deadly

Terrorist.

Sometimes talaga may mga taong kung mangterrorize sa iba, akala nila sila lang ang magaling. Minsan, sobrang nakaka sad lang kasi yung taong tineterrorize nila, hindi nalang umiimik para walalng gulo, walang problema. To maintain the harmony sa loob ng opisina.

I've been working my ass right after college graduation. Siguro, swerte lang talaga ako sa mga boss ko noon. Or maybe, kasi willing naman talaga akong matuto sa mga ins and outs of the business. Or maybe mas compassionate lang talaga sila compared sa kung ano at sino ang meron ako ngayon.

I am not saying naman na sobrang terorista ng mga colleagues ko now, but siguro nasanay lang akong di pinapakialaman sa mga tasks ko sa opisina. I work with minimum supervision. I work with autonomy. Ayaw ko yung may nakabantay sa likod ko habang ginagawa ko ang tungkulin ko, Una kasi, nakakaconscious, Pangalawa, if you believe in my potential you should know that I get things done as fast and accurate as possible.

Banking taught me that. Na dapat di nakocompromise ng speed ang accuracy at source. And most especially, na hindi nakocompromise ang integrity for something as shallow as the money.

Anyway, Yun nga, I hate na pinapakialaman ako. I hate being bossy and demanding. I hate that I am always bossed around, as if naman akala mo kung sinong magaling. I believe in courtesy. Kaya siguro ayaw na ayaw ko yung mga bossy is because nata touch yung ego ko. Nakakamenos ng pagkatao.

Aminado naman ako na I have this big bulge of ego going around my head. But as much as possible I am equally aminado na sensitive ako na I won't boss around. That’s why, I’m used to do my own thing kasi sinisikap ko kayanin ng mag isa than to ask help or worse, boss around to get things done. Super hate it! I did not study so hard just to kiss people’s asses. Ganun yung iniisip ko.

Kakainis lang din yung ginagawa kang stupid. Yung may magdare na bibilugin ka just to get what they want. How convenient nga naman for them, luring you into something, thinking you won’t know the real purpose. At sino naming niloko ng unggoy na yun? Ako?? (Oh come on! I won’t be called leader ng rugby girls 2000 for nothing!) Pero di nga, if you want to get what you want, get it by yourself; don’t use someone for your greater advantage. As if naman di ko ma knows yung real purpose. (You’re underestimating a former gang leader my dear!)

Sabi ko nga, as much as possible, I don’t really bark. I give in, I consider, I am an autonomous leader. I believe in liberty. But don’t cross the line. You won’t see me angry in an instant but that doesn’t mean I don’t get angry at all. I can be very mean and heartless if I want to. Lalo na pagsobra na. I don’t tolerate and allow people making me feel incapable and inferior.

Stop terrorizing people. Especially those people you feel like bullying kasi mahina or mas timid kesa sayo. Those very people might shock the hell out of you. You will never know. A cobra doesn’t hiss as much as an ordinary python, don’t provoke it. You might get what you’re asking for. And it’s gonna be deadly.

Gone

There goes the circle of life, someone has gone home. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this. I don’t think I’ll ever learn how to take goodbyes smoothly. Told you, I’m so bad at being left. It scares and pains me big time.



Anxiety Attack. I remembered, when in kindergarten, every time Mama sends me off to school, she’ll go with me up to my classroom. And every time I sat down, I didn’t want here to leave me. I am busy looking for her and every time I don’t see her, I go out of the classroom and yells out her name, if I found out, she already went home, I always end up crying my heart out.

I was that kid. That kid who got the loudest cry. That kid with Mama staying at school. When I think about it now, it was a rather funny. It’s as if I am being left to a desert with no one to be with. And looking at me now, I think I have come a long, long way from that same kid.

But I thought wrong. I have just grown up, years of experience taught me how to fight, how to survive, how to remain calm, how to appear strong even though my heart is breaking into pieces. But In me is that same kid enveloped by anxiety. Anxious of being left by, left out and left behind.



I hate it when people have to go and I’ve got nothing left to do but to wait for such a time that they actually say goodbye. I hate that I have to remain completely okay even though I am breaking down inside. I hate that I have to be happy for them by showing it even I’m feeling sad about the whole thing.

I guess I would never learn to really convince someone to stay because on the first sign of goodbye, I always end up telling them to go after what they want. I don’t think I ever learn how to make someone stay because I seem to convince them to go instead. Because for me, a decision such as leaving is a heavy one, and I am quite sure someone has to spent sleepless nights to finalize the said decision.

When someone shares that she’s going, I always end up asking when instead of why. I think that Life is too short to waste even a minute of it on things that make you sad, so if leaving is the only way to make someone happy, then I will gladly oblige to support her.

Seriously, I hope and pray that every decision I make myself, is something that’s meant to happen. If going seems to be so appealing and would make someone’s life happier, then so be it. Besides, what I feel is just a tip of the iceberg from what that someone is feeling every time she goes.

So sail on and good luck in your journey towards home!

Leonidas

Leonidas.

Siya ay isang Spartan King na sobrang bongga ang ability to duel. Yung fighting skills nya, ibang level. Nakakabilib kasi since bata, yun talaga yung pinaghuhusay nila, Military Skills.

I got hooked during the holidays, napanood ko sa History Channel yung about sa mga Spartans. Di ko na sight yung Movie na 300, kasi nga ayoko yung sobrang bloody na movie. Parang nakakadepress lang kasi the more ko naiisip na ang mga tao ay foolish, nagpapatayan para sa wala. So yun nga, since wala naming work for three days, nascan ko sa tv yung about kay Leonidas at sa mga Spartans in general.


The Spartan elders play a key role to the society, kasi di lang sila yung parang congress na nagsesession to make a law, sila din yung may say if ang isang new born baby boy ay “fit” sa kanilang society. Like if ever man na yung anak mo ay may disability, tinatapon nila sa parang basurahan and is left to die. Kasi yung baby, does not belong to his parents, or not fit to live para sa sarili but for the state. O diba bonggang cruelty?


Di lang din Spartan boys ang with great power and strength, pati din yung Spartan mothers. Sinesend nila yung boys nila at 7 years old to a training. Yun yung training na parang 10 years ata yung duration, military combat talaga yung sinasanay. At 7, ang mga batang ito, tinuturuan na maging matapang at able talaga to fight. They are gathered and meron silang official na nagtetrain. Isang Spartan adult na magaling sa combat. They fought among themselves. Kahit mga bata, no holds bar, if istrangle, strangle the enemy to death. Kid power.

They are also encouraged to fight against their trainor. Like if they’re being hit to the core, they should fight back. Sinisipa, Jinojombag, strangled, and nilalatigo ng bonggels, no holds bar ang adult, dapat makaligtas ang bagets. Sociologists believe na dysfunctional yung society ng Spartans, but Spartans strongly believe na each one of them are for the state. Iaalay mo ang buhay mo para sa victory nito.

When these kids reach teenage years, mas nagiging rigid yung training, yung patayan kung patayan. Di pwedeng lalamya lamya. Yung final test nila, bibigyan sila ng task, parang bahay lang ni kuya, kelangan successful talaga sa mission or else, alam na kung ano ang mangyayari. Leonidas’ test was to strangle a slave to death. Basta dapat mapatay nya talaga at nagtagumpay naman sya. By then, pwede na syang isabak sa bakbakan at panlulupig, pangkoconquer ng colony. Again, yung role ng Spartan mothers, isesend off yung anak with the shield na sobrang laki. Yung shield na yun may ibig sabihin, it’s either you use your shield towards being victorious or gagamitin ang shield sayo para matransport ang dead body mo pauwi.

Imagine mo yun? Yung mga mommies ng Sparta, tanggap na nila kung anuman ang kapalaran ng mga warrior na anak. They believe in tough love. Na the only way to survive is to fight. Even them, they know military combat techniques. Di basta basta ang mga Spartan bebot, Fierce!

Minsan, nakausap ni Leonidas ang oracle, kasi pinapatulong sya ng isang bayan against sa fight nito with Persia, at sabi ng oracle, dapat may isasakripisyong someone para sa triumph ng Sparta. Akala ni leonidas siya yun, pinag isipan nyang mabuti, hanggang sa nakadecide ang lolo mo na tumuloy sa giyera. Nagselect sya ng 300 finest men, lahat yun skilled at experienced, (besides sa lahat yun fabulous ang body). Sabi nya, willing syang isakripisyo ang sarili para sa progress ng Sparta. Ibang klase. Sa mga combat nya, sya yung kataas taasang leader na nasa unahan ng linya sa giyera. Alam mo yung, kung ikaw ang kalaban, alam na alam mo kung sino yung unang tatargetin at matatagpuan lang din sya hindi sa hulihan o sa gitna ng batallion kundi sa frontline. Kakabilib.

Nafafascinate ako sa type of mindset na meron sila. Lalo na talaga sa mothers, Sobrang sakripisyo para sa state na pati anak mo, dapat talaga ibigay. Hay, naisip ko, Thank God! Salamat talaga at di ako nabuhay nung panahon nila, gustuhin ko man na magkaroon ng kahit konti sa kanilang prominent nose, dashing looks plus a body to die for and extreme strength, di ko type mabuhay sa giyera.

Pero di nga, may point is, sa modern day na kinasadlakan natin, di na uso yung itataya ang buhay talaga sa pakikidigma kung pwede namang makuha sa diplomasya. Yung atin lang, sana maadapt natin yung pagmamahal sa bayan na meron sila.

Kahit sana di magbuwis or isend ng sobrang rigid military combat ang ating mga punongbayan, Sana naman, yung pagmamahal sa bayan through pagiging honest at matapat sa tungkulin, yun nalang. Di na sana maging corrupt at oportunista. Mukhang imposible pero malay naman natin, may reporma, may pagbabago para sa ikabubuti ng marami. at progress ng state. yung totoo.

Sana. Sana lang. Kahit yung work ethics lang ni lolo Leonidas :)))

Mansion

You already.

I was watching Kris TV last night, at fineature yung bahay ni Kim Chiu. Grabe. Sobrang ganda, malawak at bongga.


Naman! Naisip ko 21 lang si Kim Chiu, yung iba buong retirement fee na for 25 to 45 years na nga, di talaga maafford yung ganun. Ang iba nga kahit isang bag dun na nakadisplay di pa rin umaabot equivalent to a retirement. Kaloka.

Sometimes, nakakainggit lang. At a young age, may ganun na property na. Bakit nga ba di ko nalang pinursue yung pag aartista? Kahit ba bold, papatulan ko na (kung mangangarap lang naman). Pero di nga, sobra sobra kasi yung pera pag ganun, ang laki ng bahay, ang laki ng maintenance.

Which brings me sa topic na napag usapan naming kagabi ng housemate ko. What I liked about the house is the high celing plus yung stairs na kahoy na small steps lang na di nakakapagod umakyat. Yung iba dun, gaano man kaganda, di ko na type.

Financial-wise, ang hirap imaintain ng malaking bahay. Kuryente pa lang nun monthly, work hardest talaga kasi di biro yung bills plus kukuha ka pa ng househelp talaga. Di pwedeng wala kasi sa laki nun, lupaypay ka sa paglilinis. Tapos to maintain the grand appeal, may kaakibat na costs yun, sa glass windows pa lang, wipe wipe ka ng glass cleaner, ilang windows yun? Tapos yung paint, di pwedeng di irerepaint kahit every 5years. Yung tiles, tuklap ang isa, papalitan agad. Same with the pool, unless resort ka at may income dun.

Kung iisipin, you need to earn a lot to suffice the costs. Eh pag artista ka, di ka naman always sikat, dumarating talaga sa puntong lie low. Paano na?

If ever man na ako ay may perang kagaya kay Kim, I would rather have a smaller house. Although appealing ang super big house, I would anticipate na habang tumatagal, maraming naiincur na gastos. Ewan ko lang, in my opinion, a super big house is a bad investment unless I am into real estate business.

Yung ibabayad ko sa maintenance ng bahay pwede kong idagdag sa capital ko sa business which doubles or triples in no time, depending on the feasibility of the business. I am not against mansions but siguro if sobra sobra na yung pera pwedeng ganun, but if lahat ng ipon mo, pinundar mo sa isang napakalaking bahay, not so good. It dilapidates e.

Pero yun nga, di naman ako si Kim Chiu. Wala din akong ganung pera. So hanggang pangarap nalang muna yung high ceiling at wooden –small-step-stairs ko.

Financial-wise, Save save save sa 2012 baka magkamilagro at matulad kay Kim Chiu! hehe

Note to self

Attached.

My greatest challenge in this whole journey is to be complete as it is. To have a sense of security from within. To be self- sufficient. To be independent.

Very strong words that involve a lot of SELF. Na realize kong In order to conquer this quest. I must develop a sense of confidence na kaya ko kahit ako lang mag isa. Ang nangyayari kasi, I get to be attached with someone na parang na depend na sa kanya yung happiness ko. Mali yun. Maling gameplan pag ganito yung lifestyle.

When living and working abroad, dapat talaga yung SELF buo as it is. Yung secure sya na kahit anung mangyari, every single cell in the body is well. Every detail ng personality intact. Every minute part of the mind and heart andun. Di pwedeng nakasalalay sa iba. Di pwedeng maging maligaya kasi may kasama. Dapat kahit nag-iisa, Masaya.

Narealize kong when you get so close with someone tapos always kayong magkasama, it builds a certain pact na di din madaling kalimutan, masasanay ka sa presence nya and most often than not, mas at ease ka pag anjan sya. Good thing naman yun diba? Kasi no man is an island. But for the likes of me, ang hirap pag dumarating sa stage na aalis na sya at kelangan mong mag let go.

Let go kasi wala kang choice. Buhay nya yun, may buhay ka din. Let go kasi dun sya Masaya. Let go kasi a good friend supports kung anuman ang decision ng isa. Let go kasi letting go is a learning experience for you too.

But guess what, ayoko na ako yung naiiwan or iniiwanan. Matagal akong makarecover. Mahirap ipagpatuloy kung hanggang saan. Basta, ang sad lang. Pero siguro yun na nga, through this experience, gaano man kahirap, always ipinaaalala sa atin na life goes on. That everything happens for a reason. Ganun.


So gaano man kabigat, that’s just how it is. It’s part of the challenge. To develop a self na di nakadepende sa iba, na parang bangkang pilit paring lumalaban gaano kaharsh ang waves at kaheavy ng rain at hangin.

Note to self: Be strong, keep calm and for the go! :))))

wish

As much as I miss home and going home seems to be a very tempting and fulfilling idea… I cannot.

For some reasons, I find it very SOON. Very bitin. Besides, nafeel ko na I should grab this chance to know myself better. Ambilis ng panahon, I will soon be MIA at home for six months, that’s half a year, 182 and a half days. Parang sobrang radical at life changing ng mga nangyari sa life ko.

To be honest, never kong naimagine na ganito pala kabigat yung decision na ginawa ko. Along with my career change is my change of address and everything followed, my lifestyle, my routine. Lahat. Even myself, I feel na na change ako.



Kung dati parang passive lang, now I feel I am more expressive. I feel na mas naopen ako to reality. If there is something I wish for myself, yun yung ultimate confidence sana. Yung I can be more of myself, I can express my feelings, I get to be connected to other people and less insecurities. To care less about other people’s opinion and thoughts. Masyado lang sensitive to the point of always considering them before myself. Mejo sablay ako sa aspect na yan ng life ko.






I wish na mas maging true ako sa sarili ko. Kung ano yung gusto kong sabihin, sana di ko isinusuppress. Most of the time, I just keep quiet kahit nagagalit ako. I feel I am condoning bad deeds just by being silent. Siguro kasi, I don’t want trouble. I always run away from it, okay naman yung ganun but as much as possible, stand for what you believe as right. If masama yung loob ko, I always keep it to myself kasi naiisip ko, di na importanteng malaman nung recipient na nagagalit ako sa kanya ‘cause it will just pass.



Which is mali diba? Mali kasi naiipon. Mali kasi ako ang palaging lugi. Mali kasi di magtatanda yung nakasakit ng damdamin ko. Mali kasi feeling nya okay lang sa akin yun. Mali kasi nagkaroon na ako ng sakit sa puso ng dahil sa mga sama ng loob na kinikeep ko lang.

For one thing, I don’t hold grudges. But once you do me wrong, I will not forget it. Mahirap makalimot. Di ko nakakalimutan. Like nung grade five ako, I always have this shirt na like na like ko, favourite ko kasi si Big Bird ng Sesame street. Nung time na yun, may activity kami sa school and we were about to enter the audio-visual room. Then may nakasabay ako, schoolmate kong lalake, He made a remark, “balik balik imung tshirt”. Wow men! Napahiya ako. I kept silent and bow my head, immediately went inside the room while He was laughing.

That schoolmate, di ko nalimutan. We went to the same High School. Weird talaga, everytime nakikita ko sya, yung Tshirt incident ko yung nareremember ko. I wished I fought back. I wished I told him na yung tshirt nyang printed with GI BOY na may lalakeng nakakacap printed sa likod was also pabalik balik. Wala eh. Di ko na nasabi. I was speechless. Napahiya ako. But then again, I kept silent. I did not give him a good fight. Kasi, duwag? Or Ayaw ko ng gulo? Di ko alam. But masakit sa akin yun.

Parang lahat ng away na kinasangkutan ko, ako yung talo. Kasi nga di naman ako nang aaway, I’ll just bow down and run away from it. Sabin g fighter sissy ko, Mali daw yun. Mali na always nalang akong magconsider muna sa kanila, kasi naman, when I go home tearful, sinasabi kong, masakit ang ipin ko.

Then hanggang sa mapaamin akong inaway nga ako, ang alibi ko naman, baka kasi may problema lang or bad mood kaya ako yung nabuhusan. But my sissy will always react. Mali yun. I should fight daw. I just don’t. Sana nga matuto akong magsalita din pag inaapi. Pag ako kasi ang involved, I keep silent. Pag family ko, yun na, doon na yung walong dragon ni Recca lumalabas.

Minsan, I became difficult. Very memorable yun kasi first time, I lashed out vocally. But more so kasi I was pushed to the limit. Imagine, that was my turn to have my graduation picture taken, then there’s this group of friends who wants to make singit. Kasi 3 of them qued first, ipasabay nalang daw yung iba. My sister was fuming mad and told me na nauubos na patience nya. Unfair daw. Sabi ko naman, sige nalang. We’ll just wait for my turn. But when I learned na 11 ang isisingit kasi nag group picture sila before me. I felt na nagging dragon ako literally. I didn’t know where my English remarks came from. My sissy just found me standing in the counter and lashed out the personnel. Shocked yung sissy ko but I was more surprised I had the ability.




Masama yung nagawa ko, I felt sorry after. Kasi I feel for the personnel. I worked for the service industry and ayaw na ayaw ko yung reklamo ng mga clients. I always feel dumb and incompetent if I am being lashed out. But then again, my limit din kasi ang pananahimik. Clap clap. Sabi ng sister ko, first time!

Kasi as much as possible, I don’t really want to be involved. I don’t want telling people on what they should do or if they make mistake, be mad to them vocally. I feel kasi na when you make mistake, you do know you made one. Di sa tinotolerate ko yung bad act, but I believe you will feel remorseful after so there’s no need for me to remind you na mali yun. Nakaka add ng insult to injury. Why? Kasi ganun ako. I do not want people reminding me sa mga mistakes ko. Why focus on the bad when you can appreciate naman good things? Sabi pa nga, Make millions of good and one bad, the good will be forgotten at nafofocus sa bad. Kaya as much as possible I try to focus on the good.


But kahit ano pa man, I really wish na mas makastand up ako for myself and for my feelings. Sana by staying here, I get to develop that trait. Sana.

Peace tsong!

Naiinis ako.

Di sa nega ha. Ganito kasi yun, ang mga tao may sinasabi, sineshare tungkol sa buhay nila. Kung ano man yun, kung ikaw ay isa sa mga lucky winners na makarinig na kwentong ito, makinig ka na lang. If di mo trip, sabihan mo ako, or ilayo mo sa topic at nang mafeel kong di ka nga interested. Madali akong kausap.

Ang ayaw ko lang kasi, is yung nag sishare ang ale tapos, buhos na buhos na ang emosyon, deep and insightful na yung sinasabi tungkol sa self nya, (tumutol ka kung gusto mo pero) wag mo namang ipamukha sa kanya na magkaiba talaga kayo. Na mali sya at ikaw ay tama. Hala! ikaw nalang kaya ang mag share? at ako'y makikinig nalang.

For example, If magsasabi sya na ganito yung na feel nya, let her be. Let her feel that way. If ikaw ang tagapakinig, wala kang karapatan na husgahan sya sa nafi feel nya. Better yet, shut up. Kung di mo trip at tutol na tutol ka, pwede mo namang sabihing “talaga?” “ahh” Di importanteng tumutol ka kasi after all, yung nafi feel nya, personal yun eh. Sya ang nakakafeel. Kebs mo ba?

Pangalawa, ayaw ko yung may comparison. For example, Sasabihin nya, “for me, I don’t like…blah blah” tapos ikaw biglang sabi "hindi kasi..blah blah" ay deng, di pwedeng icompare mo sa sarili mo, at tututol ka ng bongga. Kasi nga, may “for me” meaning, para sa kanya. Ikaw nalang mag-sya if tututol ka pa kahit may for me na. Wag kang joiner sa emotion nya kasi sa kanya yun, yung sayo, sayo lang din.



Pangatlo, if lucky winner ka na pinagsabihan nung emotion, there’s no need for you to broadcast it to the world kahit pa pa-joke. Set limitations kung anong pwedeng ishare sa buong mundo at kung ano ang para lang sa inyo. Para ano pa’t namili sya ng mga tao kung lahat pala eh makakaalam?

Pang apat, wag kang inggitera. Jealousy is the appreciation of other’s blessings rather than yours. Kung Masaya man ang isang tao wag mong hayaan ang sarili mong maging dahilan ng kanyang kalungkutan. Miserable ka man o hindi. Wag kang pumapel. Kung sasabihin nya sayong “hay salamat okay yung exam ko, nakacheat pako konti” sabay naughty smile. wag mong sabihing “bad ka! Or I don’t cheat e kasi bad yun” Very irritating. Di maganda yung sinabi nyang ginawa nya but she’s counting on you that you know her better than that. Na di sya cheater, just getting naughty to hype things up. Sometimes yung words kasi is just a test of your knowledge to the person. Di pwedeng itatranslate mo in plain context.

Lastly, wag kang umechos. Wag mong isali ang self mo as if ikaw na ang may alam sa lahat ng bagay. Wag kang gumawa ng scene na ikaw lang bida, or else, pumunta ka sa banyo, magkulong at kausapin ng bongga ang sarili. Malay mo, blockbuster ang life story mo sa mga sarili mo na matatagpuan as audience sa banyo.

Di ako high blood. Sumasakit lang ang puso ko kasi di ko masabi ng bongga ang litanya kong ito. Pero choks! 

basagan

Feel na feel ko na.

Sana naman next year meron na. Di naman sa ayoko na, nakakatakot lang kasi. Hanggang kelan? Wala nato sa plano. Ako’y lost in wilderness. I don’t know kung ano ang dala ni Haring Bukas pero sana naman magandang balita na.

Di sa desperado. Di din sa sabik na sabik. Pero naman, di din naman pwedeng wala talaga. Parang regalo lang yan e. Kahit di ka mag expect, alam mong meron talaga kahit singkong duling. Or di kaya libreng candy sa street habang ika’y naglalakad, di man made especially sayo yung candy at least meron kang natanggap. Wag nang choosy.

Ganito ang dilemma pag yun nalang ang kulang. Di na ako nagtataka kung bakit masungit si Miss Tapia. Di na din ako nagtataka kung bakit busangot ang kanyang mukha. Nagbi bitter bitteran. Bakit nga naman hindi? Eh kahit papano may itsura si Miss Tapia. Yung iba nga meron, sya pa kaya.

Minsan kasi nakakadepress isipin. Di naman sa zero ang mga kawal na umaaligid. Sadyang ang hirap lang talaga ng maintenance. Yung chuvah na kelangan mong iestablish. Wala sa libro. Nasa google pero puro tips lang, may steps di mo naman sure kung epektibo.

Hay buhay. Sabi pa nga, okay lang basta sampu sa mga kaibigan ay wala din. Damayan nato. Alam naman na darating kung darating parang ulan lang yan, di inaasahan pero kusang bumabagsak lalo na pag ika’y nakagetup. Haaay.

Di sa pre occupied. Wala lang. Feel na feel ko lang ishare. So sa mga makakabasa nito, wag ng magjudge. Di na kelangan yun. Kumbaga, share share lang naman to, walang basagan ng trip. Peace!

dougie

Flirt some.

Sabi ni Bro. Bo, tayong mga kababaihang single, kelangan daw talagang lumandi kahit papano. Kasi naman, ang mga lalake parang dolphins lang e, kelangan ng signal. Sabi nya send out the right signal. Di naman kelangang maghubad (seduction yan) or may pa labas labas pa ng dila (sexual connotation nato) habang kausap sya or from afar pag nagkahulihan ng tingin. Sapat na ang smile.

Sabi pa nga ng isang tweet, walang walang magandang babae sa malanding tanini. Tumpak! Kasi naman noh, pag magaganda nilalagay din ang sarili sa pedestal, parang sinasabing, “habulin mo ko, habulin mo ko” at di lang basta basta dapat ang humabol. Mali. Mali daw yun. Dapat be open. Walang diskriminasyon.

Sabi nga, talk to atleast 15 boys in a week. Not necessarily na landiin ng bongga, talk. Just converse. Kasi daw, dun mo malalaman kung ano ang gusto mo sa isang guy. The more ka daw mai expose sa guys, the more mo daw malalaman kung sino ang patok sayo at sino ang hindi. Wow parang manok lang naman or advertisement sa radio. Patok.

Infairness, andami kong natutunan sa libro nya. Ang problema, di ko alam paano iaapply. Mahirap. Mahirap bumaba sa tronong nakasanayan ko na. mahirap umislide pababa sa bundok kong may ulap ulap pa. Seryoso, paano ba?

Nagvolunteer ang officemate ko before, tuturuan daw akong mag flirting101, kaso natakot naman ako. Hardcore eh. Biglang naalarma naman ako, beginner’s level naman teh. Wag yung para akong timang, nagpapanic panic pa. kaloka!

Kaya ang ending, di ko nakeri. Back out ang drama ko. Kakatuwa. Super excited sila to teach me how to dougie, pero parang asong deprived, nabahag ang buntot. Atras agad. Pero ha, sa totoo lang, alam ko naman talagang instinct yun e, para ano pa’t nagging highest form of animalandia? Pero naman mas trip ko kasing maging Penguin. Alam mo yung, pag isa, isa lang talaga in this life time? Ganyan daw sila. Sana nga maging Penguin-like yung mga lalake.

Flirt some. Sa mga Aries na katulad ko, it is a common trait daw. Arians enjoy the chase and flirting is one of the famous methods. Pero teka, sa Zodiac ba katulad ng law? May Exemption to the rule? Kasi kung meron… parang.. ako yun!

Teach me how to dougie! Please? LOL

Sincerely,

Ikaw

Somebody asked me, Ano ba talaga gusto mo sa isang guy?

Hmnnn… Naghuhumiyaw ang aking puso, nakahandang bumulong ang aking bibig “Ikaw”… Pero syempre naman teh, maloloka ang mga tala, syempre may paisip isip pa akong nalalaman, sabi ko, “Guy as a friend or boyfriend?” sabi nya, “syempre yung lifetime partner” at sa pangalawang pagkakataon, muntik kong masabi, “ikaw nga”

Ang lola mo kelangan din naming maglitanya de ti, may pa pause pause pa kunwari, at nasabi ko nalang, syempre yung faithful. Di naman sa naloko na ako or whatever pero first things first, I would like someone who’s loyal to me. Di yung makakita lang ng ibang mas maganda or mas sexy, wala, kakaripas agad ng takbo at parang asong susunod dun sa babae. Che! I’ve seen men who are like that. Kahit kasama yung gf, Makita lang ako, nakaturn agad ng head. Taray.

Di nga, I know naman di yan sukatan ng faithfulness diba? Pero naman! Pwede ba, guys wag masyadong pahalata. Pangalawa kong sinabi, dependable. Lifetime partner diba? Di basta bastang bf bf lang para may matawag na Bf perse. Syempre naman, yung katuwang ko sa lahat ng bagay. Yung alam kong I won’t be left out sa ere. Yung kaya akong iprovide at soon mga junakis namin (in far future). At syempre I like handyman. I am in love with one. Sya yung nakapantalon, ako yung nakapalda, alangan naman ako yung mag aayos ng bubong? Kahit pa can afford kunwari si future LP, still plus points pag may alam kahit near to basic carpentry nalang. Not necessarily karpintero yung makakatuluyan ko syempre!

Pangatlo, I would like someone na makakausap ko. Sabi ni Mareng Winnie, once you reach the age of 50 or kahit late 40s, wala na masyadong amor and sex. It’s about going to bed, kahit dark na at may konting light, wala nang energy ang body. Sabi pa nga, the mind is willing but the body is weak, so I would love to have someone na enjoyable kausap. Yun bang kahit ano, kahit weird pa yung topic, napag uusapan over a pint of ice cream in bed? Yun bang after work, you just cuddle while watching tv and exchanging insights? Ganun. Perfect yun. Mas meaningful, mas sweet. I’d die for a relationship like that.

Sabi ni boy, ano pa? five yung hinihingi kong qualities. Sabi ko, so far, yun lang muna. Mag iisip pa ako sa dalawa. Ang hirap sagutin e, kelangan talaga honest ako kung anong gusto ko. Kung magiging sobrang honest lang talaga ako, sasabihin ko sayong, di na ako naghahanap ng limang katangiang yun kasi…


Tanggap na tanggap na kita kahit anupaman! LOL

girl

Gurl!

Yan ang tawag ko sa kanya. Pa bagets lang, parang magkaedad lang. Minsan nakakainis ako pa yung mas matanda tingnan. How cruel can this life be? LOL

So, planning to come here is a complete disapproval sa kanya. Kesyo, Why would I need this “being independent” for? That my life will be changed and I might get disappointed big time daw. She even told me she doesn’t like me when I am very disappointed kasi nawawala daw yung zest ko. She told me may maganda na akong trabaho and my future is bright kahit nasa Davao lang ako.

Pero the usual me, Stubborn and ambitious, achievement- hungry, did not mind what she said. I told here, “it’s now or never” meron pa akong mga “to grow and make myself better na churvah”, my greatest argument was that I needed sometime to reflect on what I want in my life and having this chance, it’s really up for me to grab.

Apparently, di lang naman ito yung arguments naming. Madami pa. If nasa bahay, para kaming tiglilimang armalite with amplifier instead of silencer sa body. Super chatty. Debate kahit ano but still we always have a common end. To compromise.

Then recently, Girl told me, “Hay Labli (Lovely), umuwi ka na lang ditto, it won’t matter, you can have a job here. Try sales. Sayang ka. If you want to develop yourself, you can develop it naman here. You apply na. I want you here. With all these calamities going in and about everywhere, di natin alam kung anung mangyayari, it’s better that we’re here together.”

Wow. What a speech from my former famous (artista sa Dabaw way back 90s) sissy. I find it funny but at the same time comforting. Nag iisa lang talaga ang sister ko nay un. Nag iisa kasi dalawa lang kami. Pero di nga, I really appreciate that she’s always behind me, she’s got my back sa lahat ng mga milestones ko sa buhay. Kahit naman kasi tutol sya or in utter disgust sa ibang trip ko sa buhay, she’ll just let me be. She’ll just there to mouth me and in the end, give in to my baked plans. Iba eh, kahit ayaw nya pa, basta gusto ko yun na yun.

My sissy is the ultimate fighter. Parang street fighter lang, yung power nya ang taas. If meron ako vivid memories ng aking childhood most of it, kasali talaga sya. Akalain mo, it has always been me who’ll just hide or run away in a fight and she has always been that one person na pag uuwi akong luhaan, she’ll not just tell you, “sige lang, pabayaan mo nalang” she’s always “unsa man, sulongon nako na sya? Ha?” haha funny but that’s what she is. Walang inuurungan. Kahit pa High School teacher ko. LOL

So nung andito na ako, kakamiss lang. Everytime I talk about my sister, I always have this smile na almost got me teary-eyed. I don’t know. I’m becoming emotional pag family kasi. Siguro kasi now ko talaga narerealize the value of family. Now ko narereflect how fortunate I am to belong to such a family and to have a wonderful and outrageous sissy. Deserving ba ako to have them?

Now that I have a nephew. I am quite sure of how protective I am of him. Just like my ate of me. If there’s one thing na I am ultimately proud of, yun yung family ko and my relationship with them, most especially with what I have with my sister.

Maybe the reason why I call her Gurl is because; she embodies a super girl to me. She’s my best girl friend, my can-you-believe-it-twin… Soul. : )))))))

Finally

Eh kasi naman…


Bata. Young. Kid. Child.

I think I just found myself a new inspiration. Pag nakikita ko sya nawawala ang pagod, ang mga problema,, ang bigat, ang sakit, ang sama ng loob, ang sama ng tiyan at iba pang mga nega sa buhay ko. Picture pa lang, iba yung positivity na nararadiate.

Just a smile. Totoo pala yung kanta ni Barbie Almalbis. Smile pa lang nakakabuhay. Parang may bagong umaga naghihintay na puno ng pag-asa at kagandahan. Para siyang sunshine after the rain, di lang rainbow kasi konti lang naman ang nakakaaninag ng rainbow from a far. Sunshine kasi wide yung coverage.

Parang morning dew na mamasa masa pa sa mga bulaklak on a very cool weather. Parang jazz in a dim-lit room while sipping some wine. Parang bonus na kusang nacredit sa ATM mo kahit sa pagkakaalam mo’y wala naming bonus sa panig mo. Parang Christmas song sa mga malls. Parang Iphone4s na napanalunan mo sa raffle. Parang mana na kusang ibinigay sayo ng amo mong elderly at ikaw ung nagninurse.

Alam mo yung ganung feeling? Kung isa man sa mga nabanggit ko ang naexperience mo, alam kong alam mo ang ibig kong ipahiwatig. Eto kasi yung feeling na di mo nacocontrol. Feeling na di napepredict at feeling na hindi napaplano, di napaghahandaan. Eto yung feeling na masarap. Feeling na nagkokompleto sa buhay mo no matter how incomplete you felt like before.

Finally, He has arrived in my life. He has given me meaning. He has given me more than he can imagine. Everyday is a brand new day ‘cause I have a reason to wake up and feel the sun, the breeze and even the noise would feel like a melody to my ears.

Thank you, Babe! :)))))))

christmases

Christmas is already here. Four days? Wow. So fast.

This Christmas is very memorable. This is my first Christmas away from home and with my heart left in Davao. Who would’ve thought that 2011 is this mixed and radical?

I just had this all for the adventure, quite frankly, something that is quite temporary. You know, when the youth in you feels a lot more adventurous and almost rebellious. Not that I am deprived of freedom. It’s the nature of the early twenties I guess. I first thought about two months break after resigning from work… will have fun, try new things, enrol myself to new hobbies. Learn how to drive. And when I get tired, I’ll seek a job of my liking. Boom!

After almost two months of this unknown adventure, I got myself a job and everything was life changing. I have to live self- sufficiently. I do things my way, I cook, I do the laundry, I clean, I think of my tomorrows, pre occupied with what to cook, when to do the laundry, stocks in the fridge, groceries.

Seriously, I never really imagined of it this way. Although I did my Pros and Cons back home, planning thoroughly for this new adventure, it still does not suffice the everyday routine that I have to conquer. But then again, I thank God for this chance. I will never know how independent I am if not for this chance. I am grateful that I am exposed to this experience as it made me realize the value of the essentials in my life.


Who would’ve thought it’s this lonely? Who would’ve thought it’s this difficult? Who would’ve thought it’s this challenging? But who would’ve thought first sweldo is sweet? That language barrier is bothersome but funny? That culture is dynamic? That I can buy new clothes without converting to peso? LOL


But as I celebrate Christmas in this foreign land with this funny foreign emotion, I would take this opportunity to thank all the people who have made this adventure possible. Christmas when I was younger is far more superficial so Christmas at this age, is more of the deep, insightful and personal appreciation of the things and people I have in my life.

Christmas this year is truly different from my previous Christmases back home. Nonetheless, Christmas is always God in my heart.

Merry Christmas! 


With love from Singapura,

sick of home

Truthfully enough, I wanna go home.

The idea of seeing home just comforts me. The convenience of having your family around defines me.

I've talked with a friend earlier this morning, had a very pleasant conversation regarding homesickness. I asked her if the feeling is really like this, you know, you feel so alone, you feel bored, you feel less energized. Sigh. I told her, after staying abroad for almost four months now, I feel really battered. I feel incomplete. I feel empty. I feel less of myself.

She then told me, what was the purpose of being there? Isn't it for personal growth? Isn't it self-discovery? I said yes to all. She then told me, "well yotch, let's put it this way, it's very tempting to go home, I know" Then I interrupted,"very much! But why do my other friends feel less homesick like I do? Why do they laugh the hardest as if they're pretty much contented here?" She said "Well then, it just means your family is who you are. You have much tight ties with them, but hey, home is very appealing but overcoming this emotion that you are in, is way way more appealing"

There she had me. Then I thought, this is the same vicious cycle I once had almost seven years ago. Quite frankly, this is somewhat the same tunnel I felt years back, but this time, should I give up? Should I be trodden down by this stupid mind? The problem lies with me and not the situation, so the best solution is the change in me and not the change in situation.

If I can just endure, it will be a way way better life for me. If I can just hang on, it will be blissful. If I can just hold on tighter, I know it's promising. So self, mind especially, please stop overdoing things. It's good that you think but stop overthinking. It's not making my life easier.

Truthfully, the problem is my mindset of going home not the act itself. Because what my mind can conjure, my body can endure! Fight!

lifetime relationship

Don't talk to strangers.

Well, that's what my parents told me when I was growing up. And for some mighty reasons, I still hold that advice. I don't trust someone enough unless I know him/her.

The problem is, minsan kasi I get to be so doubtful about someone's personality. My friend once told me, "You're so choosy" SSabi ko, "how come?" She said, "you choose who you like"... Teka, teka, di ba ganun naman talaga? I told her, I just don't let someone enter my life.

Oo na, mali yun, mali na mamili pero yun nga e, when I was younger sabi ng parents ko, trust no one but yourself, family and God and choose your friends. Di kami mayaman, di din kami sikat, but that's about it eh. We choose people who become part of us. Di naman sinasadya, minsan talaga lumalabas na parang choosy, but isn't it because, mas madali talagang makipagkaibigan kung atleast may common point kayo? Isn't it more comforting kung alam mo at may background ka sa kanya?

Personally, di naman masama na mamili ka ng kaibigan, kasi dumadating naman talaga sa punto na limited lang din yung nagiging kaibigan mo kasi nga you cannot please everyone. I think naman na kung saan ka komportable dun ka, kung saan mo mas feel na maibahagi ang yung sarili, go ka. Di naman yun kasalanan diba? Hindi pinipilit ang pagkakaibigan kasi kusang dumarating sa puntong yun, ahem gaya ng love. (which I will not discuss kasi di naman ako expert)

Anyway, so heto ako still contemplating kung gaano ako ka friendly 'cause seriously these past few months, I think the magic isn't working. I don't talk much to strangers, I don't feel I need to be involved with anyone or even be associated to someone as far as I am new is concerned. For me, liberating na yung nagagawa mo yung mga things on your own, the way you want it.

Yung feeling na you're self sufficient enough to provide kung ano yung gusto mo na result and yung feeling na it's better to be alone and find peace and fun kesa yung nasa crowd ka pero napipilitan kang gawin yung mga bagay bagay only 'cause everyone's doing it. Sometimes kasi it doesn't look so good when you're alone. Guilty tayong magcomment na kesyo nag iisa eh loner na or may sariling mundo, but it's not that. narealize ko may mga moments lang talaga na we're much comfortable kung nag iisa or mas convenient na gawing mag isa ang mga bagay bagay.

Hindi din naman kasalanan ang mag isa. Nasa isip yun. We're so afraid to be alone that we find comfort in hanging out with the wrong crowd. Peer pressure kumbaga. But wait, bakit ba tayo engrossed at concerned sa mga sinasabi ng iba? Bakit ba feeling loser-loseran pag mag isang kumain, mag isang magshopping, mag isang maglakwatsa? Aren't we too old to feel uncomfortable kasi nag iisa? E sa dami ba naman kasi ng kaibigan may mga times din naman kasi na walang mahila.

My point is, hindi nakakahiya na maging self-supporting at self-sufficient kasi yun yung factor na nagdadala sa atin sa pagiging self-made. Of course, social values should be developed but it doesn't mean naman na basta lang may matawag na kaibigan yun na yun. Hindi ganun eh. Friendship for me is a lifelong relationship, inaalagaan, tinetreasure at pinagyayaman with time. Kaya kung ma brand man akong choosy eh bahala na, basta those people I call friends, I know deep in my heart that I chose them and that by choosing them, I have made a covenant na lifetime yung relationship. No expiry date. Yun yun eh! :P

aboard abroad!

Hanggang saan, hanggang kelan?

I've said this before and I'm saying it now... Hindi madali ang mag abroad. Homesick ang matinding kalaban. Ilang buwan pa lang ako dito pero ha, sobrang homesick na ung nararamdaman ko, andun na yung feeling na sinisilihan na sa puwet at uwing-uwi na. lalo na ngayon, magpapasko.

Naalala ko noon, akala ko talaga sobrang sarap lang ng buhay pag nasa labas kasi may naiipon, may package na maipapadala etc. Paano naman kasi, mejo nasanay akong makakita ng mga kapitbahay na nag abroad, ayun, they're the ones na may malaking bahay, may iilang sasakyan, may naipon sa bangko, in short, naging may kaya. Maibiblame ba ako, eh yun yung narinig ko kay Aling Tasing? Kesyo eto si juana, nagpadala ng ganito, ganyan. Ang sarap isipin diba? Natatak sa batang utak ko na ganun.

Mahirap pala. Mahirap ang mawalay sa pamilya. Mahirap ang magtrabaho na hindi masyadong naiintindihan ang chika ng mga co-workers, may language barrier. Mahirap magbudget ng isang buwang sweldo na once lamang binibgay, end of the month. Mahirap makipagsiksikan sa tren na may amoy yung mga kadaupang palad. (please see previous post sa daming hirap)

Pero huwag ka, kamakailan lamang, I think pinabasa ni kapalaran ng sadya sakin at ng may mapasok sa mejo average-sized kung utak... quote, ang sabi, "Don't spoil what you have by desiring what you don't have because what you have now is one of the many things you once prayed for." and looking back, Tumpak si quote! Bakit? Kasi minsan sa sobrang pagnanais na maabot ang ginugusto, todo effort talaga tapos pagnakuha na nawawalan na ng challenge. Bakit ko alam? Kasi ganyan ako.

Pag nakuha mo ang isang bagay na ninais mo, wag mo nang balikang isipin yung pinakawalan mo para makuha ito. nagkecreate ng mixed signals yun, nakakaconfuse kung ano talaga yung mas trip mo. Pero ako, Ewan ko lang ha, ewan ko kung normal or hindi, naeexcite ako sa chasing phase, mapa trabaho o lalake man (ay may ganun? lol)

Kidding aside, sometimes I feel I dream so much that I do everything to run after it, parang super challenging na makuha ang isang bagay na ginusto ko pero pag nakuha ko na, ibang level ng challenge pala. Just recently, I realized ha, ang pinakachallenging pala na phase ng dreaming is the "living of the dream", that phase is when you got what you wanted and your life has been changed.

Seryoso, may mga moments din naman na inisip ko kung gusto ko ba talaga yung winish ko. Ang problema lang kasi, sa dami ng gusto, nawawalan ng focus kung ano ba talaga yung pinakamahalaga. Di maiiwasan may mga pagsisisi, pero syempre life should be about moving forward. Di dapat magdwell sa mga tapos na, ilang tonelada man ng luha ang pwedeng iluha, di na mababalik ang kahapon, walang ibang choice kundi mag move on and to enjoy the present. Kasi nga, not everyone is given the chance to experience what you have. Seize the moment sabi pa ni Captain America!

Don't get me wrong, super thankful ako for everything that I have become. Kaya nga naisip ko, wala talaga akong karapatang magreklamo, o mainggit sa blessings ng iba. Napakaungrateful. Nung nanghingi naman ako ng ulan, bumaha pa, nung nanghingi ako ng sunlight, nag el nino din. So sobra sobra pa sa hinahangad ko yung nakukuha.

Hindi man madali ang journey nato, tanong ko lang, si Albert Einstein ba ay hindi naghirap nung on the process sya sa pagbuo ng E=MC2? Ang Wright Brothers ba di naghirap nung gumagawa sila ng thesis for an aircraft? Eh si Darna ba di din naghirap mapagkasya lamang ung 22 inch waistline pattern nya nung red-blue with a star costume nya?

Hypothetical lang naman. ^^

Poor

Narealize ko...

> Mahirap maging tambay
> Mahirap makisama sa hindi pamilya
> Mahirap magbudget sa pang araw-araw na pagkain
> Mahirap ilabas ang saloobin ng ganyan ganyan lang
> Mahirap maglaba ng panties
> Mahirap umuwi na walang pagkain na nakahanda na sa mesa (paano pa kaya kung pag uwi galing sa trabaho)
> Mahirap maghintay
> Mahirap umasa
> Mahirap umintindi sa bad mood ng iba
> Mahirap kumain ng nag iisa
> Mahirap mag isip ng isusuot sa bonggang interview
> Mahirap mawalay sa pamilya ng ganito katagal o mas matagal pa
> Mahirap makamiss sa mga taong akala mo noon ok lang kasi anjan palagi para sa yo
> Mahirap maging busy pag nasa bahay lang
> Mahirap matulog kung may iniisip
> Mahirap maglakad sa tindi ng init para makaabot sa call time ng interview
> Mahirap akong intindihin
> Mahirap akong pakisamahan pag ayoko
> Mahirap pag walang pera
> Mahirap ienjoy ang magandang lugar kung walang camera
> Mahirap bigyan ng pag asa ang mga hindi na umaasa
> Mahirap mag isip tungkol sa buhay pag ibig at sa future nito
> Mahirap magluto kung walang stock sa ref
> Mahirap kung mejo nagkakasakit ka na sa katamaran
> Mahirap kumain kung ayaw ko ang ulam
> Mahirap ang mamuhay sa ibang bansa
> Mahirap makalimutan ang career na gusto mo
> Mahirap sumang ayon sa mga desisyon na di mo feel
> Mahirap magsabi ng totoo kung mas makabubuting wag nalang sabihin
> Mahirap walang kapatid dito
> Mahirap walang mga kaibigan other than your housemates
> Mahirap kumuha ng pambayad sa renta
> Mahirap magtext o tumawag lalo na't nagtitipid sa load dito
> Mahirap maggrocery na bigas at canned goods ang binili, ang bigat pauwi
> Mahirap magtiis sa sangsang ng amoy ng mga kilikili at katawan as a whole
> Mahirap magsalita ng straight English kasi di ka maiintindihan, panu na kaya kung broken English
> Mahirap intindihin ang pagsasalita ng mga interviewer
> Mahirap makipagsiksikan sa MRT
> Mahirap mainitan kasi nagiging masangsang din ang amoy ko

> Mahirap isulat ang lahat ng mahirap dito, baka gustuhin ko nang umuwi nalang! LOL

Bore-doom! Goodbye Juana

Syempre nagkaroon ng miss Universe, andaming naglabasang videos patungkol dun. May mga spoof, Parody di lang para kay Miss Shamcey Supsup kundi pati na rin na bagong koronang si Miss Leila Lopez. So eto na... nakita ko yung video, nainspire naman ako. Syempre sa youtube diba may nirerecommend na links na parang similar yung tema sa current na pinanonood?

E di nakita ko din yung mga music videos, mga songs na ginawan ng covers, mga for entertainment na pagcopy a.k.a lipsync ng songs, ang saya! naenjoy ako sa panonood. Tapos biglang naubos na, wala na akong pinagkakaabalahan... so napaisip ako bigla, paano kaya kung...kung... Ako ang gumawa nung video?

E bagong install yung software na free for 15 days sa laptop ko, ayun na... sabi ko May-I-make-a-video na nga! hinanap ko yung mga paborito kung kanta... OPM! mejo mahirap yung English, e di ako marunong tumugma nung stress ng words, kaya ayun...

Ang pinagmamalaki kong bunga ng boredom dito sa Singapura... haha

P.S. pasensya sa audio... parang mono nalang, sa laptop speaker lang kasi

P.S. ulit: atin atin lang to! hushhhhhhh... lol

blur

Kaloka!

I don't have an idea whether I get a plane ticket heading home or keep still and wait till next week. Ganito pala. Ganito ang feeling ng naghihintay at di alam kung ano talaga ang mangyayari sa susunod na kabanata. But this time, real time!

May nabasa akong quote it said: "Patience is not just about waiting but keeping the good attitude while waiting" and... Tama! Seryoso, minsan pala ang paghihintay nakakabago ng ugali. Minsan kasi we're so caught up with the anticipated result that we seem to forget the present. Nagfofocus tayo sa mga mangyayari at di na natin naeenjoy ang kasalukuyan.

May kakilala ako, ibang klase kung maghintay, kaloka! di nagsasalita te! Ni ha or ni ho, wala talaga. Ganyan siguro talaga, iba iba ang manner ng paghihintay. Naniniwala ako na this is all about mindset. Keeping the good vibe kahit mejo nagwoworry (kung di man maalis totally ang worries).

Nung pumunta ako dito, I told myself, "Live for the moment" why? kasi I know na it will never come back again. Itong experience nato, once ko lang gagawin, once lang din dumarating so I should make the most of it. Ano man mangyari sa aking hinihintay, atleast naenjoy ko yung ngayon.

I remembered My sister telling me,"Why the need to go there when you have a career here?" Sabi ko..." di lang naman ito career e, pangkalahatang growth talaga" Well, I hope I stood by that growth I was telling her about. haha

Sa nearly two months ko dito, I am really missing alot of things. MAIN: my nephew, CHINO! Iba ang feeling na wala sa bahay kasi all my life I've just been next to my parents. All my life, I'm the young person at home. Yung ganun, nakakamiss din. This time kasi, I'm living with people with my age bracket. Pare pareho kami ng approach towards things.

Anyway, sabi ko na-miss ko. If given the chance, I want to work out my career here. I want to stay here. There's so much to learn and my length of stay is such a short term, parang retreat lang. So sana talaga God will grant me my desire. Sana lang...

Sana ung blur ng aking future ay unti unti nang ma-clear. Sana ma grant yung PASS ko!

tough

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

So true!

My friend asked me a couple of days ago, so are you now satisfied with the idea that you embarked on an unknown path, mindless of the things that you've given up?

Truth is, how can I answer that? The question might be wrong or is just too early, because to be able to answer that, I need much of an exposure. My adventure has just begun, I surely don't know how it ends but I know that I am proud about it all.

I have been living a life sheltered and protected by the people who love me dearly. I am thankful. I am blessed that I have those people with me. There's never a day that I didn't thank God that I belonged to the family I am in. But this life is so short. I took this risk to fully live my life. It may sound a little arrogant but I needed time and space to discover myself. To grow and nurture my capacity on an individual basis.

Others might find it absurd and just an act of pride but really, to me... it's important. It is important that I know where I stand. It is important that I know where I'm coming from. It is important that I would learn to maximize my full potentials.

Not that I am totally dependent with my parents or my older sister, it's more of a personal thing. It's like testing the waters and trying to weigh things, whether I know how to swim or just close my eyes and let myself drown.

Everyday here is a lesson learned. It is a struggle. I realized how important little things are. I once told my friend, "Hey if you wanna try if you can cope without the people you used to be with, then try going here" I dared him. And told me, He is scared. Nah. Life should not be lived in fear. But I understood him. We have different wavelengths when it comes to adventure.

My aunt once told me, you seem to be going easy with life. And I told her, like what? "Happy go lucky?" Well, it somehow affected me, it was as if I just spend and spend on everything I wanted to do. But then, in this life, what's more important, Other's opinion or my heart's desire? I am a fool if I'll be mindful of what other people's opinions are. I am what I will be. By God's plan and mine. Not others.

I am happy that those people who mean a lot to me understood this need that I wanted to quench. Regardless of what I gave up, practical or not, they have let me be my own person. I wanted this and prayed for this. God allowed me to be here so I am quite sure, He has a bigger purpose for me.

Coming here is not just a test of finances but a very test of faith. Remember my post about that rusty old jeep? Yeah that was it. I already surrendered my will to Him even before. Now, I am quite confident about things. Sure, I had this panicky feeling going when I was a week fresh here but I am slowly understanding myself and God's promise to me. I am rejuvenated. I know I am loved.

I am holding on to my dreams. I am a dreamer and I believe I will be that forever. I am holding on to a promise. I am holding on to my God because He is bigger than the toughest tests here. :D

get there

Geeez!

And here I am thinking why my parents didn't send me to Chinese class. I'm an alien in a Chinese world. I do talking pretty much the hard way, I employ hand and body movements with matching facial expressions.

But thank you parents for sending me to a good school, I feel a lot better in English here. No doubt about that. I knew my English is better than them but the way they say English words are slang to my ears. Imagine a word without an "R".

One week here is like 2weeks in Davao. Here, very fast. I always forget time. I normally check the darkness and it's really hard to determine time through it. The sunset is late, 7pm is pretty much like 5pm in Davao. Imagine my horror upon knowing that I skipped breakfast and lunch then I ate dinner very late. Not good.

Life here is fast. There's no room for slowing down and walking in the park. Everyone is in a hurry. Everyone goes on marathon even in MRT stations. I can only imagine how it's like to be in New York.

My only distaste here is he smell. I get really crappy when I get to smell "chikadings", you know those black guys wearing dark colors with mustaches and all the hairs the human body produces? Self control. It takes a lot of guts not to pinch my nose to avoid their scent entering to my system. Forgive me for being too honest. Forgive me for sounding like I am discriminating races. It's not that.

Maybe it has to do with cultures. Filipinos are known for being bath-addicts. We do take a bath everyday. Feeling so gross the moment we skip bathing. It's that. I'm just accustomed to people who don't stink. And their stinking is way too unbearable. My gosh!

The building we're living is on the 12th floor. What I love about this is that it's overlooking and "airy". I like the feel that it's not of a clutter. It's minimalist and spacious and economically well-set. I love it!

Our bedroom is with a bunk bed with a single bed 'cause we are three ladies occupying the same room. It's pretty small with a window and two cabinets but I like it. It makes me feel homey.

Generally, I like SG. but cliche as it may sound, I love PH! For the moment that I am pursuing my dreams, I want to stay here. I want to create something out from this venture. I want to do things. I want to try new stuffs that I have the chance of trying. I want to break free. I want to be ME. Somehow, this will help me grow. I know it will.

I hope God grants me what my heart truly desires. I hope I can get a job that... pays quite well and would enable me to explore more on my individuality. I am confident.

But... I surrender it all. Lord, please?

Love,

achieve

And I came, I saw... I hope to conquer!

Vacation... this is how it is at this time. It's a break from the routine I have been doing for straight three years. It's like a breath of fresh air from getting all concentrated to one thing.

I am so thankful that the immigration didn't ask stuffs they normally do and more. Much more to my surprise, I haven't been asked anything at all. She just checked my passport, looked at my oily face and boom! stamped as social visitor for 30 days. It's a sign!

Anyway, being here is a liberation. Being here is climbing to a mountain and trying to reach a peak. Being here is journeying to a desert hoping to find an oasis in the middle. See, this is a quest full of hope. A quest for discovery. Who says humanity is all for outer space discovery?

I am very much inspired to do things my way. I feel the need for survival without depending on others. Human instinct.

What concerns me nowadays are calls. I know one of these days they are a plenty. I wish it to be sooner..

So until then? Missin my laid back DAVAO! :)

till we meet again

and my heart breaks, my tears fall, no amount of sadness can ever compare to leaving...

Three years ago I stepped in to that branch where I thought everything was small. The area, the pantry, the vault and yes even the people (hahaha! peace mam pinks and mam yo!). Coming fresh from school, everything was new to me. The procedure, the service, the daily routine, I thought, "so this is the real life my teachers were all talking about".

It's never easy. I'm likened to an egg, the process to becoming a chick takes a lot of time. I am slowly coming out of my shell. I will miss a lot of things...

I will miss my daily dealings with clients. I was able to learn a lot of things from them but most especially, thank you for teaching me... patience!:) and yes, English for foreigners, slang.

I will miss friday lunch. I was able to learn self- indulgence. Ma'am Pinky's famous line: "Nagtrabaho ka para makakaon!" (I second that!)

I will miss pantry moments. I was able to learn how to be informative. Ma'am Gel's ever updating of celebrities and Ma'am Yo's ever Azkals' Trivia. (Thanks for being reliable sources)

I will miss sitting in my good 'ole chair where music was always good and the rhythm gets me too well, I was able to learn how to sing and dance even if my client is in front. (And sings a lot louder than I do)

I will miss bonding with the 667 girls. The wantoredi which keeps getting better each time. The kiss with Derek. The English session with Kuya Nants. The eye conversations with the guards. Ahhhh fun times!

Coming up with this decision took a lot of guts and willpower for me. It gave me a number of sleepless nights and "tulala sa isang tabi" moments.

No, it's not just the company itself, it's the company of people who mattered most to me. I'll forever be grateful to the chance of meeting you.

Thank you for allowing me to be part of 667 family.

I will miss you but 'Till we meet again in God's most wonderful time!

closed book

The emptiness keeps lingering... the thought of you reminds me so much of the fun times we had together. Those may not be exactly how we wanted it to be but at least there were "those" moments that never fail to make me smile bitter sweetly.

Truth is, I have tried so hard to forget you. I blocked all the access to let me reach you or tempts me to do so. It's just not right. I just feel so guilty that whenever I see you and hear from you this whatever-it-is has it's own mind that beats as if on a drum roll. I think that should never be the case.

You left me paralyzed, and now that I'm regaining the consciousness you took away from me, you strike again. The nerve! I just can't allow myself to go on the same ground again. I will never allow myself to be feeling the same way again. When I was able to confirm it, I thought I had died in that instant. Imagine my shock, when I saw the glimpse of you. It just tore me quite figuratively.

I am just so thankful I have never really told you how I really felt for you way, way back 'cause now I know, You were not worth every single feeling I dare felt. You were not the person I thought you were. I am thankful, I have known it before I come ocean-deep for you.

Somehow, the distance and the time really helped. I am a new me. A new me without you. But yes, I feel like I am just delusional. It wasn't your fault. But you led me on. I cannot accept that fact that I was misguided by your actions. And there I was, feeling like a complete fool, imagining things wildly. Now where was the smart ass everyone knows about? Non- existing.

Sure you call me jealous and stuffs but I wouldn't mind. I simply wouldn't mind on whatever you want to call me 'cause after all, your opinion in general, doesn't matter. Sorry to say boy, you just lost the pedestal I had for you.

And this, the thought of you, rarely happens to me now. This is just one of the rare nights I accepted you in my memories... you must be thankful. But sorry to burst your bubble, I am on my way to be over you... completely.

You're a book, very illustrative, full of colors, the cover so nice but in summary, you're just that book I have in my cabinet, just for display. Clearly, you lack the substance that I expected to read from you. Forget you!

Crossroads by MALDITA (lyrics)

seems that my thoughts are put into a song... here it goes..



Could you possibly be the one for me?

Hopeful frog! :)

falling for you by colbie caillat w/lyrics

My song for you..



I think I just do... cause no matter how I tried, my mind still speaks of you. You know I'm not giving in... I try not to... this is not the right time. Just don't think I take you for granted, I wished I had all the time but so long as these veins long for adventure, you might come second best...

misunderstood

They will never understand my reason. This is way beyond the commerce of logic and practicality. I will never try explain myself to anyone regarding this decision.

What matters most to me are the people who mean a lot to me. What matters to me is the approval of those I truly love and who truly love me back. I may be a hypocrite in telling that I don't get affected by remarks but I realized it's not important anymore.

I'm taking the challenge because I am brave enough to do so. I am jumping off the edge, never knowing if there's a solid ground below so that I will know if there is such a thing below, curiosity pushes me.

I should not be limited by words instead I should be firm in standing by my decision. This is the best time to learn how it feels like to prove yourself no matter what it takes.

Until then...

insane

the people stared at me, suspicious to the the fact that they're sitting beside someone sane while I remain passive and lost in trance of my thoughts...

God help me! I cried out in despair. I have come this far. The idea that blossomed to something real and something that should be taken. It's coming over me... the reality that I am a nobody. The reality that I am in need. The reality that I am one of those who lives in the practical world. That I have no right to venture to dreams as if everything will be the same again if I lose. That everything is at stake. That somehow when I fail, I'll be caught up in extreme poverty. Back to Zero. Start from scratch. jobless. unemployed. one of the statistics.

I mumbled my prayers. I thought to myself, "Lord, I surrender to your will, take control of me as I go towards the unknown." This is one of those times, I'm sure I'll remember when I grow gray. For I have given up the wheel and let God drive the vessel for me. Today, I feel borrowed.

I am desperate. I am in fear. I am afraid to be lost. I am afraid to go without direction. I am scared to face whatever it is that I am up against. I think I've gone insane. I think I've lost control over these emotions.

So there in that rusty old jeepney, I sat looking away. I sat in deep agony. I sat drown with my fears. In that rusty old jeepney, I was able to ask God for mercy. I was able to...

Surrender.

I like you but...

It's just so hard to let this heart control my whole being for now.
It's just so hard to come into open and tell you this 'cause I'm leaving and I don't want you being left.
It's just so hard to let you know 'cause you might be surprised how this liking has become more deep.
It's just so hard to let you feel attached when I don't know if I can hold on as long as you want.
It's just so hard to let you feel attached when I don't know if you can hold on as long as I want.
It's just so hard to give you hanging for promises I cannot keep.
It's just so hard to keep things in the low key when I decide to keep it up.

You will never understand what I've been doing and I don't understand it myself.

I wish to tell you how special you are to me. This is the first time someone has come this far.

and it starts today

Foolish...

Believe it or not, I've had that idea in mind a couple of times and more. Why, this is way beyond unimaginable. Sometimes when I wake up, I always feel like it's just one of those weird dreams I'm fabricating to sleep. But hey, it isn't. This is real. This will happen. This is gonna be the next.

I told my friends about this long long time ago. You know, the times when you had everyone in your high school group of friends, evaluating each one's achievement for the past four or five years after graduating... This is one of those things I intend to quite "passingly" mention. And still when I had this finally figured out and decided about, they were shocked.

This is not one of those "pa mystery effect" my friends do often tag me, but this is something more private. I mean, I just cannot mention the details of this as it is very personal and quite confidential. Maybe the pride is bugging me again, but I can't afford to fail. I hope not.

So then, I decided to quit my job, gather my resources, pack my bags, and head somewhere else to find a nest or perhaps build one for my own. My friends took this decision as busted, lame and stupid. And seriously, I understand the concern. I feel so blessed to have people who worry about me and my future but I find it better to have people behind my back, though doubtful, would just tap me and say, "hey it will be okay!"

Wouldn't it be nice to feel secured even if you feel like falling apart? Wouldn't it be nice to feel a lot confident even if you don't know what happens after it all? Wouldn't it be nice to have comforting people who ignite the fire in you and console you all at the same time? My point is, more than anything else, I need moral support. I need all the assurance that I can get.

Tell you what, I know that this is the right time for me. The peak, the point of my life when I should try, but up until now, I'm still convincing myself that this is the right thing, that this is the bravest decision to date.

It might be worth the try or not, who knows? But I know that this is more than the bravery, this is a learning, this is a learning to be brave, this is a learning to go for something I want.

So many questions asked upon me, how am I supposed to react when I don't know the most intricate details. I have plans but of course, sometimes, there's this thing called "acts of God". This is very risky I know but I wouldn't just hide behind my mother's skirt or put on the invisibility cloak, I feel like using my wand and casting the spell, feeling the power within me.

I'm heading there with limited financials but I'm heading there oozing with guts. I know there's a brighter future that awaits me. I believe in prayers. I do believe that since God allowed me to come this far (finally given up my job) I know that He has a purpose. And I am bound to find it out.


Wish me luck. And hey, no negativity alright? :)

Malaysia Spinner

So who says I've completely dished out the idea of Roller Coasters? Sometime, I became brave enough to prove myself. lol

Perhaps, to be able to appreciate how grounded your toes are and how amazing it is to leave beyond the flow of gravity. There is a need for something to hype you up. Going beyond the ordinary touring routine.

If truth be told, I want to try this again. J asked me to go on an extreme swing with her in Singapore but I know my abilities. I know my limits, and surely, I know my tummy. I've deleted the idea of embarrassment, vomiting and all. lol

Anyhow, this is just a small scale coaster. I loved this and I hope we have this here.

This is the spinner from Genting Highlands, Malaysia...



Someday, I'll be able to push through my plans of riding into a heavy, hardcore coaster. Soon.

:P

Time

This might be the perfect time. Twenny fourtooters and all. I'm confused. I'm drained. I'm over thinking. Nothing guarantees anything. Much more, all we need is to take some risk.

And the chance to make it happen.

I'm singing this by heart...and yes, soul too!