biggest worry

Sleepless.

I went from sleeping the whole of Saturday afternoon to sleepless on Sunday evening.

The wicked illness of Mama strikes again. Seriously, I can never get used to feeling really worried about her.

I think that working too young takes a toll on her body and manifested now that she’s quite old.

I am a daughter. I love my family more that anything else in this world. I love them all in the same intensity as I love myself. It worries me that I hear complains of pain and vomiting. I just couldn’t stop myself from thinking the worst. Please God.

The sad fact about being a small family is that, there is only a few of you who worries about each other. The gravity of a concern maximizes in a manner that isolates all the other issues in life.

My sister messaged me and told me she worries about Mama. She then told me that she is vomiting again and had fever last night. I was supposed to sleep early but I couldn’t just shake it off and prepare to bed. So I messaged her back asking how Mama is doing. I also messaged Papa and demanded an update. I waited for their SMS but I haven’t received any and it’s 12MN. I worried myself to sleep. I prayed earnestly that everything goes well. I couldn’t sleep. It’s like taking a series of nap. I am on the lookout for a beeping on my phone.

When it comes to health, I am always in a panic mode. I have witnessed a number of times when we need to rush Mama in the hospital for asthma attack. And each time, I am left paranoid. Maybe that is the reason why I am never encouraged to take up nursing. As true as it gets, being a responder in an emergency of non-family is okay. I mean, you can do your duty as professional as you can be, but when it involves a family member, I do not think I can very well function.

Friends do tell me that I have all the more reason to take up a medical-related course, but really, when I was younger I saw it in my own two eyes, the panic, the rattle, the shock, it’s just too much for me. I do not want to experience the same emotional roller coaster again and again. Lucky are those who have a very healthy family, they never experienced all that I have gone through especially in medical emergencies. I was young then, it scared the hell lot of me. And it etched in my mind. I am still scared. It will never change.

And in those moments, it never fails to make me realize how helpless we are without God. It makes me realize how short life is and how miraculous it is to still have woken up and breathe today. It never fails to make me appreciate the blessings that I receive everyday and the push to renew my life so when I meet God in person, I know I am ready too. With all my troubles, I just can’t do anything about it because my knowledge and capacity is limited but God’s love is everlasting.

I am always worried about my mother. It’s my biggest worry, if truth be told. But what can I do? I’m shaking off the feeling because I know God is bigger than all my worries and problems. I surrender it all to Him. He knows what we all deserve. He knows best and He has a great plan for each one of us. Lord, ikaw na po ang bahala.

PS Santa

Dear Santa,

I just miss you. I just miss what you represent and I miss every single one that reminds me of you. You see, I do see you a lot--- in buses, commercial ads and downtown posters but really, I just see you through my eyes and not in my heart.

Please don’t get me wrong Santa. I still believe in you. It’s just that my daily life has been taking a toll on me and whenever I hear your songs or your signature laugh, I just cannot feel you that much anymore.

Forgive me Santa as I am consumed by stress and work pressure, aggravated by the fact that I am now living in a foreign land where not many celebrates you.

I miss you Santa. I miss the feeling that you brought me in my past Christmases.

Please understand me for now Santa. I promise to make it up to you soonest.

PS. I’ll still be expecting my gift wrapped in glittery ribbons. Thanks in advance.

Love,

setbacks

I am grateful for minor setbacks because it makes me realize major details of a relationship. Friendship is not an exemption.

When I give, I give it all out. I do not hold back because I trust that the person is worthy enough of what I can offer. I do believe that I am the kind of friend who will be ready to dance in the rain with you. I don’t care if it involves the rain and FLOOD, as long as I promised to be with you, then, I will surely be there.

When I give, I do not expect anything but loyalty. And yes, perhaps I expect that all the goodness will radiate into you too. But sadly, as much as I’d like it to be free-flowing and natural, sometimes, it reaches a point when one is not willing.

Right then and there, I am brought to a major halt. Friends close, enemies closer. Do not trust too much on someone because at one point, betrayal is a curse. I am thankful though that these setbacks occur. It is for me to open my eyes and not to lose everything completely to the person I have grown to be closed to.

I do think that if I shall invest, I better invest it in my family rather than friends. Do not get me wrong. I love my friends but sometimes when you give so much, you empty yourself and you begin to wonder if any of it shall be returned back to you. And you won’t receive any. It makes you bitter.

I am reminded to take it slow. I am reminded that whatever I have, I shall not lose it in an instant just because one is too close or too concerned. There should still be that shaded part of you which shall envelope a mystery for them not to cross the line just because you are too good or too nice. A balance is good.

I don’t easily get mad. I don’t count what I’ve given; in fact, I do think giving makes me ultimately happy. But really, some people are just too good at receiving and are not willing to give back, especially to others. I do get frustrated when things don’t go out as I expect them to be but I will be okay sooner that one expects me to be.

I do forgive quite easily but I do not forget and it keeps playing on my mind like a broken record. I keep track of it. I think that when someone abuses kindness, that someone shall be dealt with accordingly. I am not mean but I could be. 

pitch black

Dark.

I looked around and I saw nothing but darkness. I am lying in bed chasing sleep. I am dead tired. My nerves are pulsing through; I can almost feel their scream rallying over my head. I tried to reposition myself, I should get some sleep.

1 AM. I saw the luminous clock beside my bed. Geez. It’s frustrating to know how I tried to go to bed early but ends up still awake in this unholy hour. Should I just get up? Maybe I can scribble some unfinished scripts or begin my abandoned diary. Perhaps, I’d just read. I’ll read until my eyes hurt and beg me to stop.

But I cannot force myself to be up. I lay there motionless watching the pitch black ceiling as if I see something. I can hear my heartbeat drowned by the snore of my roomie. Ah, she’s dreaming by now. One of those rare nights that I am on her shoe while she’s on mine. I need to sleep.

I tried counting the sheep. Closed my eyes and focused on black. I can go on and on. I heard a footstep. Then I heard the water free flowing from the faucet. So the other roomie is here now. It’s dawn. I am still struggling to find sleep.

I tried to relax. I reformed my pillow into something more comfortable. All the tensions in my muscles, I let it go. My mind wandered. Gosh! Please not now, mind. I had a tough day. I need to rest. I need to be in wild abandon. For it is only in my sleep that I lose all the inhibitions and control over my bullied self.

I am empty. I am drained--- physically, mentally and emotionally. The thing about independence is the ability to decide for or against your self. I’d like to believe that among my decisions, most of it is pro-self but I end up antagonizing every single light of hope. With this in mind, I get more drained.

What is wrong with having to fall? What is wrong with committing mistakes? Why do I get infamously down after one mistake to another? I hate it. I feel as though I am losing one streak after another. Series of unfortunate events.

Christmas is coming up. I do not feel as festive as I was in the previous Christmases. I do not know. The sad bug is lingering over me and I’m trapped in it. I pray I’d find more strength in overcoming my downs. It won’t rain forever, will it?

A beep on the clock startled me.

3AM. Gosh! This is way past my bedtime. I have an early day with a high chance of rainfall a.k.a overtime tomorrow. I need strength to go through the day. And errr… night.

When were you when I need you the most? Sleep. I am yawning at the thought. Oh wait, I yawned. This is a sign. I need to close my eyes now. No more thinking.

Dark.

numbers

TWENTY ONE.

I can only smile at the thought. I am the giddy, enthusiastic and idealistic girl.

I love how I prepped up for interviews, I love the attention. I love the thought that I am a young girl chasing her dreams, trying to make a difference in this huge world. It’s not that huge really. I love being who I am. I can brave it all and come running towards home whenever I want to.

TWENTY TWO.

I grinned at myself. There is nothing much difference. I now work in a bank. Have a source of income and spend much for myself. Savings? That’s not of the equation. I will travel whenever a promo shows itself. I will go wherever the path leads me.

TWENTY THREE.

Where are the guys at? I am beginning to think that I am a commodity for display. My travels take up most of my excitement, pretty much different from other girls my age. Smiling at the thought.

TWENTY FOUR.

For some weird reasons, I find myself, looking for more. What is on the other side of the world? When will I begin exploring? But wait, I got a good job, I have school on my list too. But really, at 30, will I ever leave this place? Will I have this chance again? I’ll close my eyes and take the flight, If I fall, I shall stand up and forget the whole thing. I am defiant. I know I am being a fool. Who cares?

TWENTY FIVE.

I indeed took the risk. The beginning is as hard as every beginning. I cannot imagine what I just did. I feel super alone. Super independent. Super homesick. I am super in most aspects. I feel as though I have turned my life 360 degrees. I love how sufficient I am. I am harbouring strong emotions, I never thought I have. I am brave enough to go on.

TWENTY SIX.

I am half amused. What did I do in the last 5 years of my life? I think I need to stop being restless. Or wait, have I made the most out of my explorations? What do I love most? What are my priorities? How do I see myself, 2 years from now? 

sow

I’ve never been a fan of parents who tolerate their kids’ beck and call especially in the malls.

I find it annoying for kids to go in tantrums whenever their wishes aren’t granted. For me, it’s the duty of the parents to let their kids learn the value of discipline.

I think that every manner and right conduct is best enforced by parents because family is the basic unit in the society and all the values should be formed well in that small group. It irks me to see kids who go wild in malls especially when they are pointing stuff to buy for them.

My parents were key disciplinarians in my time. I didn’t have the chance to even go wild because a mere pointing can subject me to my “hearing” later on. My mom would do her tiger look and I knew, right then and there that I cannot push it any further.

I believe that whenever a child grows up to be a spoiled brat, during his/ her childhood, certain qualities show when he/she reaches adulthood. I do not think these qualities are outgrown but are brought forward as a manifestation.

Why do we think that some people are greedy? Because when they were kids, they used to get what they always want. By hook or by crook.

My recent encounter with a brat happened just recently. Basing from her stories, she was an uncontained child. She bullied her tutor, her classmates and very well perfected the art of going berserk once her wishes aren’t granted. Currently, she is an adult, owning her salary in whole and getting allowances from her parents every now and then, hot-tempered and would speak ill about any body without care when one gets into her nerves. And mind you, she does have tantrums, still! At age 34, would you believe?

I don’t own that I am one of her temperamental subjects because I simply do not have the patience to deal with her. I mean, I can act nonchalant about it because she was never directly involving me into her latest issues. Plus, I cannot stand BRATS.

Also, I have come to know someone who is a big brat by beating his wife and cheating on her. What a loser! At one instance, I found the wife (who is a friend) tagging her mother-in-law, asking her how she have brought up her child as a wife-beater and a complete a**hole. Awkward!

Again, my take on this is that, most of what we are today would show how we are brought up by our parents. True, there are certain influences around us, but most often than not, we are greatly influenced by what we saw and learned growing up.

Parenthood is such a challenging role. We reap what we sow. 

got it bad

630 PM

I am patiently waiting for the MRT going to Admiralty.

3 MINS the screen shows. I grabbed my phone and browse at my photos. Smiled a little. Reminisce the days when I was in Boracay. I was 23 then. 23 and naïve. Ah, there’s nothing much difference now. Grinned at myself.

30 mins. My ride would take me thirty minutes or so before I reach home. I busied myself into the wonders of the internet. News of Yolanda flooded all over social media. I am shaking off the feeling. I opened my Ibooks and read my unfinished novel.

At some point in my journey, I stopped and savored the idea. My imagination at its best. Sad the the lady in my novel felt something for the guy but the guy never noticed. Why does it always have to be like that? I feel pity. Ah, this makes me sad. I looked around. Couples are sitting side by side. Some hugging, some leaning and others, separately open-mouthed asleep. Realities.

I lost my interest. I positioned myself comfortably in my seat and just went with my thoughts. I drifted to my past and I felt nostalgic. What if I did not take the risk? What if I stayed home? What if I told him I loved him? Scratch that.

I thought about my present, I felt utterly puzzled. Am I in a place where I should be? Am I just wasting my time? Why not fall in love? Why care too much for people who care less? Why am I sad? Why am I happy? My thoughts ran in chaos. I should not answer my questions. At least not as loud as I can other than, whenever I am in the toilet. Why, people might find me as a lunatic.

I thought about my future… why do I even worry about not having an insurance? My parents’ retirement? My solid investments? My future family? My boredom when all my adventure subsides? I felt scared, thirsty and worried about what I will become. Stop me.

715PM. The operator mentioned: reached Admiralty. Oh at least it saved me from my own misery. I walked hurriedly but as soon as I got out from the MRT station, I slowed down my pace. I want to see what beauty unfolds me.

How grateful Singaporeans should be, they have a very nice environment. If they can only realize how special they are, no floods, typhoons, earthquakes. Not in the fault line, ring of fire or most dangerous cities. Ah, some people just got it. And they got it good.

Then it occurred to me, what if while walking down the alley the water will rise, I secured my phone, Geez! It should have a battery life more than 80%, if water goes higher, what will I do? I scanned the sideways, Oh I’d run towards home but the water might reach me, so I just have to go to the nearest ladder and grab the railings. The people will panic but I shall keep calm. Do I have biscuits in my bag! Good, I have one. I’d eat one bite a day? Will I survive?

730. I was too engrossed with my idea of surviving an apocalypse I did not notice I was on the front door.

Some people got it. Some people got it bad… my memory, I forgot the door code! 

cebu

I am home for good.

I went to Cebu for reasons I do not know. I saw Rachel and she offered me and the rest to stay at their house. I grabbed the chance. Later we went to a beach, a very sunny and crowded beach with ladies all soiled up from beach volley and others, leisurely reading novels on a huge towel. Wow! Everyone seems to be having the time of their lives.

I checked my phone. Geez! I am back to my goody ‘ol ever reliable Nokia phone. I have a reception. I glanced around and I realized I haven’t talked to my family about my moving into Cebu yet.

I felt sick to my stomach. Why didn’t I inform them before packing all my bags and moving out from Singapore? I felt guilty. I felt naïve. I felt I have hurt them badly. I checked my Iphone. No connection from my past. They all went blur. I realized I haven’t even handed my resignation letter. Why did I rush things like this? I said to myself.

I was having a hard time thinking why I agreed to move out anyway. I felt confused. I told A and S that I am very much upset. I asked them if we had a conversation regarding the moving out and they confirmed we did. I was excited, that’s what they said.

I tried to remember. Was I drunk? Was I feeling depressed during that time? Did I really decide to go with them? I cannot recall. So I went back to the cabin and found myself sitting in the lounge chair. Perhaps, I’d call my boss and inform him that I will be taking a two-day emergency leave. Will he know I’m back to my hometown? Or should I just go with this and have my self AWOL-ed?

I remembered my Pass. Is it with me? Oh it is! A surge of happiness. I recalled that when we were packing last night I did not include some of my stuff. I slept early and let them pack their own stuff for moving out. A came out and told me she packed my things for me. How sweet. I said my thank you and leave her at the porch.

My head aches from trying to remember everything. Migraine. I’ve gone too far. I am still undecided. What would I do?

KRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG…

KRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG…

My alarm kicks in.

I was awoken from a deep sleep with a disoriented glance sideways, I saw nothing but darkness.

6 AM.

I stared at the ceiling with the same thoughts of puzzlement. Why was I in Cebu?

What was I thinking?

dark force

You are a mighty black warrior. You have this incredible power to strike me at my weakest.

You are an evil knight who comes in the light of distress darkening the world around me.

You are a piece of junk striving to break through all the possible angles.

Goodness!

How can I not know the likes of you from the very first time I laid my eyes on you?

How can I not see how rotten you are amidst the gorgeous face or the luscious lips?

Fine. I am the one to blame.

I am but a lonely princess. I have limited experiences to base my judgment to.

I am but a lousy little worm trying to come out as a beautiful butterfly.

Have I not achieved that stage yet?

Why do I feel cuffed to the past?

Why do I feel so chained with the thoughts of you?

I have been to hell and back the first time I heard about it.

And been to more hell each time I think about it.

But man, Why can’t just get over you?

….

bang!

Ikaw…

Ikaw ang isa sa aking mga pangarap.

Ikaw ang isa sa laman ng aking mga panaginip.

I’ve known and heard from you from so many sources. My friends do talk loudly about you and how amazing you really were.

Down with your major points: You are such a gentleman who offers more than one expects. You are an active participant where life emanates from. You are the life of the party. You are one of the joys from knowing something new. You are unique and RAW.

The time has come that I have known you personally. I’d say my experience with you was one of the most memorable moments of my life. I liked the things I see in you. I liked how transported I felt from one place to another. I like you, need I say more?

To you outer core: You are oozing with SEX appeal. You are so HOT. One that is raging with HORMONES, one look and I’d know you’re WILD. A tempter in his own right.

What do I love about you? I love that I get to be adventurous when I am with you. I love that I get to be experimental with you. I can be a vixen and an innocent little angel at the same time. I can be a princess in distress and a roaring tigress. I can be me without having to doubt whether you’ll love me or hate me.

I love how dynamic you are. How experienced and knowledgeable you are of the things around you. You are a liberal, no doubt. You love to see things beyond perspectives and initiate innovations. You don’t care what they say, you are confident of who you are.

I miss you every single day. There’s so much about you that draws out the deeper me. I am grateful I’ve got to be with you. Even for a little time, even for a short notice and even without much deliberation.

I want you back, Bangkok! J

you and I

So I was lobbying facebook and got bored. I was tempted to open up my archives and yes, I found our conversations in an instant. I tried to read back and saw how it never worked out. You and I.

You and I… we both are too much to handle. You and I … we both don’t have the focus on things and each time, I end up with a “haha” for lack of better thing to say. You and I… we’re sporting a player look, noncommittal and seemingly interested for the present. Not long term.

I groan at a thought. At one point, I was like a drag queen. What was I thinking? Telling you to talk to me once you’re off the hook?! Seriously?! Gosh! I feel as though my toes do sank up to my neck, my pride slowly going with it. Goodness!

But between the horrendous lows and terrible lies, I am proud that I was able to steer away from going lower. I beamed up the chance to shine no matter how hurtful it all went. I veered towards achieving self-gratification more than what you can offer. Now, I’m back on my toes, flat on the ground with a chances of simultaneous takeoff, leap after leap.

I lost you. What’s worst than losing someone who meant the world to you. Or so I thought? What’s worst than investing emotions to a wrong subject and ending up feeling lost too? I could go on and on. All the hurt, all the pain, God! I can never imagine living with that lifetime after lifetime.

But hey, I survived. Past the phase of feeling down just because I lost all the possible chances. I’ve come to realize how magical the feeling is, yet it has the power to crash you. Thus, it is so important to learn to love yourself more than those who offer love to you. When everything fails, you love yourself enough to carry on.

You and I… seemed really promising. At one point, I thought you could be the one. You and I…

Never happened.

really

So here I am sitting at the office, wondering why the sudden rush of emotions came over me.

Last night was wine night and some major chika with friends; I woke up late for work today. Boo!

Conversations with friends in the wee hours of the morning with a familiar tingling of wine in one’s throat just provoke a deeper sense of reason. That moment when you talk low in a dark night and just let the rush of emotions come by is something wonderful. RAW.

If there’s one thing that I intentionally changed about being me is that fact that I now synthesize what I say. Sometimes a reaction is just a reaction for the sake of reacting because you had to edit out very strong feelings involved in it. Just to join the bunch.

There are certainly moments that I feel as though I am not being true to myself, by keeping my thoughts rather than saying it. I do have different ideas than the rest, and if I could just react to something the way I wanted it, it would be as true as I am. Sadly, there are certain instances that require silence. There are countless of times that I dare not speak so I won’t hurt someone or even yet, be misconstrued by people who don’t have the keen listening skills.

Which brings me to an idea… in a relationship, where the couples do try their best to do good and bring in efforts to remain as clean as they are in most eyes, Are they really true to themselves?

I have encountered a good friend’s facebook status with the words “I am tired of always being good, it takes my happiness away” (of something of that sort) I came to a point of realization… Are we really being true to ourselves?

Take for example; I am surrounded by good-natured people who bring out the best among their friends. I know I am a good girl too but there are some instances when I feel pressured to do exactly just that. Like, I cannot commit a mistake? I cannot make wrong decisions? I am stupid for acting on impulse? I do not know if you get what I mean but really… it’s just, I don’t know… boring?

More so, I have episodes whereby most of my remarks on a certain subject differ from their opinion. It makes me feel like a villain. But how can you be condemned from blurting what you really think is? How can you be tagged as evil when really, you were just being true?

Sometimes, being with the good ones feels like being suppressed because you have to live up to expectations to an extent. I am not purely evil, but I am not too good to be true. There are a number of glitches encumbered upon my soul. I just don’t want to feel too pressured by hitting the mark even though there are times that I feel like going out of the line.

I am not a prude or ultra-mega righteous. I just want to live life the way I want it to. Rules are rules but it is fun to break them sometimes and it’s challenging to chase them one after another.

I don’t know if you get me anyway, but this is about it. I am keeping it real. Blame it to the wine?

XOXO,

too much thoughts will kill me

Responsibilities.

Big word. It’s quite scary.

Yeah I know we all go through that, at some point in our lives, we do need to assume roles because it is what growing up is all about. But sometimes, these thoughts about roles do scare me. Big time.

My sister’s father-in-law just had an Angioplasty operation done. It is a medical procedure referring to the unblocking of the veins of the heart (not quite sure medically). That certain operation is offered only in Manila and thus, my brother-in-law flew into Manila to support his father.

So then, I asked my sister “how much does it cost for this operation?” My sister replied, “perhaps 800K to a million plus”. My goodness! Certainly, health is everyone’s wealth. I just can’t imagine…

My stubborn mind has gone to the Alps and back. Again. I hate to think about it and have stopped myself from doing so but… I don’t think I could afford an operation like that. Mentally computing, my brother-in-law has got three more siblings so the cost might have chipped them off more or less 300k each. God forbid, my sister and I… we’re only 2! Surely, we cannot afford 600k each.

Because of my stupid thoughts, I lay in bed motionless, staring at the ceiling and then and there, I felt depressed. I felt as if, there’s no way to survive. You know, most often that not, your strengths are pretty much your weaknesses. I just can’t imagine.

These thoughts rob out the best of me. Seriously, I am not afraid for myself; I can die a sudden death and would be much more pleased than slowly dying in the hospital with the hair falling off. But who can choose their illnesses? Or cause of death for that matter? One thing that scares me off the edge is the thought about my parents. My separation anxiety comes back each time I think of them.

To calm my senses, I always do a lot of reflection. My realization is this: we are all helpless. We are all just living a borrowed life, and when our creator wants it back, who are we not to succumb? I am praying though that even if future seems blurry and seemingly scary, we’ll come out of it proud to have lived our life the way God wants us to be.

I get this vibe that I am creating my own misery. This is a part of me that I wanted to get away from. I am getting crazy. Ugh.

break is all i need

Roll out the red carpet to CHANGI airport, I am gonna have a trip soonest!

Where is a break when you need one? No where. We have to make time for it. Do an effort to schedule a leave no matter what. BY HOOK OR BY CROOK.

The best thing about being able to travel is the ability to break the routine. Sometimes, things can really get to your nerves and you’d look in a mirror and see your reflection, you ask yourself, AM I STILL 26?

My career life is so stressful I can die of it in midday. Lunch time is a huge factor for me to breathe; otherwise, I’d go nuts in no time. Yeah, I have a very demanding job that I do love and hate in the same intensity. I always need a break. It is THAT important to me.

I’ve said this before, my greatest joy in life is to see my parents travel along with me. It gives me the satisfaction that they are enjoying their lives after all the hurdles in the past.  If I were 100x richer, I know it would be easy, but do I have time then?

Sadly, for this travel, I will be travelling with friends (not with ‘em). I’ve been eyeing to travel to this destination for so long. My mum told me “you take care of yourself, your belongings, be vigilant” while my dad told me “stay safe, it might be like too chaotic, watch out for yourself” Ahhh… things have never changed. I still get that quite a lot whenever I go to places. Parents! J

Anyway, it’s a sleep away. I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it, see you Mario! J

older

Getting old!

I wonder why there are terrible moments that I wake up and feel obnoxiously down. That feeling that never goes away no matter how hard I shake myself up. It’s creeping right through me and eating me alive.

I feel a certain sense of melancholy. I used to love melancholic strolls in the mall to think and reflect about major details of my future decisions. I used to enjoy being alone and getting my thoughts straight so when I come home, I know I’ve already made a concrete decision. But lately, melancholy doesn’t appeal me anymore. I feel bored and sad. I feel empty and down.

Hormones, they say, can make a sweet, angelic woman to a tiger in distress. But seriously, I do get distressed every time. I feel as though I am wasting a time of my life wherein I could be with any body. I feel as though I will regret not giving in to some new things that I fear I would not conquer. Ever.

There are episodes when I feel lying the whole day. But In the end, I’d die of boredom. When you’re single (and not seeing anyone), it just makes you feel sick. There’s this bond that I am craving to gratify. You know, normal ladies my age, would go date as if there’s no tomorrow. Most ladies my age would really party till dawn and work early the day after. I am not one of them. I’d love to but my body cannot endure too much stress and fatigue, my heart cannot take it too.

I am vintage. I am an old soul. I am renaissance. Seriously, sometimes I get tired of being me. I don’t know. I just feel as though I am too engrossed to following what I think is right even if it means standing up alone. I am too consumed by my own wonders that I do forget there are far more interesting people out there, waiting to be noticed, met or have drinks with. I just go with the same people, be friends with the same old ones, not bothering to add up a few, eat the same shit and go to the same freaking place. Same old same old. It makes me feel as though I am a hamster busying herself to the same circle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

My path… I am afraid I am going towards the righteous-cum-boring-cum-old-maid-with-own-world path. I hate it. There’s gotta more to life that this, something that makes me feel double or triple excited. Something that makes me giggle as if I am still sixteen and perhaps something that makes my heart melt. Right now, I just felt nil. Strange. Floating. Ugh.

But what to do? Ahhhh… getting old is okay… but growing old ALONE, is never on my menu. Haist!

packages

While I know for sure that money cannot buy me love, it’s amazing to know how blessing comes in different packages.

Growing up, my eyes were opened to realities. My father is one hard-working man who seems to have the diskarte to fulfill the ends’ meet, why, it was him, who is solely our bread and butter while Mama stays at home full time to watch and guide us.

At home, we were trained to do chores (yun nga lang, I suck at it). My parents instilled in us the value of education more than anything else. I remembered one time… our neighbour asked my mom why she wants her kids to be enrolled in a private school when in the future, same lang daw lahat yan basta grumaduate. My mom would smile and say, I think my children deserve the best of what we can offer. And yes, I was so young then but when I heard that, I promised myself not to let my mother be down.

My dad is the breadwinner. My mom is the breadkeeper. She would do all the budgeting right after receiving the amount in full. I can vaguely remember, whenever I ask for extra allowance my mom would let me sit in so she can illustrate how my dad’s salary flows. Then she would ask me, “what is more important, school or extra activities?” then I’d sigh in resignation. I know where the discussion ends.

My parents were strict when it comes to house rules. One time, I told them that I would go attend a seminar for the Rovers Society. It was one rainy night. Right after the seminar, my friends and I have decided to go to the mall to wait for the rain to stop before we go home. Sadly, my mom and dad went to the venue of the seminar and found me nowhere, when I came home, I was greeted by my ate and she told me the parents were furious because I was not home as promised. When mom and dad got home, I got a major award!

Love can wait, they said. It was okay for me since I know I have a goal to achieve and a boyfriend can never understand why I act the way I do. I felt like I can’t afford to just choose someone just because I wanted to have one.

Looking back, I can say that my parents just wanted us to be what we want to be in the future. Perhaps, someone who came from the ordinary to someone who goes after their dreams no matter what. My mom would tell me, “since you are still under our wings, do as what we say, it’s for your own good. Once you graduate, you can do whatever you please.” And true to her words, when I graduated, I was able to go after what I want.

I am proud that I have very supportive parents who scolded and punished me for my wrong doings, who guided me to choose options wisely and who keeps on reminding me to stay grounded.

Sure we don’t have earthly possessions to boot or a huge house to show off. In fact, we have one residential home built inside a village which is narrow and chaotic. But we keep it to ourselves that we ain’t spending more than we can afford. And because of that, I have learned to value any single thing made or given to me.

I am blessed.

free for all

It takes a lot of courage to pull your self together. It takes a lot of faith to survive a single day. It takes a lot of love to continue living.

You see, it is very difficult to be who we are. It is difficult to assume a role that you would carry through no matter what happens. It is hard to continue rowing despite the harsh winds and rueful waves. But why do we seek out to proceed? Why do we go through it all when we know for sure that everything ends?

Despite the challenges and the little triumphs, we know it all fades. Whatever we have, we own it. Temporarily. So why do we aim to get more when we do know how fickle this life is? A taste of the air up above will never equal to the polluted wind I keep on breathing in most of my life. But I proceed to nurture life…

Perhaps, we’re made this way. We do have an idea where or how it ends yet we’re thrilled to go beyond what we know. Eager for surprises that would make us smile or be weary.  Between the points A and E-nd, there is a series of points for which we call LIVING. We are defining every moment of those points; those points define us in return.

 A good friend once confessed, “…if God would want to take me now, I’d be willing.”

HOPELESSNESS… the true meaning of life is not on how willing we are to let go of what is borrowed but on how we fought to make the borrowed, meaningful.  

We all go through certain phases. We can never compare our own tough times with others’. To be able to wake up and get through the day, no matter how we’re feeling is an achievement. Day by day, it is a challenge to grow. To develop a certain stand on stability and security.

We can never be accustomed to being weak just because we thought of ourselves as WEAK from the very beginning. The more we know and accept what we have and what we don’t is already a tool to determine how we want ourselves to be driven by. “I AM WEAK” yet we aren’t weak enough to take it slowly. One BABY step at a time. Who cares if there are more pauses than the steps? As long as we don’t stop.

We don’t live alone. We are not the center of the universe. Ourselves… should never be centered to our own feelings, thoughts and ideas. Why, the more we take notice of our own, the less chance to see what surrounds us. We lose sight of the things that make us appreciate what we are blessed with because we associate negativity more than positivity.

Who says life is easy? No one did.

So if we look closely, we do have an idea that nobody is guaranteed a stress/ pain/ etc- free life. We all have our own battles for which we either brave to conquer or run away to escape. We all have our own monsters hidden beneath the dark space underneath our beds or intricately designed closets. We all have our own burdens to carry very heavily or lightly. We all experience the same pain and sacrifices depending on the degree of intensity.

Nobody is exempted.

But the bigger question is, why would you want to end it without giving it a real fight? Why would you want to be stepped down when you can pull right back it and bite it as hard as you can? What do we need?

COURAGE. FAITH. LOVE.

ninang

Ninang!

So one of my best girls whatsapped and told me, I am one of the ninangs. I’m glad!

She’s having a baby and I am truly happy for her. Not everyone is given the chance to conceive. Sadly. It’s just amazing that someone close to you, been part of you since time immemorial is finally extending herself to her little one. Wow.

Gone are the days when we’d think about our crushes and girly giggles every time a cute boy passes by. Time has come na we get to assume responsibilities and not just those easily ignored ones, like those that your parents tell you to do but it just enters one ear and exits to the other.

So it occurred to me, I am having so much fun. I am in the time of my life where I can do whatever I please. At 26, I feel as though I am just beginning to live my life. Parang ngayon ko pa na try yung mga things that most of my age are done with. Late bloomer? Definitely!

I would assume that I get to be the last to wed or to give birth although, God knows how much I wanted to have a baby na. When it comes to relationships, I get to be too safe. I don’t want to invest. I get bored. I get disinterested after a couple of conversations. I have so many reasons. I don’t get high in meeting new guys. Why? No one interests me. For now. Hopefully, not for long.

Maaaring di ko pa nga nahanap yung someone for me. Maaaring di pa ngayon. Siguro ‘cause I have so many activities and yes, selfish pa. The world revolves around yourself that you think about your own benefit, own comfort, own convenience. Lahat, selfie pa.

But the beauty about having the time of your life is the satisfaction that you have actually lived. There are so many experiences, so many new things, whole new adventures and you get to try them all. Under your terms, your discretion, your rules. Nice!

Then the friend told me, so ready na ninang ha? Of course! I am so much ready. I’ve ninanged so many already. I’m used to the drill. And maybe someday, after everything, I would be the one to invite naman others to ninang my princess. There’s no way I’d get to be... always the ninang never the mother. In time…

Poor me

Dang it!

Sleepless night last night. There are just so many things running around my mind and I was trying to process them all at once. Needless to say, I miserably failed.

One, I recently talked to a very good friend and we discussed about my Loser life. I hate to say this but I really don’t want to hear the big loser comments. It makes me uncomfortable as hell. I think that we all deserve a chance to experience something within ourselves and that it should not be pre empted with words of advice. Although I do love her with all my heart, but really, sometimes the topic makes me really off and pathetic. Note to self: NEVER talk about it as much as possible.

Two, I thought about you. Yes, the two of you. I began to think of the what-ifs and what-nots. How can I possibly entertain your thoughts when clearly I am out of the picture? I hate it. Super.

Okay, guilty as charged, I intentionally visited your page and I felt the most idiotic state of missing you. Why can’t I just shut you off and move on with my fabulous life? Hay. It’s a pattern of nonsense.

Three, I thought about my missed chances. Especially the one chance that would answer my questions. The one chance that I would open my door up and see how the ball rolls down from there. The one special chance to feel like I have a new life. Finally.

Four, I thought about my path. I know that I am in a curvy path, I can choose to use this as an opportunity to get to my dreams sooner than expected but I can also take a minute to look around me and just enjoy the fresh breeze fanning my face. Where would this life take me? Where would I be months or years from now? Clueless.

Five… And we’re back to number two. I am torn between wanting you and forgetting you and the latter seems to be the ideal. Believe me, I’ve done so many measures on how to move on without looking back. I’ve done mental notes of sorts to make you the worst monster you could possibly be. But why does it always have to be coming back to me much stronger? Shoving you off my life has been a mission I again and again fail. I would prepare myself for the grand announcement. (although I am not sure how to take it.)

At the end of it all, I am vulnerable. I am consumed by my fears and disappointments. I am never drenched with all the pain and sacrifices that I’ve been through. It still hurts. And although, I’ve been keeping it neat and low, It still occurs to me… I need something that goes beyond the realm of materialism. I need something that makes me live this life up without thoughts of regrets. I need something that makes me wake up to a day with hope and happiness that I am mutually love and respected.

In short, I need LOVE!

(epekto sa kababasa ng novels)

the vow

Level up.

I recently went home for a week-long vacation. Again, I found a lot of changes around me. Why, Davao has become crowded, smaller and probably hotter!

Notwithstanding the schedule of meeting friends, I found time to be alone, wandering around the mall as my thoughts drowned me. (Just like the old days) So I went to look for clothes that I fancy, perhaps I can buy quite a few pieces, as plain and simple as I’d like my shirt to be, I was surprised it costs as much as 15 dollars. Seriously?!

So I told Pop, I don’t think the equilibrium of the salary and the goods here is fair. How are malls supposed to survive? People don’t loan just to buy stuffs, right? (or atleast not me),  then Pop told me, “that’s because you’re so kuripot. Everything looks expensive to you” and I was like “oh well… haha. It’s not easy to earn money” then Pop told me, “now you know!”

Seriously, if I was to earn around 20K in a month, I still have to pay taxes, monthly bills, groceries, obligatory tuition fees, etc; I’d be able to save less than 1k a month. Poor me!

What happens if I bum around? Nothing happens. I’d just be at home facebooking all day with mama’s mouth in the background. (That, I can never imagine myself!)

Then my thoughts took me to my decision to bid goodbye to Singapore. Am I ready to the max? Can I leave my nakasanayang lifestyle over what, the old life? Am I thinking in progress?

Then I came up with an idea… I guess I have to push my luck someplace else.

Davao will always be home for me. Regardless of the flood and the early bedtime, Davao is my comfort. It will never change. But I guess, at this point in time, I can’t imagine being home and doing nothing. Just not yet.

My city has far evolved into a metropolis. Not in full bloom but it is getting there. When I go to a mall before, I’d always find myself nodding and smiling at someone I know. Now, when I go to malls, there are just too many people. Strange and unfamiliar. Even in the confines of our village, it feels weird to see kids who’ve grown up and you forgot who they were ‘cause all you can remember are those kids who run and catch each other from the yesteryears.

People’s taste have levelled up. Luxury items are now found in Davao’s malls. Manila and Cebu-based restaurants now come in a handy. International stores go in line. It became an ordinary sight.

I feel new in an old place. Two years have changed me from feeling familiar to feeling like a tourist. Sounds airy right? But really. It makes me feel as though I don’t know much about the place anymore. There were shops that have gone closed. (I was excited pa naman to come back and just chill there)

And yes, my friends and probably batch mates, are not in Davao anymore. Most of us are in abroad and quite a few have moved to other regions. Those friends who stayed, they’re aiming to leave Davao too. While they are planning to go out, I am planning to move back, how uncool is that?!

Anyway, I left “the vow” to Davao. Someday, I’d get to fulfill it, I do hope and pray. It’s time for me to level up too! :D

shut me up

I love you!

Words I’ve been longing to say and hear just the same. But every time, I just feel disappointed and disheartened. Boo!

Frankly, there are days when I feel so empty and alone. Those freaking days that make me miss someone who I never should. Then, I look around at people, friends who seemed too solid to be single are those same friends who are now attached. Really?!

I am not closing my doors. I am opening my eyes to the changes around me but most often than not, I am not prepared to let someone enter my life. Why? Fear. For some reasons, I fear that I may not maintain the relationship. I fear about my expectations (or lack of it). I fear about what I need to do and what I do not. It’s obviously a matter of being scared to invest and going down the drain after everything.

I know. I know that it sounds well too idealistic and believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to like someone who persistently bugs me but interest, oh well, if I am not interested, it will never work. I’ve tried to meet new people. I’ve tried to be more sociable. I’ve tried almost to be someone I am not. All of the above never worked out. Obviously.

Am I complaining? Partly yes. Call me jealous but I certainly was flabbergasted upon knowing that a good friend is already in a relationship. Not the kind of jealous that makes me want him for myself. Never. I am jealous in a way that HE actually were able to open himself despite the hot mess he’s made in the past. I thought I had a “kakampi”. I thought he was my solid single counterpart. I felt left out.

This might be way too unprecedented but I am just being true. Sometimes, your thought just haunts you that every morning, you’d take a shower and just think about how boring and cold your love life has become. I thought I was promising, what the hell!

Anyway, we each have our own struggles. Not that mine is a struggle that includes life and death. But too often than not, the more I deny about how I really feel at the moment, the more I feel bitter and confused about what I am experiencing.

Geez! Am I pathetic? Allow me to be one, once in a while. J

vintage

1963 BUICK SKYLARK

So… I’ve been really eyeing vintage cars sold online. Not that I can afford, but it thrills me to know that there are still those old car models built at around the 50s or later that have been kept in the garage. Where else? Philippines!

(I am a huge HISTORY geek. Thanks to History channel for providing me interesting facts. I loved how time evolved, what happened back in the days and how come things are what they are now. Surely, it has a past, worth telling and knowing.)

I am awed at old cars. I saw one in Fullerton hotel. I did not get the model but I think It’s probably built at around 1920s. super old. The ones that have spare tire at the back. I couldn’t help but be mesmerized. Beautiful!

Perhaps… if I were 100x richer, I probably know what my hobby is. My friends would tell me I like boy stuffs, but really… it excites me more than makeup ands heels. Duh! Don’t get me wrong, I am not against these girly stuffs but I just don’t think it’s appropriate to stereotype WOMEN as having to be bounded to bags, shoes etc. We deserve a percentage in the woman’s population; those who love electronics, cars, vintage stuffs raise the roof! I am quite sure I am not the only one! haha

Anyway, I saw this car online it was painted blue. The rear doesn’t look a bit pleasing although the seats were so-so. Then I thought, wow! I’d like to have this car. I want to have a project car for which I would restore its grandeur slowly or perhaps to have me busy. Then I saw the price, and I was computing mentally, I thought I can afford it.

I immediately asked Manang how much did her car’s transportation cost from Manila to Davao is… she told me it was 23K but I found out, it depends on the model, the weight and some minor details. It’s possiblle! My mind went over excited, adrenaline rushed in.

I got too excited. I contacted the seller. I imagined a lot of repairs already. Perhaps, it would be a major overhaul. I’ll have it repainted in pearly white. And revive the wheels like those of an early American era. Fantastic!

I told my sissy about my plan and she laughed at me. Gosh! I am serious! I have never been so passionate about something, just now. Perhaps because, I know I wanted it more than I want anything else. I can imagine driving it around Davao. Cool ride, huh?

I checked my email again today… I haven’t got any reply. Awww too bad. But once I receive a bit of message from the seller, I’ll blog it up! Excited aren’t we? ^^

settled

Are you free on August 2014?

I knew it! Friends… are tying knots. Of course, for the love of Hogwarts, I’d be there. I won’t miss a best friend’s wedding! Not when that someone you’ve known since you were both mud-bathed from playing high jump, tigso or Chinese garter.

How time flies so fast, the last time I can vividly remember of having my best friends complete was when we were in Freshmen College. Young, eager and has the world within our reach. Almost ten years have passed, distance made an impact. News of engagements, wedding without further ado, pregnancy without much deliberation and yet, another wedding flash before my very eyes.

I’m getting the hang of things. Facebook kept me updated with the latest relationship statuses. And at one point, I wondered, how come the only constant in this world is change and my relationship status?

No, I’m not sour-graping, it’s just a thought that I’d love to have a solid answer with. As with regards to my bestfriends, I am very much happy that they have finally figured out what they want to do with their lives, that is, being a wife and a loving mother at this point in time. I am happy that we have reached this point, albeit the stress of our professions and the demands of the practical world, love moved them to settle down.

A new role, a new life, a set of new challenges, a far cry from the younger version of ourselves. We now have quite a huge set of responsibilities.  I am excited that life unfolds too slowly for me. It makes me feel as if I am the last unicorn. HAHA

Kidding aside, If there’s anything, of course I wish all of them the desires of their hearts. Marriage is a big word. Far too many words are associated in that one solid word. It is a life-long commitment, something that’s too serious to be a joke. Or perhaps, that’s what I thought.

My parents always tell me, NEVER rush. Marriage is a decision that covers much of your future. You just don’t decide in haste.

And maybe that’s the reason why I never rush in finding a lover. It covers not just my future but my present, more importantly.

August 2014? I think I would be a full-time davaoena by then. ^^