wish

As much as I miss home and going home seems to be a very tempting and fulfilling idea… I cannot.

For some reasons, I find it very SOON. Very bitin. Besides, nafeel ko na I should grab this chance to know myself better. Ambilis ng panahon, I will soon be MIA at home for six months, that’s half a year, 182 and a half days. Parang sobrang radical at life changing ng mga nangyari sa life ko.

To be honest, never kong naimagine na ganito pala kabigat yung decision na ginawa ko. Along with my career change is my change of address and everything followed, my lifestyle, my routine. Lahat. Even myself, I feel na na change ako.



Kung dati parang passive lang, now I feel I am more expressive. I feel na mas naopen ako to reality. If there is something I wish for myself, yun yung ultimate confidence sana. Yung I can be more of myself, I can express my feelings, I get to be connected to other people and less insecurities. To care less about other people’s opinion and thoughts. Masyado lang sensitive to the point of always considering them before myself. Mejo sablay ako sa aspect na yan ng life ko.






I wish na mas maging true ako sa sarili ko. Kung ano yung gusto kong sabihin, sana di ko isinusuppress. Most of the time, I just keep quiet kahit nagagalit ako. I feel I am condoning bad deeds just by being silent. Siguro kasi, I don’t want trouble. I always run away from it, okay naman yung ganun but as much as possible, stand for what you believe as right. If masama yung loob ko, I always keep it to myself kasi naiisip ko, di na importanteng malaman nung recipient na nagagalit ako sa kanya ‘cause it will just pass.



Which is mali diba? Mali kasi naiipon. Mali kasi ako ang palaging lugi. Mali kasi di magtatanda yung nakasakit ng damdamin ko. Mali kasi feeling nya okay lang sa akin yun. Mali kasi nagkaroon na ako ng sakit sa puso ng dahil sa mga sama ng loob na kinikeep ko lang.

For one thing, I don’t hold grudges. But once you do me wrong, I will not forget it. Mahirap makalimot. Di ko nakakalimutan. Like nung grade five ako, I always have this shirt na like na like ko, favourite ko kasi si Big Bird ng Sesame street. Nung time na yun, may activity kami sa school and we were about to enter the audio-visual room. Then may nakasabay ako, schoolmate kong lalake, He made a remark, “balik balik imung tshirt”. Wow men! Napahiya ako. I kept silent and bow my head, immediately went inside the room while He was laughing.

That schoolmate, di ko nalimutan. We went to the same High School. Weird talaga, everytime nakikita ko sya, yung Tshirt incident ko yung nareremember ko. I wished I fought back. I wished I told him na yung tshirt nyang printed with GI BOY na may lalakeng nakakacap printed sa likod was also pabalik balik. Wala eh. Di ko na nasabi. I was speechless. Napahiya ako. But then again, I kept silent. I did not give him a good fight. Kasi, duwag? Or Ayaw ko ng gulo? Di ko alam. But masakit sa akin yun.

Parang lahat ng away na kinasangkutan ko, ako yung talo. Kasi nga di naman ako nang aaway, I’ll just bow down and run away from it. Sabin g fighter sissy ko, Mali daw yun. Mali na always nalang akong magconsider muna sa kanila, kasi naman, when I go home tearful, sinasabi kong, masakit ang ipin ko.

Then hanggang sa mapaamin akong inaway nga ako, ang alibi ko naman, baka kasi may problema lang or bad mood kaya ako yung nabuhusan. But my sissy will always react. Mali yun. I should fight daw. I just don’t. Sana nga matuto akong magsalita din pag inaapi. Pag ako kasi ang involved, I keep silent. Pag family ko, yun na, doon na yung walong dragon ni Recca lumalabas.

Minsan, I became difficult. Very memorable yun kasi first time, I lashed out vocally. But more so kasi I was pushed to the limit. Imagine, that was my turn to have my graduation picture taken, then there’s this group of friends who wants to make singit. Kasi 3 of them qued first, ipasabay nalang daw yung iba. My sister was fuming mad and told me na nauubos na patience nya. Unfair daw. Sabi ko naman, sige nalang. We’ll just wait for my turn. But when I learned na 11 ang isisingit kasi nag group picture sila before me. I felt na nagging dragon ako literally. I didn’t know where my English remarks came from. My sissy just found me standing in the counter and lashed out the personnel. Shocked yung sissy ko but I was more surprised I had the ability.




Masama yung nagawa ko, I felt sorry after. Kasi I feel for the personnel. I worked for the service industry and ayaw na ayaw ko yung reklamo ng mga clients. I always feel dumb and incompetent if I am being lashed out. But then again, my limit din kasi ang pananahimik. Clap clap. Sabi ng sister ko, first time!

Kasi as much as possible, I don’t really want to be involved. I don’t want telling people on what they should do or if they make mistake, be mad to them vocally. I feel kasi na when you make mistake, you do know you made one. Di sa tinotolerate ko yung bad act, but I believe you will feel remorseful after so there’s no need for me to remind you na mali yun. Nakaka add ng insult to injury. Why? Kasi ganun ako. I do not want people reminding me sa mga mistakes ko. Why focus on the bad when you can appreciate naman good things? Sabi pa nga, Make millions of good and one bad, the good will be forgotten at nafofocus sa bad. Kaya as much as possible I try to focus on the good.


But kahit ano pa man, I really wish na mas makastand up ako for myself and for my feelings. Sana by staying here, I get to develop that trait. Sana.