prexypinoy to the world

Read again. You told me to exactly do that but I told you I cannot. Sometimes, the more you go over it again, the more words become too define to stab your heart. I refused to reread all that we’ve talked about. It hurts to read such promising words and end up in a completely opposite direction. There’s no single day that I can’t think of you. Sometimes I feel all these hurt and pain are just figments of my imagination that it was not real and I am not experiencing what I feel as of the moment. In denial, they say. It’s so hard to move on from here. I’m like a worm trying to crawl out to a hole about a kilometre far. Frankly, we talked and I felt happy. Somehow, my burdens are taken out from me. I have so much to say but I kept it for so long because I don’t want to sound desperate. Why would I push myself in? But since you asked for it, it’s a good feeling to tell you those things. It’s like coming out from my shell. A growth in my kind of person and I thank you for th...

Ayoko ng ganito. Ayokong para akong kept woman na nakikipagsabayan. Ayokong para akong isa sa mga sapatos na kayang ilagay on the side while you are busy trying out the new ones. Ang daming mga bagay bagay na gumugulo saking isipan. If you talk to someone you liked from the past, are you an accomplice to his cheating? Of course I don’t mean talk in a friendly way but talk about his feelings, his plans and even his want to be with you… and he’s committed (may gf na)! Sa totoo lang, ayoko talagang mainvolve. I talked to him because I want to have closure. The kind of peace that would lull me to sleep and not the kind of anger that makes me uneasy and alive during most nights. Ang sagwang pakinggan yung closure kasi never naman naging in a relationship but ganyan pala talaga. Somehow, may mga thoughts at words kang left unsaid nung mga times na pwede mo sanang sabihin. And now that things have changed mahirap ng ilabas sa bibig ‘cause it might stir a lot of emotions especial...

Temptation. This word does not cover all the opportunities for shopping and the must-have things I’m dying to buy. This is not about the trips here and there that I’m waiting to have my tickets paid for and surely, this is not about the sumptuous meals I can’t wait to have my teeth on. This will cover lost and recurring letseng pag-ibig. I have a good friend who told me “I know he’s got a gf but I love him and I want to be with him” and I vehemently replied “there’s no way I’m hearing stuffs like that from you. You, of all people?” I was shaken and did a recall on what we were on our younger days. Gosh I just can’t believe my good friend is willing to be an option rather than a primary reason. For how can a girl of good values, clean record and coming from a decent, well off family would ever think of just being put in the side while the guy enjoys having his main course? I couldn’t process it. I was disappointed and frustrated. I know her; she’s one of the best girls I e...

“Ei” To my surprise, you messaged me. My mind wandered to the Alps and back whether to reply or not. The right and left brain grew in tangles. But alas I decided to reply. It’s not as though di kita matiis, it’s more of pagbabago ko ng style. You see, I have been hurt before, maybe the same intensity as this or more and I applied my known equation. That is, to keep mum about everything even my closest of friends didn’t hear a thing from me. I almost dramatically cut all the lines of connections. From almost every night of texting and chatting, as abrupt as I was with changing my undies, I stopped communicating. That was me. That was me years back. How unfortunate (or fortunate) of me to experience this again and I vowed to use another equation. They said people have different ways in coping up with situations. I’ve tried the previous one and it never helped me ease instantaneously (of course it will never be like that) but at least I was hoping it’s something that passes...

I feel so guilty. I have been flooding twitter and my friends think that they might check on me. They're curious on what happened to me. This is one of the disadvantages of blurting out problems in public. One of the many reasons why I love to blog is because I can be too personal without friends knowing. Yes, public can see it but mostly chances are upon strangers browsing others blogs and had me next when they press that tiny button in the upper left side of this blogging site. I just wouldn't want to be verbal about it. I have my own therapy, writing. I prefer to write than to speak, for speaking can make me change my expression and tone of my voice. I hate when people around me feel pity over me.  We go through processes. We go through certain phases in this life and I want to go through it the peaceful possible way. I don't need to talk. I don't need to speak. I don't need to see the expression of their faces. I don't want charity. I don't want ...

Investments… It is wise to choose where to invest. It is wise to keep your interests in line. Business books teach us that and it’s simple logic. For the best profit in less costs possible. But what if we’re talking about investments in subjective forms? How do we gauge ourselves if this is enough or not? So my dilemma is on. Again. Paulit ulit. History repeats itself. There’s no point denying, I am hurting. Again. I might feel numb and give up. I’ll put on my gear and make myself invisible again. This is nakakapagod, I tell you. This time, I consulted my friends (for the first time). I mean, I don’t usually share matters of the heart; it’s mostly quintessential to keep it to myself. Close my doors, put on my plugs, and drown with bitterness, all by myself. It’s like that. Always have been. I told my good friend “should I quit? Close all access?” and she answered, “will it make you feel better?” I said, “yes, I guess. I’ve done this a couple of times.” And she sai...

Damn! Here I am again in the same side of things, the losing end. I am writing to clear off my mind as whatever I do, I can still think of you. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess I have to go through it all again for me to learn how to be numb. I guess the pain doubled. I guess I have to learn not to trust enough. No matter how I protected myself, it’s still the same pattern, I’m hurt and no one’s gonna fix this mess but myself. I should’ve listened. From the very start, I know there’s no point to it. I laid down the cards and I predicted how it will end. I am right, it ends like this. How can I not know? I am the chosen one, the loser, the bitter; the one who takes all the pain and only God knows how much I can take. Stubborn as I was, I want to challenge the circumstances, I still gave in, I still continued so now, I have no one to blame but my overly adventurous self. You won’t see me cry. You won’t see me sad. I should not show it. I will be in the upper ...

For how many posts would I make to emphasize a point of life’s volatility? You have lived life being the best of who you can be. You marveled at new experiences and braved dark times. You have lived to conquer your fears and to make the most out of life. You yearn to survive. It’s always a vicious cycle of survival. You loved and lost. You loved and forgot. You loved and taken for granted. You have someone you like, liked for long or liked for the time being. You have said I love you yesterday but not yet today. And yet just like every other creature, it is predetermined that the flame will be slowly draining. Mortality. You can never predict. You sleep tonight and never know if you ever wake up tomorrow. One foot on the ground and the other one floating. You will never know when the time is. Your time. Life is short. Cliche. You live each day to fulfill basic needs, do your duty, follow your routine. It’s as though, you only live to pay the bills....

I see you. Don't look behind or sideways, I am talking to you! Yes, you! For how many times have you tried not to show it? For how long have you kept your face? For why do you love the dark? You won’t believe it, but I know you. I saw you. I dreamt of you. I had the most vivid flashbacks I could ever have of you. So here’s what I think you are… When you think you can bear it all, you are ready to go through the odds. It’s painful but you chose to keep it to yourself and pretend it’s always sunny in your side of the world. People would think you never had any experience of any pain ordinary lovers go through but what they don’t know is that, you smile the fakest smile to hide the pain and broken wings. You put on your greatest weapon, a façade of happiness. You thought everything will be better. You live each day hoping for a better tomorrow, that somehow, someday, things may change and you will be put in the pedestal. It’s like being a struggling actor, you do your ...

An almost impossible journey that made it the most memorable. Friends are never easy to find. You talk to some but only those you feel comfortable with are the ones you have the privilege to share part and parcel of your life. I wouldn't have survived this new path that I took in if not for the good friends that made this whole adventure a lot bearable.

And so it seems I am talking about one guy all through out my posts. To debug that myth: I am getting over someone I know who I thought I have a deep attachment with. My friend asked me, "so you're saying you are over him... and you're saying you're not in anyway affected and interested in what he does... and you're saying you ain't hurting?" And I answered, Yes, No, No.  It's not easy to go through your memories and feeling like you've never really had the chance. Yes I am getting over him but it's a process. To be honest, I am so pissed with myself. Why am I holding on to something that never really existed? Fictional. And it's as though, it is where my world revolves. I am getting tired. Please let me go. Yes, I am affected and No, I am not interested. I am not in anyway interested to be involved. I don't think I am worth as the third wheel. Never an option. Never WILL happen. Not my kind. Yes I am hurting but it's so l...

I saw her in the airport and I was taken aback. She looked friendly and tried to strike a conversation but I acted weird, I was distanced. I was sorry but I just can’t help myself from feeling this way, she told me. And I said, “Well, you aren’t known to have so much pride. You’re fresh and cool about everything unlike me who takes insult like a wound poured with a salt. We’re different.” She said: “that’s why I don’t know why I reacted that way. It’s awkward; I just don’t want to talk.” Then I told her “maybe it’s time to leave things behind. Maybe it’s time to let it all go.” I get where you’re coming from.  There are people looking pretty with all smiles at your front but stabs you with a million daggers at your back. I don’t get them. Seriously, I don’t really mind people hating me for things I cannot change or are hard to change. I don’t expect everyone to be pleased with me. Personally, I’d rather have someone who doesn't talk to me instead of h...

You are my frustration! He said, and I replied “same here”. Bakit nga ba ganun, gusto mo sya, gusto ka nya but a lot of factors are pulling you off to be together. Rules. Isa na yan. Why do we make such rules to guide us to be happy and yet we feel miserable? Why do we set out certain posts on where to found a relationship but these posts are just keeping us from building something out from nothing? Distance. They say distance makes the heart grows fonder. But in most cases, it’s always a one-sided thing. The girl is usually the one who gets into it more than the guy. It’s unfair to think that while girls who are in the overseas are busy with their respective careers and daily hectic routines, at the end of the day, it is the thought of the guy that they like that appeases them in their loneliness. Communication. Why do we avoid conversations about ourselves? Why do we not talk as often as want our hearts to be intertwined? Why is a word too hard to utter. The weirdes...

Done! So after a year and so of not talking, you messaged me and asked me how I was. Quite frankly, I was surprised. I was surprised that after all these years, you still remember me. It would be a lie to deny that somehow I was happy that you made the first move because seriously, I PROMISED myself that I would never ever talk to you again. At least not the way we used to. You might say I’m bitter, I am not. I just don’t like to be involved. I swear it would be so much easy for me to just be out of the picture. I am not bitter although I first thought I was. Considering all the blows it caused my ego, I feel I have the right to be bitter. Good thing, sense won over me. I thought I’d bleed profusely out from this, I did but not as much as I expected to. My good friends were polite enough not to talk about it. It helped me mend. It helped me face my demons as brave as I was. I just didn’t want for people to press on the issue. From the very start, it’s personal and s...

Tired… There are days that I seem to over analyze everything. From basic aspects, it leads me to think so much about my future. My sissy once said, “You seem to think of so many things that aren’t even appropriate for your age.” And she’s RIGHT! That’s what makes me different from her. I told you, I’ve got worries of a 40-year-old, mother of six children. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about how life will become of me. There are days when I feel a lot lonely and make me think even the wildest of thoughts like leaving it all, No looking back. A GREAT ESCAPE. It thrills me not to know where to go, crossing borders, being free from inhibitions. When all else fell to fate and leaving spontaneity in full action. Isn’t it exciting? Maybe the thrill that I am feeling out from it is psychological in nature. Like I am a person of plans and goals and breaking free from it is a HIGH for me. My sis once told me “you’re only 25, live your life. Know yourself better, be you...

I super hate you. Honestly, I don’t know what’s with you that make me so much drawn to you. Maybe, your weirdness is the same wavelength as mine. Maybe, your unpredictable nature baffles me to my excitement. Maybe, your way of showing how you like me is unconventional and I find it interesting. I hate you. I hate your guts. Feeling like you’re so sure of yourself. Like, I am that faithful. Hear this out. Maybe one day I’d realize completely that you aren’t the one for me or perhaps I am realizing that now. Maybe one day I’d wake up smiling over someone’s memory. Maybe one day, I’d realize how lame I am to have liked you in the first place. Maybe one day, you’ll just become part of my thoughts, a flashback of good times- young, wild and free to like, or love! I hate you because you make me feel as though I can take everything. I hate you because I never knew I am capable of enduring. I hate you because all my friends are screaming No and I seem to agree, but in the en...

Kainis ka! Alam mo yung, nandun n asana sa level na ok na, plantsado na kaso nagkadeperensya pa! Mygahd higad, isa kang malaking X na dapat matagal ko ng inilibing sa limot. Isa kang malaking nunal na ayaw matanggal tanggal kahit laser pa ang ipantira ko. Isa kang bwiset na langaw na di mamatay matay kahit pa isa lagapak na bongga aking ibibigay. Bakit ganun? Mali ito. Mali na makaramdam ng bonggang pagkagusto lalo pa’t di ka sigurado. Alam ko na kasi ang ending nito, ako ang dehado. Sa totoo lang, di ko na dapat inentertain ang thoughts ko about you. Hindi ka naman masyadong gwapo para pagtuonan ko ng pansin, in fact, what you are, ordinary beauty. Common face in a bunch of crowd intersecting in a pedestrian. Ang masakit pa, you made me believe. You lead me on. Pero don’t worry, I am not wholly blaming you for everything, I have a part too kaya nga dobleng sakit. Why, because I played along. I was somehow expecting and I am hurting. Alam kong over naman na affected...

Discernment… This one word that gets me really into it. Most often, I just suppress thoughts so as not to solicit unwanted emotions and perhaps entertain impossible ideas. The truth is, I am an over thinker. An egg can lead me to think about how the chick will become in the future. That advanced. That bo…oooring! Of course, I hate that I am being drawn to this kind of thinking. It adds worries; it makes me feel burdened about my future. I feel as though I am responsible for everything. Anyway, I went home just recently. I had a goo week-long vacation, with a hectic schedule everyday. I felt really happy that after so long, I am back home. Amidst my busy schedule, I was able to assess what I really feel about it all. And here it goes… Being in Davao is happiness. My family, my friends, all the familiar faces, the food, HOME, everything… only that, salary is low and costs are rocketing up, how to cope? Being abroad is a blessing. I get to buy what I want, do the th...

Woohoo! So I just came back from my homeland Davao . NINE MONTHS… Can you imagine? It’s like being pregnant and running away for people not to notice. It’s THAT long. It’s excruciating. Going home and seeing the place you used to go to, meeting hundreds of friends, bumping into familiar faces, bonding with the family and yes, some hope for some budding LOVE. (or okay, let’s cross out the latter) I told you before… I am fascinated by the fact of coming home after a long time of being away. I am fascinated by the smell of airports back home coming from huge, ultra modern airports abroad. I am fascinated by being fetched some place else before coming home to Davao . I am fascinated by the changes that will surprise me. I am fascinated by HOME. Happiness is knowing that even if you stayed long abroad, you always have a place to come home to, a place where love is immortal and where you know you are safe. I was too excited to see my most favourite people and my most ...

The thing is I’ve been really excited about going home again. Alam mo yung feeling na pag naiisip mo, napoprovoke ka to imagine anong gagawin mo dun. Exciting to know na andaming bagong pwedeng itry since I left Davao a year ago. It’s a mini-reunion for us. Liemy’s gonna come home too. Ilang days lang din, but ok na. And I am forced to believe na friends talaga kami. Imagine, when we talk about it, she’ll say “stop na please, I can’t sleep kasi maeexcite na naman ako” That’s just sooo me!!! Di nakakatulog. But my dear, isn’t it too early not to sleep? One month pa po, ayoko naming magmukha tayong zombie sa pictures ng ating reunion. ^^ It’s lil baktin’s birthday and am very much excited to see him again. I last saw him when he celebrated his fourth month. Ambilis, one year na agad. You know, iba talaga pag may baby sa family, nakakainspire, their innocence just erases all the burdens you’re facing. Their laughter is heavenly, nakakahappy. If there’s someone that’s just so ...

Dreams are subconscious thoughts that one is aiming to happen. That’s what they say, could it be true? Why, I dreamt of you last night, to my dismay. It’s bizarre but very vivid… *** I was in a trade fair attended by most of the people from school. I was the usual me, active and sunny. I was busy participating, getting through roles while having fun with my good old friends. I always have this thought that you will be attending but I never really expected you to be there. I was in a room filled with busy people making something out from nothing. At one time, I had to go north to grab some stuff. I wore shorts that pretty much exposed my legs so I had to stop to put some cover on. I looked behind and there I saw you. I pretended to have not seen you and continued to go my way. As I reached and talked with the woman, I saw you coming forth towards me, again, I pretended not to care but my eyes were pointing back at you from time to time. I hurried to avoid y...

Anjan ka na naman, tinutukso tukso ang aking puso… What’s new? I’m an old soul reincarnated in an ‘80’s body. It’s always like that, never changed, fully vintage even in some of my principles. And my friends tease me for that. You told me, you claim to be so old skool and yet your acts are different. I snapped at you and told you to elaborate. Well, you said, I say different when I’m talking with you on the computer. Like I can do everything, it’s all possible, but when I meet you, I’m coy and a bit indifferent. How can I be old skool when I’m so much me in the computer and a different me when we meet? Ambot pud dong! Nganu man gud pansinun ng mga ana. I don’t have any defense as to that accusation. I’m like that. Do I need to consider visiting my psychiatrist? Like to me, alangan naman super close asap? Girls talaga have this identity complex na when someone says they like you, it turns out to be, mapressure kami to be what you thought we are. It’s natural. But it d...

No Husband, No BF… lesbian agad?! Kaloka! I’ve been introduced to a Filipino- Chinese boss of a Sister company. Although, I was suspecting he’s Filipino, he made sure I erased all my doubts as he spoke Mandarin very well. The only thing that kept me puzzled was his Filipino looks, very common, somehow, NATIVE. Anyway, from there on, I receive emails always with a “Mabuhay!” greeting. Funny but I am not used to using that term, I don’t even know how to translate it in exact English, as my boss was nosy and asked me what it meant. I could’ve joked it meant, “I love you” only that, I am dealing with my boss in a more professional way. (Meaning, no unnecessary remarks, weird jokes and stuffs from my personal self. Professional me is different than the household me. LOL) I assume the FC Boss have known that I am Filipino from my boss. And from what I know my boss doesn’t know that FC Boss is Filipino too. I told him he is, but he absolutely said, FC Boss is Chinese. I didn...

So good to be back! My mind was so busy thinking about a life-changing decision. I have been ranting about it for weeks and put myself to deep concentration to come up with the best choice possible. After two weeks, I am back! What was it? What happened? When I least expected it, I received a call from a Major Bank here in Singapore . It was too good to be true, my dream bank. In fact, it was the reason why I came here in Singapore . I felt like I had the chance to be part of them. I went in a lot of recruitments for it, and unfortunately got ditched every time. But for me, that was just about it, I was consumed by the thrill of chasing it. It’s like colourful candies stored in a clear glass bottles, my attempt to reach it gets more challenging but every time, it’s set to a higher distance, beyond my reach. I became greedy for it. LOL To say the least, I grew challenged. I thought to myself, I have what it takes, modesty- aside,  I got the background, I got th...

Anniversary… Talked with A yesterday. She said, “P, let’s take a leave on the 8 th of Aug to mark our first anniversary here in SG” and I said, “one year… ahh! Have we become better?” She said, “of course!” Wow. Such conviction you have in there. Memories flashed… Looking back, I traded my job to something unknown. I’ve been receiving enough, getting the best benefits, having fabulous leaves where I can travel to anywhere with my good friends (who also belonged to the same company and been given the chance to be allowed altogether for a leave) and most importantly, meeting really interesting people… and then, BOOM! I chose to leap out of it. Do I have regrets? Apparently, when you’re 24, it is the time of your life when you seek for more, aim for more, imagine more… I felt there was something in store for me out of my company, like I am destined to do more, and of course, see the world beyond my horizon. What’s in the other end? 24 was a perfect time! Now at 25, ...