Pensieve

Dear Draco Malfoy,

Whenever I think of you, I really hoped that you think of me too.

There were times when I still cannot believe that we are all growups now, like I still cannot believe that Harry and Ginny ended up together.

I wished I had Dumbledore’s pensieve and that I can see the memories as a third person.

Why?

Because I wanted to see how you reacted when I was dying of giddiness for you.

I wanted to see if it was just me or if it was indeed mutual. Loose ends.

I just don’t understand why you keep visiting me in my dreams when I became so strict with myself not to see you again.

It is commendable how I tried to forget you, cutting all the means of communication, turning deaf to

Every info I can possibly hear pertaining to you.

I mean, I don’t get it. Why can’t you just vanish?

Why do I have moments that I think of you. This is foolish. Unacceptable.

I wish to not see you again ever, in person and in my dreams.

Do me a favour, do not EVER cross my mind! T­_T

twenty seventeen

Last day of work for 2017 happens today!

Yay!!!

2017 has been blissful and worth remembering.

I opened it with a heart that was pained but gradually, the anger has been taken over by pure love of family.

2017 has enabled me to spend more time with people who matter.

I refused to be associated with “negaminds” and just focus with positivity.

I am grateful that I have been given a chance to enjoy Europe.

It has been a dream and kicking it off from the bucket feels so good.

I’d love to come back though :P

I am thankful to people who stood by me and stood up for me.

I am greatly indebted to the kindness that has been showered upon me and I look forward to paying it forward.

Although some dreams hasn’t been granted in 2017 yet, I still dream earnestly and pray harder that 2018 will be the year for it.

Thank you 2017, you were awesome!!

With love,

late bloomer

I have always known that I am a late bloomer.

I’m probably the last girl in class to learn a dance step and master it after all have rested.

I’m probably the last one who appreciates Star wars now that it’s on its Nth episode.

(I seriously don’t know who Luke sky walker was and his contribution to the world that they’re living in.)

I’m probably the last one who enjoyed carbonara just because I was loyal with red sauce pasta.

And yes, I’m probably the last girl who falls in love…

Believe me when I say that I have never ever cried out from a heartbreak.

And I never have truly fallen in love either.

Someone asked me why I never had a relationship and tell you what, I have never fathomed the answer to it before. Not until recently…

I realized that ever since, my goals were always centred to myself. It’s more about pursuing my dreams and chasing opportunities.

I’ve had romantic experiences but none really succeeded because I thought, they’re in for nothing but a fling. When someone told me he liked me, I told him, I liked him back. But when he demanded that I stayed… I thought, why?

My priorities were focused on what I want to achieve. It was targeted towards me being successful and seeing the world. It was never about being with someone and committing myself to him in exchange for my being free-spirited.

I valued my freedom that in no qualms, I leaped even if it means leaving.

At 30, it seems clearer that I wanted to climb to the next level.

I am a late bloomer when it comes to love. And quite honestly, I am still in confusion whether I believe if love lasts completely or if it is inversely proportional with time. (I have my reasons.)

Someone told me I am hard to please but easy to love.

Well, I guess so. I am a late bloomer when it comes to expressing my emotions because chances are, my mind gets in the way and when my mind sets itself to something like leaving, I do it, without looking back.

I am a late bloomer but I believe blooming is all about timing.

HK and what it represents

All those prayers about winning the HK DISNEYLAND PRIZE in a raffle at CENTRAL WAREHOUSE CLUB when I was 9 come to me like a thunderbolt.  

WHEN I THINK OF HONGKONG…

 

I get this familiar tinge of excitement.

I feel the giddiness that envelops me when my sister screamed, “we’re booked!”

I was 21 then. It was my first overseas trip.

It was a trip that I financed fully after being employed right after graduation.

Yes, it was a reward to self, you see.

I can vividly remember that night when we spent some time trying to access CEBU PACIFIC AIR website, as they offered a PESO SALE. We tried several times before being confirmed and it was the sweetest, most glorifying moment ever!

I mean, I used to hear it when artistas say “oh, nagkita kami sa hong kong” or when a classmate says “yes, sa HK Disneyland kami mag ki-Christmas”. Wow! I mean, how I wish I have the power to do that too.

Arriving in HONGKONG was every bit of a dream come true.

Those pictures give justice to the bright neon signs scattered all over downtown Hongkong.

The movies intricately described Hong Kong, the way it actually is.

And hey, DISNEYLAND? My childhood dream at 9?

I just couldn’t contain my disbelief that I was able to actually step into the bricked floors of Disneyland, meet Mickey and Minnie and had a grand time riding all that I can inside the theme park and yes, I literally cried while watching the DISNEYLAND fireworks. Haha

To this day, whenever I think of HONGKONG, I still feel a bit sentimental.

I am in awe at the thought that my childhood dream had come true and so much more came after it.

It was that very thought that made me realize how possible it is to achieve goals. I’ve always thought that my dreams were so much bigger than who I actually was.

I wasn’t born rich, My family never really had the luxury to travel when I was young because NEEDS do come first—ALWAYS. And traveling involves EXTRA money after the NEEDS. Raffle contests were my only possible means, then. Haha  
BUT understanding what we are JUST capable of, gives me the acceptance of the status we’re currently at and it was okay, but at the same time, at the back of my mind, I yearn to see more… in my own fabulous time.

Who would’ve thought that seeing HONG KONG became instrumental to all my travels that came after.

The thought occurred to me as though,  because I have travelled to HONG KONG, all the other places wouldn’t be that hard anymore.

Visiting HONG KONG was the gateway for me not to rush into responsibilities like having a kid or being married because admit it, it will be harder to get away when you have someone to look after to.

 

When I travel to HONG KONG these days, I still feel ecstasy.

I love Hong Kong and what it represents to my life.

Although, I never really won the raffle at 9 and I grew disappointed from joining all the raffle contests that came after… Life has a funny way of surprising you. I just asked for a trip to HK Disneyland and I won the raffle to trips of a few more! Dreams do come true! J

confessions of a semi-insomniac

1131pm

He’s very nocturnal, I see. But I know I’m gonna regret the next morning.

I bid him good bye as I need to sleep.

He replied four consecutive messages, I wanted to ignore and just reply the next morning, but I’m too curious what he wanted to say. I read, he said, goodnight and sweet dreams and two other texts basically mean the same thing.

I couldn’t resist to reply, sweet dreams as well.

He messaged again, I managed to ignore.

I’ll read the next morning, alright?

1145pm

My heart is beating so fast.

I shut my eyes tight but I can’t seem to shut my mind.

For some reason, something is bothering me.

I went to pee.

12am

I began to hate myself.

I should’ve tried sleeping at 1030pm to make some leeway.

My roommate is still busy with her phone and the movements, even the slightest noise and vibration, I can feel it.

I grew sensitive to movements as I loathe my mind from thinking too much.

1210am

I counted sheeps. I am tempted to get my phone and just play with it.

But no. I remembered cell regeneration will commence in the same hr as I slept.

I am pressured to sleep soon. I counted sheep, focused on blackness of sight and tried to empty my mind…

All to no avail.

1220am

This is really getting worst. I hated myself, my mind, my roommate, the tea that I drank after dinner, the loud heartbeat that doubles in decibels as I try to close my eyes. I hated the fact that my aircon is noisy and the bed is too soft and the spring behind it is rather weak. I hated my pillow which does not support my neck in its convenience. I hated my quilt because it does not give me proper warmth at all.

I hated everything that night until I couldn’t hate anything anymore.

1230am

All went dark and my breath was steady.

In the darkness, I lay there in oblivion, transported to a world where fantasy became my reality.

OH SLEEP, why are you so elusive when I needed you most?

overkill

I am writing this on a HAPPY NOTE.

I have noticed that when I speak out about my thoughts, it leans back to a negative connotation.

Maybe because, most of my thoughts concern so much about how I feel.

The more I think and talk about how I feel, the worse it becomes so I made an experiment.

I have to.

I vowed not to think about how I feel and try to overanalyse things as if my problems look like a frog to be dissected.

And quite honestly, this approach works for me.

How to do it?

1)      Things/ people/ situations that provoke you into thinking or even comparing yourself to it,

A-V-O-I-D. Get away from it.

Take for example, stalking at your ex’s profile or simply trying to be nosy about your friend’s love life. Quit it. Focus your mind to a reality that completely belongs to you--- YOUR OWN LIFE.

2)      Explore your skills/ passion.

If you like making origamis or replanting your own succulents, go ahead. Be busy about what you are interested in. Occupy your time and brain on innovating what your hands can do. Not only does it make your brain work, it makes your heart happy.

3)      Just stop thinking. Will you?

This is the most important thing, ever.

When you feel like you are nearing towards being concerned about something, don’t fall into the trap. Veer yourself away from all the thoughts that consume you.

For example, when you worry about your parents’ health, chances are, you worry about your finances, then your career, then your future in general. It’s a vicious cycle.

So don’t try treading the dangerous path and JUST breathe. Relax.

Control your mind to think only about the positive.

The problem with most of us is that we think too much and be sickeningly worried about something that has never occurred YET. Our thoughts are too much to handle that only lead us to be helpless and hopeless. Learn the art of nonchalance. To feel relax even in the most difficult situation ‘cause we all know that what kills us is not drowning itself, it’s panic at the first sign of difficulty.

Know that the world is huge and definitely, everything happens for a Reason.

Have faith and remain closer to your Creator. You are made and everything He made has a purpose.

While it’s true to be okay not to be okay, MIND OVER MATTER is also true to everyone.

Peace, love and explore! J

climb again

“We appreciate you taking time to submit your application, however, we regret to inform you that…”

I know how this letter ends and truth be told, I was kinda expecting this rejection again.

I was just bold enough to try again and maybe, a miracle will come forth to me, who knows?

Weirdly enough, I feel the calmness of my inner spirit.

As I do not have to wait anxiously for the result anymore and that, there will be no more what ifs.

I have gone through this before, and as much as I would like to succeed, it just isn’t for me… JUST YET.

In my life, I have face many rejections and have witnessed so many doors closing in front of my face.

I have gone through hardships and tough times that left me in the dark for a period of time.

But guess what? Amidst it all, I am grateful.

I am grateful to have experienced bumps along the way ‘cause I know now how to appreciate plains. And most importantly, I  am thankful enough that among the many, it was  I who were given the chance.

I always say this, “GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO BRAVE IT ALL.”

And I know this by heart.

Before I folded the letter, it says “however, you may submit your application again in the future”.

I closed the letter with a bittersweet smile that escaped my lips.

Ahhh! Sometimes, you just have to know when to stop and rather than climbing the same mountain all over again, why not try another even if it makes you start again?

walang ka Paris

When I think about Paris…

I can still recall the feeling of alighting in Trocadero and climbing the stairs to have the magnificent view that the Eiffel was.

It was my first night in Paris and it was windy at 6pm.

There were so many people in that specific area, kids, couples, elders and people like me.

Some may be locals bringing their tourist friends and most are tourists, just finding their way and making time to marvel at the scenery.

From end to end, people are taking pictures, chatting, laughing.

I stood there in awe. I almost pinch my arm, I still can’t believe I was there.

You see, I used to just fantasize about being in Paris. Who wouldn’t?

I used to watch “Lovers in Paris” and really love the idea that I’d be able to find love in Paris just like Vivian haha

Then here comes, “KC loves Paris”, whereby she showcased a glimpse of her life while studying in Paris.

I loved it even more when I saw “Midnight in Paris” and all the movies and events Paris has been mentioned.

I can go on naming anything I can associate with Paris and this post wouldn’t end.

But one thing’s for sure, it’s was ONE BIG dream. 

Paris was an IMPOSSIBLE dream.

It’s a far-fetched idea to be there because, let’s face it, it’s expensive.

The air ticket + pocket money? I need to be wealthy to get there.

But circumstances brought me to a different angle. One does not need to be wealthy to be there.

I should know, I was there.

Paris was beyond my imagination. It was totally what I wanted to see.

The structure, the food, the French, even the manholes were very much what I would like to see.

When I went to Jardin des Tuileries, I just couldn’t stop myself from being amazed.

The well- manicured trees, the fountain in the middle of the garden, the ferris wheel on one side and the Louvre on the other, I mean, it’s surreal!

I saw couples holding hands and some going in for some serious kissing scenes ( I wanted to stare! LOL) but you know what? It just felt all natural to do all those things there because it seems like Paris was made for that.

I almost grew jealous and wondered about my partner as well. Haha

We climbed the stairs on our way to Montmarte and somehow we saw a glimpse of their residences.

The alleys were truly small but the cafes were more than enough to accommodate anyone in.

I’ve never seen such a place with so many cafes. Literally in every corner, and that makes me think that probably, French people do like to have a lot of down time.

Paris was my first and last stop in my European leg and I couldn’t be happier.

When I think of Paris, it gives me this unexplainable joy.

Perhaps a sense of achievement? A tinge of unending excitement? Or even this inordinate amount of gratitude that I was actually able to achieve a dream.

A girl like me? I can only dream and list it as a bucketlist.

To be able to tick it out of the bucket?

I feel like I’m graduating as a dreamer and totally became more of an achiever. HAHA

When I think of Paris, I still have my heart beat faster and that familiar scent of excitement still envelops me. I think of my future love and all these sensations coming through me, could it be? Love would be much stronger than this?

haha

Forgive me. :P

mita lovely

There’s no greater thing than to be a MITA!

The thing about being an aunt is having the ability to be this cool person.

In their eyes, I am free spirited. Someone who is able to do the things she wanted to do.

In their eyes, I am the neutral ground.

When their mom scolds them or even lays a hand on them, I am the poste for whom they can seek refuge to.

I am invincible. Their mom can’t touch me, I have that sort of power.

To them, I am neither Cinderella nor wonderwoman… I am me. I am their aunt, I have power just being me.

Or not?

Haha. I love being an aunt because I love my nephews.

I love how they talk, how they are so sweet and smart at the same time.

I love how they do anything to get what they want.

I love their youth, their energy and lack thereof, at times.

I often wonder, when I was a kid, I was a dumb one.

A candy can bribe me, but them? It takes a lot of convincing because they really know what they want.

Sometimes I think about them being more firm in what they want than me. Haha

The irony of it all is that it may be a good and bad thing.

I am a MITA, short for, MOMMY + TITA. I am one of their biggest fans, one of their biggest cheerleaders.

I love my nephews, they’re cute and cuddly and oh so adorbs!

bintan tananannn

Yes to adventures!!

I agreed to go with my colleagues, over the weekend to Bintan.

It’s my second time to go to overseas with them so why not?

I have established early on that my goal in the coming years is to make more memories. No matter who I’m with.

I’m usually very cautious as to who I associate with but I think experiencing a lot of these things will help me grow.

As a social individual, putting myself out there, is beneficial to how I want to continue with the journey through life.

You get to have more ideas, know more people and spend time with others.

And guess what? I enjoyed ATV-ing in the Indonesian forest.

It was such a thrill to go full throttle only to end up bumping someone. Haha

And it was not that easy of a trek at all, there were more downhills than plains thus, I love the challenge!

I brought my brand new stabilizer and tested it out on the bumpy UTV rides that got my feet really muddy as my boss’ passenger! It was one hell of a ride and the stabilizer was really tested. I’m just glad.

So for my next adventure?

Just you wait and see… hehe

Lovely the explorer here we go!

my goal

I’ve come to a new goal…

At 30, I feel like I need to pursue something else.

Something that excites me, something that makes time go by so fast,

Something that creates an impact within me, something that makes me look forward to days ahead.

Sadly, that something isn’t what I am doing now.

Early on, I know I need to be in the creative field.

Wherein I use my hands in sync with my mind with a clear vision for an output.

Much like a sculpture that I mould as the picture of it crosses my mind so often.

Much like the lyrics of a song I can sing even without drums.

Much like the executable program that I so expertly know.

All because, I made them.

I know for sure that as an employee, I am an asset.

I work without stopping with or without a deadline.

I try to help in the process of arriving to a certain destination where profit is always higher than the cost.

Well, they’ve told me, I am a disciplined employee.

But I am not the best at what I do.

I have this hunch that I can never be one.

Why? Because of my goal.

My biggest goal in so far as work is concerned…

It is simply to be my OWN BOSS. lol

a blog's life

What?!i have been writing in this blog since 2008?!?

So next years’ gonna be my 10^th?!

Wow! How time flies.

Writing is a hobby where I subconsciously vents out my frustrations, anger, the things I can never say and of course, share my fascination, excitement and happiness!

In here, I feel free to express my opinion and ideas.

In here, I always feel like I have a documentation of the things I did, the feelings I felt, the life I lived—so far.

In writing, I don’t feel like I need to please anyone and just go with what I want to say.

In reality, I used to be bubbly to the point of tactlessness, but maturity happens and I found myself writing more than speaking.

As I go through my earliest blog posts, I realized how revolutionary writing is as it serves as the timeline of my life.

I read about my past misery as if it was the biggest problem of the universe, I read about my ever changing mood that this blog so randomly captures.

9 years, baby!!

That’s like a million years in blog’s life!

More entries to come as I approach my tenth year as an anonymous citizen in the blogosphere. Teehee! :P

hong kong

I’m leaving for HK in 2 weeks… and hell yeah!!

I am excited!

I am excited to meet my family there and spend some quality time.

It is special since the beloved nephews are coming.

OMG! I just can’t hide my excitement as I may have to tighten my belt as I chase these two while

They make their way to kiss Mickey and Minnie!

In 2010, my family visited HK and we had the grandest time.

It is my dream to bring them again there for a vacation.

What’s more exciting is having the “faceoff” with my best girls who happens to be my mum and sis.

Our ootd labanan will commence.

The sis and I made a bet, we should lose weight and whoever wins will get 100 USD from the other.

Waaah… well, I can see, she’s trying really hard.

I can’t lose. I hate losing!!! Lol

Geez! What am I gonna wear?

I wish it’s cold enough for my long cardigans…

I wanted to wear some boots, but hell no, it’s not even snowing!

Till then, I’m gonna update HK post soon J

extension of myself

The truest person next to you would be a sister.

I have triumphed so many hurdles in my life because I knew I was not alone.

I can go on pursuing my dreams with no guarantee of succeeding because I know someone will always have my back.

I can try so many things without having to worry because I will always have a home to come home to.

I am blessed.

I am blessed enough to have the chance to go out to the world and chase ever-changing horizons because no matter what, there will always be someone to back me up. It doesn’t even matter if I win or lose, what matters is I tried.

In my many attempts to go after what I want, I failed countless of times.

People have the tendency to mock people who fail at something as if they know better.

But in my failures, I have gained so much more PERHAPS more than if I succeeded.

In my failures, I have learned to stand up, to dust it all off and attempt climbing again.

I know I have not arrived at my destination yet, but in the process of arriving, I have conquered multiple heights.

Greater avenues to discover my own weaknesses and empowering myself to try changing the negatives to more of the positives, and if not, I would have no urgency to control what is beyond my control.

I have days that I am productive and days that I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing.

I have days where life is better and days where I look forward to better days.

My struggles are constant like a machinery working to keep the wheels moving.

And just like a path, I can only pray that there would be more plains than bumpy ones.

I am thankful to my hardworking support system who puts me in my place whenever I become consumed by these merciless demons clouding my judgment. I am thankful to my sister for always giving me light when darkness overshadows me. With my sister, I am at ease that she always have my best interest at heart, and that no matter what, our bond is stronger than all the bad decisions that envelop me.

I trust no one but myself, but an extension is always a better idea. 

masterpiece

“I worry about you” , says my sister who seem to have the biggest worry on Earth and it’s about me.

“Worry about yourself”, I countered.

I obviously know how my family is reacting to my being single.

They worry about me getting unhitched for the rest of my life.

Tell you what, I have the same worry too especially before I reach 30.

I mean, all my colleagues are hitched, or okay there’s probably 1 in the office who is as unhitched as I am but she’s got a steady boyfriend perhaps waiting for the right time to propose… Most of my closest friends are either married or super moms… Most of my batchmates are in the same boat as my closest friends… generally, majority of the people I come in contact with are married or engaged.

At one point, I had felt a bit left out. I got scared of the idea of not being able to be married at all, and having no children whatsoever…

It took me a lot of effort to persist in thinking about only the positive and focusing more on myself. Thank God for wisdom!

I have come across different stories about life in general and the value of waiting. More than the worries, I am excited about my life and how my love story unfolds.

I have accepted that my love may come late compared to others and that’s okay.

I just have to marvel at my experiences, the season that I am in and enjoy it to the fullest.

Life is short and I don’t want to have it more shortened by worrying about the unknown.

I do love pleasant surprises, and I am always in for the experience.

I’d love to look at my life in a colourful manner… I mean, waiting for the ONE should not stop me from doing what I love, and I’m doing it independently, as always.

My body clock would not stop even if I worry about my love life, doesn’t it?

So why worry?

I vowed to maximize what I can do. I want to be a woman who is capable, undeterred by predicaments, no matter how blurry my love life looks like.

I vowed to always pursue greatness and not be bounded by the people’s idea of what my life should look like.

Afterall, I am my own painter. I paint with colors despite the grays and blacks that this society presents me. As an artist,  I worry about nothing because every work I do is a masterpiece. My life itself, is.

on depression

What depression feels like?

Your body wants to succumb to sleep yet your mind is actively participating in the war of thoughts.

The nights become longer and you keep trying to sleep but the more you try, the more reluctant sleep becomes.

You spend your days trying to align what needs to be done first yet your train of thoughts disturb you in a way that you are unable to function.

Action plus war in the mind can be very tiring. You find yourself in total abandon. Halting activities, cornering yourself, in the hope that you can figure it out on your own.

You sigh in worry as the demons keep getting stronger.

You try to reach out to a friend, but she does not get it. You try to put it out there hoping to get a favourable response from anyone who might be able to get where you are in, but again, they all say the same. They do not understand.

You appeal a bit more but it’s all the same until you cement the thought, nobody will understand.

It’s the thought that nobody will ever understand and solidifying that you can never get out from it, is what pushes you off the edge.

but my friend, it's not the end of the tunnel. it never was. you just have to believe that eventually, there's always a light. you will be saved. 

#KeepGoing

florence

Ever been to a place where you thought, you are too blessed to be there?

I have and it’s already countless of times. But one place struck me the most, because in there, I saw a vision of my not-so-distant future. In there I saw a vision that makes me happy the most and just thinking about it brings me to a new high, a sweet one. In there I saw a vision of satisfaction and only Florence can give me that.

Believe me, I fell in love with the place the moment I arrived.

If you are into various forms of arts, it might just be the best place for you.

I love the arts and I enjoyed a handful of museums across the city. I enjoyed walking Ponte Vecchio and marveled at Statue of David while listening to some acoustic busking in a corner. I love the mix of tranquility as I gaze towards the horizon and the sun sets painting the sky in perfect hues. I love that I was there doing something favorable to my soul.

It dawned upon me, I wish I’d have a kid who excel in the arts and I’d wish he’d be interested to travel halfway around the world to pursue it. and by the time he decides so, I’d be able to send him through.

I had this vision of my child who studies painting in Florence. (Or yeah, not necessarily painting, perhaps sculpting, sketching or anything about the arts.) I feel that it would be wonderful to pursue something you’re passionate about rather than pursuing something because it’s practical. And as a parent, I have to give him that.

I mean, in my lifetime, I had given up and perhaps haven’t really learned the proper way of some stuff that I am interested about because the “needs” always come first and passion especially in the arts is something that has been categorized in the “wants” department.

Don’t get me wrong, I had the best parents in the world who supported me in all aspects of my life in the most selfless way possible, it’s just that, we’re not well-to do and we ain’t got any extra.

I am thankful beyond words that I am given opportunities to travel as much as I can, now that I am older and I get to value the hard work and perseverance that I put through what I do because I am able to save some and enjoy some to live my life fully. My visions are clear and although it might take so long to get there but it’s a nice feeling to acknowledge that visiting a place inspires you to be a better version of yourself.

Florence gave me a new goal. A goal which seems very impossible to conquer but at the same time, it gives me the push, to propel further in life because yes, things has just started.

I look forward to making it happen, and I’m keeping my eyes open so that when I get to materialize this vision, I know I was into it, every step of the way.