immortal

...because friends do come and go, all I have is myself to depend on.

Some lines I heard from a song. And it seems true to me. No matter how friendships are built, no matter how solid and long-time it is, there will always be that factor that drives us to a point where the friendship is best defined. Distance for example can be a very demanding factor.

I guess what I need to have as new year's resolution is the fact that I can be with myself in plain security. Sometimes when you have so much friends, the tendency is to develop a barrier between you and other people not belonging in your cycle of friends, and even worse is the barrier you develop within your self. The presence of a person can be very consistent thus, you get used to it and eventually, if she leaves you, you'll end up hanging in open air.

Friends do come and go but even if I know the idea, I just can't seem to detach myself a little bit more clearly. It's difficult to develop fondness and eventually spit it out for the sake of letting go. But everyone needs to move on. Everyone who seems to say goodbye to someone needs to be empty to let the others enter her life.

A goodbye is not the end, it is a bridge to a lasting and more colorful friendship. The fact exists that everything will never be the same again but even then, the memories would always make you feel the same. I love to think that I am not that emotional but this is the time of my life when I need to let go and think of myself. I need to break loose and just go with the flow.

As I welcome 2011, it should be on a lighter, positive and funny note. I choose to stay as calmly and positive as possible. This is the stage of adjustment and life's like this.

So bring it on, 2011! =P

last hooray

Surprise!

Best word that I can come up to whenever I think about my life in twenty ten. It's like a gift hurriedly wrapped in plain, ordinary and simple clean sheet but the moment I opened it, I saw a diamond ring. It's like a drama movie but I end up laughing. It's like a hate letter I received from few of my detractors only to realize I read the apology and the renewed support and love. It's like an old flame realizing He's still in love with me after the major breakup. hahaha Sweet life! (beyond thinking na ata yan)

But really, 2010 has brought me a lot of memories I am sure I would treasure. Some said hello and some said goodbye. The cycle of life, but no matter what, it has still been a memorable year for me.

At 23, what, year of the ox? (I'm not sure) I have been blessed with a lot of opportunities. I have been bombarded with a lot of chances for growth and I have been poured with self- discoveries. And of course, Thank you God for all my travels. It means a lot to me.

Anyway, I'm ending it with a huge bang. Huge because I know 2011 is surely a different one, I want to be more brave, bare and spirited. I say goodbye to hundreds of my doubts and fears and frustrations. I say goodbye to my lost chances. I say goodbye to those I thought I knew and those I thought I believed. I say goodbye to broken promises. I say goodbye to unending wait for one true love. Goodbye and damn you Love! lol

Kidding aside, I need to dive. I need to take a leap and try.

Surprise is what's in for me. Surprise is getting my hands wet, splashing waters and running towards an unknown path. Surprise is to break free and move to glide. Surprise is making things happen.

Surprise me 2011! =)

overboard

My one true love, Christmas season!

There is something in it that gives me the inner joy I always wanted to feel. There is something in it that creates in me a tingling feeling of satisfaction, of completeness and most absolutely, gratefulness.

There is so much to thank Him for. The chances he gives are unimaginable.

Anyway, this season brings in me a lot of realizations. This is somewhat an out of the ordinary season for me as it stirs in a lot of emotions. Perhaps, I can say that I am growing up. I get to feel more and more of it. The self-discovery and more challenging is the acceptance.

Ho Ho Ho Ho! amidst my Hu Hu Hu Hu...

This year, It brings about all the excitement. That aside, I am half- hearted. Maybe this is my way of learning things. This is fate's way of teaching me things I ought to know.

And the flashback hit me, I am not an island, I am not that someone who is capable of staying strong the whole time within her dilemma. I choose to be weak this time. I choose to feel how it is to feel this way without suppressing my slightest emotions. I am not that immune with heartaches. I hate to think about it but that's the truth. There's no sense denying that.

When I was in kindergarten, I was popular with those whom they call, kids who got the "talent". I'd top every kid in my class in my aim to get a straight A in "vocals", why, I've got the loudest scream when my mother tends to leave me.

Funny but the present situation I am in drew me to my realization that all through out those years, I am not that independent. I would like to believe that I can stand alone and carry everything over my shoulders but in me is a kid. In me is the same kid who cried the loudest when somebody tends to leave me. In me is the kid who screams out loud and shriek, begging my mother to accompany me until my teacher says "dismissed". In me is the kid who tugs my mother's skirt and tells her to wait for me. In me is the kid who seeks company and belongingness. In me is the same kid who had trouble with anxiety.

I've gone a long, long way. I've traveled vast across lands and seas but still I have the same problem. But everybody needs to say goodbye and most logically, everybody needs to move on.

Anyhow, I know that this is just a phase. This is just a part of my growing up. I know I can handle this but I need time. I need space and I need support.

See, Christmas season is much defined nowadays. But even so, this is still my favorite time of the year. More Love and Love, that's all I need!

masko!

Family Affair!

Funny how my company party turns out to be a family affair. From my fab dress to my unique mask, everyone's just too busy for it. It's not as if I'm complaining instead I am delighted and grateful to know that everyone is helping me out.

So, the party is like in two days. There goes my black dress shining like a black horse's hair. There goes my shoes(my gosh! I'm not so sure if I'd be able to carry it very well), there goes my mask (It did not hide anything), there goes the accessories, oh I forgot, I haven't got any yet.

Anyhow, I am excited for Saturday's event. I'm not so sure if I'd be looking like a gossip girl coming out from the elite society of New York City, perhaps, I'd just be one of the crowd, normal looking, not so pleasing, not so pitiful. I'd just be me. lol

So yes, my good friend bought her mask in SG. My other good friend made hers and it looked really nice. (remember the girl I told you? The one who I was with in the textile department? with her own concept? It's her). My mate told me that it could've been easier for me if I just bought a ready-made mask, she should know, I am creative by heart. I do not intend to buy because I know I can make it.

Funny how I thought seriously about my concept. I had my way of knowing specifically my materials. It's DIY to the highest level. I slept at four in the morning to do my first mask and decided to undo everything a week after. I have revised my mask three times! And the final output...hmnn for me, it was still unsatisfactory. Boo!

My friend laughed when I told her that my mask did not come as expected. I just wasted my time, effort and money lang daw. But seriously speaking, I have no regrets. I mean, it is such a pleasure to work with thy two hands, with thy brain cells on its active mode and with thy judgment to be reasonably followed. It is only in these kinds of activities that I feel satisfaction, that I feel worthy, and that I feel I can do something extraordinary from the ordinary.

And that led me to the point of realization that I want to be in the creative field. I want to be an architect, an engineer, a designer, or even a simple mananahi. I want to achieve something. I want to see outputs. I want to build concept and make it material. I want to produce and I want more of it.

To top of it all, I want to be a dancer, a professional one, the best in town! lol The irony of aging is that, when you already want to resign from the things you normally do, or says goodbye to those stuffs, it comes right back to you, trying to persuade you, knocking you off so you won't be able to say no. I felt as if this was the start of my dancing career.

Almost three years ago, I got hired, prior to that, I don't do dancing as I am flawed in this field, but the moment I stepped in to this job, there's always this chance of letting me join dances. It became a habit and now it made me think, I must've been a dancer in my past life? YES! lol

But yes, I appreciate how my OLDER sister got so concerned with my look on Saturday's event that she bought me a dress, asked her classmate (in FIDA) how to sew a balloony skirt and voila! called me and instructed me to rush home for my outfit and as soon as she was about to sew my dress, she got fumed and lose the patience, called pop and asked him to come home... the next thing I knew, Pop created my balloony skirt while Mom, as if in spectacle checked every hemline while KR was supporting OLDER sis.

You see, that's how things work in our home. One party can become a party of everyone. So panu, sana man lang may pagkain akong ma bring home? or cash prize kaya? para man lang macompromise ang effort as a family affair?

HMNNNN... pwede! :))

till next time

It isn't just me.

The feeling of emptiness rushing through my veins and even before it happens, I am preparing myself. The truth hurts. The truth guarantees my loneliness and the truth is, I have to face it.

I learned awhile ago that my sister's good friend is feeling just exactly how I feel. You know, seems like a door is closing on your very face. It seems like getting one's self ready for the inevitable and yet, you don't know how.

The sad thing is, no matter how I try to prepare for it, still I just couldn't accept it as easy as I thought. Funny when I think about my sister's friend, trying to gather herself back again. She often refuses lunch invitation because she wants to have it alone. Somewhat, preparing herself for her going solo since my ate is leaving her in CDO. I heard that she's losing it, nakakawalang gana daw since she'll be left alone in their so-called battlefield. And surely daw, she'll miss the times when they do things their way, and that everything will never be the same again.

Pwede maka-relate? Because seriously, that's how I truly feel. I am like a soldier where all my mates went MIA and it's only me who's left, fighting the battle alone. If truth be told, I dread this feeling. This is one of those times I wish I never really cared much about rapport and relationships. I wish I was insensitive. I wish I would never feel like this again.

I know it's for a better reason. I know it has something good in it but no matter how I think about all those goodness and reasons, I just couldn't help myself from falling apart. I just couldn't help but feel like going back to scratch again.

It must be the same feeling when a family have to say goodbye to an OFW family member in search for a greener pasture. I once heard, it pains the one who left but it pains much more for those who are left. I guess that makes sense.

December has in it the excitement and joy but at the same time, sadness and distraught. My good friend is leaving me. After almost three years of being together, from getting hired, experiencing from day one training until daily basis in this bank job, she's resigning effectively on the 31st of December. New Year, would surely be a new year for me.

But anyway, what keeps me going is what I read from her resignation letter, she noted "I thank this company for giving me the chance but I am resigning to PURSUE my OTHER DREAMS". If there's any consolation, it is her, making her dreams come true. And I realized that friendships should be like that. It doesn't matter who's to leave or be left, what matters is the giving in, the support and the care you show for her to grow. No matter how painful it is for me, I have to let her go, after all, it's her life, her dreams to chase.

But I guess, what's left for me are the memories we had together... the good and bad times we shared. (Okay, stop the melodramatic tone. I hate it.) It should come easy, yes, it should be.

But until the 31st of December, I should just chill and let it happen. I've got no hold of everything. I'll just wait for that day, hoping my heart goes blank to avoid pain or opens up to accept the changes.

Wish me luck. And oh, my sister's good friend, since we're on the same shoes. It isn't just me, right?

forward

IMY!

It's been months since I stopped my schooling. Of course, it takes a hell lot of me to just stay where I am and stop my mind from all those negative thinking. I always tell myself that there's a lot bigger picture I am to be into.

Being in school is something that really amazes me. Working and schooling is a different thing. Well, I could not definitely say that everything is so difficult to do. Surely, I had fun moments to recall.

But one thing is for sure, I miss school. I miss how I panic every time I look at the clock and it's close to six pm. I miss how I relay what I learned and talk as if I know more. ( I don't) I miss how I hang out with my classmates even though at times, I can be very, very exclusive. (almost antisocial, pamati much?) I miss how I get these hands cold from nervousness every time my professor would pick a lucky winner to answer his questions (and I'd prayed so hard, I wouldn't stand up and be humiliated)and of course, I miss how Anita and I chit chat secretly over a piece of paper, where all I gotta do is read and write. ( the paper would look like a thrash after) Awww, good times!

Either way, this is a choice I gotta make. This is a decision although rush and unexplainable, I am to believe that I did it for a bigger purpose. I am to believe that everything will be cool. At least I get to rest. I get to have time with some other less-cared things. Or perhaps, it's about time to get a boypren! lol

For now, I'm into steady mode. Keep cool over all these and I know it will pass. It's high time I get to pursue my other dreams. It's high time I get a quality time for people who matters and it's probably high time to learn how to rest. (oh c'mon!)

Anyway, this is it for now. Although IMY school. IMY, my classmates, IMY, my panicking moments... I am looking forward to something more. I am looking forward to a greater chapter. (Hope it includes my love life. lol)

palibhasa bata

Mama, next year na...

And she was like, "Are you sure? Why?"

Wow! At para naman kaming nag-usap ng aking pagpapasakal, este pagpapakasal noh? Ngunit sa di mawaring dahilan, siguro'y ganun na nga ang parang nararamdaman ko. Yun bang, excited na medyo natatakot? Yun bang Handa na pero may ideya pa ring umatras? Yung ganun.

Pero hindi, hindi kasi dapat magdalawang isip sa mga panibagong hakbang na tatahakin. Sabi pa nga, "when in doubt, don't do it"... Eh paano nga kung susundin ko yun, ano nalang kaya ang mangyayari sa buhay ko? Mananatili akong naka hang sa ere. Hindi alam ang gagawin, nakalawit ang dila, magulo ang buhok, blangko ang ekspresyon at walang kabuhay buhay ang mga mata. Ang sagwa!

Naiisip kong siguro ay panahon na. Hindi na naman ako bumabata at kelangan ko ng matutuhan at makilalang maigi ang aking sarili. Isa itong sugal, napakalaking sugal na lahat yata ang itinataya. Siguro nga'y hindi wais ang ideya kong ito. Ngunit sino nga ba ang makapagsasabi kung ano ang wais at ano ang hindi sa buhay na meron tayo dito sa mundong ibabaw?

Ang alam ko segurista ako, pero sa daloy ng aking pag iisip sa ngayon, hindi ko na kabisado. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay yung hindi ako mag iisip ng maraming "what ifs" pag nagkataon. Yun bang, alam kong nagawa ko naman ang gusto kong gawin. Yun bang alam ko sa sarili kong, umunlad man o hindi, atleast man lang naranasan ko. Kaya man o hindi, nag risk ako.

Sabi pa nga, hindi naman lumalakas at tumitibay ang isang tao kung hindi sya nakaranas man lang ng pagkauntog at pagkadapa. Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay kaya nating protektahan ang lahat sapagkat ang pagkadapa at pagkauntog ay isang prosesong nakakapagpatibay sa pundasyon ng ating pagkatao.

Wow, ang lalim nun! O diba? pwede na! Pero gayunpaman, nais ko munang samantalahin ang pagkakataong ito sa aking buhay. Nais kong bigyang laya ang aking sarili upang maranasan ang mga nais kong gawin. Nais kong mabuhay one day at a time ,'ika nga.

Pero hangga't hindi pa naisasakatuparan ang aking mga balak. Ako'y steady muna. May mga plano ako ngunit alam kong mas may malaking plano para sa akin. basta sa ngayun, go lang ng go, kakayanin ang mga pwedeng kayanin hanggang sa...

Abangan ang susunod na mga kabanata... =))

cheesy

Para kang tae, di kita kayang paglaruan.

Define Cheesy.

Parang nauuso ang pagiging keso. When someone tells you something like, "you know, para kang alarm clock..." and you would say, "Bakit?" then he tells you, "kasi ginigising mo ang natutulog kong puso", it is corny right? But then something inside you feels a little more than glad. It feels good.

And sometimes you would wonder, this guy is such a player. You would want to forget his pick up lines, get busy with momentary duties and yet when you remember what he said, you just couldn't help but smile. (babaw ba?lol)

Anyway, I was able to watch MAG as in My Amnesia Girl. I first thought it was a so-so movie. You know how Pinoy movies are, super predictable. But then, this one got me going. I couldn't help my smile and laughter especially on the batuhan ng lines part. Palaban si Irene eh.

And I must say such a career development for Toni G, who I've known, is not much of a on-screen kisser actress. The previous movies she had with Sam was more of lips to cheek, nose, forehead and hands. This one, wow! amazing, lips to lips na! haha

Anyway, let's not tread deeper on that issue, my friends would react vehemently and more often than not, I am always caught off guard. Oo nga, wala naman akong sinabing masama diba? haha

So yes, I have considerably enjoyed the movie. Sometimes, I can be so into the mood. I know I am capable of being cheesy once in a while. Who cares? Being single does not mean you cannot feel kilig noh! Much is expected pa nga from you eh. Kasi nga, open for business ka pa. (forgive the term)

Anyway, so I guess I am looking forward to more of these. Life is a one way ticket, not only that I pass to it in a flash but I want to have all the fun I could get.

So cheesy? Why not! (paminsan minsan lang naman!) =p

unworthiness

I don't get it.

Every time I hear his name, I only have the word, "IRRITATION" written in my mind. My veins have mind of its own, the blood rushes through channels and would stagnate inside my brains. It takes awhile to regain my sanity. I feel really bothered and feels capable enough to destroy a hollow block in one karate chop. (violent eh noh?)

Oh really, I don't want to sound as if I'm that sporty because I know I am not. (I have accepted that) but this guy is so capable of making me feel these sensations. Mygosh! Makakalbo ako sa kakaisip sa kanya. The nerve!

Okay, I could not discount the fact that we've been friends. Long ago, yes we did. And somehow, we shared moments and memories I am supposed to cherish. What went wrong? I don't know. I just realized one day, something has gone wrong. Our ways drifted apart.

Maybe I lost the connection, or maybe I must've realized he has something within him that's so weird, the kind that you would dread and would possibly make you believe he has a maluwag na turnilyo. Or maybe...just maybe, I heard stories I did not expect to hear from him.

Can't you recognize rejection when you hear one? Why force yourself on someone who has no interest? Can't you feel what I am trying to show you? Can't you just go and leave me alone? These questions are what I wanted to ask him for so long.

I know this is mean but I just couldn't help it. What transpired before was long forgotten. Tell you what, we couldn't be just what we were before because, now is different. Now is the present. Now is what I am currently into and that does not involve you.

Sure, you want us to be friends but you should've known me, I don't like people pushing me. I don't like dictations as I am full of it. You should've known that the more I am pushed, the more I am to rebel. The more that you demand something from me, the more I intend not to give it as I don't want to be pinangungunahan. Call me stubborn, I don't care!

Have this note inside your head: "Let time do its wonders." Someday, I might come to you and act as if nothing happened. Someday, I might connect with you again... And that "someday" should not be imposed by you.

For now, leave it as it is. Let me heal, let me figure things out on my own and let me be ME.

I hope you get this!

truly asia

Fantastic!

Being in a place where 99% are strangers is something new and exciting. My eyes would grow its widest just to observe how these strangers act in their own land. I would enjoy sitting by the pavement and looking around. My mind would do its wander and I would forget what time it is, where I am and how I was able to get there. I am lost in my observance.

It's like travelling into a place where all you have is yourself and your English. And of course, some money to get by. It's like dreaming but you'd find yourself lost in the vision of your dreams as it comes to reality.

So, Malaysia was what I kinda envisioned. The place, the view, the language and of course, the bigger component, its people. Kuala Lumpur is like a hybrid of the rich and the poor countries. It stands in between. It has in it various religion, various culture and economic wisdom. (Why economic wisdom? Currency at 14php equivalent, streets wide and smooth, It's like PH's upgraded version)

Fortunately, our hotel is just along Bukit Bintang, a stretch of malls and shops as well as bars and pubs are gathered meters away. It's like the center of Kuala Lumpur where what you see is a diversity of culture and of races. You'd get to the window and 12am is so alive, with the music on, the lights glow and the people out. (so different from home)

Honestly, arriving there was a disappointment at first. The taxi driver announced the fare without the meter on. The side streets are not much of a good sight. I hate how guys looked and pry about your affairs. It's not much of a developed country I had in my mind. I mean, coming from SG a day before, I have in my mind, a similar structured place, or yes, some slight difference. Just slight. I told myself, I don't like it there. I have no reeason to come back to KL but Only to find myself confused a day after.

While riding the monorail, I saw the other side of the city. I saw in particular, the other side of our road. In fact, my first night was wasted since I was not in the mood to go out and chose to sleep earlier than expected. I only realized I was missing a lot on my second night...

I told my good friend that we go strolling along our road as I saw the huge malls along it. We hiked the northern stretch and ohmy! I saw what I was looking for. The shops, the bars the night sights was simply awesome. What made it more fantastic is the lights. Christmas is in the air in KL!

I was amazed at how those people prepare for christmas. It seemed to me that every mall would never really claim to be one if it has no christmas tree. The christmas lights made me feel delighted. I felt so right to be just there. In my mind, This is a Moslem city and yet, Christmas is something very special here. I just felt somehow weird as I saw them taking pictures by the Christmas trees as if they also celebrate Jesus' nativity. (Do they? I'm not so sure... I have yet to know!)




Anyhow, I loved how I experienced twin towers. It was simply one of those memories, I am so sure I'd cherish in my graying days. The rain never stopped us. Funny how we made a short walk into the fountains and counted from one to three to look back and feel the magnificent twin towers. And truly, I am in awe.



Meanwhile, we took a cab which brought us to Titiwangsa park. I remembered the driver told me, "there is nothing much to see in there, you better try KL sentral" and I was like, "really?" and told myself, "why did bea and john lloyd's movie set in this place?" Only to find out exactly just why...

Early on, I was about to prepare my stone with the words, "IKAW PA RIN..." written on it. (Bea and Lloydie's movie- inspired haha) Though it never materialized, it is an honor to have stepped in to it, where the movie was being shot. (I felt like Bea Alonzo! lol)

The park was so huge and has a lake on it. The fountain was nice and even nicer is the serenity felt in and a bonus, the twin towers as the background with its reflection on the water's surface! I thought to myself, "the driver must've really missed the idea of peace and calmness while watching the birds up in the sky, the trees and grasses dancing in delight and the silence speaking to you as you sit by one of the benches". For me, the place was heaven. Three minutes would make me forget my burdens, my frustrations and perhaps, my lost love (as if? haha) Anyway, it is where mother nature would whisper how special I am to her.

On the other hand, anxiety is what I felt when we catch the plane back to SG on our third night. I was so worried we would be left by the plane and rode on a taxi from downtown to the airport. Gosh! We spent a fortune for it. But I couldn't afford losing more to rebook our flight. (I am traveling on a budget, for pete's sake!lol)

Again, as the saying, leave nothing but footprints, bring nothing but memories and take nothing but pictures... in a way, I felt that my stress has been left there as well, as I said hello to singapura again!

Supecalifragilistcescpialidocious Singapore! =)

ultimate trip

Twists and turns, buckets of rainwater, plane leaving, lost touch...

Haah! Few of the things we experienced in both countries abroad.

Gosh! whenever I remember everything, I just couldn't help but feel the tension building up again and again. The pressure and the sweating is too much in a day's work.





Singapore was awesome. What made it more wonderful is the fact that we are all first timers in Singapura. Delightful! Imagine my eyes go round everytime I look into the menu and bring in my calculator to convert the price for a piece of bread filled with veggies and a pour of mayo. I couldn't help myself from thinking how many kilos of rice would my one burger meal cost in the Philippines.



Horror is felt when every time we find that the MRTs are closing since we were still out at 12am. The taxis would be costing much as 50% is added to the original metered fare. My mind would go down the distance to compute conversion. And I thought to myself, if I were to stay there, I guess I'd be doing my own gardening to save much more.

The clothes were of course, at its best. Top of the line and hip. I would imagine myself doing the ramp with those on along orchard road or perhaps inside Vivo City. I'd be wearing boots and scarfs to its maximum, but hey wait! Singapura's weather is just like ours. (Erase the boots and scrafs!)

Marina Bay Sands, for me, was an opportunity. It seemed to me like a huge door inviting me to come over and have my CVA or resume be passed as a receptionist or something else just to enjoy the luxury it has nonstop. But of course, they laughed when I told them my theory. I came to a conclusion that Marina Bay hotel is a modern Noah's Ark. See the form? It looks both a plane and a boat rolled into one. Perhaps, when the big flood is soon to rise, enough to delete the sinful surface of the earth, the marina bay's hotel, would come and float, enough to save only those who can afford its ticket. Absurd? Hmnn... this is just me and my theory. lol




Anyway, gotta talk more of the places and the people soon... this is just it for now. I have to do the dishes, sweep and mop the floors. Oh! this is my way of preparing myself to live abroad, maybe in SG soon. haha *wink*

masks out!

Glitters, feathers, laces, rhinestones and stick glue: A way to ward off being blue!

So here it is again, our every-two-years company Christmas party! Woohoo!

Although, I don't expect a lot of spectacular activities in store as well as spectacular cuties come storming the gathering, I am hyped up for the event. This is once in a blue moon. This is something grand, a party thrown by the biggest and brightest bank in the Philippines (ahem, biased? haha)

Two years ago, we had the same event but with a different theme. That was Disney- inspired, something animated like a cosplay. I came sporting a sailormoon outfit (which I am so proud of coz I made it myself, with regards to eye bags the next morning) while all the others came with outfits rented from party hosts and children party's attractions alike.

This year is much of the sophisticated, mature and mystical effect, everyone is expected to be in black with a stunning mask on! Fabulous right? Well, It can be more fab if it's to be attended by most of my age bracket. (hushhh lol)

As the youngsters in the branch, we were told to gather the ideas for the masks that we will be wearing and that the designs should be in coordination with all of our bankmates. The task was rather simple because it is an enjoyable task. Perhaps because it has something to do with my first love: the arts.

So J and I hiked the malls with minds full of concepts. (Thanks to the internet for giving us most of it!) We visited stores one after the other and finally settled in a shop for the tailors. (thanks to the tip of client tailor I talked one sunny afternoon) We went merry-go-round to find the best materials for the concepts we have in mind and finally decided to do separate purchase of materials with our own concepts to avoid confusion and to keep focus on the established personal concepts.

We went from the bookstore to textile section. And funny how we got surprised that other branches are preparing big time for it because of us. We were spotted on the textile section while we were eye-ing for a good cloth for the mask and they interpreted it as something like, J and I are buying cloth for our to-be-sewn-custom-made-gowns! Gosh, they were threatened! lol

I made a sample and end up getting sermonized by mother dearest 'cause I slept early in the morning for it. I have to say that, the sermon part was a bit okay because the satisfaction I felt when the mask was done, was overwhelming. I could not imagine buying a one to two grand worth of mask for that specific event plus shipping and extra charges. That's too much! Why buy when I can make with my bare, soft and candle-like hands? (forgive the adjectives)

Anyway, my hands are full as of now, I was asked if I can make all 8 masks and I was speechless. I think my silence just gave them the idea of them making their own masks. (you see, silence can mean everything)

Either way, I'm still trying to improve my hand-made mask. I am still figuring out how to make an elegant, sophisticated, mystical and fabulous mask all in one sitting!

Wish me luck, I need more of it! =))

let loose!

Yeehaw!

November's here and one thing defines it: MAJOR TRIP!

You can tell how excited I am. I'm feeling dandy as days grow closer.

It's this emotion you feel, when somebody you're attracted to says Hi! and even stays for awhile to talk to you. It's the same feeling when you receive your first text message from him telling you, how lovely you were or perhaps, telling you how he enjoyed the talk you had early on. But even if the text message would just read a simple "Hi!" or ":)", you just can't stop yourself from saving it or categorize it to a new folder labeled under his name. (Not guilty! haha)

It's this feeling when a call would mean so much to you even if what you say is always, "Hello" or more of, "hahaha" or a simple "yeah". It's intoxicating. It is so much refreshing. It's like a breath of fresh air from all day's airconditioner occupation. Surely, this is something to look forward to.

And so, just like any other important event, I dare not to preempt anything by foretelling what would transpire. Just like a budding of romance. Any boy-meets-girl-stories would be best enjoyed if every degree is enjoyed and unadultered by false pretenses. A simple "Hi" can lead to "Hey" in text messages then to "Hello" in phone calls and yes, "I miss you, I miss you too" finally, "I love you, I love you more". The series of events.

BUT...the sad reality is that: the preparation is overwhelming, the happening is liberating and the ending is surely heartbreaking. But every good thing comes to an end. It is the memories that would make it a lifetime fixture. Just like relationships right? The song with these lines: "I remember the boy but I don't remember the feeling anymore" would prove that. (that's the only line I know from that song lol)

But then again, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." True! In association with trips, it is better to have saved and spent than never to have gained memories at all. These experiences are something worthwhile. Let's see that especially on graying days when all your grandchildren do gather, tag your skirt and tells you "Grama, what's your twenty-teener's like?"

By then, I'd position my loose skirt, ask one of them to get my glasses, put in my dentures (den..what? lol) and yes, I need a glass of water with dissolved memory enhancer. (Hope my memory works perfectly fine, detail by detail, punto por punto)
I'd love to see their eyes sparkle, lit in enthusiasm and me, bombarded with unending preppy questions.

Anyhow, this is it. I promised myself alot of these travels, I dreamt about this unfailingly. It's high time...

So there, I say... Hello! And I love you! Sweet November =)

HS secrets

Whoa! Hold it right there!

I am not sure if I'd be feeling little cute, flattered or annoyed. Because obviously, I am surprised to know something from the past.

So there, there goes my former classmate coming out from nowhere asking me stuffs I am not sure if I'd be willing to answer. But as politely as I can I still answered him. And he told me something I am surprised to know about...

He asked if I was okay, and I said yes, fine and quite busy. He then asked what I am busy about, I told him, well ordinary everyday life. He then followed up and told me that I am busy with my bf and I just laughed. I don't wanna answer stuffs like that, come on! Then all of a sudden he asked if I can be courted, and I was like? huh? Then he said, and this struck me, "You are nice, others might not have seen that, but I did", "I might court you, if only to continue my HS plan". Whoa!

That's too much! Mygosh! and I was like, "what was your HS plan?" he replied, "secret", I said, "hey, that's a thing of the past, might as well spill it" he said "you were my crush back in HS". And I just laughed. He said, "I've been wanting to court you but you were so PAMATI" from there, I couldn't control my laughter! Whew!

That was too much of a revelation. He was my classmate. He was one of those always sitting in front row, silent and always timid. I don't think I have ever spoken to him before, if there was a time, I am sure it is quite passing, something civil and those stuffs. I've never had a hunch about him crushing me. Being the HS student that I was, I am situated in the last row, source of the many noises, one of the minds on most of the crazy, funky ideas that have been produced. We were worlds apart. Yes, I am quite certain about that.

After more or less six years, Wow! this is something. I've never known someone crushing me back then. I was way too busy with all my bullying anthologies. But quite well, I am politely discouraging him.

Anyhow, I wish him well. I am sure this is one of those reasons why High School rocks! We'll get past high school fever. Like my getting past my High School crush!

prenup- shall!

Weddings...

All I can picture is bliss. The excitement, anxiety and perhaps challenge. One of those thoughts, I know, worth living for.

Blame it to the various prenuptial pictures I've been browsing these past few days. I mean, you know, the photographer really captured the inner emotions. I felt how they feel. I felt I was in the picture.

Someday, I'll have mine too. It made me imagine my future prenuptial. Perhaps, I can marry young. I want to. It's possible, isn't it? Marrying at maybe, 24 or 25 or 26? Wow. Seems to me, I'd be marrying next year... handa na kaya ako?

But the bigger question is, Saan na ang groom ko? haha

My friend and I talked about our future partners, the more I imagine him, the more I am convinced that I need someone who can be my best buddy. Someone I can hangout with, perhaps share my deepest emotions, share part and parcel of my day and share the littlest of my travels. Someone who can be a really really good friend, ride in my mischiefs, laugh in my shallowest ideas. Hah!

I can imagine holding hands while taking time walking around the park, go biking, eating ice cream, the littlest of actions would mean so much. Going on for an escapade elsewhere, something light. I swear, I've to fill in as I am very particular with details. This may sound too koreanovela or cutesy but, that's what I want. I want a relationship bound by friendship taking a higher form. I want something of that sort or nothing.

My friend told me, it's pure Idealism. Would it be too much to ask for something like that, considering my waiting time? Considering the time I spent patiently waiting and hoping that someone would just come along and enter my life? Would it be too good to be true?

I certainly hope not. I live for it. I live for the thought that someday, everything I pray for, just happens. It may take a toll on me but who cares? This is my life. I am bound to live by my rules as long as I know I am reasonably compelled by it.

I know weddings are not purely perfection. Along with it is a bigger future, heavier resposibilities and greater thought for a continued life. But come on! Let's skip that part, I dare to think of its light form.

Come to think of it, at 24? MRS. Precious Tolon- ________! haha happy thought indeed. Can somebody fill that in? lol

tied up

Things to do: TOO MANY TO MENTION

Alright, I made a list on the things needed to be done. Boohoo! Not a single of it erased and labeled done. I think that I've got so little time, so little money for it. Some things are just put in priorities. And needless to say, these things are tied up and depend upon the upcoming trip.

What do I have but a single job, a single salary, a single source of money. I'm trying my best to cope financially. (I know this is off lol). Funny as it may sound, money is that needed. Practically, almost everything requires money.

But of course, I cannot argue that it guarantees happiness. Working in a bank, proves and objects that, depending on circumstances. My daily routine is to oversee everything that involves money. At times, they can just be plain papers, counting it is like counting cards (the one you play when you were younger).

Anyway, First on my list is my driving. Pop wouldn't allow me unless I enroll myself in a driving school. (Doesn't he know driving schools charge too much? It's as if I'm learning to pilot an airplane.) Boo!

Then of course, my overdue laptop repair. It costs much. I'm contemplating on buying a new one, perhaps a smaller one. (But I am afraid of my theory that I am indeed cursed on computers) Another big boo!

What to do? What to do? Be steady. I don't wanna rush. I need to set goals. And of course, I need to weigh which to do first. I cannot do everything at once, can I? Oh whatever!

For now, I'd just be waiting for the perfect time. Perhaps, when I get back! Weeeeee!

waking up in es-gee!

'Cause that's what you get for waking up in ES-GEE!

So how many days to go?

Less than 2 weeks? OHMY! This is gonna be it.

This is something insanely huge. Topping it for the "why list" is that... I am emptying my savings for it. In fact, I'd be indebted. How poor can I go? How low can I bargain? I don't actually know. Tentatively, it runs a little more than twenty grand excluding of the travel fare. But Geez, Who cares?

I'd be packing my bags, downloading songs on my ipod, gathering maps and saving all the more. I can't wait. Once again, I am running into a bigger scope. It's like climbing a mountain, the climb is tedious, amazingly tricky and sure needs a lot of energy. But once you get into the peak, see for yourself, it's worth every sweat!

And until such time I'd be tucking myself with a seat belt, turning off all my electronic devices, listening carefully to heart-known instructions and praying silently for safety, I'd just be crossing my fingers.

I can't wait to wake up with someone next to my face...errrr.. with the sunlight on my face. ( Typo! sorry!) haha

Anyway, until then! wake me up when October ends. Yeehaw! =))

Rush

And my sister blurted out, "magkaka boyfriend na yan, Ma". And I was like, "who?". She said, "You!"

Wow! Buti pa sya alam nya, ako hindi. Unexpectedly, my mother's face lit up. She giggled and went on to ask on who's the lucky guy. "Secret!", she heard me.

Sometimes, I am confused with my parents' reaction really. They seem to be so protective of me, telling me not to have a relationship yet, enjoy my being single and stuffs. Then one moment, they're out there, telling me I am twenty three and I need to explore relationships. They're excited.

Tell me, Saan nga ba ako lulugar? There's no one to blame but my mahaderang older sister. How imaginative of her to link me with this guy I barely knew. (alright, he's the one I am crushing with). My mother is asking me nonstop. I never knew she have known about someone... hah! I thought she was blind, ako pa ang nasorpresa. hayyy

Kung ako lang, okay na sana eh. Kaso nga, hindi pinipilit. My point is, let it flow naturally. The cycle of things. The PROPER series of events. I am not rushing. I am in a steady mode. Going solo is alright, I'm used to it!

Anyway, Rushing na ba ito? Wala naman sigurong expiration diba? Errr... (wala bga ba? how about at 33?) =)

private property

Disaster!

Geez! I never imagined it could be this uneasy. It's purely trivial and intimidating. Blankly, I hate it.

I hate how my mother is involved with facebook and my father as an accessory to the crime of spying on me. Mygosh! Surely, this is something new. All my comments, remarks, posts and even a simple like on a statement are familiar to them. Those friends who constantly comment on my shoutouts, they seem to investigate. Hello world. What the heck?!

This should not come as something really really irritating right? When your parents are innovative enough to cope with the changing times? When your parents are possibly protecting you from all the harm an unwanted stranger comments? Or when the parents are learning digitally? Duh.

The more I think about it the more I begin to want that my password be changed (because admittingly, my password is stored and my mother can easily open or should I say hack my account?). Or yes, probably block my mother from my friend's list? (Is it possible?? I hope!) Oh well, all I want is to regain my privacy.

I don't wanna regret the day I taught my mother to use the internet and forcibly make her hear my promotion for her own facebook account. I regret the day I introduced her to my medium. Big time.

Anyways, I should look at the bright side... I should. Yes, yes, I should. (I'm not convinced either). Haaaah! Whatever mother! This is a facebook disaster! :/

I crush you!

Getting all hyped up. I saw his picture and there goes my heart, poppin like a mad motorbike.

I wish, I wish... Well, this is unsolicited. I promised myself to keep mum about certain aspects in my life. They're calling me desperate, I find it really pathetic. I hate how I get affected with the things I hear, those things worth not to be heard as it strike deep emotions. I hate how people take control over my emotions. I don't need dictations. I am full of it.

Anyway, my sister is so excited. It started with my excitement, letting her know that I am crushing someone who's from somewhere, a friend of a friend. I gave her the link and told her to check him out... WHOA! As expected, she finds him really really cute ( like I do) and more.

I had the best laugh when she told me, she's gonna befriend him on facebook, tell him about my being crushing him. haha plus the blackmail! then the gut feeling and the daydreaming of mister cuteeey whom she wants to have "lihi" with! Crazy crazy sister! ( Are we really sisters? I'm not that crazy! hahaha)

I learned he's just like me. You know, we have the same blood running within us. We have the same song playing over and over again. We have the same rhythm, slow but active. Oh well, to say the least... I wish he'd get to notice me. (oh there I said it!)

My sister is up to so many things. Her mind is so advanced, I cannot cope. This is indeed 21st century. I cannot believe it, She's teaching me how to flirt! I am enrolled in her so called "Flirting 101". OMG! Things have changed really. Is it her way of revenge? Bullying me to get even? hahaha

But seriously, ahhhhh.. this is so embarassing. This is one of the craziest post ever! Hush Hush..don't tell :/

Ambitions

Sayang ka!

Wow, words I think I do not want to hear. Words I expect not to hear from people who knows me best especially when it pertains to currently made decisions. I think that it provokes regrets and disappointment. It provokes lowliness rather than rising up.

But sometimes, it provokes better thinking...

We were having lunch in our very own office pantry and our boss joined us. I was silent for awhile as I am worried about the upcoming school exam. I just sat there, staring at the wall point-blankly. Then I heard my boss said something. I did not mind because I thought she was talking to my other mate. I heard her mumble, "Pee!" so I looked at her and she told me...

"What is your ambition?"

I was surprised and said "So random, Why do you ask ma'am?" She told me that she was just curious. And I said, "Well, one thing's for sure, I never imagined myself in a bank. I was just devastatingly tempted to apply for it because my friends are here and the training is in Manila" She laughed and told me the words that truly got my attention...

"Sayang ka!, If I had a face, a built and a height like that, I would've applied for the right job" And I was like, "what do you mean ma'am?" She then told me, "Well, I can see that your personality is not much of a banker type, those typical attitude, yours is more of the people-person, adventurous, fun-loving, very light, I can see that in Facebook" and there I laughed so hard. The Facebook got her, Marami na kami!

The lunch went on with a lot of sharing. The super spacious pantry (as in knee to head lang ang distance) was filled with intriguing questions. I shared that I want to go somewhere, start something out, go here and there, they too agreed but really in the end, the words of my boss hit me.

See, if she can see that in me, then it must be true. My world belongs to a more creative and productive niche.

Anyway, my motto for now is "steady, steady lang". I know that God has bigger plans for me. If I really belong to the world of showbiz (carry mo?) I really belong to it no matter what. hahaha

Basta, someday there's nothing to prove because I know there's something in store for me. I think that I have a bigger purpose. I think that the goals I set fall short of that bigger purpose. (hmmnn, so go na sa convent? hehe)

Sayang ako, Sayang ako pag hindi magiging sayo! (yan ang attitude!) =)))

moving out

Realizations...

Everyday is a realization. One moment it hit me, the next it does again. Sometimes I begin to wonder, I think I'm thinking too much.

So here comes the fact that I am really interested to go abroad.

Perhaps, I could find a work there,live and settle. I don't know. I am really tempted to explore the world. It is within my reach. But what's stopping me is the thought of my parents. I mean, I could not just move out and transfer someplace else. My mom's health is unpredictable. Pop's with her. I feel that I am to stay beside them. I feel that I have the purpose to stick with them whatever happens.

The confusion is between my goals and sticking to home. I am young, If there's something young people do, it is to explore the world outside the box. Alright, I do have my share of those fair trips but what if I want to stay longer in such a place? I think I am compelled to just stay where I am right now.

The thought kills me because I want to be happy. It's not as if I am unhappy about things but I need to try it on my own. This may be a lame excuse and a fool's idea but I am not running away. What I want is to be independent. I want to know my limits and perhaps take full charge of my daily activities. This sounds rather absurd coming from a twenty three year old, but darn! that's what I want.

Anyway, I have made initial plans about it. I know it's never easy. But when will I try? When will i risk? When I am older? See, the clock is ticking. As much as I want to think that I am happy and contented with my career and the series of events in my life, I need to just dive. I need to try or I might end up with series of "what-ifs".

Sometimes I think that my mind is overused as it comes to realizations. Could it be possible to realize with your heart? Or boom, with the heart through the mind? Because If that's the case, both my mind and heart is overused. :/

Till we meet again

If it's meant to be, then it is meant to be...

The irony of it all is that, even sayings, quotes or whatever you call it, has its own counterpart. In this case, "It's you who make your own destiny."

Isn't it confusing? complicated? and extremely doubtful? Ah... the true meaning of life.

So now to the story proper...

A good friend finally decided to take off. She has finally decided to just let go and dive. I remembered the night she texted me and said, "Pee, I have told them" and surprised, I am not. I have been expecting it. In fact, I have expected it to happen early on.

We were two separate individuals bonded by the career we chose. We met years ago in college and haven't really known each other until the moment we sat in the airport waiting for our jet. That was almost three years ago. But perhaps it was destiny. I remembered applying for another bank before graduation. I had my interview days after. One day, I went there and talked to the personnel and while I was leaving, she came by the door, looked at me, never with a smile. The rest, I swear I told myself she was a snob.

Later, I found out, just like me, she was in the same company that I am in. We took the training hand-in-hand. Days grew and I got to know her. We have shared various memories. And most often than not, It makes me smile. The way she blurts out her remarks, the so-lady-like moves, the rapid facial expressions. I knew she was different. I was shocked we shared the same workplace. Day by day, it's her that I get to see and talk to. She have become a good good friend. I found my "kakampi" in her. And now, after two years... I am to be alone.

I wonder what would my career life be without her. I wonder if the branch is still the same without her. I wonder if I ever find someone who can be so weird as her. This is one of the times in my life why I always thought that attachments can become really burdensome. This is one of those that I wished I have really prepared for. I hate goodbyes.

It sounds really selfish, but I found comfort in the fact that I have her behind me and vice versa. We shared secrets and even talk about it secretly in the workplace. Our office mates would wonder what we are up to. Sometimes, mouthing words and whispering things we share in common. Those comforts you can only share with not just an office mate but a friend, in and out of the office.

Reminiscing the moments would be painful because as much as I would like things to be the same, there will always be movement. A chance for growth. An opportunity to widen the perspective. And that happens now.

Sometimes, I get to wonder, will I able find the courage to risk it all? To close my eyes and just dive? To make my mind go blank and just flow? To leave everything and begin from scratch? I wish I have the courage. I wish my mind doesn't do all the thinking. I wish my spirit will consent. I wish I would never hear anything from anyone saying "Sayang!"

Ah. Seriously, I think that the thought we had of leaving the career we chose would be materialized and the materialization would be a natural thing. But as I can see, it is really really difficult. I cannot imagine myself zero. I cannot imagine myself thinking and thinking all over again of my rough future. Someone would yell at me, "You lummox! What do you think will you be doing now that you are jobless?" Ah. I wouldn't dare. I am scared.

Oh well. Cowardice is a choice. Or perhaps if I wanted to make a mistake, I should have done it earlier. Or maybe, this is the best time for me to make a mistake and leave, go where the path leads me. What path? See... I am lost.

But there's no worst feeling of being lost than losing someone who had been a very special part of you. But as much as I feel really pathetic, I would like to share the joy of her being completely free. The liberation sure is excruciating. Ah... I can feel it but not as much as she would soon.

Anyway, as I said, should it be destiny, we will see each other again. Same persons, same bonding, different career path. Till we meet again, future FA! (or is it travel agents for free travels?) :D

kanta-a-mahirap

Kahit nais kong magsulat na gamit ang wikang Ingles, sisikapin ko sa pangatlong pagkakataon ang magsulat sa wikang aking nakagisnan.

Kung tutuusin siguro'y kung wala ang telebisyon at radyo, pati mga pahayagan, malamang di ko naman tlaga matututunang magsalita nito. Paano'y sa aming pook, bisaya naman talaga ang pangunahing dayalekto.

Subalit, ang aking pagsulat ay tungkol sa isang napipintong paglalakwatsa este pagkakaroon ng pagkakataong mag aral ng kultura, ng ibang lahi at makatagpo ng mga bagong kakilala. Hindi naman paglalakwatsa yun diba? Datapwat ito'y isang mahalagang kaganapan. Iyon bang maaari mong balik balikan sa iyong gunita kung ikaw'y matanda na at nakaupo na lamang sa silya habang naggagantsilyo.

Ang aking mga paglalakbay ay sadyang napakaespesyal. Lalong dumaraming napupuntahan, lalong maraming natututunan. Para sa akin, ito'y lakbay-aral. Maaaring sa iba'y ito'y ganap na kapritso lamang. Pagsasayang hindi lamang ng pera kundi ng panahon. Ngunit, ito ang masasabi ko, Nandoon ba sila kasama ko? Naramdaman ba nila ang kasiyahang dulot ng mga ito? Ang magmasid, maglakad, makihalubilo at matutong magpahalaga ng buhay sapagkat ito'y maikli lamang? Naramdaman ba nila ang kasiyahang, masidkubre na ang mundo'y hindi lamang umiikot sa sarili? Na ang mundo'y bilog at marami ang nagmamay ari?

Maari ngang naramdaman nila yun ngunit hindi sa pamamagitan ng paglalakbay. Sabagay, ang ugat ng kasiyahan ay sa iba't ibang lebel. Ito ay nasa iba't ibang intensidad. Para sa akin, ang bawat paglalakbay ay nagsasaad ng iba't ibang anggulo ng aking buhay. Bakit ko ipagkakait ang pagkakataong mabuhay sa labas ng iginuhit na kahon? Bakit ko ipagdadamot sa sarili ko ang kaligayahang makita at matamasa ang aking tagumpay? Tayong mga tao ay may iba't ibang hilig. Kung ang iba'y maubos na ang pera sa pagbibili ng mga mamahaling pabango, bag at sapatos, ako'y hindi. Sa paglalakbay ang aking bisyo.

Ewan ko ba, minsan naiisip ko din, kung inipon ko ang lahat ng perang aking iginastos sa mga pagpunta punta sa mga lugar, malamang, makapal ang pitaka ko, ilang numero na din ang laman ng aking account sa bangko. Siyempre, nakakapanghinayang. Sa tagal kong pagtatrabaho, kung iisipin, wala akong yamang naipundar. Wala akong perang libu-libo. Ang alam kong mayroon ako ay... isanlibo't isanlaksa ng mga alaala. Milyunaryo ako sa larawan. Bilyunaryo ako sa karanasan. Ang bawat larawan ay nagsasaad ng napakaraming kwento. Ang alam ko lang, marami akong maibabahagi sa aking mga apo pag nagkataon.

Bakit ba napunta na sa alaala ang kwentong ito? Ah, basta ang napipinto kong paglalayag ay espesyal sa akin. Sana... Sana... ah basta! Sa ngayon, ang mga daliri ko'y pinagkrus ko na. Malapit na. Hindi pa nga ito panahon ng paggantsilyo, marami pang didiskubrehing pasilyo sa kastilyo! =)

keeping mum

Words are indispensable.

In my case, it's complicatedly beyond indispensability.

Sometimes, talking does all the stuffs leaving no room for discovery later on. Where is the surprise in that? Where is the mind-boggling mystery yet to be discovered? Where is the drive to delve deeper to get the whole picture? You see, talking just preempts everything.

Something happened? Not that it's life threatening.

Perhaps, I am just being paranoid. Oh well, a long list of realization. Hear this out! I realized...

...It's high time for me to just be silent from time to time. The problem lies in the sharing of thoughts and later on commanding the topic. It isn't right. Although, it could be fun but it just eliminates the ability of the others to share.

...that the more sharing goes on, the more stories are coming out which should not be told. At least not in a way that could trigger more and more questions, and yes, intrigues.

...that sometimes, my words are used against me. A simple joke can become a fact. It's relayed that fast. Message Relay much? Why do I get this feeling of being taken seriously when I am joking and being taken jokingly when I am serious? Now, I'm confused.

Little do they know about me, or there's probably something within the expression, the delivery, the manner of talking etc. There's probably something with the spark of the eyes, the movement of the lips, the mischief. Really, sometimes I get to be judged just because I have a grim face. And yes, I am oftentimes labeled as a snob. I don't know, I'm sure it's got to do with the face.

Now my solution is to talk less. Perhaps, blogging more? At least in here, this is my private space. A domain for my thoughts. Hmn, the reason why I posted this blog's link and erased it in my facebook profile. I thought, my privacy might be invaded.

Anyhow, "Words can become daggers", that is so true. But I wish to live by "Words like music, eases the burden, strengthens the soul and do away sorrow."

Talk talk talk! =)

love less

And when I asked, "Are you an NBSB no more?"

she replied, "Officially, Today!"

Whoa! So there begins the love story of a recently Ex-NBSB. Exciting, what an understatement. I'm elated., ecstatic, blissful, words that would mean same thing as overly excited and on a super high. After twenty three years, coming out of the shell is quite liberating.

Imagine the barriers you set, the defenses you built and the barricades you created, the things you do for self-protection and perhaps, pain control mechanisms. It's not that easy to let go of all that. It's never easy to gamble especially if it involves feelings. It's like in finance, it depends whether you take the chance and gamble your money on a more risky investment with a promise of bigger income or you take up steady investments, safe capital, less income. It's a crossroad. It's a mind game. It's a game of chance.

Forgive me but I know I am not in the position to state how it feels like but believe me, it's how I feel. Loving someone, romantically that is, is an investment. You win some, you lose more. But it surely depends right? It depends on the cock you are betting on, it depends on the probability of a successful relationship which by the way is to be worked out for both the two of you.

I don't exactly know if I am ready to bet on any cock. I don't think I have the gift of a good judge of character. I am more of the go-whatever-come-what-may type. He who cosmes is he who conquers. Whatever.

But anyhow, I am just happy. I am happy that a new chapter has just began. I am happy thinking that she is happy. I am excited because she is excited. I don't know where it leads her but who would know other than those two people involved in a relationship right?

As for me, the hopes are kinda low. But it doesn't mean, I completely gave up on the idea of that. It's just that, priorities are all mixed up. Less time for love. Whenever it happens, I'd be one lucky hen. Oh crap, did I say hen? I mean, chick!

So there, goodluck my recently NBSB-NO-MORE friend. You deserve the best!

(Perhaps, that's the reason why you have me? )

This Sem Beer

Is it just me or Is it the weather?

December's fast approaching and by that, it doesn't only mean saving more but trying even more. Trying what? Well, perhaps trying to continue every good thing, trying to spend more time with the ones you love, trying to lend a hand or maybe, trying to find a new flame. This world is surely about trying. Every trying begets a result.

The nights seem to be colder, start of the hustle and bustle of city streets. People getting into the rush. Floods of smiles coming up. You know, December means love. It means going out of the orddinary routine and just showing the world how to be happy. If all people would just think like that, It'll be a better world to live in. But sadly, it's too good to be true.

But even so, I love December. I love how busy I am even if the bank pours out all of my energy in a day. I love how the christmas lights do twinkle. There's an inner joy felt in that. I love how the lanterns do shimmer and how the trees grow greener. I just love how it feels. I love Santa Claus. I love Rudolf. I love how passionate people are in doing crafts for decors. I love advent. But most especially, I love how my family gathers during this time of the year. I love everything about it. It feels heavenly. It's as if the things just fall in order.

Maybe if God permits, when I get to wed someone I love, the wedding will be set on December. Just like my mom and dad's wedding. I would make a snow-themed wedding, all white and sparkling. I would pair it with silver. Ah, to dream, it feels so good. But reality check, not possible for now. Why? simple obvious as usual reason.

Anyhow, the weather gets colder, I feel a little older, wants to get bolder and needs someone's shoulder. Whatever, I love December! =)

nothing but letters

There is joy in reading. There is this uncontrollable force that sticks you into a book, a magazine or even a piece of article. As for me, the more personal the article is, the more worthy it is to be given attention to.

Oh no! I'm not trying to pry or be nosy about anything, it's just that I admire spontaneity and candidness in a content. Maybe that's the reason why I'm hooked up with this blogging stuff. But even then, I had this habit of just reading anything and later on sharing it. It's like information dissemination right? A true job for a P.I.O.

A good friend waited for me at the school's lobby, I asked her why she's meeting me there and not at my classroom, I then realized that she's bringing a very beautiful bouquet of white with pink edge petals on it. It was so nice. I saw how overwhelmed she was. Well, that worked Mr. T!

Anyway, I was asked, if you were to be given a gift, not really that fancy, between roses and teddy bear what would you like to have? Teddy Bear. If it was from a future boyfriend? Do you like chocolates? And I was like, "Hey wait, are you an agent of someone?". She just laughed and said, "Dream on!" I was insulted (it hurts). But again I answered her, Oh I'd love nothing but... Love letters!

I find it very sweet. I mean, someone doing an effort writing down his feelings for someone like me. It's very traditional. It's epic. And that's what I love about these letters, time passes by and you still have it. And perhaps, it maybe too traditional but I'm a great fan of the traditionalist.

I have with me my treasure box A.K.A shoe box I had when I was 11. It had in it my most prized possessions: age-old pictures, ink-free pens, an old sash, cute items and yes, letters! Sentimentalist that I am, even the littlest piece of paper with a thrash-like appearance which wrote "Hi" was kept in there. For one good reason, it was from my crush way back.

And then of course the letters. Those of which would be from my constant writing partner, Yappy. As I read the letters, I just couldn't help but smile. Mostly, what's in there were dreams. The vision we had for our future, the flashback of life in years' time. And reading it after more than a decade, the feeling is still there. The zest is readable. And more importantly, I realized that we've lived the dream we had when we were typical kiddos.

The letters were vivid reminders of the future we want to achieve. When I get sad and confused, it's like a therapy. It's like going back to where you really started. It's like a guide, something you look into when you feel that life has coming into a blur. It renews. It revives.

Recently, I have come across love letters from the past. It's not as if it was addressed to me (although I really do hope that) but these letters came from World War II. Isn't it fantastic? I'm sure reading it is like a time machine that transports you to an era so so ages ago. I wish to read one given the chance but most of these letters are in French.

Anyway, I wish to receive one of these later on. I don't have standards on reading one. I am inspired by the movie Letters to Juliet. I hope I get to be one of the secretaries of Juliet and find my own Charlie too. Oh well!

But reading law books is a lot different. I must say, it's much more effective than a sleeping pill. 100 folds more effective. Kidding aside, learning comes from different sources but inspiration comes from different sources in one interpretation.

Well, why the long talk when all I wanted to say is that: Since I love reading, "I am calling somebody to please write me a love letter! Make it fast, Thanks!" :p

Outgrowing emotional attachment

"We've been born together. We've experienced the pain and the laughter. We've always been best of friends. It's you who knows me best."- an old doctor told his privates this same line

I couldn't help but laugh while being told this. The wife told us about how she found her husband doctor talking with his privates on the bed one cold morning. My gosh! Was it due to old age? Or was it... I mean, Nah! It sounds really funny but these instances do happen. Forgive me for rather being restrictive about this, blame it to the fact that I am single! Period.

Sometimes, no matter how we try to keep things burning, it's just not happening. Things come to a point of real change. The things you admire most before, soon you'll grow tired of it. I hope this limits to THINGS and not to PERSONS.

But maybe, it does. I have this cousin whom I really am fond of when I was younger. In fact, he was the little brother that I never really had. He was the extension of my boy toys. I mean, the extension of the recipients of my boy toys. From my pellet guns to fantastic porsche matchbox collection, I have made a will and testament that it's gonna be his the moment I join the worms.

He was my pet. Surely, he got perks I don't share with my other cousins. You can say, he is indeed lucky. But some things just change. Don't get me wrong it's just that, there have been a lot of things gone wrong.

This is not to say that my love was conditional. Sometimes, no matter how we want to keep things the way it used to be, it isn't just revived. Although, the memories we had were more than enough to last me a lifetime really.

I had my first skateboard when I was, I think 11 or 12. It has a spiderman image on it and it was really cool. I called their house and invited him for a spin. I realized he was just too little to ride in it. I told him to wait and stay put as I grab something from the warehouse and later,There he was! Riding my skateboard with a huge helmet on! Sure thing, I had to endure the dust and dirt searching for it.

Then, there was also this instance when V and I came playing by the yard and we decided to climb the guava tree. He came. He was looking up above for me and I saw how he wanted to climb so I told V that I'm gonna come down to get him. V disagreed since he was too small and it was very dangerous for him to join us in our improvised mini tree house. But I insisted. Later to be disturbed by the sermon given to me by my dear mother. I had to endure the belt and the walis ting-ting later on for putting him in danger.

And who would forget, I have snapped him on the econo bed on a ship bringing us to Cebu when I was Senior High. Literally. As I was about to sleep to a different bunk bed beside him, I thought that as the big waves might come humping on the ship, my poor 7 yr old cousin be swept away from the bed and be eaten alive by the waves, the thought scared me. So what I did was unpack my bag, got my extra blanket and tied it on both ends of his bed. My grandma later came to check up on us and was amazed at how I really took the idea of securing my kid cousin.

Funny but out of so many things I did for him, it's always me getting the black and the bruise. But that's what I meant with care. Having to sacrifice for someone dear.

So what went wrong? Well, I cannot give a name to. I think that the bonding we had when we were younger was different as it was on a regular basis. When I reached college, I had a whole new perspective. I was creating an image for myself. I was torn between being responsible and being the playful former-kiddo that I am. I wanted to set an example.

And being the idealistic that I am, I wanted to show them what it's like to be accountable and mindful of my actions. And by being concerned about this, I lose the charisma I once have with him and the rest. Now, they're taking me as a serious, strict, high and mighty older cousin.

It's not as if I am that bothered. But truly, They should know I am different. I seem to be serious because I do not want that m serious advices be taken as jokes. I want to instill in them and him in particular, that it is important to be focused. It is important to know your priorities.

Apparently, My only wish for him is to see him grow as a better person. It isn't too late to bring back the old times. I'm not that old. I can still do skateboarding. I can still climb a guava tree and of course, I can still travel to Cebu (but this time, on an airplane!)

It's never too late especially that there is a concrete foundation of love and care. Time have changed but It can never change the fact, that I am an older sister.

Rants and Rave of a Wannabe

Greatest Ambition: Flight Attendant

Present Occupation: Constant Wannabe

Darn!

While it is common knowledge that I really want to be a Flight Attendant, I chose not to. Okay, I submitted a resume for PAL sometime after college, got a call and scheduled for an interview, now what? never attended. It may sound as a lame excuse but I wasn't able to secure permission from my boss that time. Or should I say that the permission I asked was a bit too weak for the determination i had.

I remembered, I got a call at home and I was told to go to a hotel for an interview at 2pm. I came to work in a rather fashionable way (of course, quite different from my ordinary getup). I had my hair fixed and my shoes done. I was hesitant to approach my boss since I was on probation (below 6 months from the company I am currently in). It took me seconds to finally blurt out what I wanna say and Boom! My boss then just gave me a questionable look, from her face, I know it meant a big NO!


Anyway, I can say that the experience discouraged me. I have this habit of being a weakling when it comes to getting things done my way. What seems to be the problem is the persistence, which I obviously fell short of.

Months became years, I am still here. I am still where I thought I wouldn't stand to last. I am still in the same road with mixed perceptions. I am like a balloon held by a child, to where the child would exactly go, I do not know. I just blend in. The wind might take me someday. Or perhaps, my helium, hydrogen or nitrous oxide would be diminished and soon, fall. What would be left is that elastic bag, empty and outstretched. How sad could it possibly be?

Tell you what, of course there has been a lot of opportunities that came my way. In fact, a couple of interviews with cebpac which I seem to ignore came. I appreciate how supportive my friends are, one called me up one day to inform me that the cebpac team is at Davao for the hiring process. Others seem to remind me that the process would just be a 3-day affair. Really, It makes me feel warm. At least, I have them at my back.

Trips came, everytime I ride on in a plane, I couldn't resist the thought of being just like one of those girls in a rather semi-formal attire. No offense meant but I preferred the old uniforms PAL had when I was a bit younger.

I remembered, those girls would wear very presentable skirt and blouse with a suit on and of course, a scarf. To a little girl's eyes, it's like seeing yourself perhaps 20 years after. Then who would not look their direction, when all of them march the airport with strollers, walking regally and smiling as if they're on TV? Surely, it makes young girls like me dream of a future like that. And then I had the chance to be just like them, but what did I do? Ignore, Run and hide? (It's not as if this is a matter of avoiding unwanted suitors right?)

At present, I admit I seem to be lost. I seem to be misled by my emotions. I seem to be clouded with confusions. What do I wanna be? Where do I wanna go? Stay or Leave?

Perhaps, these are questions that I cannot really fathom. For now.

All I know is that, I hold the key to my destiny. I man the ship I use to my own journey. It is up to me whether I make it or just remain a constant wannabe.

Is a many splendid thing

This might be a confession. Beware!

How do I see my self in two years' time? Well- traveled!
Ask me this personally and the same answer applies. Perhaps by that time, I've explored bits and pieces of Philly and traveled vast across Asia.

How about in five years' time? Jet setter!
Had my Euro trip, visit a city inside a city, kissed the pope's hand, visited remnants of old footprints, discovered wonders of basilicas and unfold history of ancient times.

How about in seven years' time? Expert trekker!
Climbed Andes, Hiked Kilimanjaro, Summit of Himalayas, or even reached peak of Everest.

Imagination much? Who knows! There is nothing impossible for a vagabond. Born and out in this world, taken as a playground for explorations and discoveries. There is no better thinking than this.

But wait, Why do I always associate travel with my future? Sometimes, I wonder if I'd be able to pull myself out of my to-be-where list. You see, I wonder why in how-many-years'-time, I've never mentioned about who-I-wanna-be-with.

I would constantly refuse if I would be taken as a man hater. I am not. I would earnestly disagree if I would be taken as a "chooser face". I am so not that. And ultimately, I would slap someone who takes me as a lesbo. Unless you admit you are a gay yourself.

It would be inappropriate to ask thy self what seems to be the problem. It would be tantamount to incapability. Nevertheless, there would be a point in your life that you begin to wonder, how exactly weird it is to be single and feeling singled out. There would really be a time when your friends seem to doubt you or your manner of keeping relationships. Hell, if I would know.

A friend commented, you ain't a bad looker, you ain't having a bad breath, you ain't having an attitude, how come you stay single? I would just laugh it off and tell her, how come good looking guys fall below numbers? how come fragrant guys become endangered? And of course, how come good guys seem to be extinct? Clearly, this is a matter of Economics. A matter of the demand and supply. Ceteris Paribus.

But absolutely, it is a matter of Chemistry, the reaction between two heavenly bodies, either they repel or attract each other. At twenty three my bigger question is, how come I haven't fallen in love with someone? There are boys here and there. Believe it or not, yes there are. Some passive and some active to try and catch my attention but how come I can't seem to feel the friction? the electricity? the spark? I feel that I am on the lookout for the kind of guys I wish to bring home to my dad and say, "Dad, you know, he's much like you, firm but gentle".



While it is true that Daddies serve as benchmarks for their daughters, only few daughters are lucky enough to find those qualities their fathers have on their men. And maybe, I feel that I am in a need to be in that certain group of daughters. I always believed that somewhere along the way, there is that guy who believes the way I do in reference to his mom. I believe that we are meant to meet and maybe get to know each other more.

The pressure is as high as ever. The fear is somewhat building up. The stress of thinking how time flies and anxiousness of loneliness accumulates. Childhood friends meet the partner of their lives. Classmates close with the one they adore. Friends in the process of woes. Family member tied the knot. One by one, even birds and flower horns together in the symphony of an ancient music. Everyone but me.

If I just have the power to change the hearts, guide the minds and bring together people, I would. If I just have the power to dictate my heart, long ago, I am committed. But I don't. I choose to stick in what I believed in, the lessons I've learned and the beliefs handed down on me as my guidepost. I choose to be single. I choose to be independent and free- spirited.

My bigger challenge is to stay contented and patient. I have to. I need to. If I want to build a good foundation for a special relationship, I should stick to what my heart truly feels. I dare not to be affected by the surrounding circumstances. I dare not to hurry for I know the best is about to come.

But even so, I admit I get to feel insecure and lost. I get to feel puzzled and disappointed. But what can a girl like me do? To live in figment of my imagination or to live in the reality that I am now in?

There is hope. I choose to be hopeful. In this world of open possibilities, it is not impossible for me to be caught in a tangled ancient rhythm of LOVE. Sooner or Later. =)