Single Fin

As I’m writing this I am stationed in a balcony by the majestical cliffs of Uluwatu,  that boasts stunning views of one of surfing’s spiritual homes, and comes alive as the sun sinks into the Indian Ocean.

I hummed into the faint music from good old radio while sipping in my watermelon pure juice. (I could’ve opted for a beer, anytime any day but chose not to since I am on my meds and no alcohols are allowed for me for now. )

The good thing about this place is you get to drown yourself in the amazing view and at the same time enjoy gastronomic delights without bleeding your pocket dry.

It’s past lunch time and people are starting to come in, slowly the music was drowned by laughter and voices of people speaking with a twang. It makes you feel good, I almost just beamed with smile at random strangers. (Then I thought, Oh dear! Maybe I’ll look like a psycho.)

The beauty that surrounds me is just too magnificent that the best lens to use to capture is still my set of eyes and store it in no greater memory card than my memory bank.

I settled myself near the rail and sat on a high chair with my concoction in hand.

“This is life!” I said to myself.

Below me are few other balconies and right across me are the relaxing chunks of cotton candy A.K.A. clouds.

The sun is glaring at me but I’ve never been this fan of the mighty sun until now. It works magically on my break-hungry soul. I feel relaxed just lounging and satisfying my eyes to the beauty that unfolds me.

I arranged this trip for the sole purpose of relaxation. When life gets tough, the tough gets going, they say, and taking a break every once in a while is what propels me as a tough cookie. I asked my driver to give me at least 2 hours to experience Single Fin and off we go to our next destination and he obliged. I was happy.

What seemed to be 2 hrs ended in almost 4 hours.

I was so captivated that I thought, I really can stay there for a whole day and just chill. It is such a shame that I could not witness the sunset since I need to gear up to my next location but even so, just lounging there and emptying my mind by taking in all what Single fin has to offer, I was completely satisfied. Perhaps, witnessing the sunset was just a bonus.

But then again, like all the trips I’ve been to, there’s no need to fret, it just gives me a reason to come back!

Oh by the way, I write this, I am transported back to the place and felt like I am typing from the same bird’s eye view balcony. Relieving the memories is just secondary to being there again.

I love you, Single Fin!

in this Christmas

What a month had been!

Time flies so fast that the moment I tuck myself in for sleep, I woke up and it’s almost Christmas.

While I try to control myself not to feel too excited about going home. Which by the way is a first in five years—for Christmas!

I read a Facebook status days ago about being joyous this Christmas but at the same time being mindful of others who are not excited as we are in this Holiday Season. Then I thought to myself, “are there people who are not as excited?”

I remembered, not everyone has the same situation. For some, they must’ve felt the loss, the disappointment, the depression and all hell breaks loose kind of stuff. For some, they simply are away from their family and must’ve felt the pang of pain or guilt by not being with them.

I remembered my past Christmases and how last year’s Christmas almost brought me to celebrating solo.

Imagine yourself walking along a crowded street, with people all cheers and friends all smiles. Family strolling around and kids just running around with their new toys in their hands. And you? Well, trying your best to be okay when truth is, you’re just an inch away from breaking down.

And how about the Noche Buena? The chatting in the sala while munching snacks waiting for midnight?

You’d find yourself locked in your bedroom ‘cause your housemates have gone home and mumble to yourself that it’s just a day, and tomorrow’s (25^th) just gonna be a sleeping day. How lonely!

But believe me, last year, I have thought about the same exact scenario. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself for being alone.

While it’s nobody’s fault, sometimes, things just don’t fall according to your plans.

This year, I made a brave move to ask my boss early on to allow me for a Christmas break since I haven’t been home for Christmas in 5 consecutive years and I couldn’t be any more excited!

I am wrapping up this year with all the positivity that I could muster.

Christmas is the time when we look back and appreciate how far we’ve come.

Whether solo or with people, Amidst the hustle and bustle of the holiday spirit, Christmas is still the day we commemorate the birth of our Lord Almighty. And while we keep ourselves busy pouring in some wine or dashing to find the perfect gift, this is Jesus birthday and we should not forget to give thanks to him. Always.

Wreck

The thing is, the more you think about it, the deeper the cut becomes.

I’m trying to handle my situation as coolly as possible but no rationality can shield me from the fact that this is not a nightmare and that, I’d wake up tomorrow remembering the hurt first thing in the morning. I am deeply affected that I find myself stopping in the middle of my random conversations with friends. I am way too distracted that I become bitter of what I see.

Betrayal is one thing. Lack of remorse is another.

My poor heart.

I've never been too emotional about most aspects of my life as I do not want to live in drama. This is real and my emotions are just as real. I couldn't hide the fact that i am a total wreck and that no matter what i do, what i say, my mood just swings from good to worst in no time. I am not okay. If this is what bipolarity seems like then, i am feeling it nowadays.

I'm trying so hard to control my rage. I want to take revenge, to avenge someone and to let someone pay for making us feel the way we do today.

I'd love to say my piece over and over again, even though i know that no amount of bad words can relieve the anger and pain that I am feeling.

I want to ask so many questions but I know most of these questions do not necessarily get a valid answer. And the more i push for answers, the more disappointed i might become.

Today, I went to mass. I don't know what to pray for anymore. This has rendered me speechless in more ways than i ever imagined. So I just sit there, unable to fully construct what I wanted to ask to God. Instead I looked intently at the crucifix, how Jesus has died for our sins and even if He did, how ungrateful we are to commit more sins.

I found myself tearing up, I quickly wiped my eyes. I cannot cry.

I surrender Lord. Your will be done, i murmured.

Amidst this all, i hope to find the purpose. I trust that there must've been a reason for this sacrifice and to that, i am hopeful.

For how long I’m gonna stay like this? Time can only tell.

It's difficult that I’m bearing this burden alone but it makes it more difficult that I do not have the courage to ask for someone's help because I know they will never understand.

I will be deeply scarred after this, that I am sure. But it also means that i have lived the life. And contrary to what others might think, my life has been the same as everyone, full of phases.
Phases that shape up who I am today.

bottled it up

5:55 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

thank God it’s still a Sunday!

The night has been so long and I’ve had no choice but to pretend I’m sleeping, closing my eyes, counting sheep endlessly, I’ve done it but reality is that my mind is far from it.

Could this be the iced cappuccino decaf? Or could this be just me affected by the drama that has been going on my life for days now?

I sighed to myself.

No matter how many times I deny, at this age, I still can’t fake anxiety or depression.

And worst, I thought I am better at handling things, turns out, I’m blinded and was just good at avoiding it.

These days, I always find myself in long pauses, distant stares and zoning out. I feel that my body is there but my mind is off to somewhere. And believe me when I say that even feeling so down makes me crack up to a painful experience as if it’s a joke. Weird huh?

I guess when you hit a point whereby you’ve no control over and just take no matter what life gives you, you’ll be deeply overwhelmed by it. You develop a certain numbness.

I’m speaking from a point where drama has not been my cup of tea.

I talked to a friend last night and she told me that being brave is accepting that you are weak sometimes.

I agreed.

For the most part, we are challenged just so we know how long can we stand. We are tested just so we know how far we can go.

6:20 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016

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I bottled in my thoughts and I wish I can say more.

rarely

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Anger is so intense an emotion that I so thoroughly avoid.

One, it’s not good for my heart, two, it’s unhealthy for my skin and lastly, it’s a mouse trap.

You get angry for what?

I was brought up happy. I had good memories more than the bad. I am blessed.

I keep a positive attitude towards life, I keep cool no matter what season I am in.

But the more I age, the more challenges I am faced with.

Challenges that keep me from maintaining my cool, challenges that provoke the dragon in me.

I RARELY get angry. I don’t mind irregularities much or make an issue out of small ones.

I let go. I let time decide. I go on with life.

But don’t get me wrong, I never said I am a Saint. When I get angry, I tend to go all out.

My mind is so powerful, I can conjure horrible ideas. It scares me. It surprises me in ways I never would have imagined.

Recently, I got a run-in with a past issue that involves a turning point in my life. (I’m not going to be so specific as it still hurts me.) I went ballistic. I wanted to go all out with that damn war. Forget my name, my education, everything that I strive to be… it’s all about making a person pay for hurting someone who means so much to me and more.

I was ready to take the blows but was more than ready to make the hits!

My mind just closed up to the fact that I always take the blow without throwing some and it angers me. Why would I allow people to step on me over and over again when I can do something about it?

Why would I put myself defenceless every freaking time? Why can’t I for once bring the battle on and fight it eye to eye?

When you try so hard to be the best version of yourself, it brings you to a limbo, a limbo whereby you doubt if you’re capable of defending yourself or if you’re ready to take the fall as long as you throw some deep punches as well.

I grew frustrated in knowing that even at this day and age, technology still  got its limits and that involves not being able to be used the way you want it to, offensively.

To be honest, I am still boiling at the moment but someone important to me told me to let it go.

I told her, I will definitely try my best but I cannot promise. I’ll try.

I RARELY get angry, but when I do, everything never makes sense.

It’s not as if I wanted it to be like this but I can’t bring myself down to that level of calmness. Not yet. Not sooner.                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Especially if it is a repeat offender. My tolerance level can be extended for a long time.

I can be uber patient but sure, it’s got its limits and yes, I’ve reached that limit already.

I RARELY get angry but it lasts. I RARELY get angry but I take account.

Again, it’s not as if I designed it to be but I just can’t fake myself to be okay when clearly, I am lying to myself.

I RARELY get angry but this RARITY is what makes it more difficult.

Forgiveness is a long way…

him from yesterday

Today, I was tempted to check his profile on Facebook.

How can I check someone’s profile that I so undoubtedly blocked few years back?

“How is he?”, “What is he up to?”, “Where is he at the moment?”

Questions that I am curious about.

It’s been years since we last communicated. It’s been years since I detached myself from him completely.

I can still remember the day, I received a call from a friend telling me about him.

And as always, I tried so hard to sound disinterested while my chest was pounding so heavily.

There were so many stories about him but I seem to forgot everything the moment I heard about him having a girlfriend. The familiar pang of pain consumed me.

My young heart scattered into pieces and Every time I check his profile, I’d feel nervous. I feel like the pieces gets pounded into the minutest.. The more I see him, the more uneasy I become. I can’t live with that so I have made a huge decision that day, that is, to erase him out of my life completely.

With that decision comes the truth of finding my way back in, of practicing seven hundred times over how to react with a mere mention of his name in front of our friends, of getting interested to some other guys, of getting myself look cool even with a broken heart and best of all, of wishing him good luck on his LOVE life.

Days came by so quickly. I was fast to becoming “busier” every time he texts and “unavailable” every time he chats. I was bored at the thought of maintaining friendship with a bitter gut. I just couldn’t do it. Or more like, I grew depressed and hopeless of the supposed plot of OUR story. The “OUR” story that I am now convinced, I just fabricated by virtue of mere imagination and some hallucination.

Perhaps he grew tired of reaching out to me as well that I get messages from him less and less. Or maybe, he got busy with his new found love until we ended up with not communicating at all. I can see his feeds and one day I just hit block. I knew I could never undo so I just kept it like that.

Years have passed and I can still remember him. He may not be the tall and lanky guy with a boyish grin that I intensely adored and have now become manly and strong. But I am quite sure of how happy he is now as he embarked in his new journey through life.

We still aren’t friends in Facebook but I still hear about him from friends.

Perhaps time heals all wounds, I do not need to fake my reactions now. I am genuinely happy for what he has become. I do not cringe at the possibility of talking about him either but I have never spoken to him from eight years ago.

While I wanted to say “hello”  and ask him about what and how he’s been up to, I just couldn’t bring myself in to send him a message. So today, I’ll hold back. In another time, maybe I’ll have the courage. For the meantime, I hope he’s doing well, I hope his happiness will have no end and as for me,  I’ll always be his silent supporter.

Precious

“WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE?”

And I began to read the article I found in one forum.

Millennials asking themselves this question can be a bit of a burden.

I, for one asked myself this particular question every now and then.

The thing is, we can never be ready about certain aspects in our lives, no matter how we plan it.

Most of the biggest events in life is somewhat relative to pure chance, pure coincidence and the end result of the choices that we so randomly make.

When I was younger, I used to think I am smart—smart enough to know what I’m doing and what I’m gonna be doing after University.

I mocked people telling me about  the “REAL WORLD” as I used to hear it so frequently.

I hated the idea that there is a separation of the academic world and the real world.

To me, the world is the same, it requires hard work and integrity.

I just dreamed of a simple life, one that I religiously go to, from 8am to 5pm every day.

I just dreamed of a life where I am with my family in most days off work. I started that life right after college.

I had that path right after college graduation (or even before as I have been offered a job before I actually marched in March.)

I started loving my job and the people that comes along with it. I made friends, I had a wonderful time at work.

But along the way, I got veered to an idea of what I really wanted to achieve.

My thought was “IF and WHEN I stay, I would never have the courage to make changes later in life”

There’s this complacence. There’s this comfort, and it will never let you leave.

I have heard so many remarks from various people, it  all boils down to them calling me a “daredevil” (perhaps, just the polite version of calling me “stupid”)

Why, I have been employed by a big company, I have a regular job, my future is bright if I stick to it.

But Alas, I bid goodbye and just go with my gut. Bahala na.

Did I listen? No. Not because I don’t want to but because I fear I might agree with them.

.

And to me, that “bahala na” decision, is the greatest turning point in my life.

Here I am, five years after my grand Exodus at my first job, in my hometown.

I have lived my life for the past five years, away from my family, away from the comforts of home.

I have made and followed my own rules, pursued what I think was best.

‘I’m having a great time” is an understatement.

But Sometimes, when I think about how temporary life in the overseas is, I can’t help but think about the same question:

After this, what happens? What do I want to do in life?

If I be honest, it brings me to an inner turmoil, one that I so thoroughly avoid.

But avoidance can never get you anywhere, it just let you piles up heaps of unwanted thoughts, making it boil inside you like a plague of lava waiting to erupt. I’ve been there.

Thankfully, I’m better at things these days.

Somehow, I  have made peace with this idea in my mind.

It no longer poses threat of depression or anxiety. It’s just a plain question out of curiosity.

There are so many options to choose from.

It’s just that, our mind shortlists only what is popular, big or loud.

I have come into terms that having a concrete idea about what I want to do, is not for me.

I have learned that there are people who plan and people who don’t. and people who belong to the latter don’t necessarily mean they lacklustre.

People who leap usually don’t have a concrete course of action.

These are people who don’t want to be confined in a pre-determined action.

These are people who are flexible enough to ride the tide.

People who have the actual “balls” to call the shots.

And I belong to it.

I don’t want to set limits for myself.

No matter how temporary this is, I don’t want to see the end point because I always believed that as long as you’re alive, life keeps rolling like a film of endless scenes.

I want to be someone who tests her endurance, someone who goes as far as she can, someone who makes use of what she has to be somebody she’s ever dreamed of. She is Precious, after all. J X

dear heart

What’s worse than being alone is the fact that you can never be with someone.

Not that you don’t want to but because your heart just have a mind of its own.

The thing that scares me most is not being able to experience love in a romantic fashion.

While I always believed in “guard your heart”, I fear that I may never really learn how to “unguard” it.

It is wonderful to fall in love, to gaze at someone with so much joy and believe in him completely.

What’s not to love about falling in love? You lose yourself in harmony with another person.

A guy once told me, I am in love with falling in love instead of falling for the person.

And sadly, I didn’t know what he meant.

I never once defended myself because I know who I was.

I just admitted that if he never understood me in a way deeper than what he thought of me, then that’s it.

There’s nothing there.

I guarded my heart with so much caution.

I promised my heart not to be involved with someone when I don’t mean involving myself COMPLETELY.

I kept my side of the bargain, I STILL DO.

As I look back, all the while that I’ve been keeping tabs with what I want, the barrier became higher and higher until I can no longer see what’s outside. Yes, I guarded my heart with so thick a fortress, no one can climb it.

My heart, I fear that It may never experience what it needs to.

I fear that as time goes by, it may never completely maximize its full potential, its ability to share its fullness and its ability to explore possibilities.

Indeed, my heart is something that is so precious.

And I’m praying that someday it opens itself with no hesitation, fear of rejection or accounts of pain and retribution…

my horrible boss

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make:

“I have tendered my resignation. “

Excuse me as I grew silent and seemingly frozen in a corner of the office.

My mouth wanted to ask so many questions as it is so sudden and unexpected but my mind cannot process my thoughts neatly. I stayed shut.

She then said “ My last day would be 1 month from now.”

The room feel so stuffed all of the sudden. The air is dry and the music that has been playing since morning seemed to be mute. I did not hear anything aside from the word “resign”

I like this boss.

She backed me up a couple of times, listened to me in my faintest voice. Encouraged me, almost in days that I want to give up.

SHE is a FAVOURITE.

All I can remember is her being kind to me. When people spoke Chinese, she would always translate it for me so I can join conversations. Sometimes, I get so immersed with my duties that I forget that there are people around me, and she’d call my name perhaps telling me to “take it slow” as others are just having chitchats.

At times when I make mistakes, she’d consider my reason and even tells me that she’s got it. I don’t have to explain to bits ‘cause I know that she truly got it from there on. Reliable, I say.

When she goes overseas, she’ll message me and ask me if I want her to get anything for me. And usually, I’d say NO. Come Monday, I got a customized passport cover from Bangkok, an essence from Seoul or a tea from Taiwan.  When we go out for lunch, she makes sure to tell me if the food is spicy or not, as I do not eat spicy food.

I truly appreciate these kind gestures as they always compel me to pass it forward.

Knowing her made me crave to be kind, to be considerate and to set aside differences.

I am thankful for her for all those times. It made me feel, I belong, more than ever.

Now she is leaving.

And again, I feel sad, challenged even.

For where can I find a boss as cool and kind as her?

Time can only tell.

Thank you Sherlyn! J

what's not to love about NY?

What if I move in to New York?

And my mind goes overdrive. You see, when you’re someone unattached, you begin to consider random seemingly wild ideas.

“What’s there to lose anyway?” , says my right brain.

“What if?” , agrees the left.

While the two are in agreement, I wanted to check how it goes beyond my two eyes…

So I spent a day observing how the system works, how the people seep through the crowd and emerging later to subways. I spent my day, trying to connect the dots, mentally computing salaries in lieu to expenses. I hung out to places where most people have their usual coffee/cigarette/lunch breaks.

My initial observation made me conclude that Singapore and New York is so alike in so many ways. People always come and go, there’s always this rush and to be able to survive, you need to have the stamina and the energy to go through heights.

One thing that made me love New York is the freedom. The diversity is just too strong yet, there is harmony. I love that people are free to pursue what they like without prejudice or feeling guilty about it.

Honestly though, I was amused to have read various campaigns, from the ads in subway walls about HIV to a catchy 1-800-DIVORCE. In most communities, it is a very sensitive topic. In a more CONSERVATIVE setup, these ads are two-bladed. But seeing it there is like the most natural thing to advertise.

I was shocked to see women in nothing but body paints parading in times square. In the middle of the crowd. In a chilly weather. In encouraging smiles for you to have a pic with them. Just WOW. Who does that?

I love the parks. I feel wonderful just by sitting there and having the time of my life. I’d imagine, on a busy day at work and I need to get my mind off work, I’d go down and breathe in the air of greens. And I’d be ready to strike again.

I love the friendly people of New York. I am amused at random conversations from strangers asking me how I’m doing. 

I know it sounds cheesy but on a day that sucks, wouldn’t it be nice to vent out frustrations, as if you’re venting it out in instalment to various people for you to be emptied and left only with the good vibe? Sometimes, no matter how routinely it may sound, when you buy a latte, and someone asks you something, you begin to stop looking at your phone and be reminded how humans work by sending a smile or having a physical chitchat.

Finally, I love the VIBE. There’s something about New York that inspires you to be better. There’s something about it that makes you proud to be there. 

It’s so casual yet busy. It’s random and noisy and sometimes, intoxicating but you’d feel energized and young.

It seem true to most, and I’m officially in, I love New York.

If given a chance, why not NOT MOVE? :P

empire state of mind

I think I already figured it out.

All the while I was confused what it meant to have “empire state of mind”.

Was it just being in New York and feeling like a true-blue new Yorker? Was it the exhilarating of being on top? Or does it go beyond that?

Walking on the streets of New York, felt like walking on cloud nine. I know it sounds OA for some, but for me, every travel is a dream come true.

New York is a city with far too many colors--- The place, the culture and the people.

I’ve spent days just wandering around (and by wandering, I meant by feet).

I’ve been to random streets and realize that I am just few blocks from Serendipity. (I love that movie anyway)

I have been lost, to the point of desperately searching for a wifi hotspot so I can check MAPS. (and some MAPS take you further from your destination). I have alighted in a wrong station (nevermind, let’s do this).

I have learned that 1 Mile is 1.61 kilometres and not 10,000, by heart. (thanks Auntie for driving)

I originally planned on jogging around Central park (foolish me, it’s 778 acres!) so I gave up the thought and opted to ride a bike instead (which btw is more convenient but less…errr…pocket friendly). I didn’t have a penchant for burgers and fries but lo and behold, I forgot rules when I ordered Shackburger and Coffee fair shake from Shake Shack. I have eaten at least 3 Shackshack meals. (when in fact, I was thinking skipping fastfood and trying out local stuff, ain’t no local until it’shakeshack, so I learned.) I have been to Bryant Park and just loved how relaxing it is to be in a park surrounded by a busy metropolis (honestly, it’s heaven!). I loved people-watching as I bought grapes on my way to the Flatiron bldg. and ate it on a bench across it (in awe of the beauty that surrounds me)

I have rode the ferry to Staten island (it’s free!) and took a photo with Ms. Liberty. (remembered that one pic I saw on FB with liberty on swim suit, but no, she’s as decent as ever) I have watched a broadway for the first time (and not slept while watching! Achievement unlocked!). I have reached the Empire state building and in ordinary days, its light is white (but I felt like it was gold that time, ‘cause I was soooo there!)

Needless to say, I have made so many good memories that I’m sure I’ll treasure forever but one thing that stood out is the fact that I was there with my sister!

As always, I am humbled that someone like me is able to pursue her dreams. I am grateful that I was able to materialize a fantasy with a bonus of being with the closest people in my life.

Empire state of mind is a feeling that you are indispensable. It is the feeling that everything is possible--- that you make your own rules, do your own stuff and shine like you are born to. Dreams, no matter how far, is possible.

Look at mine!

retreat

Stress!

When you aim more control over most aspects in your life, it gives you this palpable feeling of being worn out.

Decisions… how hard can it be? Absolutely difficult.

At this point in time, I will be turning a year older, more pressured than ever to think about my future. Where to go? What to do? Who to be with? At 29, what do I want to achieve in life?

Call it birthday blues, but really, I feel like a balloon suspended in thin air.

Loneliness is creeping through me. Relationships… well, it's good while it lasts.

Friends--- they all come and go.

I feel like a luxurious ship with no direction, and quite frankly it's getting boring.

I crave zest. I crave energy. I crave fullness and inner strength that comes from within,

For the longest time, I've been building myself to be strong and independent but it gets tiring.

To remain standing despite the blows, to dodge a bullet by an inch, to continue fighting-- win or lose… it gets the better of me.

These thoughts adding to my urgent concern of moving out, planning for a scheduled long haul trip, leaving of a friend, growing apart from someone --- all at once, wears down my guards.

Should I just retreat myself?

Te Amo Self

Why do I write only when I am feeling something out of the ordinary?

Forgive me for adding noise to the already loud world.

Perhaps having your birthday in days’ time always provokes you into thinking some things about your life. Which by the way, I have been successful at evading until now.

Now that I am about to be shucks…29! *cough* I feel that I need to recreate in my life in such a way that it would be pleasing to my ears, to my heart and especially to my soul.

Believe it or not, I feel that some of my life goals are put on hold because I kept on waiting for it. I ALWAYS wait. I feel guilty to leave things behind so I tend to always come back to where it started. I’m talking in riddles, yes?

I am in Singapore yet my mind goes back to the Philippines. I miss everything about home except traffic, heat, exhaustion and slow government agencies. It’s like having my best foot two steps ahead of the other so I sometimes lose balance.

My sister asked me, “what’s your plan?” and again, my mind flashed RED. I am dreading this question because every time, I’d look stupid for trying to answer as confidently as possible.

“I don’t know.” I replied. There I said it and again, I know I sounded dumb.

Five years in retrospect, I had my life in black in white. A twinkle in my eyes appears as I look far ahead. “I will have this, have that, be this, and be that.”  And true to my words, some of the “I have this or that” has been achieved. The “I’m gonna be this or that” well, It’s safe to say that I’m still in transit. I am in the process, a series of elliptical appears.

Alongside the goals in life, is the personality that I am honing myself into. Tough times taught me to keep calm but it did not save me from feeling sorry for myself once in awhile.

While I try to remain strong in challenges, I also feel just exhausted to keep trying to win. I could’ve said “F*ck it, I’m going home” but where is home?

Home is the people that have your back, but more so, it is thy SELF.

Yes, home is what makes you rest, keep you in peace and it starts within you.

Home… is knowing that no storm or earthquake can ever break you. Home is keeping focused despite the noise around you. Home is feeling safe despite the threats that surround you. And to be able to achieve that, the calmness, security and solid foundation should be rooted within you.

I choose to refuse listening to people who only notice my flaws and what I completely lack. I choose to refuse being the subject and eventually the medium to negativity.

I choose to be steadfast. To know what I got and believe that I got it better.

At 29, I don’t want to pretend in anything I’m not. I owe it to myself to be honest to how I feel, what I think and what I believe and to take responsibility for it. I don’t want to give up what I think is right so I can fit in. I’m done with it. I’ve been very considerate to the point of self-destruction. I cannot hinder my growth by sabotaging my happiness.

I want to be someone who knows herself damn well.

I am extraordinarily driven to do the things necessary for growth.

Mind over Matter

Mind over matter.

I used to have this power strong in my brains. I can be very rational about things and keep firm despite the corroding emotions. I have strong mental capacity which keeps me cool on days when everyone is freaking out.

As I grew older, I am showing signs of weakness. I go from stable to highly emotional in no time. I’m guessing maybe because of hormones or because I have lived alone.  In being alone, your mind is sometimes filled with crazy stuff. And this stuff keeps on bugging you  until you lose sleep and appetite.

As time pass by, I have observed that I became obsessive. Like an addict dependent on substance to make her calm.

Or like a lion closely monitoring her prey.

I’d go sleepless over thinking about a predicament. I lose concentration over my routine because an idea flashes. I become distracted, unable to process further. I will be brought to a halt, which drives me even crazier.

When this happens, the series of unending thoughts begin. Rushing in like a bolt of lightning, then I become trapped. Trapped in thoughts of my solutions and ending up feeling harassed because no justice has ever been made that satisfies a victim.

These thoughts are hazardous to my existence. It poisons my mind from hatred and revenge to hopelessness.

How do you fight evil or injustice? With our system of law, nothing is really satisfying.

Take for example, the massacre in Maguindanao, was true justice achieved? Even now, there’s nothing really. Who did it? No one gets punished.

My mom always tells me, it is better to live a quiet life, a life of knowing that you did things right. And I have always believed her. When I got bullied in my grade school years, I kept quiet. I never intended to fight anyway because I don’t want a messy life. I just want to live in peace.

I want to stay that way. I have been through so much mess that I kept my side of the bargain, clean. Almost hatingly, quite martyr-ish.

Whenever I am confronted with issues, I try to dock in calmly.

But then again, It had stirred me emotionally. When people berate, beat and harass you in a way that you tell yourself to just let it go and just keep quiet… It accumulates inside. All the hate and pain and the things you want to lash out in defence just bubbles inside you… but you keep still, you know it’ll pass.

Perhaps, the reason why I have something about my heart.

But maybe, I also chose it this way. Keeping quiet and letting it all go. Moving forward…

I have a God. He never failed me.

I always keep that in mind. I chose to.

Mind over matter.

You are

I feel neglected.

The truth is, when your world revolve around the small circle, each piece is a major element.

When a piece, takes its turn to jump out your circle and explore different ones around, you’ll be left missing a part. What to do? Take a new one to complete the circle? Work on the ones left and make it even a smaller circle? Leap entirely out of the circle? I wonder.

At times, I think the best solution is to take a new one and forget the part that decided to leap out. But when that part becomes an important piece of you, you can’t just replace it. It’s valuable. Many others might have the same characteristics, composition, but you know, it’s never the same.

Perhaps, work on the ones that are left of you? Yes, it might be feasible. But to have an even smaller circle is a danger itself. When the other parts, decide to leap out as well, what have you got? A bruised ego? Irreparable damage of core? Lack of esteem? That can’t be.

Or maybe, to leap out of your circle entirely? To isolate? To learn how to stand on your own? To go back to the basics? To start from scratch? This?

I guess when you come into a point of your life that you need to re-evaluate your possessions and let go of some, you need to come into you senses of being strong as it is. No matter how rejected, neglected, frustrated, betrayed and distracted you feel, you just cling in to the hope that you will be okay. You were okay before it, why would you not be okay now?

It is imperative that you’ll be left alone at some point in one’s life. And the challenge is how to deal with it…

When you’re stripped off from the things that you thought, completes you... it’s destruction. It’s like you’ll never be whole again. (Especially when those things have been with you for quite some time.) It makes you feel incompetent, degraded and pretty much pretty f—ked up.

But believe me when I say that it’s just a stubborn tweak in your head telling you that it’s really the biggest of deal. Well, IT’S NOT. Although, it is challenging to balance out your personal feelings and the feelings of others who want to leap out from your circle. Personally, at first I thought it was my fault. I have this habit of taking responsibility of these decisions. But later, I realized, I can only control what my mind tells me and not the mind of the others.

Growing up entails responsibility of your actions. But of keeping in mind other people’s reaction, I’d say that’s not part of the curriculum. Thus,  I’m learning not to care. (learning--- progressing to NO CARE AT ALL)

I realized that for me to be happy is to let go of people who do not have care as much as I do. Yes, it might be a selfish idea but to care less about careless people is happiness in its secret recipe. I realized that I am not entitled to an exclusive right of keeping the person, vice versa. In as much as I want to be loyal and pretty much sentimental about these platonic relationships, I also have to make way for new ones. I also need to create a space to be filled in by other parts.

The key is not only keeping the circle small, but to widen it. But to be able to do that is not to confuse losing of one’s identity. It does not sum up to destructing one’s self like a sacrificial instrument to keep stronger circles. I realized that to be able to take responsibility of even a smaller circle is to take responsibility of the self first.

It is not your fault that people part ways. It is not your fault that relationships turn bland. It is not your fault that times are changing, so do people. So do You.

It is unfair to feel neglected and emptied just because people decide against your own. Let’s stop doing it amongst ourselves. Please.

Who cares if you’re starting again? Who cares if it sounds pretty pathetic to some? Care only of what makes you happy. At the end of the day, “You’re your longest commitment”.

oh my ghost

Oh my ghost!

I was religiously watching this series (yes, it’s Korean again) and surprisingly, it lifted me to a major level of thinking. The story revolves around a ghost who remembers most of her memories except for the day that she died. She then found out that she allegedly committed suicide. She loved life and she never really could have guessed why she took her own life.

Meanwhile, she made a bargain with a Suhbingso (like a ritual lady, who performs rituals for ghost’s ascension and who’s main business is to read the fortune of a person, more like a zodiac) that she’ll oblige to ascend once she’ll be able to perform her major grudge, correcting her being a Virgin.

The story develops of him finding a Man of Vitality for which she should do “it” with. To make the story short, she began to have feelings with the guy even though she knows that she shouldn’t. She then asks, “why did I not feel any of this when I was alive? Why was life too short for me?”

I was brought into a paradigm of waiting. I somehow thought about how I sometimes procrastinate or yes, about having delayed gratification in most cases.

I think life is too short especially when we are so busy making ends meet. We forget what we truly WANT because we NEED to do something. I see no wrong in that, but isn’t living goes beyond the realm of just paying the bills?

In love, I always thought about waiting for the perfect timing, right person, right circumstances, but really, am I side blinded by the fact that he might have passed me because I was busy looking for who I think is right? I feel like I am missing out so much on my dating life because I am stuck in the moment. And perhaps, stuck in my own fairytale. I should have dated more guys to know which type is best for me. What the hell am I doing?

In my friendships, I always feel that I am obliged to take care of the people around me. I feel obliged to prioritize them so that they won’t feel lonely. But at the end of the day, I am the one who does feel so. Perhaps, I invested too much time on them; I forgot how to be okay with being alone. What the hell am I doing?

In my career, am I keeping this whole façade of loyalty? I feel like I am being comfortable with not stepping up. Is this all I can do for myself? What the hell am I doing?

In my decisions, am I giving it my best shot? Am I really just going with the flow and being evasive of commitments? What the hell am I doing?

Life is too short.

As the ghost would say, “I wasted my time”…

Am I wasting mine too? Oh my life!

Yorker New!

Stop spreading the news, I’m leaving today… I wanna be a part of it…. 

NEW YORK, NEW YORK!!

That song reminded me of a very sad memory back when I was in High School. Too sad that it attempted to put a crack on my ONLY treasure… my family.

When I hear about the song, I can only think of that fateful night in our living room. That particular night when I felt for the first time, the unfathomable emptiness. I felt as though I was transported to a tunnel with unending turns, going down from level to level of darkness.

But even so, I couldn’t possibly dislike the song in its entirety. It moves me in a way that I feel wonderful about my possibilities. I feel thrilled like a kid receiving her new toy on Christmas day or an employee receiving her bonus for the first time.

Or Maybe, there’s just something about hearing New York that provokes you to drift your thoughts into something wonderful. The high-rise, the busy streets, the lights, the coffee on hand… believe me, I’ve had these imageries far too many times with cinematographic effects. I just couldn’t discount the fact that I will witness any of these when maybe, someday… I will be in New York.

My someday might be just in a corner, who knows.

And I certainly wish I won’t be disappointed. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll be jetting my way there soon.

Of making my dreams come true, I’m halfway there! J