prexypinoy to the world

As I’m writing this I am stationed in a balcony by the majestical cliffs of Uluwatu,  that boasts stunning views of one of surfing’s spiritual homes, and comes alive as the sun sinks into the Indian Ocean. I hummed into the faint music from good old radio while sipping in my watermelon pure juice. (I could’ve opted for a beer, anytime any day but chose not to since I am on my meds and no alcohols are allowed for me for now. ) The good thing about this place is you get to drown yourself in the amazing view and at the same time enjoy gastronomic delights without bleeding your pocket dry. It’s past lunch time and people are starting to come in, slowly the music was drowned by laughter and voices of people speaking with a twang. It makes you feel good, I almost just beamed with smile at random strangers. (Then I thought, Oh dear! Maybe I’ll look like a psycho.) The beauty that surrounds me is just too magnificent that the best lens to use to capture is still my set of...

What a month had been! Time flies so fast that the moment I tuck myself in for sleep, I woke up and it’s almost Christmas. While I try to control myself not to feel too excited about going home. Which by the way is a first in five years—for Christmas! I read a Facebook status days ago about being joyous this Christmas but at the same time being mindful of others who are not excited as we are in this Holiday Season. Then I thought to myself, “are there people who are not as excited?” I remembered, not everyone has the same situation. For some, they must’ve felt the loss, the disappointment, the depression and all hell breaks loose kind of stuff. For some, they simply are away from their family and must’ve felt the pang of pain or guilt by not being with them. I remembered my past Christmases and how last year’s Christmas almost brought me to celebrating solo. Imagine yourself walking along a crowded street, with people all cheers and friends all smiles. Family strol...

The thing is, the more you think about it, the deeper the cut becomes. I’m trying to handle my situation as coolly as possible but no rationality can shield me from the fact that this is not a nightmare and that, I’d wake up tomorrow remembering the hurt first thing in the morning. I am deeply affected that I find myself stopping in the middle of my random conversations with friends. I am way too distracted that I become bitter of what I see. Betrayal is one thing. Lack of remorse is another. My poor heart. I've never been too emotional about most aspects of my life as I do not want to live in drama. This is real and my emotions are just as real. I couldn't hide the fact that i am a total wreck and that no matter what i do, what i say, my mood just swings from good to worst in no time. I am not okay. If this is what bipolarity seems like then, i am feeling it nowadays. I'm trying so hard to control my rage. I want to take revenge, to avenge someone and to let som...

5:55 AM, Sunday, November 6, 2016 thank God it’s still a Sunday! The night has been so long and I’ve had no choice but to pretend I’m sleeping, closing my eyes, counting sheep endlessly, I’ve done it but reality is that my mind is far from it. Could this be the iced cappuccino decaf? Or could this be just me affected by the drama that has been going on my life for days now? I sighed to myself. No matter how many times I deny, at this age, I still can’t fake anxiety or depression. And worst, I thought I am better at handling things, turns out, I’m blinded and was just good at avoiding it. These days, I always find myself in long pauses, distant stares and zoning out. I feel that my body is there but my mind is off to somewhere. And believe me when I say that even feeling so down makes me crack up to a painful experience as if it’s a joke. Weird huh? I guess when you hit a point whereby you’ve no control over and just take no matter what life gives you, yo...

Loading successful… Anger is so intense an emotion that I so thoroughly avoid. One, it’s not good for my heart, two, it’s unhealthy for my skin and lastly, it’s a mouse trap. You get angry for what? I was brought up happy. I had good memories more than the bad. I am blessed. I keep a positive attitude towards life, I keep cool no matter what season I am in. But the more I age, the more challenges I am faced with. Challenges that keep me from maintaining my cool, challenges that provoke the dragon in me. I RARELY get angry. I don’t mind irregularities much or make an issue out of small ones. I let go. I let time decide. I go on with life. But don’t get me wrong, I never said I am a Saint. When I get angry, I tend to go all out. My mind is so powerful, I can conjure horrible ideas. It scares me. It surprises me in ways I never would have imagined. Recently, I got a run-in with a past issue that involves a turning point in my life. (I’m not going to be...

Today, I was tempted to check his profile on Facebook. How can I check someone’s profile that I so undoubtedly blocked few years back? “How is he?”, “What is he up to?”, “Where is he at the moment?” Questions that I am curious about. It’s been years since we last communicated. It’s been years since I detached myself from him completely. I can still remember the day, I received a call from a friend telling me about him. And as always, I tried so hard to sound disinterested while my chest was pounding so heavily. There were so many stories about him but I seem to forgot everything the moment I heard about him having a girlfriend. The familiar pang of pain consumed me. My young heart scattered into pieces and Every time I check his profile, I’d feel nervous. I feel like the pieces gets pounded into the minutest.. The more I see him, the more uneasy I become. I can’t live with that so I have made a huge decision that day, that is, to erase him out of my life comple...

“WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE?” And I began to read the article I found in one forum. Millennials asking themselves this question can be a bit of a burden. I, for one asked myself this particular question every now and then. The thing is, we can never be ready about certain aspects in our lives, no matter how we plan it. Most of the biggest events in life is somewhat relative to pure chance, pure coincidence and the end result of the choices that we so randomly make. When I was younger, I used to think I am smart—smart enough to know what I’m doing and what I’m gonna be doing after University. I mocked people telling me about  the “REAL WORLD” as I used to hear it so frequently. I hated the idea that there is a separation of the academic world and the real world. To me, the world is the same, it requires hard work and integrity. I just dreamed of a simple life, one that I religiously go to, from 8am to 5pm every day. I just dreamed of a life where I...

What’s worse than being alone is the fact that you can never be with someone. Not that you don’t want to but because your heart just have a mind of its own. The thing that scares me most is not being able to experience love in a romantic fashion. While I always believed in “guard your heart”, I fear that I may never really learn how to “unguard” it. It is wonderful to fall in love, to gaze at someone with so much joy and believe in him completely. What’s not to love about falling in love? You lose yourself in harmony with another person. A guy once told me, I am in love with falling in love instead of falling for the person. And sadly, I didn’t know what he meant. I never once defended myself because I know who I was. I just admitted that if he never understood me in a way deeper than what he thought of me, then that’s it. There’s nothing there. I guarded my heart with so much caution. I promised my heart not to be involved with someone when I don’...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: “I have tendered my resignation. “ Excuse me as I grew silent and seemingly frozen in a corner of the office. My mouth wanted to ask so many questions as it is so sudden and unexpected but my mind cannot process my thoughts neatly. I stayed shut. She then said “ My last day would be 1 month from now.” The room feel so stuffed all of the sudden. The air is dry and the music that has been playing since morning seemed to be mute. I did not hear anything aside from the word “resign” I like this boss. She backed me up a couple of times, listened to me in my faintest voice. Encouraged me, almost in days that I want to give up. SHE is a FAVOURITE. All I can remember is her being kind to me. When people spoke Chinese, she would always translate it for me so I can join conversations. Sometimes, I get so immersed with my duties that I forget that there are people around me, and she’d call my name perhaps telling...

What if I move in to New York? And my mind goes overdrive. You see, when you’re someone unattached, you begin to consider random seemingly wild ideas. “What’s there to lose anyway?” , says my right brain. “What if?” , agrees the left. While the two are in agreement,  I wanted to check how it goes beyond my two eyes… So I spent a day observing how the system works, how the people seep through the crowd and emerging later to subways. I spent my day, trying to connect the dots, mentally computing salaries in lieu to expenses. I hung  out to places where most people have their usual coffee/cigarette/lunch breaks. My initial observation made me conclude that Singapore and New York is so alike in so many ways. People always come and go, there’s always this rush and to be able to survive, you need to have the stamina and the energy to go through heights. One thing that made me love New York is the freedom. The diversity is just too strong yet, there is har...

I think I already figured it out. All the while I was confused what it meant to have “empire state of mind”. Was it just being in New York and feeling like a true-blue new Yorker? Was it the exhilarating of being on top? Or does it go beyond that? Walking on the streets of New York, felt like walking on cloud nine. I know it sounds OA for some, but for me, every travel is a dream come true. New York is a city with far too many colors--- The place, the culture and the people. I’ve spent days just wandering around (and by wandering, I meant by feet). I’ve been to random streets and realize that I am just few blocks from Serendipity. (I love that movie anyway) I have been lost, to the point of desperately searching for a wifi hotspot so I can check MAPS. (and some MAPS take you further from your destination). I have alighted in a wrong station (nevermind, let’s do this). I have learned that 1 Mile is 1.61 kilometres and not 10,000, by heart. (thanks Auntie for dri...

Stress! When you aim more control over most aspects in your life, it gives you this palpable feeling of being worn out. Decisions… how hard can it be? Absolutely difficult. At this point in time, I will be turning a year older, more pressured than ever to think about my future. Where to go? What to do? Who to be with? At 29, what do I want to achieve in life? Call it birthday blues, but really, I feel like a balloon suspended in thin air. Loneliness is creeping through me. Relationships… well, it's good while it lasts. Friends--- they all come and go. I feel like a luxurious ship with no direction, and quite frankly it's getting boring. I crave zest. I crave energy. I crave fullness and inner strength that comes from within, For the longest time, I've been building myself to be strong and independent but it gets tiring. To remain standing despite the blows, to dodge a bullet by an inch, to continue fighting-- win or lose… it gets the bette...

Why do I write only when I am feeling something out of the ordinary? Forgive me for adding noise to the already loud world. Perhaps having your birthday in days’ time always provokes you into thinking some things about your life. Which by the way, I have been successful at evading until now. Now that I am about to be shucks…29! * cough * I feel that I need to recreate in my life in such a way that it would be pleasing to my ears, to my heart and especially to my soul. Believe it or not, I feel that some of my life goals are put on hold because I kept on waiting for it. I ALWAYS wait. I feel guilty to leave things behind so I tend to always come back to where it started. I’m talking in riddles, yes? I am in Singapore yet my mind goes back to the Philippines . I miss everything about home except traffic, heat, exhaustion and slow government agencies. It’s like having my best foot two steps ahead of the other so I sometimes lose balance. My sister asked me, “what...

Mind over matter. I used to have this power strong in my brains. I can be very rational about things and keep firm despite the corroding emotions. I have strong mental capacity which keeps me cool on days when everyone is freaking out. As I grew older, I am showing signs of weakness. I go from stable to highly emotional in no time. I’m guessing maybe because of hormones or because I have lived alone.  In being alone, your mind is sometimes filled with crazy stuff. And this stuff keeps on bugging you  until you lose sleep and appetite. As time pass by, I have observed that I became obsessive. Like an addict dependent on substance to make her calm. Or like a lion closely monitoring her prey. I’d go sleepless over thinking about a predicament. I lose concentration over my routine because an idea flashes. I become distracted, unable to process further. I will be brought to a halt, which drives me even crazier. When this happens, the series of unending though...

I feel neglected. The truth is, when your world revolve around the small circle, each piece is a major element. When a piece, takes its turn to jump out your circle and explore different ones around, you’ll be left missing a part. What to do? Take a new one to complete the circle? Work on the ones left and make it even a smaller circle? Leap entirely out of the circle? I wonder. At times, I think the best solution is to take a new one and forget the part that decided to leap out. But when that part becomes an important piece of you, you can’t just replace it. It’s valuable. Many others might have the same characteristics, composition, but you know, it’s never the same. Perhaps, work on the ones that are left of you? Yes, it might be feasible. But to have an even smaller circle is a danger itself. When the other parts, decide to leap out as well, what have you got? A bruised ego? Irreparable damage of core? Lack of esteem? That can’t be. Or maybe, to leap out of your ...

Oh my ghost! I was religiously watching this series (yes, it’s Korean again) and surprisingly, it lifted me to a major level of thinking. The story revolves around a ghost who remembers most of her memories except for the day that she died. She then found out that she allegedly committed suicide. She loved life and she never really could have guessed why she took her own life. Meanwhile, she made a bargain with a Suhbingso (like a ritual lady, who performs rituals for ghost’s ascension and who’s main business is to read the fortune of a person, more like a zodiac) that she’ll oblige to ascend once she’ll be able to perform her major grudge, correcting her being a Virgin. The story develops of him finding a Man of Vitality for which she should do “it” with. To make the story short, she began to have feelings with the guy even though she knows that she shouldn’t. She then asks, “why did I not feel any of this when I was alive? Why was life too short for me?” I was broug...

Stop spreading the news, I’m leaving today… I wanna be a part of it….  NEW YORK , NEW YORK !! That song reminded me of a very sad memory back when I was in High School. Too sad that it attempted to put a crack on my ONLY treasure… my family. When I hear about the song, I can only think of that fateful night in our living room. That particular night when I felt for the first time, the unfathomable emptiness. I felt as though I was transported to a tunnel with unending turns, going down from level to level of darkness. But even so, I couldn’t possibly dislike the song in its entirety. It moves me in a way that I feel wonderful about my possibilities. I feel thrilled like a kid receiving her new toy on Christmas day or an employee receiving her bonus for the first time. Or Maybe, there’s just something about hearing New York that provokes you to drift your thoughts into something wonderful. The high-rise, the busy streets, the lights, the coffee on hand… believe me...