantom, may kakambal ka bas a totoong buhay? Please lang magpakita na!

yes

Yes.

I still remember you. Although often times I stopped myself from lurking in your thoughts, my mind just keeps on going on. I remember the boy that I once had a huge crush on. I remember you as the one who meant the world to me back then.

How can I possibly forget? That familiar smile you always give me, mischievous and teasing. No,not in a sexual way. You’re child-like moves, naïve but very appealing. ur

Yes.

I still recall those conversations I had with you. Although, it was most on virtual lines, but still, I felt the same old familiar biting feeling. Kilig. All those naughty, funny lines thrown towards each other. It meant something to me.

And though, I remember you. I taught myself to forget you. You don’t belong in my memory anymore. I have no room for you; I refuse to make room for you.

Yes.

You were not at fault. From the very beginning it was me. It was me who thought of our future together. It was me who assumed of all those lovely, inspiring, youthful thoughts. It was me who imagined things in a delightful almost magical ways.

I am sorry. Yes. I am wrong.

saving

Savings?

The thing I aim to do but seem to be so unachievable.

Alright, working abroad gives you a chance to really achieve your constant dream of saving and saving but guess what? Girls like me always end up broken hearted out of failing to set aside even a portion of the earnings.

Why is it so hard to attain? I have literally and figuratively figured out why.

One, after receiving the hard earned salary, the mood is high; I feel like going into malls, maybe, eat something fancy or buy something nice to “reward” myself from working so hard for the whole month.

That “reward” is supposed to be done once but I find it very satisfying to reward myself again and again for enduring my struggles here. So then, the “rewarding” becomes a series, made out as a justifying circumstance for the purchase or payment of goods and food.

Two, my security as to have more than enough money in Dollars rather than deposit it in peso to my peso account is very absorbing, thereby, helping me set aside most of it, making me momentarily happy, calculating how this money can also be part of my contingency plan so when things get difficult, it could help me anytime. But I end up, spending it any moment I feel like buying or eating extra expensive stuffs.

Three, Needless to say… Discounts and 70% off sales get much of my attention. I feel like a winner each time I buy 30% of its original price. How stupid can I be when I know it’s only a marketing strategy? Still, I am thrilled by it.

Four, I hate to admit that my reasoning is too strong; I can justify my acts of purchase. I am not like anybody else who can purchase items that easily, most of the time, I have this mini-dialogue that goes in and about my head for minutes, “Is it a need or a want?” but then again, this smart ass of the mind always finds its ways to conjure reasons why it’s a need. So I end up buying.

Five, Life is short. Boo! Life is so short as to limit myself to small joys. Life is too short as to punish myself whether I refuse to buy as a whole or buy something much cheaper as a substitute but in the end, I will regret. So then, I buy what I like, what I really really like even if it costs me half as much as the ordinary, common ones.

Saving is never my best friend. For a moment, I thought I am wise enough to control my finances but then again… Life is short, I end up gratifying what I thought is a justified need. BOO!

karma

Anger is part of the seven venial sins.

It occupies you, drowns you and consumes all your positivity. When you’re angry, you get to be absorbed by it and eventually explode.

I don’t get easily angered. In fact, I have high tolerance for irritating factors. I have built walls so that I won’t get affected by the hurls around my built walls. Patience is my prized trait. Something I am proud of.

But then again, I am human. I lose all control when provoked. I don’t get mad easily but when I do, I am not so sure about you anymore. I tend to lose all the logic, the discipline and I can get very nasty, bitchy magnified.

I am cool and composed but when things get tough, I tend to come out tougher. All armoured and less vulnerable. I resist reasons and I find you a total distaste in the history of humanity, a scrap like yourself deserves less than the garbage can itself.

Most recently, I had a very bad experience. Someone, who should be more concerned and compassionate for Filipinos like herself, came out as a total monster. I refuse to talk in details, as I am still affected by it. All I know is that, Karma is a bitch and so as conscience.

I don’t usually react as to the things around me whenever I feel that considerations should be prevailed but I will not keep mum when it’s something out of the line. I am raised well, I believe so and most of my friends do too so as much as possible I am not letting someone ruin that and give people doubts as to how my parents raised me.

But then again, I will not allow someone to let me feel inferior just because they hold the Ace. I will not allow someone to abuse me and gain something at my expense. I was raised to be diplomatic and to always hear the other side before I come judging. I took Law for me to be honed and to seek fairness even though this world deserts much of it.

Under my principle, I just can’t let someone abuse me just because they think I am scared of them. In other times, I might have and in the past, I have been, but this time, when my parents aren’t here and my sister can’t fight for me, I choose to stand up for what is right and just. You can’t put a good woman down, and though you might be successful now, whatever you do, Karma will haunt you.

Therefore, May you be happy but Shame on you!

Okay na sana e...

You popped out the question, but I felt as if it was less than I deserve. Siguro, that's why minsan ang hirap maging babae. Di mo alam if something is serious or just playing around.

One, I am not the type who likes to play around relationships. I find relationships very personal and significant to my growth. I just don't want taking in someone, being attached to him and all but I don't feel something about it. Or if it's very platonic.

Two, I consider being hooked with someone somewhat sacred. Ewan ko. Minsan sabi ni Van, Super OA daw ako, it's just a Yes then what happens next, bahala na daw. Yeah tama din naman kasi walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat but I am not like that. I plan ahead, I think much about it. But that doesn't make me any less spontaneous about it.

Three, I am very traditional. Sometimes even myself, nagtataka baka di ko ma bend bend ung rules ko. Siguro kasi ganito ako pinalaki. I always believed the art of waiting. Lahat ng kaldero may katapat na takip. So then, ako'y isang kaldero, I am worth to be one. Di ako pwedeng frying pan, kaldero ako, kaldero ako! Kaldero na very essential sa buhay.

Four, I am very sensitive and emotional as to relationships. Mapa friendship man or whatever na maatach ako, it's something I can't let go easily. Better to be alone now than be miserable after breakups of falling out process. In a way, I might be a coward. Aminado.

And lastly, Hinihintay ko sya. Hinihintay ko yung someone na pareho kaming maggrow. I know naman na si God, He's preparing something for me. I just have to wait and see.

Teka, so anu ung question na pinap-out? eto yun...



I know you're a decent/traditional and fine gentleman. You can do better than this. Let's wait and see. :)

Have you ever felt as if you’re not matured enough?

I met few of my high school friends last night. We had the usual kumustahan, asking how things are and how life is for them here in SG. We had a very fun chitchat about experiences and Q&A about some things past in HS. Then of course, the usual updates of the other batchmates.

After about 8years, narealize kong andaming nagbago. Totoo pala talaga, academic excellence doesn’t always guarantee you a fruitful life like what we envisioned. Kasi naman, when I was a kid, my mum would tell me, mas okay kung honor ka or with high grades para paggraduate mo, you’ll land in a job na maganda at di masyadong mahirap…

I agree. Totoo yun. Having academic awards help you land in quite a good and promising job but… it’s your attitude and patience that will make you stay in that job. I realized more than anything, guts is an important element in achieving your dreams. Yun bang, kahit hinindian ka na or nireject ng bongga, there’s still this feeling na momentary lang yung rejection, that sooner or later, you’ll be accepted din.

You know what’s weird? Talking to my HS mates last night opened my eyes to the fact na my wisdom falls short with theirs. Iba. I feel na yung maturity ko hindi pa ganun ka lawak as compared to theirs. I am not having this comparison kasi di ko naappreciate yung pagka ako, not that. I just thought na iba yung lessons na nalelearn mo through experiences, sobrang lawak, deep, and I almost felt I am quite childish. Kulang.

Then I also felt na kahit yung career ko, I haven’t really had the willingness to learn more. I have this tendency to be just comfortable with what I am given kaya I feel burdened pag may bagong iniinput sakin. Mali yun, that’s surely a stagnating factor for me. Yung potentials ko, di masyadong namamaximize at na feel ko last night na kulang ako sa knowledge. Modesty aside, way back in HS, I belonged to the top 1% of the graduating class. And now, parang ako yung salimpusa sa kanila. Parang they seem to know more than I do.

Even my prized banking experience, napag usapan naming kagabi yung equities and also fluctuating interest on bank loans for major investments such as the house loans, I am shocked to know, I don’t know anything about it. I just kept silent sa duration ng topic. And I was like, Oh my! What significant lesson did I learn from my previous job? Sobrang comfortable lang ba talaga ako sa counting 1-100? Suddenly, nagflash yung supposed to be a notch higher offer for me way back, and just like an employee who dares to be comfortable with a typewriter rather than a computer, I refused. I told my boss back then that I am not yet ready to be groomed.

Alam mo yun?

There’s so much to learn, I’ll just have to be open. Maturity naman doesn’t come overnight. As long as naiendure yung present, the future will take its course. Aja!

chat

Eto na yun. Eto na yun e.

Yung feeling na parang di ka na magiging Masaya pag ikaw nalang at wala na sya. Yung feeling na kahit ano pa man, willing kang igive up ang kung anu ano nalang alang alang sa future mo na kasama sya. Yung feeling na parang walang meaning ang life kung di lang din naman sya ang makikita. At yung pinakabongga sa lahat, yung feeling na idedeactivate ang facebook porke’t sa dami ba naman ng taong online, ni isang letra ng pangalan nya, wala? Ano pang saysay ng facebook kung di lang din naman sya ang makakausap ko sana kahit sa chat?

Pathetic. Foolish and completely lost.

Correct. I am getting much illogical about my decisions. Kinausap ko nga ng masinsinan yung sarili ko, sabi ko, “what’s wrong with you?” aba sumagot, ang sabi “ what about you?” The tremendous deliberation is starting. Ang hirap. Nakakastress pala kausap ang sarili kasi walang nagpapatalo. Kesyo ito yung point ko at iba naman yung point ng half self ko. Kaloka! Ano ba talaga self?

Ansaveh ni Sisang Baliw sa peg kong self talking? Di nga. Parang natablan ata yung Achilles heel ko, pano ba naman may mga lalake talagang dakilang sweet at mejo flirty. Ako pa naman, I am not so accustomed. Di ko masyadong keri makipagbungguang siko sa mga ito. I have naman the cards to play along kaso parang poker lang, natatalo kasi nakikita sa mukha kung anong nahablot kong baraha.

The reason there being is that, I am not a player. Sa larangan ng pag-ibig kulang sa kembot. Haist. Parang wala akong time makipaglandian. Kulang sa pa-chummy. Siguro nung past life ko isa akong langaw, marami man ang nag attempt na pumalo, konti lang talaga ang nagsasucceed, minsan, wala talaga. Kaya patuloy ang paggala.

Anyway, what a metaphor, sa lahat ba naman ng maisip ko langaw pa talaga? In fair, in truth and in fact, naghihintay lang naman talaga ako e. Paano ba naman kasi kung sino yung gusto mo na gusto ka din, sobrang bagal. May epidemic din e, kung sino yung nagugustuhan mo na, syang pa’ng bibitiw.

Pero di nga, sana naman matuloy na to! Please lang, ikaw n asana, sana palagi kang online sa facebook, di lang chat promise, video chat na! Let’s go loverboy! LOL :D

Blue

Blue.

It symbolizes a lot of things. Pwedeng paboritong kulay sa gown, pwedeng sosyal, pwede din kung anuman ang sinasaloob ng isang tao sa ngayon. You see, depende sa paggamit at sa kalidad ng pagkahilig.

Would you believe, naisip kong mag motif ng royal blue para sa aking ika 25th na kaarawan. Kasi nga diba, never akong nagkaparty talaga na may balloons, clowns, jogglers, mantle na malasirena ang kulot ng tela, or even chairs na nakalinya para sa isang pagdiriwang. At 20, naisip ko, by 25, baka kaya ko ng magfinance ng sarili kong party. Yun bang naaayun sa mga yuppies or young, single and boldly fabulous professionals. Since di naman ako nagkaroon talaga ng engrandeng birthday, at 25 feel na feel kong icelebrate ito. My quarter life.

Royal Blue would be my color at 25. Parang sobrang grand, sobrang bold kasi nakakaattract ng attention. I like royal blue. Para siyang sleeping dragon. Amongst Red and Yellow, of course yung blue yung di masyadong napapansin, But Royal Blue is another story. It has in it mystery and a certain touch of sophistication. Bagay na bagay sa feeling kong personality ko. hehe

Sa totoo lang, di pa talaga ako ready mag 25. Nareremember ko nung 16 ako, I was so ready to be 18, palibhasa, anuman yung age ko as a teenager, it’s still the same, I am under my parents’ roof, I am under Bahay ni Kuya Rules at syempre under the saya ni mother. NI Eeek or eeenk, plak! Di pwede magtalk back or else sabog ang bibig.

Now, Parang andami lang kulang pa sa buhay ko bilang 24 at di ko pa masyadong naexplore yung mga things na dapat naexplore ko na. Parang may isang black hole parin at di ako magsisinungaling kung sasabihin kong black hole sa sentro ng sarili ko....

Which leads me sa pagiging blue. Minsan kasi I lose track of the time. Having single and fabulous friends parang okay lang lahat. Okay lang single basta happy. But now that I am about to reach a certain age, parang teka lang, pause, tanong ko sa sarili ko, “ha? Di parin? Wala parin?” Hindi naman sa bonggang pressured cooker ako but naisip ko, mygosh! I am surely not a teenager anymore. In fact, I am not under my parents’ roof na. This should be it.

Parang lately ha, nagiging blue ako sa kakaisip sa future ko. While others of my age are happily in love, here I am, in love na in love din… sa self ko! Parang teka lang, wait muna, have some time to open the door, have some time to enjoy the breeze and to see the world with 2 hearts and 4 eyes, meaning, not my usual self, alone lang, keri ang self portrait.

As I approach my quarter life, I think I am having a crisis talaga. Existent pala talaga sya. It’s not a myth after all. Parang video flashback. I need to get a grip kung saan talaga ako dapat. To know where I am and to know where I will be in the near future. Kung tutuusin, nakakaloka magi sip kung ano ang meron sa bukas. Pero at this point, mejo reasonable na talaga to continue a future on where I start and grow to be a tree from there years from now.

Kahit di man matuloy engrandeng royal blue occasion ko or kahit feeling Blue man ako ngayon. Sus bahala na! I know naman na if I make an effort lang talaga and try to outgrow fixations, I will soon BLUE-ssom! Chos! :D