leap

Read again.

You told me to exactly do that but I told you I cannot.

Sometimes, the more you go over it again, the more words become too define to stab your heart. I refused to reread all that we’ve talked about. It hurts to read such promising words and end up in a completely opposite direction.

There’s no single day that I can’t think of you. Sometimes I feel all these hurt and pain are just figments of my imagination that it was not real and I am not experiencing what I feel as of the moment. In denial, they say. It’s so hard to move on from here. I’m like a worm trying to crawl out to a hole about a kilometre far.

Frankly, we talked and I felt happy. Somehow, my burdens are taken out from me. I have so much to say but I kept it for so long because I don’t want to sound desperate. Why would I push myself in? But since you asked for it, it’s a good feeling to tell you those things. It’s like coming out from my shell. A growth in my kind of person and I thank you for that.

Time heals all wounds, cliché. But if I can wish a thing right now, that is exactly what I want. To be healed and see love in a different, positive light. To be honest, I am drawn to think that my destiny is to fall for a guy who can’t and won’t be mine. It alarms me.

My good friend told me “You know what the problem with you is, you take things seriously. You’re too stiff, loosen up a bit”

I guess she’s right. All this time, I think I always think of something too much.

It’s tiring to think of the could’ve beens so I’ll rest my case. Maybe it’s time not to take a grip of something too much rather, I’ll learn to let go and take many more leaps of faith, with open or closed eyes!  

ninja

Ayoko ng ganito.

Ayokong para akong kept woman na nakikipagsabayan. Ayokong para akong isa sa mga sapatos na kayang ilagay on the side while you are busy trying out the new ones.

Ang daming mga bagay bagay na gumugulo saking isipan. If you talk to someone you liked from the past, are you an accomplice to his cheating? Of course I don’t mean talk in a friendly way but talk about his feelings, his plans and even his want to be with you… and he’s committed (may gf na)!

Sa totoo lang, ayoko talagang mainvolve. I talked to him because I want to have closure. The kind of peace that would lull me to sleep and not the kind of anger that makes me uneasy and alive during most nights. Ang sagwang pakinggan yung closure kasi never naman naging in a relationship but ganyan pala talaga. Somehow, may mga thoughts at words kang left unsaid nung mga times na pwede mo sanang sabihin. And now that things have changed mahirap ng ilabas sa bibig ‘cause it might stir a lot of emotions especially now that he’s in a relationship with somebody else.

I feel so weird sometimes kasi parang ang gaan ng feeling, it’s like I’ve accepted na the fact that we aren’t meant to be together but minsan I get so sad to think about how it failed. I decided not to communicate kasi nga ayokong maging third wheel. Di ko deserve.

But you manage to encourage me to say what I really feel. You managed to let me open up a bit from myself. I’m not usually chatty with my deepest emotions. I’m just comfortable with keeping it myself and not giving any trace of pain that I’m going through to anyone. But since I’m a bit older, might as well, try to spill some of the beans.

Yes, I got hurt because I thought I reserved myself to someone who’ll wait for me. And for the first time in so many years, I liked someone who likes me back. I hold it in my heart to find comfort in your words. The moment I come home, I know I have someone who’ll be with me. I imagined, I made plans with you. I think of you every single day and longed to be with you soon. But all went black. You are with somebody else now. How am I supposed to feel? To react?

And you asked why only now that I got to say those things to you? Pride you say? I say… you’re an idiot. How stupid can you be not to get my signs? Or baka excuse mo lang to so you can blame me?

I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to cry a hundred times for spilled milk that wasn’t even mine. I can’t keep up with all the flirting (if yun lang purpose mo). I can’t compete to being popular with so many of the opposite sex. I am a lousy subject. And worst, don’t think as if you can bag me side by side with your gf. It won’t happen.

If truth be told, I think I’ve got more class and finesse just to be an option. Di bagay. I always tell myself that I am better off with someone more easygoing, yung di kagaya ng weirdness ko. I don’t think I need someone whose words aren’t kept. At di sa nagbubuhat ng bangko, but I’ve got more value.

Ayoko ng ganito. Please stop making false pretenses and let me live like I used to. I’m sane enough to accept things and leave it as it is. Kahit nasasaktan, I know it’ll all pass. And by the way, NINJA is my last name!

temptation

Temptation.

This word does not cover all the opportunities for shopping and the must-have things I’m dying to buy. This is not about the trips here and there that I’m waiting to have my tickets paid for and surely, this is not about the sumptuous meals I can’t wait to have my teeth on. This will cover lost and recurring letseng pag-ibig.

I have a good friend who told me “I know he’s got a gf but I love him and I want to be with him” and I vehemently replied “there’s no way I’m hearing stuffs like that from you. You, of all people?” I was shaken and did a recall on what we were on our younger days. Gosh I just can’t believe my good friend is willing to be an option rather than a primary reason.

For how can a girl of good values, clean record and coming from a decent, well off family would ever think of just being put in the side while the guy enjoys having his main course? I couldn’t process it. I was disappointed and frustrated. I know her; she’s one of the best girls I ever have.

We cannot predict what happens in the future. We may never say never ‘cause most often than not, the test is just too strong to resist and before we know it, we are doing what we thought would be absurd and a nuisance. Recently, I had a major turbulence.

The moment I learned the fact, I vowed not to talk to him again. To be honest, it hurts me to think that it ended before it even began. To wait for something for so long and end up with nothing. Ouch. That moment, I felt like a paper shattered by water. It seeps in, I still feel complete but the moment I got the idea of it all, I am slowly turning into pieces.

Anyway, it still hurts me to think about it and I cannot dare to share a bit more details. But recently, there has been a twist of events. We talked. Somehow, it made me feel relieved. It’s like a piece of me is brought out from my shell. I cannot change anything about it but I sure can let him know how I felt.

I mean, dati naisip ko it’s better to keep mum about things. I better drown myself with my sorrow ‘cause I know that’s the best thing for me to do. Wala nang magagawa pa whatever I say. But he said it was important that I say something about it. We argued and I admit I’m mistaken. Once and for all, I just want to say things I ought to bury. I know it’s too late but at least for once, I’m exploring myself to be calmer and mature as I ever was.

It shocked me to know about his side. Honestly I don’t know if there’s some truth about him telling me how he really wanted me so bad. If he liked me hard enough, he won’t even get himself a gf right?

Anyway, I’m not the type who wants to be with someone committed. What goes around, comes back around. I don’t want to be involved. I don’t think kaya kong makipagsabayan. It’s just not right. Once I told my other friend “mahirap gawin ang tama, but I need to make things right even though it hurts me”

Temptation.

I’m not being righteous. I’m not a saint at lalong lalo na, I don’t have the patience to endure agonizing relationships-to-be. I may talk to him but that doesn’t mean I will be open to possibilities. Alam mo yung kahit pa gustung gusto mong makasama sya, it’s just not right to follow your will. I want to be happy, the kind of happiness that doesn’t cheat someone or step somebody up just so I can achieve fulfilment. I know I will never be happy with that kind of scenario hanging around my shoulders. I just want to have the right kind of relationship, clean, fun and easy.

ei

“Ei”

To my surprise, you messaged me. My mind wandered to the Alps and back whether to reply or not. The right and left brain grew in tangles. But alas I decided to reply. It’s not as though di kita matiis, it’s more of pagbabago ko ng style.

You see, I have been hurt before, maybe the same intensity as this or more and I applied my known equation. That is, to keep mum about everything even my closest of friends didn’t hear a thing from me. I almost dramatically cut all the lines of connections. From almost every night of texting and chatting, as abrupt as I was with changing my undies, I stopped communicating. That was me. That was me years back.

How unfortunate (or fortunate) of me to experience this again and I vowed to use another equation. They said people have different ways in coping up with situations. I’ve tried the previous one and it never helped me ease instantaneously (of course it will never be like that) but at least I was hoping it’s something that passes by until it completely vanished.

Here I am again, running in circles. As much as I would like to be cool with it, I just cannot. I’m afraid I’m drawing towards bitterness and it scares me.

Technically, it should never be put in this shade of light. It’s illogical to really feel mad about someone just because he stopped wooing you when he said he won’t. It’s just sad to expect things from a person whom you thought would stand by his words. It’s as though I was played at. I was hoping and yet, I hoped and it went to the drain. Again.

At this point in time, I really find it weird. My self is as messed up as a thread in with loose ends. I seem to have this habit of justifying things and it calms me but when I think about it again, I get furious uncontrollably.

My head would tell me, this is nothing but an equation. Something to be solved within the depths of activities that would make me busy. It dictates the positivity of the actions and that there will be someone better that comes along. Some days, it drives me to think that there is something wrong with me, twice in a row. How can it not be?

My heart, is another story. It beats. It beats as fast as it can. Sometimes, I get afraid the beating would stress out the veins. My heart is a soldier of love. You hurt her, it understands in selflessness. She’s a hero, a wounded soldier, a giver, and in times, I think she is a martyr.

Then I managed, “Hi, hope you’re happy. Good luck and good life” See? How absurd is it to wish someone, luck in his new love when your heart is screaming “No!” at the top of her voice? But then, happiness is something you’d wish to someone, whether or not, he means or not to you.

Sure, I can use someone to fill in the gap. To show him that I can have another him in an instant too and to make him feel as though he never really meant something to me. But what would that make me? Nothing. Just a bitch who’s acting like one. I will never be a user. I will never hurt someone’s feeling just so I can regain power over someone.

So ei, no matter how I wish to talk to you, it’s just so pointless at this point in time. I’m a raging bridge and I would never give someone a piece of my mind in this state of disastrous me.

guilty

I feel so guilty.

I have been flooding twitter and my friends think that they might check on me. They're curious on what happened to me.

This is one of the disadvantages of blurting out problems in public. One of the many reasons why I love to blog is because I can be too personal without friends knowing. Yes, public can see it but mostly chances are upon strangers browsing others blogs and had me next when they press that tiny button in the upper left side of this blogging site.

I just wouldn't want to be verbal about it. I have my own therapy, writing. I prefer to write than to speak, for speaking can make me change my expression and tone of my voice. I hate when people around me feel pity over me. 

We go through processes. We go through certain phases in this life and I want to go through it the peaceful possible way. I don't need to talk. I don't need to speak. I don't need to see the expression of their faces. I don't want charity. I don't want sympathy, for once, I just want to be me without too much editing.

I don't mean to make friends intrigued about my situation. That's a far cry from what I wanted to do. I just wanted to vent out, to let it all out, to release feelings that burden me at this point in time. I don't need people prying over my affairs. I don't need even the closest of friends to feel as though I need help. Sometimes, someone who listens is the one most helpful. No words, actions or deeds needed, just a simple ears to be lent to.

I feel as though I am guilty that I have to be private about it. I just don't like talking about it face to face and telling everything from the start, it relives what is supposed to be forgotten. I owe it to myself to go through it in harmony with the rhythm of my heart, after all this is my life, my feelings and my heart that is broken.

And when I'm over it, I'll be glad to share it to my friends, as an experience to be laughed upon over a cup of coffee with some yummy chocolate cake.

endpoint

Investments…

It is wise to choose where to invest. It is wise to keep your interests in line. Business books teach us that and it’s simple logic. For the best profit in less costs possible.

But what if we’re talking about investments in subjective forms? How do we gauge ourselves if this is enough or not?

So my dilemma is on. Again. Paulit ulit. History repeats itself. There’s no point denying, I am hurting. Again. I might feel numb and give up. I’ll put on my gear and make myself invisible again. This is nakakapagod, I tell you.

This time, I consulted my friends (for the first time). I mean, I don’t usually share matters of the heart; it’s mostly quintessential to keep it to myself. Close my doors, put on my plugs, and drown with bitterness, all by myself. It’s like that. Always have been.

I told my good friend “should I quit? Close all access?” and she answered, “will it make you feel better?” I said, “yes, I guess. I’ve done this a couple of times.” And she said, “for me, it’s delaying the inevitable. There’s no need to block or cut the access, learn to fight it, face to face. Truth hurts but it hurts more if you prolong the process.”

Hmnnn.. logical enough, but saying it and doing it is not the same. Have you ever tried, avoiding someone so bad and still, you end up bumping into him? It’s that nerve-wracking, heart-drenching, breath-taking feeling of surprise with a whole band of mice in your heart the moment you look up and see his face.

I always believed that in order to be happy, we should let go of the things that make us sad. The thought of seeing him happy with someone else makes me sad. The pictures, the exchanging of comments or even the slightest tease from their common friends makes me deliberately sadder than sad.

The reason why I have to cut the access is because I want to do myself a favour, not to be coward (or so to speak) but to please myself to see only the things that make me bright and sunny as ever. Just by being abroad with few friends is enough reason to be lonely, thinking about your special someone who drifts away makes you the loneliest.

I want to gain my peace of mind by giving up persons who do not harness my growth but deter it. I want to be in harmony with whatever I have as of the moment. I want to live life free from worries and stress of a relationship (or lack thereof). I want to be me. The right woman for every man to be proud of.

I can say that this whole new experience is pretty much expected. It seems as though, all the roads lead to one thing, the nothingness. I’d like to believe that after all that has been said and done, I get to see light and have selective memory loss of what has been and what could have been.

I am speaking myself in a viewpoint of a woman shattered and broken-hearted. I do not wish to hope less about my future love. I’m just giving myself a break. I realized, I am not ready. I will never be ready for someone who does not keep his promises. We’re older, we know better. I hope there’s still hope for the flowers.

same side

Damn!

Here I am again in the same side of things, the losing end. I am writing to clear off my mind as whatever I do, I can still think of you.

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess I have to go through it all again for me to learn how to be numb. I guess the pain doubled. I guess I have to learn not to trust enough. No matter how I protected myself, it’s still the same pattern, I’m hurt and no one’s gonna fix this mess but myself.

I should’ve listened. From the very start, I know there’s no point to it. I laid down the cards and I predicted how it will end. I am right, it ends like this. How can I not know? I am the chosen one, the loser, the bitter; the one who takes all the pain and only God knows how much I can take. Stubborn as I was, I want to challenge the circumstances, I still gave in, I still continued so now, I have no one to blame but my overly adventurous self.

You won’t see me cry. You won’t see me sad. I should not show it. I will be in the upper east, maintaining my sunshine. There’s nobody who can break me.

Now, I just have to concentrate on my routine. I will not pretend but I will not disclose. Life goes on. There are just so many you and only one me. I won’t let my hopes down just because of you.

volatility

For how many posts would I make to emphasize a point of life’s volatility?

You have lived life being the best of who you can be. You marveled at new experiences and braved dark times. You have lived to conquer your fears and to make the most out of life. You yearn to survive. It’s always a vicious cycle of survival.

You loved and lost. You loved and forgot. You loved and taken for granted. You have someone you like, liked for long or liked for the time being. You have said I love you yesterday but not yet today.

And yet just like every other creature, it is predetermined that the flame will be slowly draining.

Mortality. You can never predict. You sleep tonight and never know if you ever wake up tomorrow. One foot on the ground and the other one floating. You will never know when the time is. Your time.

Life is short. Cliche. You live each day to fulfill basic needs, do your duty, follow your routine. It’s as though, you only live to pay the bills. You have to earn a living. You follow a pattern.

And when your time has come, and doctors pronounce you terminal or in stage 4, you begin to ponder, have you lived a life of meaning? Have you live as how you want your life to be?

fallen angel

I see you. Don't look behind or sideways, I am talking to you!

Yes, you!

For how many times have you tried not to show it? For how long have you kept your face? For why do you love the dark?

You won’t believe it, but I know you. I saw you. I dreamt of you. I had the most vivid flashbacks I could ever have of you. So here’s what I think you are…

When you think you can bear it all, you are ready to go through the odds. It’s painful but you chose to keep it to yourself and pretend it’s always sunny in your side of the world. People would think you never had any experience of any pain ordinary lovers go through but what they don’t know is that, you smile the fakest smile to hide the pain and broken wings.

You put on your greatest weapon, a façade of happiness. You thought everything will be better. You live each day hoping for a better tomorrow, that somehow, someday, things may change and you will be put in the pedestal. It’s like being a struggling actor, you do your part, you take on small roles, pretend to love the lousy acting of your co-actors but deep inside, you want someone to notice you as much as they notice the big ones. You continue to hope that one day someone will see you and give you a break to star in something more challenging, bigger and in most coveted role.

People tell you, you know nothing. For how can someone who is as inexperienced as you are know how it feels like to be hurt like you’ve never been hurt all your life? Silly ones. Who are they to judge you like they know you since you’re born? You smile at the thought. They shouldn’t know. You grin and they continued to believe.

So today you’re here. Unmoved by circumstances. You’re here with your funniest jokes, happiest face and infectious smile. You’re here as though you are as complete as A-Z. You’re here as though your soul has never withered. You’re here hiding your dirtied wings. You’re here pretending. You’re here.

girls of summer

An almost impossible journey that made it the most memorable.

Friends are never easy to find. You talk to some but only those you feel comfortable with are the ones you have the privilege to share part and parcel of your life.

I wouldn't have survived this new path that I took in if not for the good friends that made this whole adventure a lot bearable.

two guys

And so it seems I am talking about one guy all through out my posts.

To debug that myth:

I am getting over someone I know who I thought I have a deep attachment with. My friend asked me, "so you're saying you are over him... and you're saying you're not in anyway affected and interested in what he does... and you're saying you ain't hurting?" And I answered, Yes, No, No.

 It's not easy to go through your memories and feeling like you've never really had the chance. Yes I am getting over him but it's a process. To be honest, I am so pissed with myself. Why am I holding on to something that never really existed? Fictional. And it's as though, it is where my world revolves. I am getting tired. Please let me go.

Yes, I am affected and No, I am not interested. I am not in anyway interested to be involved. I don't think I am worth as the third wheel. Never an option. Never WILL happen. Not my kind.

Yes I am hurting but it's so long I almost forgot how to be hurt. so No, not considering pain for the moment. Although, I seriously think I am still confused.

No, I am talking about my two different guys. One past and one present (and most likely the future, I hope)

rest in peace

I saw her in the airport and I was taken aback.

She looked friendly and tried to strike a conversation but I acted weird, I was distanced. I was sorry but I just can’t help myself from feeling this way, she told me.

And I said, “Well, you aren’t known to have so much pride. You’re fresh and cool about everything unlike me who takes insult like a wound poured with a salt. We’re different.”

She said: “that’s why I don’t know why I reacted that way. It’s awkward; I just don’t want to talk.”

Then I told her “maybe it’s time to leave things behind. Maybe it’s time to let it all go.”

I get where you’re coming from.  There are people looking pretty with all smiles at your front but stabs you with a million daggers at your back.

I don’t get them. Seriously, I don’t really mind people hating me for things I cannot change or are hard to change. I don’t expect everyone to be pleased with me. Personally, I’d rather have someone who doesn't talk to me instead of having someone who enthusiastically talks but feels forced to do so. What’s the point anyway?

It started during the era of Friendster, my sis and I have this consistent hater who sends us messages of how assuming and bragging we are of ourselves and our family. That we are nothing but mere dusts. The hater seems to know about us, our education, our age, household names, everything except our personalities. The real us.

Funny that instead of taking offense I felt sorry for her (yes, she’s a girl… I am sure!) I feel sorry for her anger, for her grievances and perhaps her misfortunes. I feel sorry because the only way to relieve herself from her pains was to attack us in the most personal way. I feel sorry that she’s driven by what she only sees on the outside. I feel sorry that she commits sins just by making us feel bad ourselves. I feel sorry that despite her efforts, we aren't affected. I feel sorry that she feels jealous and haven’t seen the good thing about herself.

My sister and I may have looked so tough but it pains us to see someone losing control just to irk us. If there’s anything, I don’t think we’re worthy of the time and effort really. I just feel we’re a dot in this huge, extra huge world and there’s so many things to put your time and energy into rather than attacking us. I felt that it was not the bravest thing to do. I felt that she’s just putting herself in jeopardy by minding us than minding enrichment for herself.

We have people in mind. We have suspects even the nearest of kin. We've heard enough. You've talked enough. My wish for you, may you find the joy in your heart to appreciate what you have. May you find and realize how lovely you are and how lovely the world is if you only see things in a different perspective.

Finally, may you rest in peace! Much love and Happiness! J

fantasyland

You are my frustration!

He said, and I replied “same here”. Bakit nga ba ganun, gusto mo sya, gusto ka nya but a lot of factors are pulling you off to be together.

Rules. Isa na yan. Why do we make such rules to guide us to be happy and yet we feel miserable? Why do we set out certain posts on where to found a relationship but these posts are just keeping us from building something out from nothing?

Distance. They say distance makes the heart grows fonder. But in most cases, it’s always a one-sided thing. The girl is usually the one who gets into it more than the guy. It’s unfair to think that while girls who are in the overseas are busy with their respective careers and daily hectic routines, at the end of the day, it is the thought of the guy that they like that appeases them in their loneliness.

Communication. Why do we avoid conversations about ourselves? Why do we not talk as often as want our hearts to be intertwined? Why is a word too hard to utter. The weirdest thing is, you always tell me you like me and yet you ain’t making any move. Dumb, aren’t we?

Friends. Alright, I get it. You are popular with the gang as much as I am with my girlfriends. Tell you what, I’ve been told to really shut off my system for you. They said you aren’t worth it. They said you were as hazy as a murky contaminated water. I guess I shall surrender. This is going nowhere.

And lastly,

Standards. How can you tell me I’ve got big standards to fill? Why do you tell me I’m living in fantasy because I look for the ideal, that who I always like are those that are too good to be true.

Here’s the deal… You’re lousy and boring. You’re too plain, too weird and too self-consuming. You’re too overbearing, demanding and unusually explicit. I hate you in most times but I like you just the same. Damn you! Now tell me, am I living in fantasy?

over you

Done!

So after a year and so of not talking, you messaged me and asked me how I was. Quite frankly, I was surprised. I was surprised that after all these years, you still remember me.

It would be a lie to deny that somehow I was happy that you made the first move because seriously, I PROMISED myself that I would never ever talk to you again. At least not the way we used to. You might say I’m bitter, I am not. I just don’t like to be involved. I swear it would be so much easy for me to just be out of the picture.

I am not bitter although I first thought I was. Considering all the blows it caused my ego, I feel I have the right to be bitter. Good thing, sense won over me. I thought I’d bleed profusely out from this, I did but not as much as I expected to.

My good friends were polite enough not to talk about it. It helped me mend. It helped me face my demons as brave as I was. I just didn’t want for people to press on the issue. From the very start, it’s personal and so it should remain personal till the end.

Your message struck me. I have blocked all access in my attempt to be out of the picture. I just feel it isn’t right to keep you in my contacts or have myself updated with everything that goes into your life. I was never a part of it.

Don’t blame me. Sometimes, the best way to be safe and dry is to never go out of the house at all. I just can’t see the point of me talking to you as if things never happened. Yeah, you would say, you were never at fault. And I am not at fault to protect myself either.

The story of me and you ( oh wait, just me) is one of my life’s tragedies. It’s a story of something Unrequited, a story that I am recovering from. These days, I only can smile at the thought of it. Someday, I’ll remember this and tell it to my grandkids and it will be a hearty laugh.

You bet, I am a giver. My kind nature would not allow seeing you hurting. My kind nature wouldn’t allow seeing your heart break. After all, we only live once. I want you to live once but Happy.

                    

This is my final goodbye, my friend. No bitterness. No heartache. I’m fine. I’ll have my chance. I hope you two have the best of what you deserve. Sweet life! J

temporary

Tired…

There are days that I seem to over analyze everything. From basic aspects, it leads me to think so much about my future. My sissy once said, “You seem to think of so many things that aren’t even appropriate for your age.”

And she’s RIGHT! That’s what makes me different from her. I told you, I’ve got worries of a 40-year-old, mother of six children. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about how life will become of me. There are days when I feel a lot lonely and make me think even the wildest of thoughts like leaving it all, No looking back.

A GREAT ESCAPE. It thrills me not to know where to go, crossing borders, being free from inhibitions. When all else fell to fate and leaving spontaneity in full action. Isn’t it exciting? Maybe the thrill that I am feeling out from it is psychological in nature. Like I am a person of plans and goals and breaking free from it is a HIGH for me.

My sis once told me “you’re only 25, live your life. Know yourself better, be your worst but collect yourself to be the best, don’t box yourself in gurl, there’s the world for your taking” And perhaps I should take it from her. She’s done all this liberating feeling of being away from home. Enjoyed her singlehood in full bloom and now that she’s married, she’s got no regrets!

The zest in me is inconsistent. Some days I’m fired up and some days I just feel burdened by all the duties that I have to do. I am getting bored, tired and the energy is decreasing. I feel too old to go partying, too old to go for girls’ night and too old to be feeling kilig a thousand times and one. Again, I blame it to QUARTER LIFE CRISIS. (For lack of better reason)

Being busy with everyday hurdle is normal. Feeling fed up is the most ordinary thing. But giving up… well, it’s another story.

Anyway, all I ever want is a happy life. A life with meaning and yes, when I go gray, I just want to remember life, as something that makes me young all over again. It’s safe to say that all I ever wanted is a life well-lived.

Hater

I super hate you.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s with you that make me so much drawn to you. Maybe, your weirdness is the same wavelength as mine. Maybe, your unpredictable nature baffles me to my excitement. Maybe, your way of showing how you like me is unconventional and I find it interesting.

I hate you.

I hate your guts. Feeling like you’re so sure of yourself. Like, I am that faithful. Hear this out. Maybe one day I’d realize completely that you aren’t the one for me or perhaps I am realizing that now. Maybe one day I’d wake up smiling over someone’s memory. Maybe one day, I’d realize how lame I am to have liked you in the first place. Maybe one day, you’ll just become part of my thoughts, a flashback of good times- young, wild and free to like, or love!

I hate you because you make me feel as though I can take everything. I hate you because I never knew I am capable of enduring. I hate you because all my friends are screaming No and I seem to agree, but in the end, my heart still says Yes. I hate you because you’re too charming that it’s impossible for other women not to notice. I hate you because no matter how I tried to erase you out from my system, I’m missing you all the more. I hate you because there are guys who want me to notice them but in the end, I still see you in them.

I really hate you because I really like you and I hate it.

ako nalang

Kainis ka!

Alam mo yung, nandun n asana sa level na ok na, plantsado na kaso nagkadeperensya pa! Mygahd higad, isa kang malaking X na dapat matagal ko ng inilibing sa limot. Isa kang malaking nunal na ayaw matanggal tanggal kahit laser pa ang ipantira ko. Isa kang bwiset na langaw na di mamatay matay kahit pa isa lagapak na bongga aking ibibigay. Bakit ganun?

Mali ito. Mali na makaramdam ng bonggang pagkagusto lalo pa’t di ka sigurado. Alam ko na kasi ang ending nito, ako ang dehado. Sa totoo lang, di ko na dapat inentertain ang thoughts ko about you. Hindi ka naman masyadong gwapo para pagtuonan ko ng pansin, in fact, what you are, ordinary beauty. Common face in a bunch of crowd intersecting in a pedestrian.

Ang masakit pa, you made me believe. You lead me on. Pero don’t worry, I am not wholly blaming you for everything, I have a part too kaya nga dobleng sakit. Why, because I played along. I was somehow expecting and I am hurting.

Alam kong over naman na affected ako agad. Ganun? Agad agad? Over na kung over but I really fell for your stupid joke. Ako naman itong gullible, napaniwala agad. Hay. I can say, the walls I’ve built for years mejo natibag but buti na lang I have recovered some pieces of it and maybe, in due time reconstruct it again.

Ang sakit lang isipin, twice in a row, nasagasaan ng bongga yung pride ko. Good that I never went public with it, it saved me from further scrutiny. Ganito na lang ba role ko sa life? To live in misery sa mga naunsyaming romance? To live in pain but keeping a cheerful face? To live in discomfort knowing how happy you all are while I am still waiting for that perfect takip? Geez!

Sabi ko nga, dapat hintayin, anyone worth having is worth waiting. Bakit ganun? Nakakasawa ang palaging masaktan habang naghihintay. Kabilang ba ako sa mga apektado ng epidemyang pang 21^st century? Ang mga nasasaktan kahit walang karapatan? Saan ang hustisya?

Ang masakit pa, sa dinami dami ba nama ng babae sa mundong ito, bakit ako ang palaging naiiwan sa ere? Bakit ako ang lubos na nasasaktan sa mga pangyayari? Maari ko bang iassume na because I am stronger than most girls, e ako ang chosen one? Bakit naman ganun? Ako nalang palagi ang napipili. Pwedeng iba naman?

Naiinis ako sayo at kung pwede lang ireorganize yung life ko, sana naman may katuparan. Ako na ang sumalo sa lahat ng kamalasan sa mga naunsyaming first romance. At nang dahil sayo, nagdedecrease yung trust level ko sa mga kabaro mo.

Di ako tanga at lalong di ako estupido. Don’t bilog my ulo, you won’t like it when I get to learn how to play your games.

Intiendes?

discernment

Discernment…

This one word that gets me really into it. Most often, I just suppress thoughts so as not to solicit unwanted emotions and perhaps entertain impossible ideas.

The truth is, I am an over thinker. An egg can lead me to think about how the chick will become in the future. That advanced. That bo…oooring! Of course, I hate that I am being drawn to this kind of thinking. It adds worries; it makes me feel burdened about my future. I feel as though I am responsible for everything.

Anyway, I went home just recently. I had a goo week-long vacation, with a hectic schedule everyday. I felt really happy that after so long, I am back home. Amidst my busy schedule, I was able to assess what I really feel about it all. And here it goes…

Being in Davao is happiness. My family, my friends, all the familiar faces, the food, HOME, everything… only that, salary is low and costs are rocketing up, how to cope?

Being abroad is a blessing. I get to buy what I want, do the things I want, eat whenever I want to, go out in FULL liberty. It’s all up to me, even the chores and the daily routine.

Am I ready to go home for good? As I stayed for the whole week, I’ve come to a realization that I am not. Maybe I got used to my life here. Maybe deep inside, I feel really happy about being here. Maybe I love how things work for me. Maybe I like that I am in-charge of everything. Maybe, maybe… I can marry now! (kidding!)

I am very much happy to hear a proposal from my former boss. She asked about my plan, when will I come back, what’s my next step. And I answered, maybe next year, if God permits. Then she told me if I am interested in a bank job again. I am happy to know that she trusts me enough to be recommended soon. Is this really it Lord?

So now, I’m back to square one. Discerning what I really want with life. I mean you know, I am getting older with responsibilities in my shoulders. I can’t stay feeling easy forever. And whenever I think about it, I feel exhausted even before I start.

Discernment. Too easy to say, too difficult to process!

nine months

Woohoo!

So I just came back from my homeland Davao.

NINE MONTHS…

Can you imagine? It’s like being pregnant and running away for people not to notice. It’s THAT long. It’s excruciating. Going home and seeing the place you used to go to, meeting hundreds of friends, bumping into familiar faces, bonding with the family and yes, some hope for some budding LOVE. (or okay, let’s cross out the latter)

I told you before… I am fascinated by the fact of coming home after a long time of being away. I am fascinated by the smell of airports back home coming from huge, ultra modern airports abroad. I am fascinated by being fetched some place else before coming home to Davao. I am fascinated by the changes that will surprise me. I am fascinated by HOME.

Happiness is knowing that even if you stayed long abroad, you always have a place to come home to, a place where love is immortal and where you know you are safe.

I was too excited to see my most favourite people and my most beloved BABY! Chino turned one year old the day I touched down Davao. NINE MONTHS… can you imagine?

What greeted me is the black taxi which offers debit card payments, isn’t it cool? Coming from Singapore, I feel like it’s a huge development (someday, I can go cashless too, just like what I do here). On the way home, I saw HUGE malls enveloping the city.

I was in awe, I never really imagined Davao to be bombarded by malls. (Knowing Davaoenos taste for things? Nah!) The streets were crowded with cars, like wow! Seriously? Davao is slowly becoming a giant awoken from its sleep. Strutting along big malls, I thought, how can a person of minimum wage buy stuffs from designer shops? I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me! How can it suffice a medium to high cost of living? There should be some equilibrium as to wage earned and the prices of goods, or else, malls will just be big rooms for walking and sitting, “airconditionally”!

I met a lot of good friends. Chatted about how life has been and the changes that transformed each one of us. Too bad, there were those, I haven’t been given the chance to meet. TIME CONSTRAINT. My highlight is going to BUDA and experiencing nature. It’s a short getaway from the city. As usual, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated each time I go there.

And why the crossed out portion above? Because HE CHICKENED OUT! Seriously?! Oh well, I think I found my match. I think I just bumped into him in this lifetime, want to make him my friend (but he doesn’t want), want to make him my sweetheart (yucks)… hmnn… we’ll see about that!

I can say that NINE LONG MONTHS was worth the wait. It’s like being pregnant, and giving birth to new hope, new opportunities.

Thank you Lord! :)

coming home soon

The thing is I’ve been really excited about going home again. Alam mo yung feeling na pag naiisip mo, napoprovoke ka to imagine anong gagawin mo dun. Exciting to know na andaming bagong pwedeng itry since I left Davao a year ago.

It’s a mini-reunion for us. Liemy’s gonna come home too. Ilang days lang din, but ok na. And I am forced to believe na friends talaga kami. Imagine, when we talk about it, she’ll say “stop na please, I can’t sleep kasi maeexcite na naman ako” That’s just sooo me!!! Di nakakatulog. But my dear, isn’t it too early not to sleep? One month pa po, ayoko naming magmukha tayong zombie sa pictures ng ating reunion. ^^

It’s lil baktin’s birthday and am very much excited to see him again. I last saw him when he celebrated his fourth month. Ambilis, one year na agad. You know, iba talaga pag may baby sa family, nakakainspire, their innocence just erases all the burdens you’re facing. Their laughter is heavenly, nakakahappy. If there’s someone that’s just so dear to me, it’s Chino. I love him to the core! ^^

I’m excited to meet my good friends. Annie is coming over from Cotabato just for our reunion as well. Ana’s inviting me to some night swim via THEIR house pool. It’s really nice to see each one of them. Ang sarap lang sa feeling na kahit saan ka magpunta, you always go back to home with your most favourite people. It reminds me na bata pa din ako, I shouldn’t think too much about responsibilities.

Excited din akong… aherm, mag “hang out”. I don’t wanna call it a date kasi napepressure ako. As I’ve said, when it’s a date, it’s like having to come out from the cocoon and just be fabulous with girly moves. That’s just not me. I’d enjoy funny/ informative conversations while sipping some frappe or munching some fries with the comforts of dressing whatever I wish. It’s time for me to meet and know more about people. Yung walls ko ang tibay, di talaga natitibag and truthfully, I’m getting bored with my defenses. Nakakapagod pala.

Above all, I am just so excited to be home because I know that there are so many people who love me. It’s like being in a place where I know I should be.

I can’t wait to see you soon Davao!

visit

Dreams are subconscious thoughts that one is aiming to happen.

That’s what they say, could it be true?

Why, I dreamt of you last night, to my dismay.

It’s bizarre but very vivid…

***

I was in a trade fair attended by most of the people from school. I was the usual me, active and sunny. I was busy participating, getting through roles while having fun with my good old friends. I always have this thought that you will be attending but I never really expected you to be there.

I was in a room filled with busy people making something out from nothing. At one time, I had to go north to grab some stuff. I wore shorts that pretty much exposed my legs so I had to stop to put some cover on. I looked behind and there I saw you. I pretended to have not seen you and continued to go my way. As I reached and talked with the woman, I saw you coming forth towards me, again, I pretended not to care but my eyes were pointing back at you from time to time.

I hurried to avoid you but the woman held me back. You stopped and you said “Hi!” in your most appealing smile and cheerful eyes. In that moment, I felt my heart leapt and fell beyond its pattern. I wanted to say “hello” but I was too consumed by my bitterness, I gave you a smirk and head on to my destination.

In my mind, “how dare this guy to greet me as if nothing happened?” In that specific moment, I was fuming with bitterness that no one can console me but my self. I went straight back to the room but again, I saw you. You came near me but I avoided you like a plague. I wish I knew what to say to you so my heart will be drenched from all the pain. I wish I can let it all out, but I knew how pointless it was to discuss things with you.

While you were so alive talking with your friends and taking shots out from your new camera, I pretended to be as equally happy as you are. I was told how things have changed but I was still the same energetic me. If they only knew…

***

The alarm spared me from going through it all. I rode in the MRT to work and still my mind was consumed by you. It’s been years, you should’ve left my mind by today but how come, you still occupy me?

I don’t know how intense the feeling is, all I know is that I wished I never met you. I wished that whenever our paths cross again, I will be a whole me, free from bitterness. It’s illogical to continue hurting. It’s funny how I react so gravely about you when there was never a definite connection.

Maybe, this is me in my most undesirable state. Maybe this is me in frustration. Maybe this is me today… but I know, I’ll get over you someday.

As for a dream, it may be a subconscious part of a person’s brain, but I definitely hope, if it comes true, it will be in a friendlier way. No bitterness, no pain, no amount of sadness and no deadma show! 

not me

Anjan ka na naman, tinutukso tukso ang aking puso…

What’s new? I’m an old soul reincarnated in an ‘80’s body. It’s always like that, never changed, fully vintage even in some of my principles. And my friends tease me for that.

You told me, you claim to be so old skool and yet your acts are different. I snapped at you and told you to elaborate. Well, you said, I say different when I’m talking with you on the computer. Like I can do everything, it’s all possible, but when I meet you, I’m coy and a bit indifferent. How can I be old skool when I’m so much me in the computer and a different me when we meet?

Ambot pud dong! Nganu man gud pansinun ng mga ana. I don’t have any defense as to that accusation. I’m like that. Do I need to consider visiting my psychiatrist? Like to me, alangan naman super close asap?

Girls talaga have this identity complex na when someone says they like you, it turns out to be, mapressure kami to be what you thought we are. It’s natural. But it doesn’t mean naman it will be like that forever, syempre pa kiyeme at first but lumalabas ang tunay na kulay after. It’s like that. Parang boys lang yan, ang sweet pagnanliligaw but fades out in the end. The irony of genders.

Ang dami mo kasing tanong. Eh wala naming clear kung anong dapat isagot. You see, I am very straightforward, I’m not a mind reader so KISS, Keep It Short and Simple. Ganyan lang naman yan. Minsan kasi sa dami ng sinasabi nawawala sa totoong pinag uusapan. Ang hirap imonitor kung ano yung point.

So there, I told you I like you. So what? Don’t use that against me. Don’t be too sure about youself. Kahit ayaw ko, wala akong magagawa, same thing, I like shrimps kahit di dapat, I like shopping kahit di puwede, I like travelling kahit magastos. But that’s just about it. I like you. Simple.

I have liked someone for a long time that I fell for him in the end without telling him my exact dilemma. I wouldn’t dare do that again, ‘cause it’s so hard to move on. How can I move on when ako lang ang nakafeel? It’s not even mutual. In fact, it was so stupid of me. Plain idiot to have fallen for someone walay klaro.

So now, I make it a point to be neat about it. I like you. I can like so many you. I can like a lot better than you so wag paimportante.

Finally, I don’t know where this post is going. It’s just that, please don’t show interest if you’re not really interested. Don’t give false hopes. Don’t promise. Don’t talk to me unless you mean it. Don’t be too involved with me or I shall distance myself to spare my heart from unprecedented reactions. Don’t make moves you cannot keep. Don’t make paasa. It’s pointless.

And yes, If it’s a game to you, go ahead find another player, I’m lame and poor in energy. I can’t keep up. I’d better go and find peace in my sleep. So please, Spare me.

Single ladies are lesbians, aren't they?

No Husband, No BF… lesbian agad?!

Kaloka!

I’ve been introduced to a Filipino- Chinese boss of a Sister company. Although, I was suspecting he’s Filipino, he made sure I erased all my doubts as he spoke Mandarin very well. The only thing that kept me puzzled was his Filipino looks, very common, somehow, NATIVE.

Anyway, from there on, I receive emails always with a “Mabuhay!” greeting. Funny but I am not used to using that term, I don’t even know how to translate it in exact English, as my boss was nosy and asked me what it meant. I could’ve joked it meant, “I love you” only that, I am dealing with my boss in a more professional way. (Meaning, no unnecessary remarks, weird jokes and stuffs from my personal self. Professional me is different than the household me. LOL)

I assume the FC Boss have known that I am Filipino from my boss. And from what I know my boss doesn’t know that FC Boss is Filipino too. I told him he is, but he absolutely said, FC Boss is Chinese. I didn’t argue. But in my mind, “heller boss, we talked over the phone in parts tagalog and I’ve know he’s from Batangas”

FC Boss called me up yesterday, I was expecting his call since I was confused by their shipment and was asking for an explanation.

HIM: Mabuhay! How are you? How have you been doing?

ME: Am okay, thanks. How about you? (politeness is a virtue)

HIM: am good. You going back to our homeland?

ME: Oh yeah, yeah.

HIM: When? I am going back too, When’s your flight?

ME: maybe September?

HIM: Me too. 24^th, Maybe we can see each other sa airport?

ME: No, I am flying on the 21^st.

HIM: oh 23^rd…

ME: 21^st.

HIM: Manila right?

ME: Nope Davao.

HIM: to your husband? Boyfriend?

ME: No husband, no boyfriend whatsoever…

HIM: oh girlfriend?

ME: Huh?!

HIM: oh you’re a lesbian… aww shucks!

ME: what?! No!!

The next thing I knew, he said sorry a couple of times and I didn’t know whether to laugh or be disappointed. Surprised was an understatement. Kaloka talaga si Kuya! It’s so unnerving of him to assume that I am a lesbian only because I am single.

Now I know how it feels sa mga capable guys who don’t have GF/ Wife and be frequently tagged as GAYS and sa mga famous celebs whose not visible with a pair tagged as homos. No offense meant sa ating mga kapatid in the third sex but as for myself, I can die laughing. Kasayang ng egg cells ko! Jusmiyo!

Then somehow, I assessed myself, do I look like it? Are my actions very tomboyish? A good friend who always teases me tells me about my being astig than most guys that’s why I looked masculine to him more than my being a lady. Naisip ko, porke ba’t I act with less finesse lesbian na agad? I don’t need to change myself just to be part of the society’s definition of a girl. It’s too late. It was never an issue to me. I just love being me. I can be funny without being so conscious with my looks. Just like that.

And then I asked a friend, what if I am a lesbian? Will I be able to acknowledge? Am I hiding under my long hair? She just laughed and told me I’m too malandi to be a lesbian, and too fantasizing about boys to be one! LOL. Just a hypothetical question lang naman. Kasi most of the time, we don’t see things in ourselves, while others can. Malay ko diba?

You see, one comment can really provoke me to thinking things, even those that are absurd. But my point here is, just because someone isn’t in a relationship doesn’t mean that he/she’s of the third sex. Di ba pwedeng choosy lang? Or never pa natapos ang process ng frog to prince evolution?

And aminin ko man o hindi, I am taken aback. I mean, assessment/ personality check, I think talaga it’s about time to consider love. I feel so averse to it because I am scared of doing anything for the person and end up rejected. Alam mo yun? It takes a lot for me to love, ‘cause I give everything for that person. Di yung basta basta lang ‘cause I’ll offer him with so much and I am not ready to let it go until I know he feels the same way. Ganun. (and I know it shouldn’t be like that but that’s how I really feel about it)

Plus mahirap bang intindihin na di talaga basta basta pumasok sa isang relationship. Kahit pa marami ang nagpapalipad hangin, nagpapapansin, or the likes, it’s never easy to just agree and give it a go. For me, it’s a serious business ‘cause it’s not everyday I allow people to be part of my life, especially that someone who should know you from head to foot, otherwise, what’s the point?!

Finally, I am happy as it is. And no one has the right to change me just so I can fit to their idea of a person or of a girl much less and as much as I want to laugh about it, its absurdity and epicness, I am so sorry to say, I am not a lesbian and I am aiming to exercise my sexual rights with the opposite sex in the most heavenly way possible (bang!). To say the least, I have been dreaming of it, in a perfect place and perfect time! With all the bahaghari and grapes on the side under clean white sheets with a smell of camomile extracts and rose petals! And when I think about it… oh! Wag na nga lang… haha

(whatever! Yan tuloy, I am provoked to think beyond what is wholesome, basta, in DUE time! Whatever tomboy fever!) 

decisions again

So good to be back!

My mind was so busy thinking about a life-changing decision. I have been ranting about it for weeks and put myself to deep concentration to come up with the best choice possible.

After two weeks, I am back! What was it? What happened?

When I least expected it, I received a call from a Major Bank here in Singapore. It was too good to be true, my dream bank. In fact, it was the reason why I came here in Singapore. I felt like I had the chance to be part of them.

I went in a lot of recruitments for it, and unfortunately got ditched every time. But for me, that was just about it, I was consumed by the thrill of chasing it. It’s like colourful candies stored in a clear glass bottles, my attempt to reach it gets more challenging but every time, it’s set to a higher distance, beyond my reach. I became greedy for it. LOL

To say the least, I grew challenged. I thought to myself, I have what it takes, modesty- aside,  I got the background, I got the skills, I got the academics, I got the ahermmmm… LOOKS (char lang ni LOL). But then, I always got booted, how come? Rejections came in a handy and all the more, I grew hungry for it.

When everything else fell into place, my job seems a bit okay to me, my outlook seemed to be more relaxed, I got a ring from them and they told me to come down for an interview. I was shocked and again, the hunger came alive. Without thinking twice, I had myself on leave.

The interview went fine. In fact, I liked the interviewer. She seemed so pleasant, so nice and sweet, not to mention, cute (most locals don’t lol). I had a good feeling towards it. I called my friend, told her, I feel good about the interview. That day, I juggled 2 interviews, 1 from the bank, 1 from an investment company. And in between, I received a phone call, from the same bank, asking me if they can have a second interview in their main office for HR purposes.

They asked me if I can come back the day after, but I told them I cannot (my boss will kill me if I get on leave again, that’s ABUSO in caps) so instead, I asked if I can have it that same day. (kapal lang ng face, nagparesched pa) and yes, they agreed.

The interview was again, pleasing. I felt good. Though, I had shades of gray as they told me about the salary. I mean, experience-wise, I got it. And working in a bank, I had the idea how stressful the life is (compared to my current job) and because somehow, I can gauge, I know my price.

I waited for their call but I haven’t received any. In my heart, I know that everything went well. And it’s pretty much impossible if they reject me again (I am THAT confident). Then I heard from a good friend that the bank cannot fulfil my price. She said, though you have experience, the bank wants you to start from scratch, thus, the salary is lower than what you expect.

I was surprised. Imagine? My DREAM bank? CANNOT afford my salary? LOWER than my expected? Like to me, it’s supposed to be higher than my current. Then my friend told me, let’s meet, I’ll tell you the benefits. She knew right then and there, my world was shattered, my expectations got booted and everything else about the company went bland for my taste.

Then I told my parents. I asked advice from them, but as usual, they just told me “go for what you desire… pray” then I asked my sissy almost desperately as the bank needs my answer ASAP if I take it or not.

My friend told me about the benefits and all. It sounds appealing. I told her, I will weigh things first before thrusting deep to saying YES. I asked my sissy, my ever, reactive-on-impulse sister. She told me, what’s it in for you? Will you be richer? Will you be more relaxed? Will you be happier? I say NO. Stick to your job. Just like that.

So then, I told my sister, it will be prestigious. It will hone my resume for my next job somewhere else. It’s a big break! Not everyone is given the chance, you know how I waited for my chance right? She told me, what is prestige? Prestige is for the insecure. You know, you have it in you. Wherever you will go, it doesn’t matter, all else doesn’t, it’s innate girl. Why indulge to a more stressful life? To the life of worries?

She said, Look at me, I left a prestigious company too, I became a boss in a span of time in a less prestigious company thereafter, but to me, that’s just about it. My happiness, family and relaxed simple life MATTERS MORE. It will be a good milestone for you, but will you be happy? I think you should find it in your heart. You know what you’re happiest about.

Hmnnn… Mostly, my sister is more on impulse. Unlike me, it will take me so many days and nights of thinking, but then again, she’s really my ELDER sister. She has this profound understanding to things in an instant. I found comfort in that.

So to make the long story short, I DECLINED the offer. I had a hard time, finally telling the boss that I refuse to accept the offer.

And maybe, I will regret this missed chance. I will regret that I haven’t been part of that BANK. But then again, life is too short to live in regrets. I choose to move forward, to make myself better with the path that I am in. I whole-heartedly THANK the people who gave me the chance. Perhaps, I proved myself that “I have it…really” and it’s something to me. It’s a big thing to me, and I will always be grateful for it.

But above all, I thank God for always giving me the chance to reach my dreams. I thank you Lord Almighty for teaching me the virtue of waiting. Thank you Lord!

Ad Majorem dei Gloriam! =)))

Regret

Anniversary…

Talked with A yesterday. She said, “P, let’s take a leave on the 8^th of Aug to mark our first anniversary here in SG” and I said, “one year… ahh! Have we become better?” She said, “of course!”

Wow. Such conviction you have in there. Memories flashed…

Looking back, I traded my job to something unknown. I’ve been receiving enough, getting the best benefits, having fabulous leaves where I can travel to anywhere with my good friends (who also belonged to the same company and been given the chance to be allowed altogether for a leave) and most importantly, meeting really interesting people… and then, BOOM! I chose to leap out of it. Do I have regrets?

Apparently, when you’re 24, it is the time of your life when you seek for more, aim for more, imagine more… I felt there was something in store for me out of my company, like I am destined to do more, and of course, see the world beyond my horizon. What’s in the other end? 24 was a perfect time!

Now at 25, the feeling slowly subsides. Yes, I do aim for more, imagine more but I now seek less…

I mean, within almost a year, I have gained a lot of experience. I was able to see things from a different perspective, and perhaps, I was able to know which is more important to me. At 25, I think and feel that I have learned so much. I feel life got me in one blow and I was stunned. I was taken aback, but I chose to stay still.

Seriously, this may seem very unconvincing, but most of my closest friends and family told me that I’ve changed. (I totally hope it’s for the better though). At 25, I look and feel like I am 35. I’ve got worries of a mother (with 6 kids) plus the imaginings of an old, senile woman. Like Duh!?  What the hell! I just can’t stop myself from feeling that way.

But then I am learning, I now seek less because I know that what’s meant for me always finds it way towards me. I can’t say the fire is ceasing to burn, it’s just that Sometimes, the best way to face the world is to care less about its details. Take things light and just go with it, there’s just no point resisting.

A lot of people who see the façade, remark about how happy-go-lucky, young-wild-and-free-ish my life is, but if only people knew that I’ve got the brains of a mean machine that never stops itself from doing its function, too influential that it affects the whole of me, if they only knew, then they’d never want to be with me. I am a burden. A mixed, bipolar persona who thinks so much about the world.

Good thing there are people stuck with me. They’ve no choice. Haha. Anyway, Answering, Have I become better? Any regrets?

I can say I do. It’s true that experiences change who you are and how you see the world. The more you become closely connected with nothing but yourself, the more you feel appreciative of the people who stick with you. I feel that the one year has made an impact on me, I’ve reconsidered so many options that I find point-blankly odd and unacceptable.

As for regrets, I am so sure I will regret if I didn’t take the chance to be here.